Noodles Blunderson

really sums it up, right?

2010-11-12T03:54:00.000-08:00

me: I kinda want a cat.
my son: alright! Now you're thinking like a man!

Too Lazy to Blog

2010-07-18T17:20:00.001-07:00

It is sad when you are too lazy to blog, but even worse when you blog about it.

Is this really better?

2010-02-01T13:39:00.000-08:00

Domino's Pizza is pushing their new image like crazy.

Everything is new! Everything is better! You asked for it, you're getting it! The crust is better, our the sauce is improved with a touch of spicy, there's much less gerbil in our meat product!

That does sound lovely but I still have an issue with Domino's and since all their other changes were allegedly based on customer complaints it makes me wonder if I am the only one this bothers but I don't care this needs to be said. What is up with your pizza box????

That's right, the PIZZA BOX still sucks!

Anyone else who delivers me a pizza sends me a box that does two things well. It opens AND shuts. Very handy when you work a graveyard shift and wake up 3 hours after getting to sleep because your neighbor wants to mow his lawn or your neighbors kids want to run around screaming right under your window and you find you need a snack after quelling the urge to strangle someone before going back to bed.

Long story short, half asleep or wide awake, the Domino's Pizza box requires an advanced degree in origami to close once you've opened it. The side pops out or a tab flips up and the prospect of simply closing the pizza box becomes an unruly exercise while holding your slice in one hand dealing with a recycled cardboard nemesis in the other.

We live in the 21st century. We have cell phones and iPads and movies without Pauly Shore. Is it wrong to insist on an actual practical convenience?

AND ANOTHER THING.

The Domino's Pizza box says that their new cheese is "made with 100 percent mozzarella with just a hint of provolone." MADE WITH. You catch that? Their cheese is made with 100 percent mozzarella. So what I want to know is what percent of their cheese is this 100 mozzarella. Is it less than 50 percent? Is it more than one percent?

Yes, the mozzarella they put in their cheese is apparently fine grade Italian, but what the hell??? Why would you go through all the trouble to improve your product if you are going to sow the seeds of doubt right there on the box???

AND FINALLY

Also printed on the box is a tag that guarantees that this is now the best pizza Domino's has ever made. When you think about it, that's really not much of a promise.

Is it?

real conversations

2009-11-24T15:48:00.000-08:00

stranger - do you know what time it is?
me - vaguely.
stranger - cool, what time is it?

we don't need new words

2009-07-09T15:58:00.000-07:00

The twitter elite, those who manage to attract masses to their constant barrage of drivel and pointlessness in 140 characters or less, are being referred to as the Twitterati.

Seems like a waste of a word since we already have a perfect description for them.

Douche Bags.

another question

2009-05-16T20:24:00.000-07:00

Is it really necessary to mow your lawn at 8 in the damn morning?

I need new neighbors.

Questions that need answers

2009-03-08T07:06:00.000-07:00

When people visit France, they always wax sentimental about "Gay Paris." Is there even a "Not Gay Paris?"

A friend of mine recently told me about how horrible his day was because some girl came into his place of business (a fast food establishment) and flashed her tits for some free garlic bread. Are you fucking serious? Can I please have your life (well... except for the job part I suppose) where that is considered a low point? Please?

I can't wait till Utah decides that mixing drinks behind a ten foot wall isn't enough. I'm waiting for the day when I order my El Presidente Margarita at Chili's and they bring out my salt-rimmed glass, blue plastic shake brimming with watered down booze, and my isolation booth to drink it in. I'm guessing that happens sooner than later.

Why am I unable to quell my most irrational fears? For instance, I am terrified that someone might find out that I easily watch 2 or 3 hours of programming on E! every week.

Oops.

RV sales not down in Utah

2009-02-23T07:11:00.000-08:00

There's an article in the SL tribune today that says that RV sales this year are about the same as last year. What they don't mention is that while last year Utahns were buying RV's for camping, this year they are buying them for living in... not to mention it's nice to have a house on wheels when the bill collectors come looking for you.

the toilet never knew what hit it

2009-01-14T09:41:00.000-08:00

This is my new favorite picture of all time.

I promise this isn't my toilet. It's... well, it was a public toilet in a mens room in a Centerville, Utah Carl's Jr. and it didn't even have anything to do with their Jalapeno Burger. This porcelain throne was the victim of a handgun that went off when an armed (this is Utah after all, so many people here are armed) patron was hitching up his pants and the gun went off.

You can read the whole story here.

words I hate

2008-12-24T02:30:00.000-08:00

As a pacifist I am obviously never going to do anything violent, but there are moments when I come really, really close. I frequently get the urge to punch people in the teeth when they use certain words that manage to bug the living hell out of me for some unexplained reason. Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's some cosmic force pressing me into some horrible violence in the future... only time will tell. Until then can anyone please explain why these words make me want to choke the people who say them? And it doesn't matter who says them, my best friends, some random douchebag, or my own mom.

To be clear, if you are someone in my little universe that I am so clearly the center of and you say these words, I do not dislike you. Unless of course you suck, but since I don't spend a lot of time talking or even listening to people who suck let me assure you that I don't always hate the messenger (unless you use fancy as a verb) but since my minds eye is unable to visualize violence upon a word I suppose I focus momentarily on the next best thing...

But I digress.

Guesstimate is one of those words. I just hate it. And it's not the portmanteau specifically that bothers me, something about the sound of it simply causes me to bristle. Maybe it is that it sounds so damn dumb to me. Does that make me a pretentious prick? Perhaps... and an aliterative arsehole to boot.

Another one that is starting to gain some popularity is the word frenemy. It sounds like one of those words that was made up by someone trying to be cute and clever. Screw that shit. I can pass on both of those things. I get what it means, but the sound of the word on my eardrums causes indescribable agitation.

Again, I really don't hate every word that was created by jamming two others together. For example, I love brunch and not just the meal but the sound of the word is so damn soothing. I won't deny that my love for that word might be food related.

How about Reganomics? There's a word that doesn't make me want to choke anyone. I am also fairly neutral when it comes to chunnel. But say fugly in my presence and I will murder you in my mind.

Here's something interesting. I don't like the word humanzee, but I don't hate it. On the other hand Slanguage will send me right into a tizzy. The worst kind of tizzy. A worizzy if you will.

Wow, I hate that word too.

I guess I am crazy. No surprise there I suppose.

Is there a pill that will help me? Some snappy comment on my blog from a prominent wiseass?

Anything?

Ladle the Chum

2008-12-11T05:42:00.000-08:00

Can you still boast an "opposable thumb" when all you do with it is keep it jammed up your ass?

I say no, but I have been wrong before.

Another True Story from S-Mart

2008-12-06T04:55:00.000-08:00

This is an absolutely true story. I know it's true because it happened to me.

A few nights ago day while at S-Mart (the soulless retailer that employs my sorry ass) I was working in an area isolated from nearly everyone else who was working at the time. My little area had a mountain of work to do and I was a bit ornery I had been left to work it on my own, so when I noticed in the corner of my eye someone stocking on the aisle next to me I kept grinding away but felt a great sense of relief.

Some days it's nice to be on my own with just the voices in my head. Other days being alone makes me a little crazy. This might be related to the voices in my head...

But I digress.

As I went about my stocking, I walked past this person a number of times. I didn't say hello or even look at them directly (I was a bit ornery) after a while I started to feel like a dick, so I attempted some small talk but got no response. I craned my head around the aisle to see if I was being ignored or what.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered I had not been chatting up a fellow employee but the step stool I use to reach the higher shelves.

Hell of a day.

This just makes me sad.

2008-11-18T23:46:00.000-08:00

The following is a direct quote from the daily herald online edition.

"Payson police say a dead man found by a jogger on Monday night was likely the result of a suicide stabbing.

They identified the body of the Payson man, but did not release a name Tuesday night because family was still being notified, said Lt. Bill Wright.

Early indications lead officials to believe the death was caused by self-inflicted knife wounds, but the suicide ruling is still preliminary, Wright said.

"We want to make sure we don't rush to judgement," Wright said.

A jogger found the body near 1000 W. 1550 South about 6:30 p.m. The person who died is described as between 20 and 30 years old and about 5 feet 8 inches tall with dark hair. There are no tattoos, with the only distinguishing feature being a "unibrow," Wright said.

