really sums it up, right?

me: I kinda want a cat.
my son: alright! Now you're thinking like a man!

Too Lazy to Blog

It is sad when you are too lazy to blog, but even worse when you blog about it.

Is this really better?

Domino's Pizza is pushing their new image like crazy.

Everything is new! Everything is better! You asked for it, you're getting it! The crust is better, our the sauce is improved with a touch of spicy, there's much less gerbil in our meat product!

That does sound lovely but I still have an issue with Domino's and since all their other changes were allegedly based on customer complaints it makes me wonder if I am the only one this bothers but I don't care this needs to be said. What is up with your pizza box????

That's right, the PIZZA BOX still sucks!

Anyone else who delivers me a pizza sends me a box that does two things well. It opens AND shuts. Very handy when you work a graveyard shift and wake up 3 hours after getting to sleep because your neighbor wants to mow his lawn or your neighbors kids want to run around screaming right under your window and you find you need a snack after quelling the urge to strangle someone before going back to bed.

Long story short, half asleep or wide awake, the Domino's Pizza box requires an advanced degree in origami to close once you've opened it. The side pops out or a tab flips up and the prospect of simply closing the pizza box becomes an unruly exercise while holding your slice in one hand dealing with a recycled cardboard nemesis in the other.

We live in the 21st century. We have cell phones and iPads and movies without Pauly Shore. Is it wrong to insist on an actual practical convenience?

AND ANOTHER THING.

The Domino's Pizza box says that their new cheese is "made with 100 percent mozzarella with just a hint of provolone." MADE WITH. You catch that? Their cheese is made with 100 percent mozzarella. So what I want to know is what percent of their cheese is this 100 mozzarella. Is it less than 50 percent? Is it more than one percent?

Yes, the mozzarella they put in their cheese is apparently fine grade Italian, but what the hell??? Why would you go through all the trouble to improve your product if you are going to sow the seeds of doubt right there on the box???

AND FINALLY

Also printed on the box is a tag that guarantees that this is now the best pizza Domino's has ever made. When you think about it, that's really not much of a promise.

Is it?

real conversations

stranger - do you know what time it is?
me - vaguely.
stranger - cool, what time is it?

we don't need new words

The twitter elite, those who manage to attract masses to their constant barrage of drivel and pointlessness in 140 characters or less, are being referred to as the Twitterati.

Seems like a waste of a word since we already have a perfect description for them.




Douche Bags.

another question

Is it really necessary to mow your lawn at 8 in the damn morning?

I need new neighbors.

Questions that need answers

When people visit France, they always wax sentimental about "Gay Paris." Is there even a "Not Gay Paris?"

A friend of mine recently told me about how horrible his day was because some girl came into his place of business (a fast food establishment) and flashed her tits for some free garlic bread. Are you fucking serious? Can I please have your life (well... except for the job part I suppose) where that is considered a low point? Please?

I can't wait till Utah decides that mixing drinks behind a ten foot wall isn't enough. I'm waiting for the day when I order my El Presidente Margarita at Chili's and they bring out my salt-rimmed glass, blue plastic shake brimming with watered down booze, and my isolation booth to drink it in. I'm guessing that happens sooner than later.

Why am I unable to quell my most irrational fears? For instance, I am terrified that someone might find out that I easily watch 2 or 3 hours of programming on E! every week.

Oops.

RV sales not down in Utah

There's an article in the SL tribune today that says that RV sales this year are about the same as last year. What they don't mention is that while last year Utahns were buying RV's for camping, this year they are buying them for living in... not to mention it's nice to have a house on wheels when the bill collectors come looking for you.

the toilet never knew what hit it

This is my new favorite picture of all time.

I promise this isn't my toilet. It's... well, it was a public toilet in a mens room in a Centerville, Utah Carl's Jr. and it didn't even have anything to do with their Jalapeno Burger. This porcelain throne was the victim of a handgun that went off when an armed (this is Utah after all, so many people here are armed) patron was hitching up his pants and the gun went off.

You can read the whole story here.

words I hate

As a pacifist I am obviously never going to do anything violent, but there are moments when I come really, really close. I frequently get the urge to punch people in the teeth when they use certain words that manage to bug the living hell out of me for some unexplained reason. Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's some cosmic force pressing me into some horrible violence in the future... only time will tell. Until then can anyone please explain why these words make me want to choke the people who say them? And it doesn't matter who says them, my best friends, some random douchebag, or my own mom.

To be clear, if you are someone in my little universe that I am so clearly the center of and you say these words, I do not dislike you. Unless of course you suck, but since I don't spend a lot of time talking or even listening to people who suck let me assure you that I don't always hate the messenger (unless you use fancy as a verb) but since my minds eye is unable to visualize violence upon a word I suppose I focus momentarily on the next best thing...

But I digress.

Guesstimate is one of those words. I just hate it. And it's not the portmanteau specifically that bothers me, something about the sound of it simply causes me to bristle. Maybe it is that it sounds so damn dumb to me. Does that make me a pretentious prick? Perhaps... and an aliterative arsehole to boot.

Another one that is starting to gain some popularity is the word frenemy. It sounds like one of those words that was made up by someone trying to be cute and clever. Screw that shit. I can pass on both of those things. I get what it means, but the sound of the word on my eardrums causes indescribable agitation.

Again, I really don't hate every word that was created by jamming two others together. For example, I love brunch and not just the meal but the sound of the word is so damn soothing. I won't deny that my love for that word might be food related.

How about Reganomics? There's a word that doesn't make me want to choke anyone. I am also fairly neutral when it comes to chunnel. But say fugly in my presence and I will murder you in my mind.

Here's something interesting. I don't like the word humanzee, but I don't hate it. On the other hand Slanguage will send me right into a tizzy. The worst kind of tizzy. A worizzy if you will.

Wow, I hate that word too.

I guess I am crazy. No surprise there I suppose.

Is there a pill that will help me? Some snappy comment on my blog from a prominent wiseass?

Anything?