to/for all intents and purposes

I love my brother so I really hate to bitch-slap him on the internet. He found what he believed a "flaw" in my last entry where I was making fun of dorks who say "intensive purposes" as opposed to "intents and purposes." He corrected me, pointing out that I had the expression wrong by using to instead of for. That would have made me look pretty silly.

Except...

I have seen it both ways in literature and have heard it used both ways by people who I can only imagine knew what they were talking about. I used to because I had just read it as such (in Arthur Miller no less), and I was reminded of jerks who butcher that cliche and that I should put it in my blog. To support my claim I found some page on the internet which says:

This cliche (meaning "practically") is a shortening of the legal phrase "to all intents, constructions, and purposes" (found in an act adopted under Henry VIII in 1547). The corruption "for all intensive purposes" is frequently reported.

http://alt-usage-english.org/excerpts/fxtoalli.html

Some other web site has this to say:

The correct phrase is "to all intents and purposes:" Also [bastardized as:] for all intents and purposes; [has the same meaning as:] for all practical purposes. Definition: In every practical sense, virtually. For example, For all intents and purposes the case is closed, or For all practical purposes the Vice-President is the chief executive while the President is in the hospital. The first phrase, dating from the 1500s, originated in English law, where it was to all intents, constructions, and purposes.

http://www.faqfarm.com/Q/Is_the_saying_'all_intents_and_purposes'_or_'all_intense_purposes'

Bottom line - people who use the term "intensive purposes" probably don't read and are trying to parrot things they have heard in an attempt to sound smarter than they really are.

http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/intensive.html

I did a search using Google Print, which located the phrase in 17,200 instances in literature so there are certainly plenty of places to read it... I only wonder how many of those are books about cliches... I myself must have read it at least 12 times in Penthouse Forums... err... I mean great literature that is old, and REAL and gets read in schools and bathrooms.

On a related note, people who want to type stuff to appear smarter than they really are have blogs.

To be fair to my brother he didn't really say I was wrong, only that I used a less common form of the expression. But since its been nearly 85 entries since I've overeacted to anything via my blog, I figured it was about time. To my Bro I'd just like to say: for all intensive purposes, I get the idea.

never boring

One thing you probably know about me as you read my blog is that I live in small town Utah.

Real exciting, I know.

First of all, I can tell you that I live in what has been described as one of the most conservative counties in the US. Not only is this county nearly all republicans, it is also has a very high percentage of Mormons. Shocker, I know. Those two things alone make me stick out like a sore thumb. It can be tough to be anything even slightly left of the right around here, but when you are also a Unitarian Universalist, you are out there... and I am.

There is not a lot of diversity around here, and for that I definitely think the place suffers. Culture around here couldn't be more blah. We get a lot of Mormon related crap... "art." Let me tell you that you have know idea how bad music, or literature can be until its been inspired by the "spirit of god."

But besides living in a white bread conservative theocracy that produces such gems like Kurt Bestor and (uuuugh) really awful paintings of the 10 virgins, and having not one decent deli, this place can manage to be interesting.

Most places you say the word "Trojan" and people think of condoms and then of USC. Around here you say the word "Trojan" and people think of condoms and THEN a little place at the mouth of Spanish Fork Canyon on Highway 6 that happens to manufacture explosives (I should note that the company is now called Ensign-Bickford, but all the locals remember the big read sheds with the Trojan painted on the side), and then USC.

We compensate for our lack of culture and learning with mortal danger (although I suppose you can really get that anywhere. I remember one time when I was a wee lad, they had an explosion on a Sunday morning. My folks were gone so it was just us kids at the house. There was a moment where I actually thought the world was going to end. The sound of the explosion rolled across the valley in a way that put the fear of god into me and my siblings... we thought it was an earthquake and so we hid under tables and desks. I can still see my brother bracing himself in the doorway...