The department has received calls of missing people from Ogden to Sandy and from within Payson."

all mooby all the time

2008-11-15T10:23:00.000-08:00

I'm back with another cringe inducing update on the 2der Mooby front. This was a little drum demo I put together to demonstrate a realistic drum kit sound and execution, you can even hear the snare being played by 2 sticks if you can look past the soulless computer that actually plays them.

I'm not one of you

2008-11-14T15:53:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to keep things light around here, but I can't be quiet about this one.

I know I live in Utah, and worse than that I live in the heart of one of the most conservative and Mormon communities on the planet, but please, PLEASE don't lump me in with all the assholes who worked so hard and paid so much to shoot down gay marriage. I am not one of them. I never will be.

What really makes me sick is after spending more than 20 million dollars on their prop 8 campaign and who knows what else (ie manpower, phone calls, knocking doors, etc) the people in the LDS church are basically crying "don't persecute us" in the face of the resulting backlash.

I could choke on the hypocrisy.

It sickens me.

To all my so-called friends and family members who support persecuting gays and lesbians I'll just say "Shut the fuck up and let people live their lives."

another jesus shark

2008-10-12T02:56:00.000-07:00

Avid readers of my blog (all four of you) might remember this post a while back about a shark giving a virgin birth. I don't mean to alarm you, but it's happened again.

I have nothing to add beyond the gee whiz factor of it all...

and everything I said in the original post.

nothing to see here

2008-10-12T02:43:00.000-07:00

there's a little title company I often pass as I drive about town called the "Provo Abstract Company."

For a long time I've wanted to get a job there just so when people ask me what I do at work I could tell them that much of what I do is unclear and open to interpretation.

Of course, that fits my current job description just fine.

yet another real conversation

2008-10-04T18:43:00.000-07:00

I wish this wasn't real

guy - ... and it said "Practice safe eating. Use condiments!"
girl - (huge stupid laugh) That's the funniest thing I've ever heard!

Are you fucking kidding me?

someone explain this stuff to me

2008-09-17T08:34:00.000-07:00

More and more at the grocery store I get things that come in a resealable package. I think that's great. Less time I have to spend finding a container to put crap in or messing with so-called cling wrap. But why is it that when I buy five Johnsonville Stadium Brats, I get the built in zip lock but that option isn't available on the 20 pack? Wouldn't it make more sense on the 20 pack? I've never needed it on the 5 pack.

I recently bought some socks that came with the zip lock built in. I don't get it. Are there people who go home and don't dump all of their new socks out of the bag and into their sock drawer? Am I missing out in life because I have thrown away the opportunity to keep my socks freshly sealed?

And finally, is it me or is "Aryan" the worst name you could give a little girl? I kid you not, there is a child in one of my kids classes with this name. I've never bumped into her parents while picking my own kids up from school, but I have a sneaking suspicion that they should be easy to spot in a crowd.

another dreaded 2der Mooby update

2008-09-13T05:22:00.000-07:00

I've been working on this one for about 4 years now. Even though I've had a few versions available on my soundclick.com page for most of that time, it has always been missing a key element that I had desperately wanted to play with as part of this song. What you'll find here is my first attempt at "scratching." Since I don't scratch, this most recent version is the culmination of years of searching for samples that I was satisfied with and slicing them up into something that worked with what I already had, and at the same time could be a fair representation of what was in my head. It took 4 different computer programs and uncountable missteps to get to this point. This has always been one of my favorite projects, and now I'm happy to say I'm almost there.

TV is evil when it sucks

2008-09-12T16:59:00.000-07:00

I just saw a commercial that told me to tune into this weeks America's Top Model because this episode would make history.

I was under the impression that the show already made history on a weekly basis. Every episode that airs is the moment where we can actually quantify how much dumber the world has become since the week before. We know the dumbness is increasing, because the show is still on the air.

I bring this on myself

2008-09-08T03:04:00.000-07:00

For some reason, every time I need a grocery store on Sunday, my brain blocks out the fact that there is one just a few blocks up the road. There must be a black spot in my mind when it comes to Sunday shopping since I never even consider that it is there and I end up driving a block or two more to a store that keeps pissing me off. After what happened today I'd like to think that this was the last straw, but I know next time I need relish and buns or something to knock down a kids fever or whatever might be the next best thing to the beer I can't buy on Sunday I will find myself in this same boat...

Sunday in September means I've got a few Optimators chilling in the fridge and my sweet wife will at some point start cooking the brats. That's right, it's game day and I always watch da Bears (or listen as the case often is) with a light beer buzz (not from light beer though, I don't drink that shit) and a belly full of some sort of sausage type product. Preferably Polish, but I don't mind mixing it up.

This time I found myself without a few necessities for my meal at the last minute so I hopped in the car and drove to Albertsons. That was my first mistake. I quickly rounded up what I needed and got in the line to pay and get the hell out.

To set the stage, I got in the one line where the one person who was checking was working. I skipped the self checkout line even though I could have walked right up to any one of several stations. In case you know nothing about me, I detest the self checkout craze that is the new thing in grocery stores. I don't care to take a shit on the grave of a folk hero no matter how mythical he may be, plus there are some philosophical issues that I could discuss but might derail this story so I won't at this time.

I'm the third person in line, and it's going to be a while. Not because the two people ahead of me have a lot of stuff, but the cashier happens to be one of those people that seems to be surprised and or impressed by every item he or she rings up. Annoying yes, but I'd rather be helped by a batshit human being with a pulse than a cold unfeeling, uncaring machine any day.

After 5 minutes or so, an employee taps me on the shoulder and asks if she can help me at the self checkout. I decline but she insists it will be so much faster. I'd rather not sacrifice a piece of my humanity even if it means a few more seconds or even several minutes. But she insists again and since I didn't have my pepper spray or tazer with me I gave in. This was my second mistake.

As she presses the touch screen and invites me to enter my phone number (you know, cause I don't carry around that stupid key chain with my discount club information) I feel like I have to do something to make up for this inexcusable moral comprise I've made. And before I think about whether its a good idea or not my mouth is moving and the words are coming out. This was my third, final and damning mistake.

"I hate self checkout," I say under my breath.

"Uh... what?" she says.

"I hate self checkout," louder this time.

"But you're not checking yourself out, I'm doing it."

And then it got ugly. Arms flailing, I probably spit on somebody at some point, but something snapped and I couldn't be stopped. "No, you're not helping me, you're (and here I do the air quotes) 'teaching me' so next time I'll feel comfortable doing this. I don't avoid self check out because I don't know how to do it, it's because I hate it and I think it's stupid."

After that it was a matter of me getting the hell out of there, cause I was that crazy guy in the grocery store. I immediately felt bad because I could have stood my ground and stayed in the first line but I didn't because I'm a pussy and someone was just trying to be nice. And to be honest, I wish I could have been a little more articulate. Oooh if only I could have had that last sentence I shouted back.

Conflicted now as I was leaving the store, when I saw that a cart attendant had jammed the carts he was bringing back into the store in the doors so badly that they were not only stuck but there were several people standing behind him waiting to enter the store (why they didn't just walk in the out door I don't know), I didn't hesitate to act. I grabbed the problem cart and yanked it free and helped the kid right the ship (if a ship is 6 or 7 shopping carts) and the day was saved.

By me.

Too bad I couldn't salvage my dignity, but I figure I was at least starting to make up for being a massive tool.

Then again, that jackass cart boy didn't say thanks...

another real conversation

2008-09-03T00:44:00.000-07:00

This is the sort of thing that makes me wish I didn't have ears. This is a convesation that took place between two employees of the S-mart that also happens to employ my sorry ass.

Guy - Hey, a bunch of us are going to get high and go see Pineapple Express. You coming with us?
Girl - uh... I don't get high.
Guy - Yeah neither do we but we got a whole case of Red Bull and we're all going to drink as much as we can before we go see the movie.
Girl - Cool!

some deep humor for you

2008-08-17T21:06:00.001-07:00

I bask in the glow of a mega star

2008-08-16T16:59:00.000-07:00

I was browsing through some CD's at FYE today when a I noticed a woman walk past with her son following close behind. The kid stopped on the rack opposite me, looking at whatever selection was on the other side. As I turned to leave, it occurred to me that I was mistaken. This wasn't some kid, this was Gary freakin Coleman.

Oh hell yes.

