have you met my good friend?

I have always had a very strange regard for MySpace. I will not deny that I do have an account of my own, I will probably not deny that I did it only because a friend of mine did one first, and I will never deny that it serves an important role in my life since it is the primary means by which I am able to stay in touch with certain people who mean a great deal to me.

Besides real friends, I have made “friends” with a handful of celebrities. Some of my celebrity friends—take Kevin Smith for example—are people who actually spend a lot of time on the internet and put a lot of effort into their pages. Others, like the Spinal Tap page, are not as fun as they should be because there is no real interaction going on.

I know that these celebrities aren’t really my friends, but it’s nice to pretend that they are every once in a while... I mean, that is what the internet is all about, right? Pretending?

Every once in a while one of my not-really-my-friends will post something that makes me think that we would be best buds if only given the chance. My latest not-really-my-friend is Darren Aronofsky, and he posted something in his MySpace blog about how procrastination is a part of writing.

I totally agree with that. I have always felt that procrastination and interruption are an integral part of the writing process but it’s not something they tend to teach in college or high school writing classes where all of your assignments have a due date.

It feels good to make a connection like that with someone who I look up to. Not only that, but considering his “educated” attitude towards writing, I can’t help but think Mr. Aronofsky is a guy who would not only purchase but truly appreciate my autobiography: Who is this Noodles person?

If you don’t believe me, check out a sampling from the first chapter…

“…I was born on the heels of the Watergate scandal in the heart of one of the most—Oh look, something shiny!”

So far that’s all I have. I hope you were able to get as much out of it as I put into it. It was a labor of love… Love for shiny, shiny things...

music at work

Each night while we're unloading the truck at S-Mart we listen to one of those radio stations that plays random music as a gimmick, even though they play pretty much the same random music every couple of nights.

One of the songs I hear every time I work is "Super Freak" by Rick James, which is a song I really dig.

Except for the line where he sings "She's a very freaky girl. The kind you don't take home to mother." That line doesn't sit well with me.

Rick James obviously never met my mother.

TV is confusing

Is it me, or is it strange that the new NBC show Friday Night Lights is going to be on Tuesday nights?

NOMAD

Anyone familiar with the whole scandal involving the Borat movie—as sad and hysterical as that is—is likely aware that in an effort to counter the “negative publicity” from Borat, Kazakhstan has made the most expensive movie in their country’s history. It’s called Nomad, and from what I have seen it has potential. If you don’t believe me take a look for yourself, although be warned that this page does play the first few minutes of the film automatically.

http://www.universcinema.com/ww/chfr/film/nomad.html

The film also has an official webpage—a page that plays music once it is all loaded up. You can view the trailer using the second link from the left hand side at the bottom of the page.

http://www.kochevnik-film.ru

The film looks both intriguing and epic, and promises plenty of violence so I’m already on board. I’m really taken by the production values, perhaps because I figured this movie would look lame… I can't say why I expected that, but I swear it is not because I am a huge Borat fan.

I’m 100% behind Borat. This is definitely one of the few movies I am looking forward to seeing this fall along with The Fountain, The Prestige, Tenacious D, and Babel… its looking to be a good season, which will be followed by a way decent winter considering Pan’s Labyrinth is due out before the end of the year and has already earned a nomination for the Mexican equivalent of an Academy Award in the foreign language category. Besides, anyone who doesn’t worship Guillermo Del Toro sucks rhino dick… that happens to be a crime in this and many countries… sucking the rhino dick, not harboring less than warm feelings for Mr. Del Toro although that should be.

But I digress…

I am intrigued that Nomad happens to star, among other American actors, a man named Mark Dacascos. This is the guy who plays “The Chairman” on Iron Chef America. Why do I worry that he will only have a cameo where he appears at some point with his Iron Chefs to announce that today’s secret ingredient is Sacha Baron Cohen’s nuts?

To be fair, Mark Dacascos is an impressive martial artist. The only movie I have seen him in is The Brotherhood of the Wolf, which has such amazing cinematography it will almost make you forget that it was made by a bunch of America hating French.

fall movie preview

I was going to take a moment and present a list of films set to be released this fall but as I looked over my information, there was only one burning question in my mind…

What’s the point?

The only movie worth seeing isn’t due out until next year, so why waste your money on films that will be arguably inferior and ultimately a waste of your time.

The film I speak of - My Name Is Bruce.

Anyone who has been waiting for Evil Dead 4 knows that the possibility of it being made is about as likely as Pat Robertson not being an anti-semite. Sam Raimi would have to run the Spiderman franchise into the ground and then some for there to be any remote chance of another Evil Dead.

My Name Is Bruce is a little film starring legendary B movie actor Bruce Campbell playing... well, Bruce Campbell as he is mistaken for Ash from the Evil Dead movies by the citizens of a town with a real demon problem.

