this news shocks me

News off the AP wire reports that the oversight body over the internet has approved the creation of a "virtual red-light district"

Too bad we already have a virtual on-line red-light district. It’s called the INTERNET

Also on from the AP:

(AP) -- Swiss and American scientists say they have successfully manipulated subjects in an experiment to take risks they might not otherwise take by giving them a squirt of the hormone oxytocin to stimulate trusting behavior.

Their finding could have beneficial applications in treating mental disorders, but they acknowledge the possibility of abuse.

Abuse? Ya think?

This could be worse than "zombie malaria." Yes... I know I'm stupid.

But on a serious note, this could be worse than date rape drugs. Way worse. You don't have to be unconscious to have sex with someone you trust. I wouldn't be AS concerned if I thought even for a second that the most insidious application of this drug would involve horny men.

Personally I'm more worried about my boss at the soulless retailer getting a hold of it. Just think of what I might do... and for a pay cut to boot.

Religious zealots and politicians could each use such a drug to their benefit. Oh the conversions! The elections!

Worst of all, Michael Bay--the Uberhack himself--could come to my house, pour a little in my next White Russian and goad me into paying full price to sit through his next film The Island and then give it a glowing review on my blog.

Folks, I don't want to alarm you, but this really is a time for hyper-vigilance. I may never sleep again. The fact that this drug is applied in squirt-form (did I fail to mention that?) is another part of what disturbs me here. Behavior modification drugs might be as frightening as nuclear, chemical, AND biological weapons combined. I don’t want you to think I wouldn’t mind incineration, anthrax, or contracting smallpox… no thanks. But to think there is is a potential weapon that could have me punching the ballot for soon to be president Bill Frist on my way from a local Christian fundamentalist BBQ, and before snuggling up to my wife to enjoy a rerun of Temptation Island followed by a special presentation of “Armageddon – The Directors Cut.”

And all the while I would think it was a good idea… I feel violated just thinking about it.

I hope you will understand if I don't update my blog as often while I'm on Michael Bay-watch for the next few years.

Finally, I think I should be the President of the USA. I could do a way better job than that idiot in the White House now. He has only three answers in his entire arsenal. Any question that he is ever asked by anyone will be answered by one of the following, or a variant thereof:

· Being president is hard work

· I have to make difficult decisions

· That is just absurd!

I guess its no mystery why I only have one answer to the question "why do you hate G W Bush?"

· Cause he's a dick.

get to know me

Most of the people who read my blog know me personally. I worry that the few people who know me only from my blog may have a skewed sense of who I really am.

Based solely on the information contained in my blog, this is what you may (or may not) know about me:

• I really, really hate Michael Bay.
• I also dislike Paul Anderson, but don’t hate him like I do the uber hack.
• I refuse to take the time to use an umlaut when I type the word “uber.”
• Sylvester Stallone owes me twenty dollars
• I can’t spell.
• Even though I can’t spell, when I type “meellions” I do it on purpose.
• I make fun of other blogs.
• I never order rice in restaurants.
• I have a fan club. Eyejae is the president. She’s done time.
• I have a long standing feud with Yale President Richard Levine… but he started it.
• Small Claims Attorney Flash Van Shatner will no longer be representing me or any of my close friends in any legal capacity… he is still writing my biography which will be published next fall.
• I’m in a techno band with my computer.
• I work for a soulless retailer.
• My blog contains a plethora of ellipsis…

Is this really me?

Yes, but I want to tell stories anyway. Therefore, I offer revealing insights into me. The following stories are true, taking place while I worked the dream job of Convenience Store Clerk long before anyone knew me as Noodles Blunderson.

Every summer, as most sports organizations do, the Brigham Young University football team prints out meellions of business card sized schedules and places them at various locations throughout the valley.

This particular season BYU featured a number of their star players on one side. As goofy as it sounds, for days we had been fielding questions like “do you have the schedules with so and so on the front?” and so these schedules were a point of contention with all the store clerks.

That year I was at the register when the team member dropped off the cards. I looked at them and vehemently expressed my dismay that the batch we had been given featured “nobody's favorite,” the place kicker.

“Who in the hell is going to want the place kicker?” said I.

