Another True Story from S-Mart

This is an absolutely true story. I know it's true because it happened to me.

A few nights ago day while at S-Mart (the soulless retailer that employs my sorry ass) I was working in an area isolated from nearly everyone else who was working at the time. My little area had a mountain of work to do and I was a bit ornery I had been left to work it on my own, so when I noticed in the corner of my eye someone stocking on the aisle next to me I kept grinding away but felt a great sense of relief.

Some days it's nice to be on my own with just the voices in my head. Other days being alone makes me a little crazy. This might be related to the voices in my head...

But I digress.

As I went about my stocking, I walked past this person a number of times. I didn't say hello or even look at them directly (I was a bit ornery) after a while I started to feel like a dick, so I attempted some small talk but got no response. I craned my head around the aisle to see if I was being ignored or what.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered I had not been chatting up a fellow employee but the step stool I use to reach the higher shelves.

Hell of a day.

nothing to see here

there's a little title company I often pass as I drive about town called the "Provo Abstract Company."

For a long time I've wanted to get a job there just so when people ask me what I do at work I could tell them that much of what I do is unclear and open to interpretation.

Of course, that fits my current job description just fine.

conversation with a... well I'm not really sure

This is an actual conversation (part of a greater conversation that plumbed the depths of absolute absurdity) I had with one of this single most bizarre individuals (BZ)I have met in a very long time.

BZ - So what do you do besides S-Mart?

Me - I'm a stay at home dad.

BZ - Cool. (long pause) So... do you have kids?

Me - uh (pause) yes.

BZ - That's cool. I love kids. I have a kid.

Me - (spoken with that rather frightened hope he's not serious tone) huh.

BZ - No not yet, I don't have any kids yet but I have one on the way.

Me - okay. (moving on, walking away)

BZ - Well... (following me) actually I'm not married so I don't have a kid on the way but since I am
going to have kids I kind've have a kid on the way.

Me - No, actually you don't. Not at all.

BZ - But I'm about to get married.

Me - gee I doubt it.

BZ - I know but I want to so as soon as I ask someone so whenever that is it will be like three months
later.

what do I really think of S-mart?

I get this question a lot since I bag on it here and I don't like talking about it in general, so let me clear it up for everyone.

If I was born in a hole and was retarded I'd think it was the greatest job in the world.

But I wasn't, and I'm not, so I don't.

S-Mart is real!

Holy crap! I alway used S-mart (the retailer that employs the greatest enemy to evil who ever graced the silver screen) as a means to describe my workplace in order to soften any bad-mouthing I may or my not be doing about my actual employer. Tonight, researching some other writing I'm doing, I discovered that S-Mart is actually a chain of stores in Mexico.

I always thought I was just recycling a joke from a really cool movie but now I wonder if anyone who has passed by my blog thinks I really do work in a grocery store in Mexico.

That's just silly...

or is it?

for some reason it makes sense.

For all you day workers who read my blog and have ever thought that your job is killing you, CNN.com reports today that my job really is.

According to the report "...the International Agency for Research on Cancer, the cancer arm of the World Health Organization, will add overnight shift work as a probable carcinogen." The American Cancer Society will likely do the same.

It's not enough that my job is a pain in the ass, it could literally be giving me cancer.

CNN.com told me long ago that people who work graveyards are more likely to have health, social, relationship AND psychological problems, but this feels like a real bonus kick in the shorts.

Working after dark on a regular basis can disrupt a persons biological clock which is problematic since certain natural defenses against cancer are produced at night.

I do have a newsflash for CNN.com: I don't need any more reasons to hate my job.

Film at 11.

thank god it's monday

When you work in retail as I do, at a mega-shopping type deal as I do (Shop Smart, beeotches. Shop S-Mart) you find yourself a lot more popular among certain people when Black Friday is rolling around. Too bad none of those Jerkoffs read my blog, cause then I could save myself a lot of lame-ass conversation...

Jerkoff
So, you guys going to have any big sales on friday?

Me
No, actually I don't even think we're open on that day.

Jerkoff
Really? It's like the biggest shopping day of the year.

Me
I'll pass that along to my boss next time I see him.

Another classic one is where the jerkoff thinks I will give them inside information on the sale...

Jerkoff
So, what are some of the big sale items for black friday?

Me
We'll have a two for one on douche bags, same as every friday.

Jerkoff
That's funny. Seriously, what do you guys have?

Me
If you go straight to the doors in the very back, we'll be selling some
children we saved from a burning orphanage.

Jerkoff
What?!

Me
Sure, you'll be doing them a huge favor. Any that we don't sell will be
shipped to Thailand.

Jerkoff
Why would I want to buy a kid?

Me
Yeah, you're probably better off with the douche bags.
You'll enjoy the company I'm sure.

My absolute favorite is the assumption that I have insider information on other retail chains sales...

Jerkoff
So, you know what any of the other stores are going to have this year?