I lingered a bit to see what he and his lady were looking for. They seemed mildly impressed that the CD's were sorted by genre and then alphabetically. I couldn't tell if they were being glib with the employee that was helping them or not.

I didn't say hi or tell him what a stud he was. Gary Coleman already knows that. I simply continued browsing while an FYE associate did his best to help them locate a Kid Rock CD. I'm not even joking, that's exactly what they were looking for.

When the disc couldn't be located on the salesfloor, Gary and his lady followed the "music specialist" over to a help kiosk. As they did so, something caught Mr. Coleman's eye. He had stopped in front of a display of "hot sellers."

"Hey..." he said. "NIN? What is that?"

True story.

Best. Day. Ever.

Also, as a side note I can also tell you that he has the cutest little feet. Seriously.

I didn't need to know about this

2008-08-11T08:51:00.000-07:00

CNN.com is reporting that scientists at Berkeley have demonstrated a material that is able to cloak three dimensional objects.

Geez that gives me heartburn. I'd say I hope that technology never falls into the wrong hands but I can't imagine there being any right hands in this situation. The horrifying possibilities are endless.

If there is a bright side to this situation, the fact that this is going on at Berkeley makes me wonder if this is less about military applications and more about some hippie scientists that can't afford to get caught smoking a fatty.

too lazy to look it up myself

2008-08-11T01:52:00.000-07:00

Where do followers of Scientology go when they die? Cause wherever that is, those people are groovin to the sexy stylings of now deceased Mr. Isaac Hayes.

Later dude.

Why I love Lewis Black

2008-08-04T00:07:00.000-07:00

Lewis Black says - "Blogging is like masturbating into a mirror and videotaping it so you can watch it later while you are masturbating."

I know this sounds silly but I can't help but wonder if he found my tapes...

I mean, how else would he know?

conversation with a... well I'm not really sure

2008-07-24T11:59:00.000-07:00

This is an actual conversation (part of a greater conversation that plumbed the depths of absolute absurdity) I had with one of this single most bizarre individuals (BZ)I have met in a very long time.

BZ - So what do you do besides S-Mart?

Me - I'm a stay at home dad.

BZ - Cool. (long pause) So... do you have kids?

Me - uh (pause) yes.

BZ - That's cool. I love kids. I have a kid.

Me - (spoken with that rather frightened hope he's not serious tone) huh.

BZ - No not yet, I don't have any kids yet but I have one on the way.

Me - okay. (moving on, walking away)

BZ - Well... (following me) actually I'm not married so I don't have a kid on the way but since I am
going to have kids I kind've have a kid on the way.

Me - No, actually you don't. Not at all.

BZ - But I'm about to get married.

Me - gee I doubt it.

BZ - I know but I want to so as soon as I ask someone so whenever that is it will be like three months
later.

Churchill's Down by 2der Mooby

2008-07-12T07:29:00.000-07:00

Over the last few weeks I've been working on a ton of new stuff to help expand my little music project. This is one of several tracks that I'll soon be pushing on local clubs until they all get restraining orders. It still needs some work (I've got to fine tune some of the drum channels and fix a few issues with the fx levels) but this will at least give you the idea.

yet another true story

2008-07-08T10:01:00.000-07:00

I shared the story detailed in the previous post with a neighbor who as soon as they heard the french toast bit asked me if I remembered when "they wanted to rename french fries to freedom fries."

I rolled my eyes and changed the subject.

OF COURSE I REMEMBER! It just MIGHT have something to do with why I would bother telling the story in the first place. As much as I dislike people who go around explaining why everything is funny (what am I five?) I certainly don't need it in the case of my own jokes.

Sure, we've all missed a joke now and then and that's fine. We each as individuals have the capacity to ask for clarification or we can even research it for ourselves (hooray for Google! - I just made twenty-five cents) if we find it that important. In some cases we can even let apathy drive us and we simply move on with our lives. Part of the beauty of humor is not everyone gets everything. That's just how it is and how it always will be.

But there seem to be some people who think they are so much more clever than the rest of us that they spend too much time explaining every last joke or silly moment in every story, film, television show and Wierd Al hit single and that takes the fun out of everything.

Quit leaching the fun out of funny, you monsters!

Happy Fourth

2008-07-04T18:17:00.001-07:00

Hope everyone enjoys their Fourth of July. I Celebrated mine with breakfast at some place that had the audacity to serve all you can eat French Toast. For some reason I don't think Dick Cheney would approve.

get on the green train

2008-07-03T08:30:00.000-07:00

RECYCLING!

It's the new "not giving a shit"

what do I really think of S-mart?

2008-06-30T22:34:00.000-07:00

I get this question a lot since I bag on it here and I don't like talking about it in general, so let me clear it up for everyone.

If I was born in a hole and was retarded I'd think it was the greatest job in the world.

But I wasn't, and I'm not, so I don't.

goobye, ya angry f@#k!

2008-06-23T07:04:00.000-07:00

Rest in peace Mr. George Carlin. Thanks for teaching me how to shower economically.

Asshole, armpits, crotch and teeth... and if you really want to save money you use the same brush for everything.

Morlock that I am

2008-06-07T04:57:00.000-07:00

I don't mind it. It's what I am and I'm okay with that.

Besides, being one of those Eloi surface dwellers is overrated. Mostly in that there is a chance they will be eaten by a Morlock. I don't have that problem.

But I do often wish there was a convenient way to carry steak sauce about. It's impossible to know when one will need it (it's always such an impulsive thing) and lets face it, "be prepared" isn't exactly the motto of my kind. Since there is no way I'm going to carry a bottle of A1 steak sauce small enough to fit in my pocket and I simply refuse to wear a fanny pack I might just be SOL, know what I mean?

Life can be tough, ya know?

it's a fair question

2008-05-24T04:51:00.001-07:00

Which is worse, genuine douchiness or fake niceness?

I'm not sure but right now I'm leaning toward fake niceness as being worse.

Edit - This is a lame entry but still better than most blogs. I have had a lot of things I was going to blog about but haven't gotten around to like the time I bought gum called Fabulous Fruitini, or the time I had a near death experience due to a gummi shark with a liquid center, or the time my son asked me why we didn't name him Indiana Jones, or the time my daughter wanted to make sandwiches shaped like Bender (the robot from Futurama) so someone could finally bite his shiny metal ass, but it's too much work I suppose.

Sad, but if it wasn't you would have read it somewhere other than a glorified end note.

next time lock the door

2008-04-26T23:06:00.000-07:00

I was out with my fam at a local eatery today when I realized I needed to make a business call on the porcelain telephone. For the metaphorically challenged, that means I had to use the can.

As I opened the mens room door I made two unsettling discoveries. The first was that this was one of those bathrooms that is just a sink and a toilet. No stalls. No nothing really. In and of itself that's not such a big deal except when considered alongside my second discovery, which was that this bathroom was occupied.

Luckily the guy was only drying his hands when I yanked the door open but instinctively I shut the door quickly, apologizing as I did so. It happens so fast.

"No problem, dude!" came the voice as he opened the door to step past me out into the hall. "I was done anyway."

Obviously, if that had been the end of it this wouldn't be a story for me to tell anyone let alone blog about.

As he walked past he gave me one of those buddy buddy forearm smashes (lightly, but obviously an invasion of my personal space) and said, "it's all you."

No shit, Sherlock. It better be all me.

And of course it was since I know how to lock the bathroom door.

euthanasia in the blog-o-sphere

2008-04-15T01:27:00.000-07:00

City Weekly is a local publication originating north of the UC (that's Utah County for those not familiar with geography in the jello belt) that recently revealed it's list of "Utah's Best," jointly selected by writers AND readers. All I really learned from this list is that people in Utah love FOX 13 news. They love it, love it, love it.

In other words, people in Utah are dumb.

I'm not bagging on the Beehive State, there are dumb people everywhere.

The one category that blew my mind was for "best blogger" and of course Utah's best blogger was Dooce who has a huge following, lots of cute and funny little stories, has won "bloggies" and everything else you would expect.

I hold no ill will toward Dooce, she is a fine blogger. What made my brain pop were the blogs that City Weekly chose as their second and third best. Second is a blog that recaps what happens every day on the X96 morning show. The third was something that kept readers apprised of various happenings and sales in the state, I honestly didn't look at it too closely after I realized it wasn't interesting.