What more do you need?

The film’s cast includes Ted Raimi, and since Bruce is also directing the film, we can be sure that there will be enough classic one-liners and fake shemping to last us for years and years.

My Name Is Bruce is currently in post-production and is set to be released next year.

As a side note to all of this, there are people all over the internet who keep calling this movie They Call Me Bruce which is actually the name of a very silly kung fu movie from the 80’s about a Korean guy who keeps getting mistaken for Bruce Lee. One of the scenes that sticks out in my mind is where he is trying to convince some cops that his nunchucks are his chopsticks. “I’m a big eater,” he says… but its been years since I’ve seen it. There is also a sequel called They STILL Call Me Bruce.

alone and afraid

Even in a “mature” age, I occasionally find myself with misgivings about being alone. A creak, a bump, any sound no matter how insignificantly mundane or ubiquitous can be transformed into something concerning or even shockingly frightening for the tiniest of moments. I freeze in my tracks as adrenaline washes over me… a sensation that passes in the microseconds that span the time it takes my brain to process the experience. I quickly return to a state of ease as I try to ignore that fleeting moment of embarrassment that comes from jumping at the sound of a venetian blind snapping back against an open window in the afternoon breeze.

I like to cook when I’m alone in the house. Not only does it help me relax, but there is something especially gratifying about spending a lot of time preparing and cooking a meal that only you will eat. There are fears that haunt me as I cook by myself. These fears are exponentially more fantastic than those associated with simply being alone. They involve complex narratives that unfold vividly in my mind which is cursed by a hero’s helping of a morbid active imagination, involving atmosphere and characters and occasionally subplots. The most common of these horrific fantasies is most likely a fear that is more common than I like to think.

How many times has this happened to you?

I have spent an evening chopping and prepping a fine bird with shallots, potatoes, and other various accoutrements, and have put it in a perfectly preheated oven. I sit down on the couch to read a book as my meager living space gradually fills with the smells of culinary temptation so splendid that a pathetic wordsmith such as me could never describe them with reasonable justice.

Minutes pass too slowly. The aroma begins to consume my mind from the outside in. Soon it is impossible to concentrate on my reading. It is then that the phone rings. It startles me, waking me from a dream I never want to end. I answer it without hesitation.

“Hello?”

Nothing is my answer. Again, I say “hello?”

Then I hear it. The whispering desperate voice that causes my heart to pound even before I hear all the words it articulates “have you checked the chicken?!”

I just hope the call isn’t coming from inside my own house…

Mr Blunderson is a regular contributor to absolutely nothing… not even his own blog.

this was bound to happen

CNN.COM reports that a body has washed up near where a crew was shooting a scene for CSI: Miami. I guess that is a little irony... kind of like if the Friends cast went and hung out at a coffe shop between takes, or if someone got a parking ticket outside the Law & Order set.

According to the article, this is not the first time this has happend near or at a CSI set. No surprise there I suppose... there must be 8 thousand different CSI spinoffs. Something bad is bound to happen near one of them. That's just the law of averages right there.

oh hello Mr. Clooney

CNN.COM headline from the entertainment section - "Clooney, Nobel winner demand Darfur action." Will someone tell me what is entertaining about that?

I suppose it might be a well placed story considering that PEOPLE magazine readers could probably take a break from the "usual" and get a taste of what’s going on in the world. Perhaps they will realize there are greater tragedies than missing the latest gossip on Brittney and Kevin or even just George Clooney.

My concern is that this is going to turn me off to reading entertainment news. It's where I go to find stories that will not challenge me, and certainly not be a considered a "downer." Whatever you may think of Mr. Clooney or celebrities who are "getting involved" this story seems like real news to me, and should be grouped thusly. This whole thing reeks of a "you got chocolate in my peanut butter" type situation without the delicious results.

In some REAL entertainment news, I see that Ashton Kutcher is in a movie with Kevin Costner called The Guardian. Apparently, one plays a young man who joins the coast guard to fill a void in his life and is taken under the wing of a gritty hardened yet renowned rescue swimmer, and I can’t wait to find out who plays what.

I also want to know which one will be the “port in the storm” and which will be the “line in the sand.” And I can’t help but wonder if and when this movie bombs at the box office if Kevin Costner won’t jump into Ashton’s face suddenly and shout “I punk’d you BEEOTCH!”

In the real world, I’ve recently been getting really tired of comments made by some of my co-workers at the soulless retailer concerning other employees who they think are beneath them. It’s getting to the point where I might choke on the smug, and that pisses me off. Let me let you in on a little secret: Even if you are better than everyone else at S-Mart, you are still only the best at S-Mart and that doesn’t mean shit.

adventures in sleep deprivation

you know that you are not getting enough sleep when you try to put these on -

but then you realize you have actually put on this -

at least there were only about 15 people who witnessed this...

did the circus ever not suck?

