fist names

Inspired by this week's episode of 30 Rock, I gave my fists names.

If you have a problem with that you'll have to tell it to The Captain and Tennille.

blog city licks balls

I have had a blog at blog city for 2 years but they no longer offer a free blog service so they are giving all the free loaders the boot. I had already started moving things over here but it's been a slow process, now I have some real motivation.

I'm not too crushed, their free service really does lick balls.

somebody stop this guy

Now that Dimension Films has hired the director of SAW III to helm their remake of Scanners (a thought by itself that makes my brain want to explode), it seems that everything will be remade eventually. Only appropriate then that my good pal Nick Cage is talking about being Seth Brundle in The Fly, another Cronenberg classic. I can't find any evidence that this is any more than just talk, but didn't Cage learn anything from the last horror classic he desecrated ( Mr. Niel "Bitch-Pants" LaBute will get his later) and pissed on? Doesn't Mr. Cage realize that if he was an ice cream flavor he'd be pralines and shitty actor?

Edit (Mar 2, 07) - According to David Cronenberg the remake is in devolopement and Cage is vying for the part. Cronenberg is not involved in the project.

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Lost was on it's way out with me until Cheech Marin and the worst wig he's ever worn showed up. It didn't hurt that last night's episode (Tricia Tanaka is Dead) was the best episode I've seen in recent weeks. The show really needs to lighten up, and being Hurley-centric helped this hour pass by without me being overcome by the same feeling I had back when the X-Files started to suck. One episode can't save a show, but it was enought to make me Lost's bitch for one more week.

* * *

I've been making a list of responses to the "you're short" remark, which is often the first thing people say when they meet me. My favorite so far is "Yes, ideed I am short. So short that I can not only take Dr. Ruth's sex advice but I can bone her standing up."

Note to my brother: Did you make the face? That's all I need to to know.

true story

At the grocery store I saw two people exchanging phone numbers, but one of them gave the other a puzzled look after glancing at the number they received.

first woman - What is this?

second woman - my phone number.

first woman - uh... how is that?

second woman - (pointing to the paper) oh, well, that's a capital 8.

That was the conversation, I kid you not. I did not see the paper with the actual number, but in my head it looks something like this:

*25-7756

Call Me!

That would be the scenario that leaves me feeling the most smug anyway.

Take your stinking claws off my car you damned dirty robot!

In the news today I read about a parking garage in NYC that uses Robots to tuck your car into a small space under an apartment building. No thanks. I think I'll take my chances with human valets where there is less chance my car will be dropped. That's right, dropped. And why is it that we live in a world where robots can park cars but those coffee vending machines still suck ass?

hi there

sorry for the lack of updates as of late, I am still around, still really sarcastic, and cynical as ever. I am also in the process of moving my blog to a new location, something that is taking much more time and effort than I imagined.

thanks for stopping by, I'm only sorry I couldn't make it worth your while.

oh hell yes

Good times ahead with killer sheep ! Need I say more?

Edit - Anyone happen to recall this entry? I've been waiting for this movie for a long time.

can not wait

Until there is a trailer for My Name is Bruce, there isn't really anything I want to see more than this movie right here. I dig the subtle references to Shaun on the Dead, and I support cloning in the case of Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg on the basis that they could make more movies that way.

If you are looking forward to Reno 911: Miami, please consider this film, also due out early next year that was written by Ben Garant (Dep. Travis Junior) and Thomas Lennon (Lt. Jim Dangle). I think they should charge people to read the premise of Balls of Fury, since alone it is worth the price of admission as far as I am concerned...

Down-and-out former professional ping-pong phenom, Randy Daytona (Dan Fogler), is sucked into the world of underground Ping-Pong tournaments when FBI Agent Rodriguez (George Lopez) recruits him for a secret mission. Randy is determined to bounce back and win, and to smoke out his father's killer--arch-fiend Feng (Christopher Walken).

The trailer for this fine film is just a few mouse clicks away.

Update: I had to open my big mouth, didn't I? Both movies have been pushed back until April 2007 release dates. DAMMIT!

stuff we just don't need anymore

I'm really tired of people saying "Look at me! I'm going to have my cake and eat it too!" right before they actually take a bite of cake. Last I checked there was literally one guy who has not heard or made this joke. His name is Zagreb Dimiskrikov, he lives on the northern tip of lake Baikal, and there are days I wish I could be that guy.

I'm also tired of people who are constantly bagging on organized religion. Enough already. I personally like that there are organized religions as it makes it so much easier for me to identify blowhards from a distance.

Blogs that suck need to be deleted. How do you know if you're blog sucks? If you've blogged about the greatest ordeal you've faced in life and it involves putting soft paws on your cat, your vintage corvette, or that article in People magazine that really set you off... well, you need to fuck off already.

And there is no place for people who tell a generalized group of other people to "fuck off already." It is unaccaeptable.

Speaking of cats, I miss my cat. We put soft paws on her once...

Utah politics must go. It may have to do with the fact that the town I live in considers the "left" to be only mildly psychotically arch-conservative. Actual liberals like me are considered minions satan. I try to tell people that is only my weekend gig, but I don't think they get the joke.

People who don't get jokes, especially bad jokes by a part-time wise-arse like me.

people who over-use hyphens.

People who use enough ellipsis to make Larry King want to use a comma... or something like that.

You know there is something wrong in the world when you "google" Trans Siberian Railroad and you end up with nearly as many results for the Trans Siberian Orchestra. Excuse me while I vomit. If I'm every interested in listening to filth of that ilk, I'll purchase any one of the billions and billions of Kurt Bestor or Sam Cardon albums that sit collecting dust on the shelves of the Utah used CD stores. I'd much rather support local "grabage."

People who write the word "thanks" with an X have no place in this world. And people who spell "excuse" without the first e.

One more thing that absolutely has to go are people who make lists of all the crap they are tired of instead of putting thought into an actual blog entry.

rip dave cockrum

CNN.com reports that comic book illustrator Dave Cockrum passed away at the age of 63 while wearing his Superman pajamas and covered with his Batman blanket. Friends say he will be cremated while wearing a Green Lantern shirt. No joke here, just a moment of silence for a legend.