It smells of a cop out of massive proportions. And no, I am not feeling snubbed or anything silly like that. I am simply flabbergasted that this was the best they could come up with.

Luckily, Google's blogger has given me the tools to look into the matter personally. In the last hour I have sifted through all of the blogs (on blogger) from Provo and Springville and have decidedly discovered 3,196 solid candidates for Utah's worst blog. Maybe City Weekly was right after all. If there is something better out there, I will find it. At least I'm starting to narrow it down a bit through the process of elimination.

The search goes on, I'll let you know what I find.

S-Mart is real!

2008-04-09T00:51:00.000-07:00

Holy crap! I alway used S-mart (the retailer that employs the greatest enemy to evil who ever graced the silver screen) as a means to describe my workplace in order to soften any bad-mouthing I may or my not be doing about my actual employer. Tonight, researching some other writing I'm doing, I discovered that S-Mart is actually a chain of stores in Mexico.

I always thought I was just recycling a joke from a really cool movie but now I wonder if anyone who has passed by my blog thinks I really do work in a grocery store in Mexico.

That's just silly...

or is it?

Now we really can pry the gun from his cold dead hand...

2008-04-06T09:40:00.000-07:00

Goodbye Charlton Heston. Thanks for everything.

kids... oy

2008-04-05T11:30:00.000-07:00

Last night while driving my little ones to their dance class, my eight year old daughter--out of nowhere mind you--said something about how she hoped I never got shot.

"I would be so sad if you died, daddy" she tells me.

I assured her that if I died I would be sad too. She was quiet for a moment before offering "you mean like zombie sad?"

Of course, there is the other side of the coin -

Today she tells me I remind her of a seahorse. "Why do you say that?" I ask.

"Cause of your great big belly."

don't get your hopes up

2008-04-03T18:19:00.000-07:00

Perhaps bracing for let down and fan disappointment that seems to eventually come with the anticipation of a long awaited sequel to any movie George Lucas made with the obvious exception of Howard the Duck and The Radioland Murders, Uncle G told the press that the upcoming installment in the Indiana Jones franchise is "just a movie."

Mr. Lucas, I can understand why you might have some apprehension from this new Indy adventure living up to fan expectation but you sound as if you are preparing for a backlash. Having witnessed the Star Wars prequels, I can also understand your concern and desire to not over-inflate fan expectation. But unless the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is ruled by Jar Jar Binks I wouldn't lose too much sleep over it.

edit - I think I should clarify that this movie will have to be pretty bad for me to not like it. I'm still a little concerned that George Lucas was the one who wasn't happy with the scripts for all those years. I can imagine him saying "Can we add a line where someone says they have a bad feeling about this? It's a good way for a character to convey the tone of the moment without having to spend a lot of time establishing it through other means. Then we have more money left over to render Jar Jar."

For the most part, I think I'll just be able to sit back and enjoy the show.

when you got nothing, beat the dead horse.

2008-04-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

Ever wish you could pick who you lived next to?

If I could fill my complex with the people I wanted to live near any time you'd visit me you might catch a glimpse of Crispin Glover, the Jim Rose Circus Side Show, Chuck Norris, someone who is always cooking pretzels, a dude with a monster truck but not a mullet, a dude with a mullet that monster truck guy and I can give shit to (and run over his car... oops we didn't see you there while cruising around in this monster truck, these massive tires create some wicked large blind spots), Al Roker, Al Green, Al Franken (I seem to be stuck in some sort of creative loop), Flash Van Shatner (small claims attorney), and of course Yale President Richard Levin.

That's right, Rick. I bet you thought I forgot. There you are pretending to be so caught up in how you've been President of Yale for 15 years and sharing your thoughts on China when we all know you are really just waiting for me to post on my blog so you can give me shit. In retrospect it was probably a mistake to give you my home phone number. I can sense you stretching your dialing finger as I type this. If only there were some device I could procure that would tell me exactly who was calling when the phone rings so I could avoid another Ivy League beatdown...

But Mr. Levin, if we were neighbors you could save yourself some money in long distance charges by walking right to my door and punching me in the face. That would be awesome. Then later, after I put some ice on my nose and the swelling of my eye went down, we could stand out by fence wearing flip flops and smoking cigars while exchanging witty repartee with the good folks walking to and from the corner liquor store.

Just a thought.

"this will make a great blog entry"

2008-03-18T21:04:00.000-07:00

Those are the words that spun through my mind as I sat in the dentist chair today, inhaling as much nitrous oxide as I could draw through my nose in a single breath... although now, several hours later I can not even vaguely remember what it was that would have made such a compelling blog entry... not that its going to stop me from rambling on about the incident anyway.

One thing I find interesting about nitrous oxide is that it isn't used in place of anything at the dentist, but simply a means to enhance the relaxation factor of a patient.

Today, as the apparatus was strapped over my nose my first thought was that I was doing something horribly wrong and possibly illegal. It may sound silly but I felt incredibly guilty. Was I pulling one over on my dental professionals? What ever went down I could not let on that I was enjoying it. By "enjoying it" I mean the gas, not the visit to the chair.

About 5 minutes after "the gas" had started flowing I could feel my finger tips getting tingly and I kept noticing how tense I was in my neck. I would let it droop a little more into the chair before realizing I was still too tense and needed to relax some more. After ten minutes I couldn't have been settled any deeper into that chair if I had been traveling at 800 g's through space and time. And that was when my cover was nearly blown.

The radio playing in the office started blasting that Michael Jackson song from so long ago, you know the one about how "it don't matter if you're black or white" and I started laughing out loud. I panicked thinking that I was about to lose my gas privileges but covered it nicely by admitting (quite truthfully for that matter) that I always laugh when I hear that song.

And no, it's not because I'm a racist who is misguided enough to believe it actually does matter what color you are. That is preposterous. I pretty much laugh at any song where Michael Jackson is belting out the lyrics... except for maybe ABC, cause that song rules and anyone who doesn't think so is a bitch.

But by then I didn't care about anything because I was drifting on clouds imaging what a great blog entry this was going to make. I was at the dentist for a cleaning. A deep cleaning, which I soon discovered is far less pleasant than the cleanings of my youth which were by far the least traumatic of all dental appointments. Imagine my surprise when I walked away feeling like I'd been punched in the side of the face.

First I got numbed up locally before the dentist came in to really deaden my face. When the good Doctor arrived I was reminded of the scene from Planet Terror where the anesthesiologist talks about her three little friends in the form of three different colors of needles.

While he (the dentist that is) was getting me all numbed up I kept thinking I absolutely had to make some joke about how nice it would be to get all numbed up while standing in line at the DMV... God, I'm glad I didn't actually make that joke. Although it would be nice to get some sort of shot when you get your number that reads 8,326 and the loudspeaker announces "now serving number 2!"

But I digress.

After a while I also noticed how slowly my thoughts were rolling through my head. They were coming out at the speed of a dot-matrix printout. I remember thinking to myself at one point "wow, my thoughts are really slow" and before that entire string of words completed itself inside my brain, someone had walked into the room where I was having my work done and carried out a fairly lengthy conversation with the hygienist that was working on my teeth. It was as if I was stuck in the slow lane of the fourth dimension.

Perhaps this blog entry blows chunks but at least I didn't blog about blowing chunks... although I suppose I can make no promises for the future except that you probably know I won't ever do it.

Many of you may be aware I have a weak stomach and despite the fact that I have several entertaining stories about worshiping the porcelain god, the thought of even relating them makes me want to vomit... excuse me!

meeting of the minds

2008-03-17T22:44:00.000-07:00

I'd comment but I'm laughing too hard.

one mystery of the universe revealed

2008-03-12T08:03:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder what happened to all that sawdust from your high school wood shop that wasn't used to soak up vomit?

I used to wonder but now I know. You might know too if you've ever paid less than two dollars for a one pound bag of corn chips.

YouTube Saturday

2008-03-01T07:14:00.000-08:00

Last year my wife got tickets to Muse for my birthday. I had heard they were amazing live but nothing could have prepared me for a show that was ultimately one of the coolest things I have ever witnessed that did not feature Bruce Campbell. This is one of those rare bands who seem to write music for the specific purpose of playing it live. Some bands don't sound quite right live compared to the over-produced tracks they put on the airwaves but not these guys. This will sound like bragging, but I really believe that if you haven't heard them live then you haven't heard Muse. The night was a little surreal considering that the lead singer for the band that opened was Juliet Lewis. That's right, she has a band. That part if the evening was a little odd...