I know its not LA or New York, but exploding explosive plants have got to account for something, right? NO? Okay, how about what happened YESTERDAY:

Yesterday afternoon a truck on its way to Oklahoma (from the explosives plant) through the Canyon on highway 6 overturned while taking a corner too fast. Apparently, the 20 or 30 people who stopped to help were all relieved to see the two drivers escape the cab apparently unharmed until they heard what the truck drivers where screaming - "It's explosives! Get out of here!"

35,500 pounds of explosives to be exact. One driver managed to get about 75 yards from the truck but was still picked up and thrown to the ground by the explosion that left a crater that was thirty feet deep, 70 feet wide, and took out the highway, part of the canyon wall, the train tracks, and started a dozen or so brush fires near by. The explosion blew the truck 100 feet UP a rock cliff.

If the truckers had not been able to warn people of the impending danger, people could have been killed. Its bad enough that 6 people were injured--don't get me wrong--but the situation could have been much worse.

On a personal note, I get really annoyed by people who try to say things but can't. Like when they tell me something is a mute point, or say pacifically, when they mean specifically.

The one that is really bugging me now is when people say or write to all intensive purposes...

What the hell?!

... To all intents AND purposes, dumbass.

Like I can talk, I can't spell and I went to a private school. I suppose I shouldn't expect anyone with a college education to know something like that.

its an update because I say its an update

You had better tighten your seat belt, as this entry is going to be all over the road.

I was going to refer to this as yet another obligatory blog update, but it occurs to me that perhaps all 111 updates have been just that. Why should this one be so fucking special that I single it out?

This entry is just like all the others. Before its over I'll mention that I hate Michael Bay, I'll tell you that my sorry ass is employed by a soulless retailer, and you'll read once more time that Yale President Richard Levin is out to get me.

There has been one subtle change that has made work extra-super-great these last few weeks. One thing that seemed way too good to be true. My friends and I talked about how nice the atmosphere at work had been lately, and speculated between ourselves how such a change had come about... there was a curiosity building in each of us--way worse than the curiosity that my faithful reader has gained from reading this vague "inside" tale from work--and I said to my friend Pat that the moment we asked someone who knew what was going on, we would be told that the next day things would be back to how they used to be... which was less than stellar.

And then they had to go and ask. And you know what? It looks like tomorrow, things will go back to the way they were.

SHIT!

Lesson learned - when life is going good, don't question it. Just smile, scratch your ass, and breathe in the good day.

Today I made the best mashed potatoes in the history of the planet. They were sooooo good. The down side is that with each bite you take of my tatoes you actually lose three days of your life... but you know what? Its totally worth it.

I've really hit a wall as far as my blog is concerned. It could be that I'm burning out. Maybe I have enough crap going on that I don't feel like this is such a priority at the moment--I'm as shocked as anyone to see my life becoming less blog-o-centric.

Perhaps the time has actually come for me to put the "blah" in blog...

Maybe trying to continue my blog at a time like this is a worse idea than tunafish nachos.

I must be in a funk. I know I am when a brand new Uberhack movie came out and I didn't mention it even ONCE. Michael Bay is the Antichrist of film and I can't even bust out an entry that bags on him or his shitty new movie... what the hell?

I've got this running drama with my family that is starting to go really bad. I have not been to a family gathering in a very long time. My mom always tries to guilt me into going ("its been so long since anyone has seen your kids...") and since that has not worked so well, this time she tried to work the mojo on my wife. Well, the party came and went and SHOCKER I didn't go.

Social stuff is really overwhelming for me. I think that the reason I don't get to the family stuff is that since there are so many other social obligations that I can't weasel my way out of that somewhere deep down I assume that my family of all people should understand if I blow them off periodically...

But months turn into years...

My family is strange--as every family manages to be. They have moments where they can be really wonderful or really intense. Sometimes its a frenzied cross section of the best and the worst bombarding the innocent with the speed and might of the blitzkrieg... in other words we're probably pretty average.

I guess I'd better get my ass to some family something next time around, just so I'll quit getting shit about missing it... and it'll probably be good to see them... probably

That pretty much wraps it up for today. If you stuck with me through this wild ride I say thanks... I feel like I'm missing something...

