Speaking of the Spice Girls...

America is getting dumber, I can not deny that. It does warm my heart to see that I'm not the only one that doesn't give a shit about David Beckham and his former Spice Girl wife. A reality show about their arrival here in the States was watched by fewer people than watched a repeat of Wife Swap.

In the war against this nation's burgeoning stupidity it's not a victory per se, but every little bit counts.


entry notes
In case my brother is curious how much I just don't care about these two human beings (and as far as I'm concerned they barely qualify that characterization) I put them right up there next to your recent estimation of Larry King.

If other readers are curious as to what that means exactly, let's say for now that it is not good.

One final note, anything in italics on this blog should be read in the voice of John C. Mcginley as Dr. Cox from Scrubs unless otherwise noted.

Why I don't talk much about Utah Politicians

According to Mark Shurtleff, a sure fire way to instantly turn a girl into your girlfriend is to watch the movie Camelot with her. "That's a promise from the attorney general. ... It's a chick flick but there's sword fighting and jousting, too."

Thanks Mark, you make me so proud.

Why would I even bother?

You can click here if you think I am making this up.

The Utah County Republicans closed their convention debating Satan's influence on illegal immigrants. Don Larsen, chairman of legislative District 65 for the Utah County Republican Party and a guy who will clearly get my vote for "World's Biggest Douchebag," submitted a resolution warning that Satan's minions want to eliminate national borders and do away with sovereignty.

In a speech at the convention, Larsen told those gathered that illegal immigrants "hate American people" and "are determined to destroy this country, and there is nothing they won't do."

Illegal aliens are in control of the media, and working in tandem with Democrats, are trying to "destroy Christian America" and replace it with "a godless new world order -- and that is not extremism, that is fact," Larsen said.

At the end of his speech, Larsen began to cry, saying illegal immigrants were trying to bring about the destruction of the U.S. "by self invasion."

The hero (a term I use drenched in sarcasm) of the moment has to be Senator Howard Stephenson (R-Draper) who opposes the resolution and who communicated that Larsen was embarrassing the Republican Party

"I agree with 95 percent of this resolution but it has some language that is divisive and not inspiring other people to its vision," he said. "This only gives fodder to the liberal media to give negative attention to the Republican Party."

Ya think?!

All quotes come from the Daily Herald (harktheherald.com)

I do NOT get it

CNN.com has an article that dares speculate "who will replace Howard Stern?" Although there is a small list of people who could be the next big thing on the radio, it is quite possible that there will never be another Howard Stern.

Boo fuckin who

I never understood anything about Stern. The guy is not funny. He's not interesting. Oooh he has naked women on the radio. That’s real exciting entertainment if you have never heard of... oh yeah, the internet. If anything he's just proved how dull and stupid strippers and porn stars are and no wonder they don't get paid to talk...

What other amazing marvels can you reveal, Howard?

I for one won't miss Howard Stern. His sidekick Artie--I don't know his last name--has never said a funny thing in his whole life. He couldn’t be funny if had a damn joke book glued to his hand.

Good riddance to both of you.

While I'm at it, other people who need to disappear are Adam Carolla, Jimmy Kimmel, and that bitch Joe Rogan. These guys are so unfunny it hurts.

There are plenty of comics out there who are genuinely funny that will never have their own Comedy Central talk show. Its a crime against all comics who bust their asses that dullard half-wits such as these are paraded about as "entertainers' and offered to the public as someone worth even a second of what little time we have on this earth.

Of course, leave it to the American public to love each and everyone of these lame-ass dipshits, tuning in right after they get done watching The OC.

If you really need to morn anything or anyone in the entertainment industry, shed a tear that Jim Cameron isn’t making any more movies with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Cry that Rocky VI or King Conan isn’t in production right now. Then throw a rock through the window at Warner Brothers Studios for sitting on Darren Aronofsky’s The Fountain. Release it! PLEASE!

I’m sorry you suits are too stupid to get it. You assholes have no shame in shoving shit like The Dukes of Hazzard upon the masses, but you won’t take a chance on what could potentially be the most interesting and thought provoking film released this year????

Those guys will never listen to me. They’re too busy rolling naked in their Harry Potter cash piles to listen to my tiny voice.

I tried to keep quiet on this

I really have tried to keep my mouth shut about this.

I've tried to do my own thing and not let the actions of others ruin my whole shopping experience... but I can't go another day without bitching about people who can't properly navigate a damn parking lot.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS FOLLOW THE FUCKING ARROWS!

You don't even have to read, you barely have to think. Just follow the pretty pictures on the ground. If you are too stupid to do that, then I'd hate to see you try to figure out something really difficult... like CANDYLAND!

And yes, I do get that some people are just inconsiderate assholes. But they are stupid too.

YIKES

Do you know what a stylus is? For those who don't know, it's that pen-like doohickey you use to write on the screen of your palm pilot.

I was putting some away tonight while working in the electronics department of the soulless retailer that employs my sorry ass. Actually, I was putting away a three pack but the package still said STYLUS. So I wondered if the plural for Stylus was STYLI or if you say STYLUS whether you have one or twenty-seven thousand.