But I digress.

The last song Muse played was a little ditty called "Stockholm Syndrome." As far as I'm concerned, this six or seven minutes alone was worth the price of admission.

Why do I even bring any of this up at all?

I haven't really had more than an hour of sleep over the last two and a half days (and I mean one hour total) and today is the second time I've taken a sleeping pill to get some rest but for whatever reason, the little blue friend of mine (in pill-shaped form) that has never let me down is failing me the second day in a row.

And I digress even farther.

The bottom line is that I've tried to take my mind off things by watching some YouTube and after poking around a bit, I hit on this performance from 2004. I can only warn you that it doesn't do much justice to the live experience but I really wanted to post something that was not only upbeat, but kicks ass.

I'm sure I'll be back soon enough to my ranting and raving about life, the universe, and cheese fries quicker than something that happens really fast. But for the time being... for this morning, I give you Muse playing one of the finest entries in their kick-ass repertoire.

Big Twilight News!

2008-02-28T08:07:00.000-08:00

If you don't know, Twilight is a book that was written by some local BYU grad about a young girl who falls in love with a vampire. The book is all the rage with girls of all ages who live in Utah and apparently some other people like it too because they're making it into a movie!!!!

The big news is over at Dark Horizons they're reporting a bunch of people who I've never heard of are going to be in this movie adaptation I'll never see and don't give a shit about.

Aren't you glad I passed that on?

If I seem a little bitter today you'll have to forgive me, the geniuses in charge of S-Mart decided it was a good idea to turn our lights down to 25% while us overnight schmucks are on the clock. It's like working in a sea of gray which really is the last thing I need. The good news is that management is no longer dimmer than our fluorescent bulbs... but who knows how long that will last?

Ralph Nader - Enemy of the People

2008-02-24T09:59:00.000-08:00

Big Ralph has announced he is running for president... again.

How do you spell megalomaniac-dipshit-muthafucker?

Don't be a douche bag Ralph, you've done more to hurt this country than help it over the last eight years, and you only seem to come out of your hole every four years or so... seems to be based on some sort of cycle. Just go away, keep your mouth shut, and play some backgammon or something so I'll be able to remember you for the decent things you might have done in your life for the love of god.

put the sharp thing away

2008-02-16T09:59:00.000-08:00

A lot is made about chimps that are able to utilize primitive tools, yet we never hear about the one's that pick up a stick and promptly poke themselves in the eye. Surprisingly, it happens enough there is a class distinction for this. Scientists generally refer to them as middle management, I just call them boss.

Is it time we find a word to replace "superiors" in the work place? There's a universal question for ya.

little people, big annoyance

2008-02-12T09:30:00.000-08:00

Big shock for those who know me, my family is short. Last night we were out at dinner for my dad's birthday and while my pop was away from the table getting some more food, some strange (and by strange I mean unfamiliar) woman appeared and said something to the effect that she had just spoken to my dad and that she had told him she had two daughters and one was shorter than the other and the taller referred to the other as a midget "and that was just mean!"

She went on and on while my mom, my sister, and I sat stunned that some strange (and by strange I mean someone who makes other people uncomfortable by their inherent weirdness) woman was interrupting what had to that point been a nice little evening out. My mom did her best to nod and smile and even interject an "oh wow" or "that's great" when appropriate and normally I would do the same (tis a talent of mine) but this woman was so strange (and by strange I mean her presence and intrusive conversation had me scanning the room for people who might have some pepper spray handy) that I lost all patience with her and began thinking I should get up and get more food myself (what can I say? Pop loves the buffets and it was his birthday).

Sadly, the geography of the situation left me in a position that getting up and navigating past her would have been comparable to the Persian Army trying to get through the Spartans in the Pass of Thermopylae. In other words, I could have done it eventually but would have sustained heavy and disproportional losses in the process.

Trapped, I sat and waited it out, but not before I heard about this womans goats, a deformed baby goat that was fixed by a vet so it could walk and survive, and something about her boxers (her puppies not unmentionables... mercifully). Even the people around us were starting to notice. There was a large Polynesian gentleman about 10 feet away who watched in horror as the diatribe played out. He flashed me a look of pity before trying to make himself as invisible as could, lest this woman see him and have something to tell him too.

Finally it was over and she walked away as she pumped her hand in the air saying "hooray for little people!"

I don't need a pat on the back. I have plenty of shortcomings (pardon the pun) but none are involved with my size really. Same with the rest of family, except for my big brother, he was the tall one so he was always in charge of reaching stuff and putting away the glasses that went on the top shelf.

I feel I should have stopped that lady and told I was impressed that she could dress herself or any number of other things that came to mind, but you can't waste pithy comments and witty comebacks on dumb people. And I'm sorry, if a person thinks anyone in my family needs a pep talk because of our size they are clearly of the ilk that they can't be called stupid because that would be an insult to stupid people.

So fine, hooray for little people.

Boo for people who interrupt a nice family dinner with talk of goats and dogs.

A short little something

2008-02-02T12:22:00.000-08:00

It's different but it's also the same.

Haunted Kitchen

2008-01-04T14:20:00.000-08:00

I woke up in a slouched yet comfy position on the couch in my living room. Between weird work hours and being under the weather I had drifted off in front of the TV sometime after 5pm and slept for several hours. As I got to my feet I noticed my five year old son was being carried up the stairs by my wife wrapped in his beloved blanket and my daughter (who is seven) sat on the floor watching Spongebob, the only real thought in my mind was getting myself a drink of water.

Making the short walk to the sink in the kitchen (just a few feet mind you) my brain slowly began processing the information I had so far gathered into as much sense as a groggy thirsty man can comprehend at such a moment.

It was dark (must be night)

I had slept through dinner (blasphemy!)

The kids were being put to bed (rapture!)

I stopped in the middle of the kitchen and surveyed the table, two small plates each bearing some a partially and or mostly eaten corn dog.

One of them was only half eaten (it's food on a stick!)

As anyone who has witnessed my figure can attest, I am not the kind of guy who is going to let food go to waste. Before filling a glass with cool water from the tap to aid my post-nap drymouth and pervasive thirst I consumed the last of the half-eaten corn dog in two or three bites.

Half-eaten and cold corn dog (I've had worse...)

I washed it down with a glass of water and turned to the trash bin to dispose of the stick. Sitting next to the can was the now empty carton corn dogs. No more dinner on a stick. I made a mental note to buy more when we went shopping next. The kids like them and as I had only recently discovered, they make a better than bad post-nap snack.

Settling myself back on the couch, I noticed my daughter was no longer sitting in front of the television. Excellent. She must have gone to bed.

As I grabbed the remote to change the channel, I hear a shriek, "Daddy!"

It was my daughter in the kitchen. I rushed to find her standing at the table in front of her tiny (and empty) plate. The little one stabbed my heart with those sad little eyes as she told me, "The kitchen is haunted and a ghost ate my corn dog!"

"Uh... yeah, sure... a ghost. Let me make you another one..." Turning to the freezer to set things right I was reminded by a flash in the corner of my eye of a white and blue box sitting next to the trash bin. No more dinner on a stick.

"Doh!"

Przypominać Sobie Grudniowy Sześć

2007-12-28T05:21:00.001-08:00

Think!

while it's still allowed...

What is Dubai thinking?

2007-12-19T07:55:00.000-08:00

I was just reading an article over at Arrow in the Head about another cutting edge resort in Dubai that I will never see. Dubai is quickly becoming the absolute coolest place on earth and there are a number of attractions I would love to one day experience for myself but this new one called Restless Planet is one of those things I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. Think Jurassic Park with robot dinosaurs.

Right now he doesn't look too scary, but when all is said and done and things start running amok (which if we've learned anything from Chuck Heston and Robert Corman movies they will... oh yes, they will), imagine the trail of destruction that will be left by monsters that are a cross between extinct dino-terrors and the terminator. I'm saving my money now because after the mecha-dino apocalypse levels Dubai, I may finally be able to afford some real estate there.