Oh yeah, Richard Levin thinks I suck.

-the end-

maybe this is not such a good idea

Not only do I believe the theory of evolution, but I am huge supporter of "survival of the fittest." My greatest concern with humans as a species is that through the marvels of medicine and science we have managed to cheat that principle to the greatest of extremes.

At the same time we have managed to play the other side of the game by driving god knows how many species into extinction, not to mention the vast number that are close enough to extinction to be classified as "endangered."

For the most part I feel it behooves us to do our part in correcting the horrible atrocities we've committed against nature by protecting our endangered species. It’s the least we can do, right? (which incidentally is usually the most we ever do)

But perhaps it is arrogant to think that we must save ALL of the species we are wiping out. As we--speaking for all living creatures here--move on, age, and "evolve" it only makes sense that some of us would have gone the way of the dodo... deforestation or not. I think that perhaps we should apply some level of wisdom as to what species we actually save.

Here's an example of what I mean:

SYDNEY, Australia (Reuters) -- The endangered grey nurse shark is its own worst enemy, its young eat each other in the womb, so Australian scientists have a radical rescue plan to artificially inseminate and breed the ocean predator in test-tubes.

I cannot deny that the reason these sharks aren't doing so well in the first place is that humans have somehow managed to drive their numbers down. I'm not sure what is worse for the grey nurse shark - whether they have been hunted for their precious parts (whatever that means), whether they have been poisoned by industrial beach waste, or perhaps they taste great on a cracker. I don't know.

But that’s beside the point.

If prenatal cannibalism isn't a sign that this species needs to be "selected" right out of the game of evolution, then I don't know what is.

report of the reunion

Now that I have had time to recover from the family reunion with the in-laws, I expect some of my readers will be eager to hear all of the horrors of the trip...

Well, I have little to say beyond this picture of a shirt we were all given.

That's the family Motto. Pretty much sums it up for me... Catchy, don't you think?

The good news is that since I'm not supposed to embarrass the family I'll certainly never be expected to wear this shirt in public.

Right?

sounds like a good plan

My 5 year old daughter tells me that when she has kids of her own they are all going to live at RC Willey--that's right, the furniture store. She says that her kids can sit and sleep in so many places and that the "possibilities would be endless."

Her biggest concern with living at RC Willey was that they had no dishes there, but she told me she had a few days to figure that one out.

and I'm out

I'm off for a couple of days for a reunion with the in-laws. It will most likely be the worst two days of my life. Luckily, I've had enough really bad days that it will be nice to see all the shit go full tilt to the extreme. Then maybe the other stuff won't seem so bad. Okay so it won't be that bad, but by preparing for the worst it can only get better, right?

I can tell by the bewildered look in your eyes that most of you have no idea what I'm talking about. For those of you who do... I feel for ya.

I have decided that I just don't care for most peoples opinions, especially those kind of people whose opinions only exsist to justify the things they do. I also dislike opinions that are boring as well as really vague generalized ones... but thats just my opinion.

I have thought a lot about my funeral for the last while. I'm not going to die anytime soon--as far as I know, anyway--I just have some slightly bitter memories of a dear relative who passed away only to have the family ignore most of the wishes the deceased had for the funeral. I also consider all the hubbub surrounding a "living will" thanks to... whats her name? You know that lady who was in the news around the same time there was all that commotion regarding the dude who wore a pointy hat? You remember her? I can't remember her name... sad that story didn't get much media attention...

ANYWAY

I also remember this time when I worked for a soulless convenience store when some guy lost his day planner and while we waited for him to pick it up we read through it and found some really bizarre shit in there. One thing was he had planned out his funeral, and what he wanted all the people (wife, children, friend, etc) to say, down to the very words. As we read through that we all laughed hysterically.

Not nice, I know.

But I have often thought of that guy's planner and the things he wrote. In a way it was as if he was planning to be a good person with all this amazing qualities that he may or may not already have. As cynical as I am I find it laughable to "plan" what kind of person you are going to be. I think there are choices we can make and things we can do to influence the positive way people see us, but on the whole I think you are either a good person, an asshole, or a gray fuzzy creature that exists somewhere in between. And there is nothing you can do about it.