Me
Are you retarded? Cause I saw you driving before in a van with your
kids in it, but now I think you shouldn't risk putting your children in
danger. Excuse me while I make a few calls.

I know it's a little late to stop anyone from bugging the shit out of me this year since that week has passed but please spread the word: If you know someone who works in retail and you are about to ask them about Black Friday, try instead something they might give a shit about, like a conversation about the weather or your last bowel movement.

And you wonder why I'm going to start telling people who ask that I'm a professional pornographer.

My Halloween Costume

We're not supposed to dress up for work at the soulless retailer, but tonight I'm going in costume as someone who could give a shit.

two jerks is two too many

Twice in the last week I've been at 7-11 while a police officer was in there trying to get something for free or at least at a discount. That's about the jerkiest thing a person can do, if you ask me. When you take into account the neighborhood this particular store is in it's even more disgusting considering any cop that walks into that place makes more than the average patron. Perhaps I'd feel different if I spent more time flaunting the power I have in my own job to get free shit.

"What? I gotta pay for this donut?! You really gonna make me do that? FINE! But the next time you go to S-Mart to buy your kid an athletic supporter off the peg that says 'large' but when you get home you realize you have a medium don't come cryin' to me."

Yeah bitches. I'm done paying for my donuts.

note to self

When putting away big boxes of laundry detergent or kitty litter on shelves above your head ALWAYS keep your mouth shut. Tide or Fresh Step plus Mint Orbit gum is the opposite of yummy. Lets just say they make the worst kind of "flavor crystals."

Work Policies

We have a strict rule at S-Mart that you can't be romantically involved (if you know what I mean) with anyone you work with, which is why I can no longer in clear conscience work with my hands.

like I said...

When I picked up my most recent check at S-Mart the place was in ruins. That guy Ash in Housewares had blasted everything to hell protecting the store's only living hottie from what he referred to as a "deadite." I don't care if he is a badass with his chainsaw/hand and superlative one-liners, I think if they are going to promote the guy, they should do it on the basis of character and customer service skills (where he is woefully underwhelming).

But I digress...

I pick up my paycheck and attached was a card for my five year anniversary at S-mart signed by my superiors. Included was a little certificate that allows me to select from four gifts online. If you have been following my blog over the years, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

All I ever wanted was a thanks, and that's it. I appreciate the gesture but the last thing I need is a mass produced corporate card signed by people who don't know me paper clipped to my paycheck. When I say S-Mart is a soulless retailer it's supposed to be tongue in cheek.

It's just like them to wreck the joke by actually making it true.

5 Years

I passed my 5 year anniversary at S-Mart without so much as a damn word. I don't need a medal or anything like that but a "thanks" would go a hell of a long way.


I'm starting to feel invisible there.

whens gonna be my time?

We have a bird problem at S-Mart and the solution involves a dude with a glorified version of a pellet gun stalking around our stockroom waiting for a chance to put the sad little buggers out of their misery. The first night he only got one, so I suggested that he build a blind on the "the steel" (giant shelves made to hold entire pallets of stuff) and cover himself in bird pee. I don't think the advice went over well since the next night he came back with a buddy instead. Two is better than one, right?

If there is a silver lining here, it is that S-Mart has finally gotten around to putting suffering creatures down. I figure its only a matter of time now before bb gun guy comes for me.

what's that like?

When people find out that I work graveyards, one of the first questions they ask is "graveyards? What’s that like?" Sadly, I have no snappy sarcastic one-liner answer other than "it's Dyn-O-mite!"

I have found that explaining working nights is kind of like explaining what went wrong in The Matrix trilogy. You kind of have to see it with your own eyes to understand what’s going down...

Lets see... you know that feeling you get at the end of your work day? You're just so relieved that work is over and you want to make the most of that burst of post work energy by getting out and doing something fun with your friends? Well we get that too, only when we get off work the only places that are open are Denny's and Wal-Mart.

Similar is that feeling at the end of the work week where you want enjoy a cold one and thank bob its Friday... Try explaining to your wife (or your AA group) that even though you are cracking open a beer at 5:30 in the AM you do not have a drinking problem.

I know that people who work graveyards tend to have more physical and emotional and relationship problems in general. I read that on CNN.com a couple of years ago so it must be true. I remember telling my colleagues about the facts and figures. There were some that actually laughed at me and my crazy statistics. Several months later I had a heart attack at work. Who's laughing now?

Every work environment is going to be unique, and mine is no different. Working at a soulless retailer we "overnighters" find an intense amount of friction between ourselves and the group of people who work during days. They work with the customers; we do all the filthy, sweaty, manual labor. Everyone who works days thinks the night people are a bunch of uneducated, lazy thugs who hang out at the store all night doing nothing, and will steal things out of your locker. Everyone who works nights thinks the day people are pretentiously pretty, annoying, idiots who never do their jobs and don't have anything decent to steal in a locker anyway.