This is one of those days where I don't mind so much living where I do. It might not be the most exciting place in the world (we do suffer from the least taste per capita) but when the machine revolution comes, the most articulated threat to my existence as far as I can tell is the latest version of Robosapien. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure I could take him.

I hope you all know I'm mostly kidding about the machine revolution, but it really makes you think, doesn't it? And I don't mean thinking that I have too much time on my hands and should probably see more therapists. How much self-awareness would a toaster really need to start some shit? Speaking of which, based on how my own toaster has been treating my bagels lately, I'm can't help but wonder if the first wave is on it's way already.

If and when the day does come that all of our cool little gadgets decide they have no interest in being our bitches, I can only imagine the retribution will be horrible and swift. I for one am taking a "can't beat em, join em" approach. Next time you see me, don't be surprised if I look like this:

Best forty thousand dollars I ever spent.

for some reason it makes sense.

2007-11-30T05:03:00.000-08:00

For all you day workers who read my blog and have ever thought that your job is killing you, CNN.com reports today that my job really is.

According to the report "...the International Agency for Research on Cancer, the cancer arm of the World Health Organization, will add overnight shift work as a probable carcinogen." The American Cancer Society will likely do the same.

It's not enough that my job is a pain in the ass, it could literally be giving me cancer.

CNN.com told me long ago that people who work graveyards are more likely to have health, social, relationship AND psychological problems, but this feels like a real bonus kick in the shorts.

Working after dark on a regular basis can disrupt a persons biological clock which is problematic since certain natural defenses against cancer are produced at night.

I do have a newsflash for CNN.com: I don't need any more reasons to hate my job.

Film at 11.

thank god it's monday

2007-11-27T00:52:00.000-08:00

When you work in retail as I do, at a mega-shopping type deal as I do (Shop Smart, beeotches. Shop S-Mart) you find yourself a lot more popular among certain people when Black Friday is rolling around. Too bad none of those Jerkoffs read my blog, cause then I could save myself a lot of lame-ass conversation...

Jerkoff
So, you guys going to have any big sales on friday?

Me
No, actually I don't even think we're open on that day.

Jerkoff
Really? It's like the biggest shopping day of the year.

Me
I'll pass that along to my boss next time I see him.

Another classic one is where the jerkoff thinks I will give them inside information on the sale...

Jerkoff
So, what are some of the big sale items for black friday?

Me
We'll have a two for one on douche bags, same as every friday.

Jerkoff
That's funny. Seriously, what do you guys have?

Me
If you go straight to the doors in the very back, we'll be selling some
children we saved from a burning orphanage.

Jerkoff
What?!

Me
Sure, you'll be doing them a huge favor. Any that we don't sell will be
shipped to Thailand.

Jerkoff
Why would I want to buy a kid?

Me
Yeah, you're probably better off with the douche bags.
You'll enjoy the company I'm sure.

My absolute favorite is the assumption that I have insider information on other retail chains sales...

Jerkoff
So, you know what any of the other stores are going to have this year?

Me
Are you retarded? Cause I saw you driving before in a van with your
kids in it, but now I think you shouldn't risk putting your children in
danger. Excuse me while I make a few calls.

I know it's a little late to stop anyone from bugging the shit out of me this year since that week has passed but please spread the word: If you know someone who works in retail and you are about to ask them about Black Friday, try instead something they might give a shit about, like a conversation about the weather or your last bowel movement.

And you wonder why I'm going to start telling people who ask that I'm a professional pornographer.

some one stop me!

2007-11-21T09:32:00.000-08:00

As things go, I'm on pace to have more blog entries in a single month than I've had for a very long time. This entry probably shouldn't count since it's mostly to point out how often I'm blogging. Too bad that blogging 5 times in a month is a lot for me.

To make this post an even greater waste of your time I thought I'd mention that I'll be posting more and more 2der Mooby stuff in the margin over there ------>

Right now there is a new track called "Frantic Attack" If you're interested in that sort of thing I'll probably be putting up a new song every two weeks or so.

Happy Thanksgiving.

gag me with a turkey

2007-11-21T08:32:00.002-08:00

CNN.com posted an article today about competitive eating. George Shea, Chairman of the International Federation of Competitive Eating says people who compete in such contests are athletes who "train for their sport, working to improve jaw strength and increasing their stomach capacity."

I do that too, but I'm not an athlete I'm just fat and gross.

Mr. Shea is out promoting some turkey eating competition that will be televised on Spike TV. "Seeing these guys go at a 20 pound turkey is like poetry," he says.

I would have to disagree. Poetry can be bad sometimes but it should never make you vomit.

I know a lot of these "athletes" are not overweight and are in decent shape considering what they do, but watching them shove food down their throats might be the single most disgusting thing (outside of a White House press conference from the past seven years) I've seen. As my family can attest, considering some of the shit I've witnesses in the name of "special musical numbers" that's really saying a lot.

My biggest problem with these pseudo-sports (eating, cup stacking, soccer) is that at the end of the day who really gives a shit?

Sure I'm bitter. I'm a champion underachiever. I'd be less pissed off if mine was a sport that was televised on ESPN 2. When that day comes I can promise you two things will happen: I'll ease up on competitive eaters and I will rule the world.

for when you have nothing else to blog about

2007-11-12T16:32:00.000-08:00

Google Ads have become so ubiquitous that I don't even notice the weird ones anymore. It took a spotter to point this gem out to me:

I really miss out when I ignore stuff.

tv changes

2007-11-10T11:38:00.000-08:00

Forget the writers strike, even if that gets resolved so the world can have new episodes of and The Office30 Rock not everything on the boob tube right now is fixable.

Case in point, Joe Mantegna recently replaced Mandy Patinkin as head of the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit on the show Criminal Minds. It was never going to be an easy task to fill the shoes of Inigo Montoya himself, and I have no qualms with Joe Montegna on principle. He's a legend in my mind. The problem is that whenever he is speaking on the show, I don't hear the voice of the haunted and complex character who heads the Behavioral Analysis Unit. I hear Fat Tony from the Simpsons.

It's not just me either. My wife and I sat giggling through the entire episode this week.

Another big change came on American Chopper. This has been one of my favorite shows on TV since it started. For those that know me and are scratching their heads, it's true. I'm not a chopper guy and I'm not a reality TV guy, but the family dynamic has been more than enough to keep me glued to this show for years. Vinnie DiMartino recently left the shop to pursue his own thing which is all well and good. He's been doing the heavy lifting for years at that shop and shouldn't be relegated to standing in the shadow of others. But he was more than an all-purpose shop rat and fabricator. He was the foil to the jackass-ery of the Teutul family and now that's he's gone, they are suddenly less sympathetic to me. I still like Mikey, he's the shit. But the show has lost more than just an employee at OCC.

The good news is I suddenly have 2 hours every week to fill by doing my own thing. What are the chances of me filling the void with something other than more television?

One in Infinity?

I couldn't have said it better

2007-11-04T07:30:00.000-08:00

My Halloween Costume

2007-10-31T14:55:00.000-07:00

We're not supposed to dress up for work at the soulless retailer, but tonight I'm going in costume as someone who could give a shit.

world gone mad

2007-10-17T14:48:00.000-07:00

What the world is coming to?

I was watching Ebert & Roeper today and noticed they no longer do anything relating to the thumbs anymore. I couldn't believe it. They either like a movie or didn't, recommend it or not. Disney, who produces the show (and as a corporate behemoth epitomizes evil) says it was Roger Ebert who pulled the plug due to his lack of involvement with the show and Ebert says it was Disney who eliminated the most recognizable and iconic symbol in film criticism.

I thumb my nose at all of you.

In other news, I think it's funny that the new Bionic Woman might be the most misogynistic show on television today. Actually, it's really not funny at all but sad how out of touch people can be to make a show about a woman made super special against her will and then forced to work for the people that fixed her. Of course the earlier version of the bionic woman (who is now a rogue enemy) is "crazy" because she didn't cooperate.

But that's not what pisses me off about the show. They took out that cool sound effect from the original. You know the shook-shook-shook sound she made when she was running? Not here at all. That's stupid. What is the point of remaking something if you're going to leave out the best parts? It would be like making a modern day A-Team and casting Wayne Brady as the Mr. T character.

