I am so bummed

For a very long time I had considered taking a picture of the sign this particular business had up at their car lot but I never did. I tracked them down in the phone book but its just not the same. For whatever reason they have now changed their name. This is a move I wholeheartedly support, as I was always a little disturbed by the old name:

Was this simply an effort to be… klever that resulted in a tasteless miscalculation? Was it someone trying to be funny… another case of tasteless miscalculation? Or was there something more sinister going on here? Should it bother me that this place only sold white cars?
Should it concern me more that they changed the name to FAIR DEAL?
Then again, maybe its just one of a million crappy used car lots and I should move on to thinking about something really important. Speaking of which, does anyone know if Tom Hanks has cut his Da Vinci Code hair yet?

Good Bye

I can't believe I forgot to say goodbye to Clean Flicks. Those filthy self righteous sanitizing bastards no longer have a store in my little town or anywhere, thanks to a judge in Denver who ruled in favor of that crazy little thing called... what was it? Oh yeah. THE LAW.

My only regret is that I failed to say "good fucking bye you fucking pricks" so many weeks ago when it would have been relevant.

you know I live in a small town when...

Today I popped in the grocery store by my house for a few things for dinner. I totally blew the guys mind when I asked for hummus. He stood there looking at me as though he couldn't decide whether I was making something up as if to fuck with him or if it was okay for him to admit he had no idea what I was talking about.
"I have no idea what that is," he finally told me before asking me what the hell hummus was.
I explained to him what it was, but that didn't really seem to help. The guy got this vacant look in his eyes and said "I have... no... idea what that is."
I should cut the guy some slack. This is Springville, Utah after all. He could probably go another 35-40 years without getting that question again.

update - a Google search for "hummus" results in about 5,730,000 pages. I only looked at one in my deep research for this blog entry, and that was a wikipedia entry. One thing I often do after I search for anything online is do another search for that thing (in this case hummus, obviously) and George Bush. Always good for a laugh (well... usually) but today I found this site http://flickr.com/photos/camera/1697539/ which seems to indicate that although he sucks as a president, Mr. Bush tastes great on a cracker... or a pita as the case may be.

what is wrong with people?

this is how you know the world is fucked:

..."Oh no I don't watch television anymore--it will make you stupid so I simply do not watch it at all. Well, I do watch the Simple Life. It's really good..."


this was spoken by a woman behind me in line at the supermarket to a friend in part of a conversation lamenting the decline of intelligence in America. I guess she didn't stop watching TV soon enough.

eh?

While at work for the soulless retailer, I noticed we were selling packages of flash cards that contain state trivia. Funny thing though, there are only 36 cards. I didn't have a chance to look inside, but I can't help but wonder why they didn't include 1 card for each state. Is it possible that there are 14 states that are simply not interesting enough to be worth one factoid printed on a card?

The other thing I wonder about regards the lear jet that crashed that happened to be registered to Pat Robertson. Should someone start taking bets on how long it will him to blame gays and atheists for the tragedy? I'm putting 20 bucks on a week to the day.

why I love Kevin Smith

People wonder why I love Kevin Smith

Well don't. The guy rules. The latest trailer for Clerks 2 tells it all

http://youtube.com/watch?v=xhu_qDdGSNU

His film showed at Cannes and got an 8 minute standing ovation. The guy has been busting his arse making the movies only he can, and all indicators point to this latest effort as being nothing less than everything his die hard fans could want. On a scale of 1 to awesome, Clerks 2 rates super great.

stop me before I hurt myself

I've been tracking The Da Vinci Code's rating on rottentomatoes.com.

If you are unfamiliar with how the website works, it tallies reviews from papers and on-line sources to come up with a composite score to tell people (who like to be told what to think ) how good or bad a small fraction of the population think a movie is. The more favorable reviews a film recieves, the higher the percentage.

For example, The Green Mile recieved a score of 80%. Another Tom Hanks film Castaway recieved and 87%. According to the system those are a couple of good movies.