But thats me. And if I thought my views were correct enough to change the world I'd be charging you to read my blog and I'd using that money to start a religion.

The only thing I know for sure is that I would like to be buried in my "can't sleep the clowns will eat me" t-shirt and sandals. I haven't made a decision about the pants yet. Although I'm thinking its gotta be shorts... or maybe a skirt... its a tough decision.

And I think I am getting close to deciding what should be on my headstone. I have it down to these:

• Jefrey (with one F) took up the space
• they got me
• Husband, father, brother and friend... finally found a quiet place to rest

But the one I like most so far is one that sums me up best. In big black letters you would read "go fuck you're self" See, its funny since its what I say and it emphasizes the fact that I could give a shit if my grammar is correct. Plus you guys can laugh at all the people that don't get the joke, or the "you're"... its up to you.

I'm not going to spell check this entry either...

So I'll be gone for a few days, then I'll be swamped with company and work and some other projects... so don't think for a second the updates are going to start rolling in anytime soon... But I can't and I won't apologize for that. I'm sorry, that's just the way I am.

Before I go I should send a shout out to all those low-grade nihilists out there... you know who you are. I just want to tell you that excess ain't rebellion. Rebellion comes straight from the heart. Its not about making up for lost time its about moving on and being happy without whatever it was that was keeping you down. If you really want to stick it to the establishment, or the man, or the machine (fucking George Foreman Grill...), thats the best way to do it. Most importantly grow up and don't suck. Although I think its great to be free and do what it is that makes you happy, the second you start making choices that are hurtful to others is the moment you start to suck. And if you're going to suck, do me a favor and stay the hell away from me.

If everyone made a concerted effort not to suck, the world would be a better place. You don't need an education, or a religion, or a philosophy... just don't suck.

regrets and the "news"

I've mentioned that I have been examining my life a great deal lately and I have a whole list of regrets that haunt me and keep me up at night... some I can make good on, but there are several that seem to be that once in a lifetime-type creature and they are the ones that hurt the worst.

So here they are, my regrets, in no particular order:

• I regret that I paid money to see Madagascar. You'd think I'd have learned after Sharks Tale... I gotta remember my mantra "Dreamworks animated movies--both CG and traditional--suck if it doesn't have the word 'Shrek' in the title." I try to repeat that three or four times as I look in the mirror each day.
• I regret that I know how much it costs to have someone rubbed out, but I'm even more disturbed knowing I could afford it through financing.
• I regret that there were a couple of times while chatting on Yahoo (okay so I do sometimes Yahoo) I typed "lol" even though I didn't really.
• I really regret that I told Yale President Richard Levin that I didn't think he had the balls to "knock me in the teeth."
• I regret having canceled my dental insurance 2 days before Yale President Richard Levin showed up on my doorstep.
• I regret that I paid money for the Time-Life commemorative Civil War chess set. I have been getting a new piece about every other month for three years and I still can't play the damn game.
• I regret that when my sister had a chance to meet former Utah Jazz power forward Karl Malone and stick it to him for the family, I told her to take it easy on him
• I regret being a pacifist, but only at moments where I really should have kicked someone's ass
• I regret that my life to a point has become blogocentric, and that even though I read my best friends blog and he reads mine, some days when we're hanging out our blogs are all we talk about. Other problems associated with this are the horrible fear and anguish I feel if my internet connection isn't working properly, or on those rare occasions where my blog's server is down for routine maintenance... If I can't get my fix I collapse to the ground shouting "WHY GOD?! WHY MUST YOU PUNISH ME SO????" Usually its just a few minutes before I'm up and running again. And who says God doesn't answer a humanists prayers?
• I regret that I can't flip past FOX news channel without stopping, especially if that blowhole O'Reilly is on. As if I need to be reminded about what a dick he is.
• I regret that there is still no remote device that allows me to poke computer users in the eye when they do something that even mildly irritates me LIKE TYPING TWO PAGE EMAILS IN ALL CAPS, or correcting my spelling, or if they send me one of those prayer-wheel emails.
• And I regret that I don't have enough occult paraphernalia to leave casually about the yard in a way that would allow me to ward off certain types of potential neighbors that are eyeballing the vacant house next to mine.