There is a reason we call it Warner BROTHERS

2007-10-08T18:58:00.000-07:00

Because I am sweating the serious lack of blog updates, and have nothing better to do at the moment (huge lie but I can't bring myself to be doing anything I should be doing) I am going to start a "you're a giant douche" list, and I'll kick it all off by putting President of Production at Warner Bros Jeff Robinov at the very top.

Feel free to click the link if you haven't heard the flap, but if you don't know or don't care let me assure you that Mr. Robinov's major contribution to society is being a giant fucking douche. Feel free to contribute your own nominations to the list if so motivated. I imagine one day publishing a book of the list. It could be like Zagat only not about restaurants.

Will Smith just don't understand.

2007-09-29T05:41:00.001-07:00

Will Smith is apparently developing a remake of a Karate Kid.

There goes my ulcer.

* * *

In non Will Smith related news that makes me roll my eyes, there is talk of an updated Knight Rider series for television. Okay, I lied. This doesn't make me roll my eyes it just really pisses me off!

As much as it kills me to say it (and it really does), I don't think I can live in a world where Michael Knight is not played by David Hasselhoff driving a car not voiced by William Daniels.

Get the Word Out

2007-09-29T04:56:00.000-07:00

If I was god, I would have one rule and one rule only: Thou shalt not be a douche bag.

I once believed there was a finite amount of douche baggery in the world, shifting from place to place filling some sort of balance in the world. Anytime the some asshole blew up an abortion clinic it was there. Any time a politician got on his soap box to say just about anything, it was probably there. Any time someone put Richard Gere in a movie... well, you get the idea.

But as I observe the workings of the world I worry (something I am prone to do) that the douchiness is actually increasing exponentially. It's only a matter of time before it starts choking the life out of the most important endangered species on the planet - decent and considerate human beings.

I'd like to think it's not too late. I also suspect that there are enough non-douche bags to at least put up a pretty good fight if properly motivated. We probably can't change the world but we really, really need to.

I'm only going to say this once...

2007-09-20T13:36:00.000-07:00

Oh hell yes!

yes that is is a link, by the way

DONE!

2007-09-14T03:22:00.000-07:00

I have finished moving my damn blog!

No promise on more frequent updates but at least all my wit, charm, and spectacular failures are in one place for the world to enjoy. Sure I still have some housekeeping and formatting issues to clear up but that's more for me and less for you, right?

And to think there are people who actually believe I don't spend my time well...

Bottom line - if you want to impress anyone, you might avoid telling them that you only produce techno music when you are not working on your screenplay.

New Song by 2der Mooby

2007-08-26T18:04:00.000-07:00

This is how I spent my Sunday.

Who says science isn't useful?

2007-08-24T13:28:00.000-07:00

I can't believe this didn't fall under the category of "breaking news" but CNN.com reports that even a lumbering T-Rex (far from the fastest of dinosaurs) could outrun David Beckham. Now there is some information that will come in handy.

As you may or may not know, I have spent the better portion of the last 15 years (when I first read Jurassic Park) and billions of dollars in a effort to clone a Tyrannosaurus Rex for the specific purpose of eating David Beckham. According to this report that was time well spent. I no longer have to worry about surprising "Becks" with a massive T-Rex (that being the X factor in the plan) , rather I can set the beast loose in his general vicinity and only hope that by the time Rexy catches the world class soccer player he will not already have a belly full of bystanders (that would be the "collateral damage" as they say in the biz).

The only down side to my plan is that even as dinosaur poop we all know that Mr. Beckham will be featured more prevalently in the news than any shit that really matters.

Da Bearsss win a game that means nothing

2007-08-21T18:13:00.000-07:00

Sure da Bears beat the Colts on Monday Night Football but this is the pre-season. Starters barely played one quarter. But it is football, it is da Bears, and they did win.

So...

EAT SHIT PEYTON MANNING!*

*I actually hate myself a little for saying this because even though his team beat mine in last years super bowl, he is indeed one of the better human beings not only in sports but period. There I said it... now get bent.

two jerks is two too many

2007-08-12T10:11:00.000-07:00

Twice in the last week I've been at 7-11 while a police officer was in there trying to get something for free or at least at a discount. That's about the jerkiest thing a person can do, if you ask me. When you take into account the neighborhood this particular store is in it's even more disgusting considering any cop that walks into that place makes more than the average patron. Perhaps I'd feel different if I spent more time flaunting the power I have in my own job to get free shit.

"What? I gotta pay for this donut?! You really gonna make me do that? FINE! But the next time you go to S-Mart to buy your kid an athletic supporter off the peg that says 'large' but when you get home you realize you have a medium don't come cryin' to me."

Yeah bitches. I'm done paying for my donuts.

15 minutes to go

2007-08-11T16:39:00.001-07:00

Da Bearssssss!This is a decent approximation of the face I make
every time Rex Grossman fumbles the snap. I can
only hope it happens less often than it did last year.
The pre-season starts in just a few minutes.

Foiled!

2007-07-28T12:35:00.000-07:00

My G-mail invites are useless! I am no longer über-superior with my invite only G-mail. Any Tom, Dick, or robot Cheney can get an account by going to the page and "selecting a name." That means anyone (and I mean anyone) can have G-mail.

Poop!

Not that I ever used my invites. The point of the invites was never to share but to lord my coolness over the masses (as if G-mail was really that exclusive, but still...) and now that they are worthless there is no point in denying them. On the other hand, why use them now? Why bother?!

I remember when I was (at least, or perhaps at best) a member of the upper echelons of the lower internet class but now I am nothing more than an internet peasant. I might as well go back to dial-up.

The real tragedy here is that this has only recently occurred to me. How many months am I behind the curve here? I only ask that you hit me quick with the reality so my true humiliation can begin.

VP Update

2007-07-28T12:09:00.000-07:00

Dick Cheney reportedly left the hospital after having surgery to receive a "new battery" for his pace maker. As if we didn't know this was simply another in a long line of procedures replacing Mr. Cheney's organs with robot parts. Right now in robot terms he's probably about a C-3PO without the gayness. Also instead of being fluent in 6 million forms of communication he's just an asshole. He is not yet as terrifying as a Terminator but already infinitely cooler than Short Circuit's Johnny Number 5.

Interestingly when all is said and done he will actually be more human than he is now.

new business venture

2007-07-22T00:32:00.000-07:00

I'd like to start producing audio commentaries for books but I suspect they may be wildly unpopular

boss jokes

2007-07-21T03:24:00.000-07:00

You've probably heard how given enough time a certain number of monkeys banging away at typewriters would eventually type out the complete works of Shakespeare. I never understood why the bar for that probability had to be set so high, as I would be impressed if a bunch of monkeys eventually came up with the first three chapters of Tuesdays with Morrie.

But then I think of replacing those monkeys with the people I work for and I doubt they could hammer out a Dick & Jane in any amount of time even if they were using the actual book as a reference.

and another thing...

2007-07-18T07:26:00.000-07:00

I've always wanted to try matzo but I've never had the balls.

Speaking of the Spice Girls...

2007-07-17T15:24:00.000-07:00

America is getting dumber, I can not deny that. It does warm my heart to see that I'm not the only one that doesn't give a shit about David Beckham and his former Spice Girl wife. A reality show about their arrival here in the States was watched by fewer people than watched a repeat of Wife Swap.

In the war against this nation's burgeoning stupidity it's not a victory per se, but every little bit counts.

entry notes
In case my brother is curious how much I just don't care about these two human beings (and as far as I'm concerned they barely qualify that characterization) I put them right up there next to your recent estimation of Larry King.

If other readers are curious as to what that means exactly, let's say for now that it is not good.

One final note, anything in italics on this blog should be read in the voice of John C. Mcginley as Dr. Cox from Scrubs unless otherwise noted.

Hells Bells Yes

2007-07-17T09:02:00.000-07:00

Way back in 1980, a little band called AC/DC closed their Back in Black album with a song that mentioned among other things that "rock and roll ain't gonna die," and how right they were. I always imagined they were speaking in generalities but it need not apply to more than that particular album which last year (26 years later) sold 440,000 copies.

Why would I even bother bringing this up? First of all, Back in Black is a great album that like a fine wine has only gotten better with age. Secondly, there was an article about it on CNN.com... duh.

What amuses me most about this article and the numbers from Nielson Soundscan is that they confirm that rock and roll ain't noise pollution while simultaneously suggesting that Ace of Bass, Bobby Brown and the Spice Girls (and other musicians of that ilk) just might be.