Right now, The Da Vinci Code rates a 19%. You can take that or leave it. But I do worry over the state of the world when a movie starring Tom Hanks and directed by Ron Howard rates lower than RV (24%).

Another feature this website provides is the "You Might Also Like" section. Here they list films that generally feature the same leading actor as the one being spotlighted. Since the list in this case is obviously a bunch of Tom Hanks movies, I find it amusing that the website suggests that "if you liked The Da Vinci Code, The Road to Perdition might also interest you."

From what I gather, there are people (Opus Dei, etc.) out there who would agree.

hoffa is not in my pants

Why can't this thing go away? Its been what, 30 years? 31?!

I get that a lot of people are caught up in what happened to Jimmy Hoffa but I am to the point where I'm as interested in hearing about where he might be as I am in watching an episode of the Surreal Life with Jose Canseco. So what if he is there? Who cares? Does it even matter if he's still alive? (those last three questions could go either Hoffa or Canseco I suppose)

What is it about big Jim that causes so many of us to feel a desperate need for closure?

I for one feel the on again/off again efforts to find even a trace of Hoffa are not only half-assed and tedious, but a perfect reflection of American society as a whole. Our attention span has grown short and impatient (think for a moment of 250 million Abraham J simpsons and you get where I'm comming from). How it has come to this involves a discussion that I'm not interested in and I certainly don't care for (see what I did there?). But like most things that get us all excited, it is far too late to glean anything from all the hubub that could benefit any of us intellectually or otherwise. If they do find Jimbo, we'll buzz like the pathetic media sheep that we are, then go back to watching TiVo'd episodes of America's Next Top Model.


Or in my case, The Surreal Life with Jose Canseco.


If the Feds really want to find Hoffa, they should probably start looking everywhere. I realize that sounds like a lot of work, but if I've learned anything about being an American these last few years it would be that it is not wrong to waste time, money, or even lives on any endeavor as long as we stick to our guns no matter how wrong we end up being... in the end. If we start today we could complete that task by 3037. It may amount to a colossal waste of time, but at least we'll have found Jimmy Hoffa, and even I have to admit that that will have been more worthwhile than most of the other things we're doing right now.


And then we can focus on problems that truly affect us as people in what I like to call "the actual world."


Questions like: When the fuck is Tom Hanks going to cut his hair?


Seriously, it is really starting to bother me.

true stories from s-mart

The first thing I do after I punch my time card for the soulless retailer that employs my sorry ass, is traverse the sales floor as I make my way back to the receiving dock which is where I actually begin each night of work. It's a treacherous journey considering that the store is often open a whole hour after I arrive, and it would be safe to say that avoiding customers on my way to the back is more than a hobby of mine.

I've actually done a really good job of not interacting with customers for a very long time. The last time I was stopped on the sales floor by someone with a question was before Christmas. It was a couple that was searching for something a family member had registered for--a set of Rubbermaid containers with your choice of blue or red lids.

At one point I actually had dreams of a Cal Ripken type streak of not helping customers. Unfortunately, I have to start all over. Tonight I was approached by a young couple as I was literally feet from once again crossing the floor being the absolute least help possible. They asked me where they might find some folding chairs and before I could take them there, the woman said this:

"I know you hate helping us."

I froze. Could they read my mind? How frightening. But this fear was quickly put to rest.

"I mean, I know how it is. I used to work at Shopko and my husband works and Costco. So we know what its like to have to help someone... what a drag it is."

Never mind the fact that I actually work graveyards so I can avoid contact with the masses of idiots that pour into my store on a daily basis. Ignore for a moment the pain I felt knowing my streak had been broken. Delete from your mind the fact that the item they were looking for was just a few feet away she made that comment...

I stopped to look these people in the eye as I said "As long as we're clear on that."

I took them the last few steps to the chairs before letting them know where I'd be incase they needed anymore help.

excuse me while I puke

CNN.Com reports that Bill Gates wishes he wasn't so rich.

"I wish I wasn't. There is nothing good that comes out of that," said Gates

That sounds real rough, buddy. Let me be the first to say : BOO FUCKING HOO!