hoffa is not in my pants

Why can't this thing go away? Its been what, 30 years? 31?!

I get that a lot of people are caught up in what happened to Jimmy Hoffa but I am to the point where I'm as interested in hearing about where he might be as I am in watching an episode of the Surreal Life with Jose Canseco. So what if he is there? Who cares? Does it even matter if he's still alive? (those last three questions could go either Hoffa or Canseco I suppose)

What is it about big Jim that causes so many of us to feel a desperate need for closure?

I for one feel the on again/off again efforts to find even a trace of Hoffa are not only half-assed and tedious, but a perfect reflection of American society as a whole. Our attention span has grown short and impatient (think for a moment of 250 million Abraham J simpsons and you get where I'm comming from). How it has come to this involves a discussion that I'm not interested in and I certainly don't care for (see what I did there?). But like most things that get us all excited, it is far too late to glean anything from all the hubub that could benefit any of us intellectually or otherwise. If they do find Jimbo, we'll buzz like the pathetic media sheep that we are, then go back to watching TiVo'd episodes of America's Next Top Model.


Or in my case, The Surreal Life with Jose Canseco.


If the Feds really want to find Hoffa, they should probably start looking everywhere. I realize that sounds like a lot of work, but if I've learned anything about being an American these last few years it would be that it is not wrong to waste time, money, or even lives on any endeavor as long as we stick to our guns no matter how wrong we end up being... in the end. If we start today we could complete that task by 3037. It may amount to a colossal waste of time, but at least we'll have found Jimmy Hoffa, and even I have to admit that that will have been more worthwhile than most of the other things we're doing right now.


And then we can focus on problems that truly affect us as people in what I like to call "the actual world."


Questions like: When the fuck is Tom Hanks going to cut his hair?


Seriously, it is really starting to bother me.

true stories from s-mart

The first thing I do after I punch my time card for the soulless retailer that employs my sorry ass, is traverse the sales floor as I make my way back to the receiving dock which is where I actually begin each night of work. It's a treacherous journey considering that the store is often open a whole hour after I arrive, and it would be safe to say that avoiding customers on my way to the back is more than a hobby of mine.

I've actually done a really good job of not interacting with customers for a very long time. The last time I was stopped on the sales floor by someone with a question was before Christmas. It was a couple that was searching for something a family member had registered for--a set of Rubbermaid containers with your choice of blue or red lids.

At one point I actually had dreams of a Cal Ripken type streak of not helping customers. Unfortunately, I have to start all over. Tonight I was approached by a young couple as I was literally feet from once again crossing the floor being the absolute least help possible. They asked me where they might find some folding chairs and before I could take them there, the woman said this:

"I know you hate helping us."

I froze. Could they read my mind? How frightening. But this fear was quickly put to rest.

"I mean, I know how it is. I used to work at Shopko and my husband works and Costco. So we know what its like to have to help someone... what a drag it is."

Never mind the fact that I actually work graveyards so I can avoid contact with the masses of idiots that pour into my store on a daily basis. Ignore for a moment the pain I felt knowing my streak had been broken. Delete from your mind the fact that the item they were looking for was just a few feet away she made that comment...

I stopped to look these people in the eye as I said "As long as we're clear on that."

I took them the last few steps to the chairs before letting them know where I'd be incase they needed anymore help.

excuse me while I puke

CNN.Com reports that Bill Gates wishes he wasn't so rich.

"I wish I wasn't. There is nothing good that comes out of that," said Gates

That sounds real rough, buddy. Let me be the first to say : BOO FUCKING HOO!

say it isn't so

Variety shares some disturbing news:

After years of delays, Ayn Rand's most ambitious novel may finally be coming to the big screen reports Variety.

Lionsgate has picked up worldwide distribution rights to a film version of Rand's 1957 epic "Atlas Shrugged", considered in many polls to be the most influential book in history short of the Bible. The story revolves around the economic collapse of the U.S. sometime in the future and espouses her individualistic philosophy of objectivism.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are rumored to be circling the leading roles of Dagny Taggart and John Galt. The likes of Clint Eastwood, Robert Redford and Faye Dunaway have previously been attached to the flick. The budget is expected to cost a little above $30 million with actors expected to take paycuts.

Paycuts, wow. How selfless... Ayn would be so proud.

Are you kidding me?!

Keep them away from this movie! Both of them, but especially Angelina Jolie. And if you could make it so she stayed away from all movies forever, that would be good.

I guess I would be more worried about this if it weren't for good christians like Ayn Rand and myself sending all those prayers up. I'm pretty sure he must owe us one by now.

oh yeah, and I just saw Star Wars Episode III....

and George Lucas owes me five bucks.

update! - I can stop being mad at Uncle George since I just got this news of this from Arrow in the Head:

Tim Cox (the dude responsible for Sci-Fi Channel fare like LARVA and MAMMOTH), recently sat down with IFMagazine to discuss his new project: the 1984 cheese-fest C.H.U.D. Currently, Cox and Brook Durham are in the process of penning the treatment for the remake based on the film about mutant carivores living in the sewers. "...we can hopefully pull it off as well as recent revisions such as Dawn of the Dead and The Hills Have Eyes. Our version is much darker, grittier and down-right surrealistic compared to the original film, but we think fans will appreciate the fresh approach...it's classic, no holds barred horror."