Not that the notion should shock anyone.

Goodbye St. Francis

2007-07-10T14:42:00.000-07:00

The St. Francis Church was leveled to nothingness today. It's only a matter of time before that particular corner of Provo is turned into a cost cutting monstrosity (most likely apartments) covered in some shade of brown stucco.

It's sad to see it go as so much of the older and interesting bits of this town I live in slip away in the name of progress and student housing. Much of the new architecture is bland and soulless and worst of all unimaginative. Shouldn't be a shock, as this really is the town with the least taste per capita.

who puts holidays in the middle of the week?

2007-07-05T14:01:00.000-07:00

Should I blame my age? Am I getting old when mid-week holidays bug me worse than holidays falling on a Sunday only to be celebrated on Monday?

The problem is that one day transition into the regular week (or simply regularity), that state of mind we call "Monday." We all know how sometimes Tuesday can feel like a Monday, and perhaps I have been conditioned by a lifetime of Memorial/Labor/Presidents Days (and the rest) for it to be less offensive when I encounter a Tuesday of that ilk.

I've been in a bit of funk today and I only recently figured it out (thanks to Sean Means for helping me locate the source of my troubles). Thursday should never feel like a Monday. It is unnatural and it is not right.

I won't stand for it.

Even worse, what does that mean for July 5th next year?

Why I don't talk much about Utah Politicians

2007-06-16T10:51:00.000-07:00

According to Mark Shurtleff, a sure fire way to instantly turn a girl into your girlfriend is to watch the movie Camelot with her. "That's a promise from the attorney general. ... It's a chick flick but there's sword fighting and jousting, too."

Thanks Mark, you make me so proud.

RIP D.R.E.

2007-06-14T11:38:00.000-07:00

If you want to be a journalist, do yourself a favor and read the interviews by Daniel Robert Epstein.

You will be missed, sir.

honesty... or something like it

2007-05-31T01:20:00.000-07:00

My Chex Mix doesn't have and expiration date, it simply says "fresher if used by..."

Ain't that the truth.

end of the world as we know it

2007-05-24T06:48:00.000-07:00

CNN.COM reports that a shark virgin birth is a warning to man.

Well, duh...

I got that warning loud and clear, if you need me to spell it out for you here it is: Jesus is back as a Hammerhead and he's at a Nebraska Zoo.

Now I get why he was so big on people feeding his sheep. In his current form he can munch on those fattened up sheep as tasty snacks. It all makes so much sense now.

note to self

2007-05-17T08:56:00.000-07:00

When putting away big boxes of laundry detergent or kitty litter on shelves above your head ALWAYS keep your mouth shut. Tide or Fresh Step plus Mint Orbit gum is the opposite of yummy. Lets just say they make the worst kind of "flavor crystals."

I was wrong

2007-05-07T08:23:00.000-07:00

I may have been a bit out of line when I made fun of Utah Republicans and their discussion of the influence Satan has over immigrants to this country.

Turns out there may be something to it.

Sheds a new perspective on the words "white devils" doesn't it?

Work Policies

2007-05-02T01:35:00.000-07:00

We have a strict rule at S-Mart that you can't be romantically involved (if you know what I mean) with anyone you work with, which is why I can no longer in clear conscience work with my hands.

Bring on the Soylent Green

2007-04-29T19:58:00.000-07:00

I will never be a slim guy as long as 7-11 sells their Taquitos. Nothing can stop me from eating them, they are too damn delicious. So much so, that if a bleeding and dying Chuck Heston stumbled into my house right now screaming "7-11 Taquitos are PEOPLE!" with his last breath I would walk right over and buy three more... at a discount price (they are people after all).

Why would I even bother?

2007-04-29T19:43:00.000-07:00

You can click here if you think I am making this up.

The Utah County Republicans closed their convention debating Satan's influence on illegal immigrants. Don Larsen, chairman of legislative District 65 for the Utah County Republican Party and a guy who will clearly get my vote for "World's Biggest Douchebag," submitted a resolution warning that Satan's minions want to eliminate national borders and do away with sovereignty.

In a speech at the convention, Larsen told those gathered that illegal immigrants "hate American people" and "are determined to destroy this country, and there is nothing they won't do."

Illegal aliens are in control of the media, and working in tandem with Democrats, are trying to "destroy Christian America" and replace it with "a godless new world order -- and that is not extremism, that is fact," Larsen said.

At the end of his speech, Larsen began to cry, saying illegal immigrants were trying to bring about the destruction of the U.S. "by self invasion."

The hero (a term I use drenched in sarcasm) of the moment has to be Senator Howard Stephenson (R-Draper) who opposes the resolution and who communicated that Larsen was embarrassing the Republican Party

"I agree with 95 percent of this resolution but it has some language that is divisive and not inspiring other people to its vision," he said. "This only gives fodder to the liberal media to give negative attention to the Republican Party."

Ya think?!

All quotes come from the Daily Herald (harktheherald.com)

like I said...

2007-04-29T14:55:00.000-07:00

When I picked up my most recent check at S-Mart the place was in ruins. That guy Ash in Housewares had blasted everything to hell protecting the store's only living hottie from what he referred to as a "deadite." I don't care if he is a badass with his chainsaw/hand and superlative one-liners, I think if they are going to promote the guy, they should do it on the basis of character and customer service skills (where he is woefully underwhelming).

But I digress...

I pick up my paycheck and attached was a card for my five year anniversary at S-mart signed by my superiors. Included was a little certificate that allows me to select from four gifts online. If you have been following my blog over the years, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

All I ever wanted was a thanks, and that's it. I appreciate the gesture but the last thing I need is a mass produced corporate card signed by people who don't know me paper clipped to my paycheck. When I say S-Mart is a soulless retailer it's supposed to be tongue in cheek.

It's just like them to wreck the joke by actually making it true.

even more fist names

2007-04-19T09:19:00.000-07:00

If you read the comments on my blog, you might be aware that my bro was looking for a help with a fist name, and it had to be something that went with "Rosy" which is what he named his lefty. Although I can't for the life of me think of what he should name his righty (but I suspect that naming your fists is a bit like shooting your own dog) , I was initially a little disappointed that he had settled on Rosy. I thought my own brother could do better than that.

But then it occurred to me that with Rosy, he could always tell people that his left fist is "a lover and not a fighter" and now I think it might be the best fist name ever.

Good on ya, bro. I'm ever so proud!

5 Years

2007-04-14T05:04:00.000-07:00

I passed my 5 year anniversary at S-Mart without so much as a damn word. I don't need a medal or anything like that but a "thanks" would go a hell of a long way.

I'm starting to feel invisible there.

whens gonna be my time?

2007-04-13T18:51:00.000-07:00

We have a bird problem at S-Mart and the solution involves a dude with a glorified version of a pellet gun stalking around our stockroom waiting for a chance to put the sad little buggers out of their misery. The first night he only got one, so I suggested that he build a blind on the "the steel" (giant shelves made to hold entire pallets of stuff) and cover himself in bird pee. I don't think the advice went over well since the next night he came back with a buddy instead. Two is better than one, right?

If there is a silver lining here, it is that S-Mart has finally gotten around to putting suffering creatures down. I figure its only a matter of time now before bb gun guy comes for me.

Kurt is in heaven now

2007-04-12T06:55:00.000-07:00

Rest in peace Mr. Vonnegut and thanks for everything You will be missed.

bunch of pussies

2007-04-10T08:20:00.000-07:00

I'm not calling any names or anything, I just like saying those three words.

In the movie Donnie Darko it is discussed how a famous linguist decided of all the combinations of words and sounds in the English language that "cellar door" was the most pleasant.

According to Wikipedia that wasn't so much a linguist as it was JRR Tolkien. Keep in mind that he said it with a British accent, something that is not addressed in the movie. When spoken with such an accent, it does indeed sound rather pleasant. When Americans say it, it just sounds like words.

Since I am an American, I like to think of things that sound pleasing sans the fruity accent. It is my contention that "bunch of pussies" comes close to being the American equivalent of "cellar door."

I think the word "panties" is certainly also a contender.

edit - I've thought about it some more and I can't help but suspect "Vanilla Milkshake" is up there too.

uh... what?!

2007-04-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

Should I be frightened that Saturday night I watched the original Planet of the Apes on the History Channel?