Maybe I haven’t given the circus enough of a chance, perhaps I am too dense to grasp the finer nuances but in my limited experience I can tell you I truly believe the circus sucks massive ass.

And by circus I mean all circuses.

My first experience with anything circus related was the movie Dumbo. What I learned from Dumbo is that most circus animals are dicks. I may have been a little sensitive to the treatment the little elephant got in the early portion of that film since I grew up short, or perhaps I’m projecting all over the place... All of that aside, I can't with a clear conscience support animals that are dicks.

Also as a wee lad I recall watching Circus of the Stars with my family on that one special Sunday every year. Even though I was young I was well aware that it was a total crap fest. The obvious appeal of the show was the possibility of disaster. I was always hoping someone got mauled, but a fall from a tight rope or similar circus apparatus would have been equally satisfying. Although it may have been sad to lose one of our precious celebrities, it's not like they are hard to find. I can't think of a single person I would have felt too bad for if they had messed up even a little… except for Eric Estrada. He was fucking okay in my book.

My first time going to an actual live circus was while I was in grade school. Barnum & Bailey made a stop at what was then the Salt Palace, that lovely hat-box of a building that no longer graces the Salt Lake City skyline. It was pretty amazing, but a 3 ring circus of that magnitude can only exacerbate ADD. It certainly did mine and I don't even have ADD. The biggest problem with the show was spectacle or not, the damn thing went on and on and on for so long that the “ooh and ah” factor gave way to the “can we go the hell home?” mindset well before it should have. I was a kid under the age of ten at the time and kids never want to leave anything, except maybe vaccinations.

Twice in my high school years I stopped and ate at the Circus Circus buffet. I really wish I could tell you that one of those occasions was not a marching band trip, I really do. And I know this isn’t a real circus or remotely related to an actual circus, but I would like to put in my seven cents regarding buffets anywhere. What is the big deal? What is so great about food that’s been picked over by everyone in the line in front of me. What is so appetizing about looking at steaming trays of so-called food through the windows still clouded by the breath of the people that were standing there just moments before. And do you really expect me to believe that I’m getting some crazy good deal on the food when technically I’m doing most of the work?

But I digress.

A summer or two ago a Circus who’s name I can not remember came sweeping through town. They had a big tent, they had ponies and tigers, and the kids got in free. The adult prices were enough to send us into the poorer house but they didn’t post that information until we were so close to the show that our children were frothing at the mouth for camel and tight rope related entertainment. In other words, we were pretty much fucked.

We forked over the cash and found some seats in the tent… which was only about 8 Beellion degrees inside. I may have lost 10 pounds just sitting through that show—which was perhaps the most lame form of entertainment that I had paid to witness since I shelled out six bucks to “feel the earth shake” on fisherman’s wharf back in 1989 (that will teach me to sit on some strangers lap).

Like the Barnum & Baily Circus, this show was way too long and this time it had the added bonus of being exponentially less spectacular than the B & B show I had seen in my youth. There was a magic act that disturbed the children (involving a burned corpse gag), there was the highly touted white bengal tiger (the poster for the show said “tigers” but it is the circus and humbug should be expected) that was in the arena for 57 seconds and did nothing but sit on a stool and wave its paw before being ushered back to it's holding area. “Wild animal spectacular” my ass.

Don’t even get me started on the clowns. The clowns seemed to be putting in a less than half-hearted effort, resulting in not being funny or entertaining at all… but that may have been because I was suffering from heat stroke at the time. I do remember every few minutes a clown was trying to sell me something. That is what annoyed me the most. It was like being put on the top of the “please call me” list for telemarketers.

All in all there were a few impressive moments, but not enough to overcome the heat and how long and how lame the damn show was.

I should at least give the circus… people… props as I realize they scrape out their living by putting their lives on the line for cash and admiration. I have no idea what kind of bank they pull in but I can make a few guesses since I never once saw the inside of a circus performers house on “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.” Come to think of it, I don’t think I even saw the outside of a circus performers house on that show.

Oh who am I kidding? I never watched that show. In those days I was too busy trying to get a peek at the Solid Gold dancers, and I couldn’t even watch them at my house if my mom happened to be home.

What is my point? The point is that I am bitter because even though I am a lowly peon for a soulless retailer there isn’t a day that I work where I don’t put my life on the line for the cash and admiration… (except for the cash—its not the worlds best paying job—and since I work graveyards while the store is closed there isn’t really anyone who can admire what I do) but still, you don’t see anyone giving me a big parade when I roll into to town.

Shit, I’d settle for a thank you note.

Update - I forgot to mention that a Google search of George Bush and Circus gave me more than 3 Meellion results. George Bush and fucking clown only came up with 6. Who would have thought?