In case you do not know me, I am actually right now quite literally laughing out loud, and will now retire to my bed so I can giggle myself to sleep. If you've never done that, I recommend it. Not only is it cheaper than Magic Fingers, its also technically excercise.

No I am not dead... and now the news

According to Assoiated Press (eat that CNN.com!) in Charlotte NC -

Utility workers trying to blast out a grease clog from a sewer line forced 3,000 gallons of raw sewage into a couple's home, forcing them to abandon their house while hoping that the city makes good on a promise to clean up and repair the damage.

Yeah, but did they get the clog?


Update - Today Google News finds more than 1500 stories containing the word feces. 6 of those stories also contain a reference to George W Bush.

bye bye

Reuters is reporting that the Sony Playstation proprietary format for watching movies may be going the way of the dodo.

This makes me so mad! I want to pay as much for a tiny little disc as I would a normal DVD--a tiny disc with absolutely no special features that plays on a screen so small it make those portable DVD players look like the lumbering sherman tanks that they are.

Is there a better way to spend my money?

best attraction in the west my ass

Talk about getting a little too full of yourself...

Hogle Zoo and This is the Place Monument will be joining forces to become one mega super attraction. Ellis Ivory, a spokesman for the project claims it could become "... one of the greatest attractions in the west."

That is a bold statement to say the least, considering that right now on the official List of Great Attractions in the West, they rank 457, and 458 (respectively) out of 500, right after the American Museum of Root Canals but before my cousin Franks hot tub... and that’s not saying much considering Franks hot tub has green water, and not from the chemicals he puts in it either.

As a life long resident (very nearly anyway) of this homey yet sometimes backward state, I have to admit that I have a very hard time imagining a joint venture between these parks at all, let alone the result being one of the greatest attractions in the west. To be sure, something HAS to be done for the animals at Hogle Zoo. The last time I visited, I was shocked at how underwhelming the habitats were and how listless many of the animals appeared.

On the other side of this bizarre little coin is the Mormon history site... I understand the church (in Utah that’s the LDS church) is downplaying the polygamy part of their history, which is too bad since the many wives of Brigham Young play quite heavily in the monuments history. Is adding a zoo and a miniature railroad really going to bring it to a level of the greatest attractions in the west? And by that I of course mean the happiest place on earth... Olympic Gardens (say hooray for boobies!)

I can see it now... an Ameican religious history tour with monkeys and penguins. You'll be able to get those little wax lions from a machine that sits next to the booth that sells a Brigham Young giant foam finger...

I feel like a line is being crossed here but I'm not sure where it is exactly, but do know that if they build a rollercoaster called "Brigham’s First Twenty Wives," well... a guy can dream can't he?

Then again, maybe I am overreacting here. Perhaps Mr. Ellis only meant that this would be one of the greatest attractions in the west[ern portion of Salt Lake City 's east side]. God knows I've misread the news before.

Best TV on... television

John Stewart and Stephen Colbert are simply the funniest people on television today. I've been a fan of the Daily Show for years and recently have felt that the "This Week in God" segment with Colbert (before he went on to do his own half hour of brilliant comedy) was one of the funniest bits on TV period, but I never imagined that Mr. Colbert could carry a show on his own.

I'm pleased to be wrong. I wish those shows were all that were on TV. With the miracle of TiVo, I can almost make that happen.

They are the funniest guys around… without a doubt. If you don't agree with me, just e-mail me your address and I'll come and punch you in the face.

Actually... I don't really like to leave the house so why don't you drop on by. You can find me at - 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC 20500.

Just tell my people at the front door that you're there to knock the man of the house in the teeth, they'll make sure you leave my humble abode more than satisfied.

Oh yeah, and if you’re ever in New York , my real name is Ed Koch. Look me up!

go away already

I would like to inform every major news source (and this includes whatever network is covering the NBA at the moment) that…

I GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are married. I don't care about either of them and I never will. I just don't give a shit.

If you happen to be flipping past a channel where the Spurs are playing, there is a 95 percent chance that you will hear someone mention how Tony Parker is married to Eva Longoria. YES I HEARD/READ ALREADY! And I didn’t even give a rat’s ass the first time. I couldn't give a shit about what they do in their personal lives.

Both of you please just go the fuck away.

Don't Go To Kanab

Kanab, Utah is in the news after passing a resolution upholding marriage between a man and a woman.

According to the mayor of Kanab, its the sort of thing that promotes children, and values, and young women who will grow up to be homemakers.

One way we know that Kanab is on the cutting edge here is that they are the only city on the planet to adopt this particular resolution that was drafted--oddly enough--by a conservative and homophobic think tank.

In reality, the reason this tiny little city is in the news is that Arthur Frommer--nationally syndicated columnists and travel guru--called for a boycott of the town, faulting the resolution as simple minded and bigoted.

Although I agree with Mr. Frommer's stance, I am concerned about one thing...

He said that "[Kanab] really ought to wake up and join the modern world." This makes me wonder if this guy has even visited Utah, let alone a tiny one horse town like Kanab. Joining the modern world is something that would be a challenge for any place in this state, let alone a speck like Kanab. When my brother calls me from France its not just an 8 hour time difference, it's as if he is calling from the future from some advanced and far off wonderful civilization. I mean, this is the only state in the Union where you can actually be ticketed for driving too many times down a certain street during certain hours of the day. Not to mention the fact that if you get pulled over and you don't have a Whitesnake disc in your CD player the fine is doubled...

Join the modern world? I'd be happy if this place could advance past 1985.