Why I love Lewis Black

Lewis Black says - "Blogging is like masturbating into a mirror and videotaping it so you can watch it later while you are masturbating."






I know this sounds silly but I can't help but wonder if he found my tapes...





I mean, how else would he know?

euthanasia in the blog-o-sphere

City Weekly is a local publication originating north of the UC (that's Utah County for those not familiar with geography in the jello belt) that recently revealed it's list of "Utah's Best," jointly selected by writers AND readers. All I really learned from this list is that people in Utah love FOX 13 news. They love it, love it, love it.

In other words, people in Utah are dumb.

I'm not bagging on the Beehive State, there are dumb people everywhere.

The one category that blew my mind was for "best blogger" and of course Utah's best blogger was Dooce who has a huge following, lots of cute and funny little stories, has won "bloggies" and everything else you would expect.

I hold no ill will toward Dooce, she is a fine blogger. What made my brain pop were the blogs that City Weekly chose as their second and third best. Second is a blog that recaps what happens every day on the X96 morning show. The third was something that kept readers apprised of various happenings and sales in the state, I honestly didn't look at it too closely after I realized it wasn't interesting.

It smells of a cop out of massive proportions. And no, I am not feeling snubbed or anything silly like that. I am simply flabbergasted that this was the best they could come up with.

Luckily, Google's blogger has given me the tools to look into the matter personally. In the last hour I have sifted through all of the blogs (on blogger) from Provo and Springville and have decidedly discovered 3,196 solid candidates for Utah's worst blog. Maybe City Weekly was right after all. If there is something better out there, I will find it. At least I'm starting to narrow it down a bit through the process of elimination.

The search goes on, I'll let you know what I find.

blog confessions

It will be more than obvious to anyone who reads my site that spelling and grammar are pretty low on the totem poll as I prepare and post my blog.

Why is this? I just don't care.

I've been thinking about it over the past day or so and apathy really is the bottom line. Where does it come from? Why is it so pervasive in my blog? After some deep reflection I have come to realize a few things.

Firstly, English is a stupid, stupid language. Polish is way better. Fewer vowels, more diacritical marks, simplified spelling. No silent E’s. How is that possible? In layman’s (also known as “Noodle’s”) terms, each letter (or combination of letters) has one sound and that’s it. It makes spelling a snap.

Secondly, there are people in my family who would find my disregard for the sanctity of grammar and spelling an unanswerable atrocity… There are more English Majors in my extended family than Pennsylvania Dutch in Pennsylvania. If any of them ever get a hold of the URL for my blog, it could possibly put several good folk in the hospital… not really true but it would bug the living hell out of certain people and since I have a wicked mean streak, I can’t deny that I derive a certain amount of pleasure knowing that it would drive them absolutely batters.

Thirdly, I’m really lazy.

But most of all, I just don’t care. I know that I should feel some shame considering my pedigree. I should probably feel guilty about squandering a private education (did I mention that, besides being a crappy speller, I work in retail?). But I don’t.

Right now I have too many important things to worry about. I’m worried that the Cubs will have a crappy season. I worry that Jessica Simpson may have some other sibling that will soon have a reality show. I’m worried that the little paper cut between my finger and fingernail will never heal. I worry that after I throw out all the socks with holes in them I will discover that I really need them.

As you can see I have a plethora of stuff in the queue that’s important and real. So if I misspell a few words or use too many damn commas and… and… and… other shit give me a break… and find me some Neosporin. My finger is killing me! It doesn’t help that my paper cut is on one of my two typing fingers.

In the mean time, I pledge to do a little better…

From time to time.

But only a little.

original comments

Tragigirl - You're beautiful just as you are,.. :) Some of us adore your typing (or anti-type as it were) Just don't stop!

Maiken - Ah, but at least you will admit the truth. The most disappointing thing about us (to the Right Wing Grammarians) is that we were not only raised with good grammar...we are smart and just do not care. What a horrid combination!!