I asked my best friend what he thought and though he did not know he speculated on the possibilities briefly before being interrupted by another employee. We had never seen this guy before, but that isn't so strange since he works a completely different shift than us. He interrupted my friend saying " it's status.... statuses... status..." He spent the next several minutes wandering around the department muttering the word status over and over.

It was a little disturbing... enough so that for all intents and purposes it may have been the most disturbing thing I've witnessed in days.

One thing about this story that kind of bums me out is that this is the kind of thing I could ask my brother. Most likely he would know the answer... if he didn't he would discover it quickly enough, only to explain it back in a way that makes even the most mundane interesting.

My bro is great at explaining anything and everything. And since he has such broad interests (Bordeaux to Broadway) he's very easy to listen to...

France is so lucky.

can you hear me screaming?

Anyone who reads my blog knows how much Hollywood remakes bug the living shit out of me. This morning, I am LIVID as all get out. WHY? Because the uberhack is going to destroy a truly great film.

I'm talking about The Birds, the classic by Alfred Hitchcock. This is a film so chilling and so well executed that people who haven't even seen the movie get creeped out in the proximity of birds... because they know of this movie about birds attacking people...

The Hollywood Reporter confirms that Mr. Bay's production company is negotiating to produce a remake or "new version"... If the people at Universal (who own the rights to the movie and the short story on which it was based) have any decency at all they will tell Michael Bay to go back to the hell whence he came right before they drive a wooden stake through his cold black heart.

The sad truth is that I can bitch about how blasphemous these remakes are, and what horrible films they are, and call Michael Bay the "uberhack" until yaks learn to spell, but it won't change the fact that these films are making money. Lots and lots of money.

This only strengthens my theory that people in the USA are getting stupider every day. If I wasn't so cynical, I'd say it was something in the water, but that sort of problem would have an obvious solution.

People like the uberhack simply exploit this stupidity and make millions of dollars off the dummies. Yea Capitalism! Its the American Way--the ONLY way, if you will.

A brief note - I do not mean to imply that everyone should be smart like me... I'm not that smart. I do advocate not being dumber than me. People who are dumber than me are scary and they should scare you too. There seem to be more and more of them everyday. One dies and three take its place. This is an issue that has to be dealt with. Although not on par with say literacy, health care or gay rights, I think eliminating the dumbness will put us in a better position to deal with the real problems in our country and ultimately our world.

original comments
yo bro - The sad thing is that one from the growing group of people dumber than you is actually RUNNING THIS COUNTRY! And believe me...I *am* scared!!

Tragicgrrl - They're going to re-make the birds? UGH! They cannot give the creepiness justice! Any movie can't! I have read it a zillion times, it creeps me out horrendously! Once, about my 5th re-read, (1st as an adult)I was JUST at the point where the damn birds try to divebomb him as he's trying to get back to the house & a HUGE seagull bombed & screamed past the window that was RIGHT by my elbow! I dropped my coffee cup, dropped the book & jumped about 5' back from the window, I had to call my best friend to calm down,..I get waaay too into my books! The films make me giggle.

the price for watching/reading the "news"

Yesterday I saw “news” reporting Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are no longer talking. This was really exciting until I discovered that they are only not talking to each other.

CNN.Com is reporting that scientists have finally solved the mystery of unpopped popcorn… I didn’t think I’d see it in my lifetime! Oh the marvels of science, will they never cease?

The bad news is they only have discovered why certain kernels don’t pop. They have yet to develop a way to eliminate the “old maids” all together… Perhaps my children will live to see that wonder…

i'm moving to mars

If I lived on Mars there is a good chance I would never ever hear the words "breaking News" followed by "Brittney Spears..."

i'm so confused

I was watching a documentary on the making of The Amityville Horror remake, where everyone involved--actors, writers, director, grips, Kraft Services personel--were touting that this was the scariest movie ever.

And every one of these quotes, coming at two minute intervals through the entire half-hour, included the words "its so scary cause its ALL true!"

I also loved this one - "frame by frame, everything you see really happened."

Or, "it's scary cause every single thing you see is REAL! It really happened!"

For those of you who don't know, this is a remake of a classic 70's horror flick of the same name. The plot breakdown of this new version (not the original, mind you) is this: a haunted house with a chilling past drives a father to insanity. Horror ensues as he tries to off his family.

At the end of the documentary, the director was saying that there were really only two things that they knew for sure. There was a murder in the house before the Lutz family moved in, and 28 days after moving in the Lutz family left the house and vowed never to return.

What?! What happened to frame by frame?! You guys said frame by frame! What about where you said everything in the movie actually happened?

How can everything else be true if those are the only "facts" you have to go from? My head is going to explode.

Please... the only thing frightening about this film is that it was produced by uberhack Michael Bay. I know for a fact that there is a special place in hell for this guy... somewhere between Kurt Bestor and the New Kids on the Block, and not far from John Hughes. Contrary to popular belief, they do not seat alphabetically in hell.

Also scary is that people will buy into the "true story" and pay cash money to see it.

Screw you guys! This is the same production house that said their remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was based on a true story... (me screaming into pillow)

There was a time when the words "based on a true story" meant something!