In National News

In other news I got tracked down by the US Census Bureau today. I've been successfully avoiding them for some time but like the lady told me I can't hide forever. Just a heads up for anyone who reads this blog that is watching the census numbers, apparently all you need to do is add four to whatever total you have in front of you for the new correct total.

In Local news

My five year old daughter listens to my wife really closely. I can tell because when she was playing restaurant today with her little brother she was ordering seafood for both of them with a Ceasar side salad, and wine to drink.

In Entertainment News

I finally got around to seeing Sin City. It was playing at the dollar movie, so I went to the earliest show I could on a Sunday. I went by myself and figured I would be one of only a few--if any--people in the theater. I was wrong. There was a group of five guys in their late thirties or early forties dressed in their white shirts and ties. They sat not too far from me and talked quite loudly for the few minutes that remained before the movie started. This is what I gathered from their conversation:

• They were all married and church going members of the LDS faith (Living is Utah I have found there are a few Mormons around if you know where to look)
• They had told their wives that they were at a missionary farewell--something that they would attend away from their usual location of worship--this was the big cloak and dagger smokescreen so they could see an R-rated movie that is generally forbidden by the LDS faith.
• This was the "worst" thing one guy had ever done.

I thought it was kind of sad that they had to lie and sneak just to commit what seemed to be such a tiny little sin. I felt less bad for them once the movie started and they would giggle like schoolboys anytime there was anything even remotely sexual on the screen (it got really out of hand when the boobies started flying).

In other news

I am currently in the Market for a new fan club president. Duties are pretty lax, you don't have to make public appearances or speeches or anything like that. You don't even have to read my blog, just tell me that you do and that you think "its great" will be sufficient. You will also be expected to handle any fan mail... if I ever get any. You will no longer have to deal with my hate mail since Yale President Richard Levin has somehow obtained by private phone number and contacts me directly on a bi-weekly basis to give me shit about my blog.

106th entry!

I can’t believe this is already 106! What a landmark… ugh... Unfortunately, every single one of those entries represents a period of time that I focused on this project that could have been spent elsewhere. I guess any amount of time spent on anything COULD theoretically have been spent doing something else, but since you only spend time actually doing the things that you do why worry about what you could have or even should have done, because then you are only spending more time doing something that you probably shouldn’t? Even knowing this doesn’t change what you do. In a lot of cases worrying about it doesn’t help at all. The bottom line is that you didn’t do whatever it is you could have done, and to be perfectly cynical you probably won’t in the future either.

That’s why instead of trying to be clever or witty, I’m going to be a downer. Not because I should, because I could.

I have a lot of reason to be. But I have more reasons to be happy. In my real life (the life where my last name isn’t Blunderson and I don’t receive threats from an Ivy League College President) I have been going through a period of deep and intense introspection and am trying to figure out what is most important to me and which path I should choose from here (insert obligatory Robert Frost reference at your own leisure).

Part of that includes looking back through my hundred and five entries and watching certain events and moments from my life play out in a way where I am a third party spectator. This blog tells me a lot more about myself than anyone else. Its ironic perhaps that my blog, posted on the web for all to see, is actually an intensely personal exercise in my own existence.

Maybe that’s not ironic at all.

All I know is that the road toward my 212^th post is much less clear than I thought it was, and that I need to stay on the road to avoid meaningless wandering and getting lost.

more of the same

I have already made it clear that CNN.com has no interest in reporting real news. Today I discover that they don't even cover real "celebrity news." Here is a headline from today:

George Clooney stands up

Thanks for keeping me posted... jerks. I hope he doesn't stay on his feet for too long... being a busy celebrity and all.