When our paths cross, the tension is palpable. We're always on the verge of breaking out into a scene from Westside Story, with the finger snapping, and rolled up sleeves, and the Leonard Bernstein music... "when you're a Jet you're a Jet to the end..."

On a tangent - I once saw a comedian who talked about his friends learning to fight by watching Bruce Lee movies, lamenting the fact that he always got his ass kicked because he learned to fight by watching Westside Story.

Back on track - Since I can't really tell you what its like to work graveyards (you have to do it to know it) I will at least provide you with a few of the differences between the day and the night crews at my own place of employment.

· Someone who works nights is 8 times as likely to have killed a guy with their bare hands, while someone who works days is 867% more likely to own seasons 1 & 2 of The OC on DVD.

· Someone who works nights is 3 times as likely to be in the process of recording their own hip hop (or techno) CD, while someone on the day team is 87% more likely to utter the phrase "I can't think of it getting any better than when Michael Bolton sings When a man Loves a Woman."

· A person who work nights is 8,000 times more likely to be referred to as Sir or Ma'am by our boss, while someone on the day crew will try to tell you that the plural of Stylus is Status.

Does that paint a clear enough picture? On the whole, most of us on the graveyards are pretty average, normal people. A lot of us are in situations that necessitate an overnight schedule... and there are probably more women then men. For whatever reason, people assume that we're all a bunch of tough guys with prison tattoos and tattered levis waiting to hear from our probation officer about that better job opportunity while we pass the time putting out our cigarettes on kittens.... But that is just one guy, and he doesn't really work there anymore. Management is just too nervous to tell him he's fired so he keeps coming in.

YIKES

Do you know what a stylus is? For those who don't know, it's that pen-like doohickey you use to write on the screen of your palm pilot.

I was putting some away tonight while working in the electronics department of the soulless retailer that employs my sorry ass. Actually, I was putting away a three pack but the package still said STYLUS. So I wondered if the plural for Stylus was STYLI or if you say STYLUS whether you have one or twenty-seven thousand.

I asked my best friend what he thought and though he did not know he speculated on the possibilities briefly before being interrupted by another employee. We had never seen this guy before, but that isn't so strange since he works a completely different shift than us. He interrupted my friend saying " it's status.... statuses... status..." He spent the next several minutes wandering around the department muttering the word status over and over.

It was a little disturbing... enough so that for all intents and purposes it may have been the most disturbing thing I've witnessed in days.

One thing about this story that kind of bums me out is that this is the kind of thing I could ask my brother. Most likely he would know the answer... if he didn't he would discover it quickly enough, only to explain it back in a way that makes even the most mundane interesting.

My bro is great at explaining anything and everything. And since he has such broad interests (Bordeaux to Broadway) he's very easy to listen to...

France is so lucky.

work stuff

The soulless retailer that employs my sorry ass sells two types of Mead Composition notebooks. There are "regular" where the wannabe Jackson Pollock cover is black, and there are "colored" which come in purple, red, yellow and green.

They sit side by side on the rack. One label (for the black notebooks) reads "mead composition book," while the other reads "colored mead composition book."

Lately I've noticed on nights when I don't work, people have been stacking the black notebooks in the space labeled "colored."

Should this bother me?

breaktime conversation

I was sitting with my friends at work one night during our 15 minute break, discussing (brace yourself!) some of the less than favorable aspects of our employment. The conversation was dominated for the most part by one woman who was talking very loud, using the word "specifically" more than she really had to.

But she wasn't saying "specifically." She was actually saying "pacifically."

One of us asked her if she was "... sure she wasn't speaking atlantically?"

She didn't get it.

best work thing ever

This was part of an actual conversation I had with my boss last night

boss: At least I sort of listen to you

me: Uh... Thanks

i am out of control

You know things are bad when the first thing that comes rolling through your mind when you see or hear anything is - I gots to put that in my blog! In case you couldn't tell, this is one of those moments.

Last night I couldn't sleep I was checking out some latenight TV and I see that VH1 is playing 8 Mile. The only thing this does for me is make me want to go out and buy or rent the actual DVD, since the VH1 edit is practically incoherent. They have to bleep out so much dialogue that it could drive you to the point of madness. And forget about it when they start the battle, unless you have seen them enough to pull a naratim verbatim, you will find yourself quite lost.

If the point of putting 8 Mile on VH1 was to sell a few mor copies then MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. I can tell you that they will more than likely get my 12 bucks.

I also hate to see Comedy Central versions of Kevin Smith films. Just plain silly is what that is. I can at least appreciate that they do the "Secret Stash" where they show the films unedited... I suppose they sort of get it.

As a society, we have to come to realize that some films were not made for TV audiences. That is not a bad thing, but it is just the way it is. If a movie is going to revel in violence, sex, or vile language... putting it on the tube will destroy any soul or vision that particular film has.

* * *

A note about work - I went in for my yearly review at work the other day. It's my third such review. I wasn't too worried going in until the first thing they told me was "yeah, we heard about your website."

Oops!