This "true" story was shown years ago to be one hundred percent crap. Bottom line, if you suddenly find yourself under the crushing weight of a mortgage you can't afford, start telling people your house is haunted. Once the well oiled PR machine is in motion, just sit back and watch the dollars start rolling in.

If you want to put your money toward a good horror movie about a haunted place with a chilling past that drives a father to insanity, where horror ensues as he tries to off his family, go rent the The Shining. It's based on a true story.

Well... not really.

original comments
Yo Bro - Yeah, kinda like how 'The Passion of the Christ' is, frame by frame, faithful (pun most definitely intended) to the Bible...let alone history. (snort!)

You forgot to mention that Mel Gibson, much to his own surprise, will find himself down there in Heaven's boiler room with Bay and friends.

this is funny if you are mean like me

CNN.COM reports that people have started lining up outside of historic Grauman's Chinese Theater for Star Wars Episode III. The release is seven weeks away and as of today they've been there for 5 days. Brilliant! First in line, Baby!

Only problem is that this film will not be showing at this particular theater on opening day. It will be appearing at another venue about a mile away.

With this information you might think they up and moved their line... seven weeks out they still have time get a good spot in the real line.

they are not, however, moving... Let me type that again. THEY ARE NOT MOVING!!! To be fair, there are only 11 people who are not moving, but still... they already got their wookielightsaber, makeshift awning, and their pride... misguided as it may be.

My only hope is they will see a movie no matter what on May 19th. Although I would feel silly sitting through masks, xXx - State of the Union dressed as a Storm Trooper, if you happen to be one of those individuals who can... more power to ya.

when is enough enough?

Producers are hoping to release yet another prequel to Silence of the Lambs next year. Behind the Mask will follow Dr. Lecter as a young lad, depicting his descent into the monster that is is today... did I say monster? Cash cow would be more appropriate.

Follow the money - The first film made 130 meellion. I personally think that was a good movie so I have no problem with that. Hannibal nabbed 165 meellion at the box office. This also happens to be the highest grossing non-Harry Potter "H" film of all time. Red Dragon (the first prequel) made 93 meellion.

Let us not forget that way back in 1986 Lecter made his silver screen debut (played by the great Brian Cox) in little movie directed by Michael Mann. It was called Manhunter and was based on the Red Dragon book by Thomas Harris and it banked less than 10 meellion at theaters, but it happens to be a better movie than anything Bret Ratner will ever make, even if he manages to channel Bergman at some point.

Back to my point, this strikes me a some serious overkill. Too much Hannibal Lecter. This will be the third film released in five years and fifth overall. Hannibal and Red Dragon were not that good. I don't care how they did at the box office, they were lame, lame, lame! Bret Ratner?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARGH!

I'll admit that Dr. Lecter was one of the coolest villains ever, but this horse is d-e-a-d. If you keep beating it the PETA people are going to start screaming louder than the little lambs in Agent Starling's dreams.

I don't have the stomach for another one.

just for today

It fascinates me that the media is able to use its power to get Americans off their lazy asses and doing things. I appreciate that recent news coverage has motivated a staggering number of people to arrange living wills and keep their children sheltered from creepy pop stars, but I wish there was something else going on in the world that could get us all riled up...

It's too damn bad there are no causes out there. Too. Damn. Bad.

more scary stuff

I remembered more things that scare me at work.

Coworkers asking if we had any copies of The Count of Monte "Crisco" while the DVD was on sale for 10 bucks.

During our last back to school season we sold these S-Mart brand glue sticks that came in a two pack. Sadly, many of them never made it to the shelf since the glue that was supposed to hold the packaging together didn't work well... I wonder if they were made with the same glue?

In other news,I am pleased to announce that my dear friend Eyejay is the new president of my fan club. Her first duty as president will be to go kick Yale President Richard Levin's ass.

I used my S-Mart messenger bag last night in a non flaming bag of poop related instance. So far so good.

my oh my

Today was a big day for me. It was Martha Stewart day.

I've recently been avoiding TV news because of this strange notion I had that Ms. Stewart would be so hot after being in prison. Don't get me wrong, this is not an idea that exactly appealed to me.

I finally bit the bullet and risked seeing her on TV. She was standing outside of her greenhouse holding lemons which were the thing she apparently missed most in the big house (yeah, right... snicker, snicker). This was followed by a segment concerning her triumphant return, highlighted by a speech to her employees promoting family values. I've seen enough women in prison movies to understand why she might feel that way... I've seen enough women in prison movies... never mind.

As for that kooky notion... the good news is I couldn't have been more wrong.

* * *

AOL News reported an "explosive day in Jackson trial." To this I say "AOL News, don't EVEN tease me like that! It's not nice. Talk about getting my hopes up.

* * *

My theory that America is getting dumber received even more credibility this weekend when The Pacifier was the top draw at the box office pulling in more than 30 meellion dollars. Is it me or should people who pay money to see this kind of movie be forced to see The Euthanizer? In a truly just society, these sad fools would face a punishment that would be a true deterrent... like being forced to read my lame-ass blog.