I assume your apathy extends to family parties or hanging out with your cousin and not just her brother-in-law. ;( Now I will have to find a new favorite cousin...any suggestions?

soaring through the blogoshpere

Why is actual news so hard to come by in the so-called information age? I am barely recovering from the all out suffocation of the Terri Schiavo coverage and now all I get is Pope, Pope, and more Pope.

I have nothing against the Pope, I think as far as religious leaders go he was A-okay. My concern is that I might miss out on other current events and news that happens might be important… who knows what sinister plots are unraveling as our attention is drawn—by the media—to the passing of a more than loveable guy who wore a funny hat.

Its times like these I turn to the only place left to get real, pertinent, unfiltered news…

The Blogosphere…

Here is what I learned today in the news…

Oli is a polish blogger who lives in Switzerland. He is currently instructing readers on how to say “Kocham Cię” or “I love you” in multiple languages. The only real news on this page is that the author, known to us a “Cool Oli” is (in his words) “COOL and INTELIGENT!!” He demonstrates this by listing his favorite artists as Brittney Spears and Celine Dion. I was going to comment that I was surprised that Oli didn’t mention the passing of the Pope (he is Polish, as every Pole I have ever met has informed me) but this sly dog updated while I was busy making fun of his blog...

My next stop was at a blog containing reviews of Australian brothels, escort agencies, independent prostitutes, sex forums, pornography, etc… The news here is that there is a blog about Australian brothels, escort agencies, independent prostitutes, sex forums, pornography, etc… and I only found it TODAY???? (in the words of Comic Book Guy – “Oh, I’ve wasted my life.”) This sight also contains sensitive ways on how one might suggest to the woman they love she needs a labiaplasty and laser vaginal rejuvenation… and who says the internet isn’t good for anything?

Elsewhere I learned that a person named Namaste just started a blog. In their (his/her) first and only entry, which briefly chronicles the trials of applying for colleges, they happened to mention that MIT was their fifth choice. Yeah. Their 5^th CHOICE! How cool is that?

I then found a blog by some jerk with the audacity to make fun of other people’s websites and blogs, suggesting a mean-spirited blog rating system and if I ever meet this guy I’m going to punch him in the face. For gods sake the guy uses enough ellipsis to make Larry King blush… oh wait…

Well, that is all the time I have for the news today. I hope you enjoyed your time here. If you have a blog and want me to make fun of it, you can contact me through this site or my e-mail address listed on my profile page. If you have a blog and don’t want me to make fun of it, please don’t read tomorrows update. If you think I suck and want me to die then you need to get in line behind Yale President Richard Levin and quite possibly Cool Oli.

As always, if you didn’t like what you read then go blog yourself.

the nerve

A new reader to my blog wants to know where I get the nerve to be so mean to people on the Internet.

Fact is... I do it because I'm bulletproof. Who can touch me? Nobody has anything on me!

I have yet to meet anyone who has the ammo to take on a thirty-something college washout who works three nights a week at S-mart and also happens to be short and chubby.

Hell, if you got the guns, its not like I'm hard to find.

yet another joker named noodles

Up until a little while ago I actually believed I was the only person named Noodles. Even I can surprise myself with how pathetically naive I can be. Of course, I only go as Noodles online.

In real life I have a painfully normal, regular name. It’s Jeffrey, but I go by Jef. People ask me if that's really how I spell my name and I tell them "why the hell do you care?" or "Yeah, I don't need a lot and I want that F to go to someone who REALLY might need it." Of course the only people who ask me that question are people I work with at S-Mart (the soulless retailer that employs my sorry ass), not exactly a bunch of people waiting for the local MENSA meeting to start… Seriously, these are the same people who forced me to stop wearing t-shirts with funny jokes on the front because I grew tired of waiting for them to read them, moving their lips and sounding out all the words.

Not like I'm some super genius. I can't even spell, and I even went to a private school.

Noodles Blunderson has been my online persona and alter-ego for nearly five years now. I'd been saving up the name for a few years prior to that. I thought I might use it for a character in a short story I have yet to write. Then I found this place called the internet where I could skewer people anonymously, so I put that unused moniker to good use.

There was this restaurant I used to frequent where they always asked if a person wanted noodles or rice (as a side dish, for you MENSA folks). One day I was being asked that question when one particular employee who wasn't helping me at the time recognized me and interrupted saying, "with this guy its ALWAYS noodles." Several weeks later while strolling around town, I bumped into the same guy. He introduced me to his lady friend as if we went way back. "Baby," he said, "this is Noodles."

So at least I have managed to avoid the trapping of giving myself a nick-name because someone actually called me this once. I am pathetic because I flog it like a dead horse. Then again, flogging a dead horse is the second bullet on my resume under "special interests" right after long walks on the beach and right before talking about my feelings. On the other hand, there are only a few people who know me as both Noodles and Jef, and they can all be eliminated with a single phone call.

It is kind of sad when people give themselves their own nick-name. I work with a guy named Mike but he told me to call him Rooster. When I asked him how he got the name he said he gave it to himself. I don't talk to that guy anymore. But I did see him at a reception for the local MENSA chapter. I was standing outside looking in, of course...

I did meet a guy named NOODLE about a year ago who was a friend of a friend. He was a strange cat but he was entertaining as hell when he was drunk—as long as you don’t mind hearing the same stories over and over and over again.

Searching online I haven't found a lot of Noodles, certainly fewer Noodles Blundersons. But to find, one does actually have to look which is not something I've done a lot of. It’s time consuming and not as fun as so many other things on the net. I do know that I once forgot to renew my hotmail account for that name, only to discover a few months later that someone was using it. I should e-mail them someday and say hey. We obviously have one thing in common.

Right after I secured this blog account, I did a Google search for blogs by jokers named Noodles. I found there were already blogs by people named Noodles. I only checked two. One was really lame and one was really boring. I suppose I can't really talk since they had received comments for their blogs and I haven't even gotten a page hit from anyone but myself.

At least I can say that I have the very worst blog by a guy who calls himself Noodles (but only on-line). And being the worst is something I excel at.

adventures of a wanna-be techno-dude... guy... person

What is the strangest thing you have done while waiting for your utilities to be hooked up? Can't be stranger than what I did. When my wife and I bought our house, we made the mistake of having the cable hooked up last. Next time I'll hook up everything in this order - Power, CABLE, gas, phone. Since I had not yet been granted this insight, I was forced to find creative ways to entertain myself.

Power was on and that was it. Since my wife works days and I don't, it was up to me to wait around for the deadbeats who "work" for various companies to show up and hook up. At least they were all coming on the same day. I arrived early with my computer and hooked it up near a window in the front room so I could watch for the jokers that would be showing up as the hours passed.

The only software I had loaded at the time was a program for creating electronic music. So... that is exactly what I did all day. I busted out three complete tracks and started several others. I had no idea what kind of music I was writing, only that I found the experience more than mildly amusing.

That night, my best friend came to pick me up for work. I played him some of the tracks. He laughed in all the right places (I should) mention that I groove to an old school synthesized sound) but when all was said and done he told me that as far as house music goes, this was pretty good. Cool… but what the fuck is “House music?”

He later put some of my songs on a website that features independent artists of all musical genres. One of my songs actually reached #31 on their charts. That’s 31 in downloads and plays... 31 out of several thousand songs in the "House" sub genre. I was 465 out of more than 86,000 electronic songs at one point. The whole thing had me feeling pretty good.

Has this changed my life? Have I signed a phat record contract yet? Have I ever had a chance to do the interviews I've practiced so many times as I was falling asleep? HELL NO.

The only recognition I have really gotten over there (or anywhere except from my best friend) include some shout-outs on my message board from artists who are really only plugging their own… bastards! One is even from one of those geniuses that can’t seem type in anything but all caps. He dude: FUCK OFF WITH THAT SHIT!

I just uploaded the first single from my second album. Three days on the charts and I'm at 204… so far so good. But perhaps I should drop this silly hobby and focus on something worth while, something that will actually make the world a better place and me a better person to inhabit it...

You know, like blogging.