Silence was my answer as the lanky kid on the other side of the counter blushed and looked at the floor. He finally started to say something like “I don’t know… someone might want that one…” and I realized I was talking to the guy who was featured on the very card I had just dissed.

Oops.

The good news is that Owen Pochman went on to have a great career at BYU and to this day holds the school record for most career points with 333.

But in the end I was right - nobody wanted a BYU Football schedule with a picture featuring the place kicker. We ended up throwing most of them away.

The other incident occurred not long after a Utah Law was passed requiring stickers be placed on each and every fuel pump that showed how much money went to state and federal taxes out of each gallon purchased.

Nobody who understood what they meant said a word about the stickers. The stupid people on the other hand…

Simply put, they confused the hell out of the stupid people. They were convinced that those “taxes” were going to be added at the register above and beyond the buck twenty-nine they were spending per gallon at the time. As a clerk, I was verbally assaulted several times every day regarding this issue.

I am not going to say people were dumb because they didn’t realize there were state and federal gas taxes included in the price of gas… I can let that one go. These particular assholes actually believed I personally had something to do with all the extra money their gas would be costing them… just because you see me outside changing the sign with gas prices from time to time doesn’t mean I lead the secret cabal that dictates how much Joe Schmoe is going to have to pay at the pump.

As you might imagine, the evening when one well dressed customer asked me and my co-worker what we thought of those stickers we just let loose. We complained about the rage it through into people who didn’t quite get the concept. We bitched about how “glad we were” law makers had nothing better to do with their time and our money. We mentioned that we fantasized punching the people responsible, and that those stickers were nothing but a pain in the ass.

It was then I noticed the check this particular customer had handed me read “Campaign for State Senator…”

Oh shit.

That was when the customer mentioned he was the one who wrote that particular law.

I can't tell you how good this felt. My co-worker and I relished this one for a long time.

As for our Customer, he turned on his heel and started out the door. This was when I played my trump card, and it worked better than I could have dreamed cause it really pissed this guy off...

“Sir, I’m going to need to see some ID with this check.”

original comments
eyejay - Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?

can you hear me screaming?

Anyone who reads my blog knows how much Hollywood remakes bug the living shit out of me. This morning, I am LIVID as all get out. WHY? Because the uberhack is going to destroy a truly great film.

I'm talking about The Birds, the classic by Alfred Hitchcock. This is a film so chilling and so well executed that people who haven't even seen the movie get creeped out in the proximity of birds... because they know of this movie about birds attacking people...

The Hollywood Reporter confirms that Mr. Bay's production company is negotiating to produce a remake or "new version"... If the people at Universal (who own the rights to the movie and the short story on which it was based) have any decency at all they will tell Michael Bay to go back to the hell whence he came right before they drive a wooden stake through his cold black heart.

The sad truth is that I can bitch about how blasphemous these remakes are, and what horrible films they are, and call Michael Bay the "uberhack" until yaks learn to spell, but it won't change the fact that these films are making money. Lots and lots of money.

This only strengthens my theory that people in the USA are getting stupider every day. If I wasn't so cynical, I'd say it was something in the water, but that sort of problem would have an obvious solution.

People like the uberhack simply exploit this stupidity and make millions of dollars off the dummies. Yea Capitalism! Its the American Way--the ONLY way, if you will.

A brief note - I do not mean to imply that everyone should be smart like me... I'm not that smart. I do advocate not being dumber than me. People who are dumber than me are scary and they should scare you too. There seem to be more and more of them everyday. One dies and three take its place. This is an issue that has to be dealt with. Although not on par with say literacy, health care or gay rights, I think eliminating the dumbness will put us in a better position to deal with the real problems in our country and ultimately our world.

original comments
yo bro - The sad thing is that one from the growing group of people dumber than you is actually RUNNING THIS COUNTRY! And believe me...I *am* scared!!

Tragicgrrl - They're going to re-make the birds? UGH! They cannot give the creepiness justice! Any movie can't! I have read it a zillion times, it creeps me out horrendously! Once, about my 5th re-read, (1st as an adult)I was JUST at the point where the damn birds try to divebomb him as he's trying to get back to the house & a HUGE seagull bombed & screamed past the window that was RIGHT by my elbow! I dropped my coffee cup, dropped the book & jumped about 5' back from the window, I had to call my best friend to calm down,..I get waaay too into my books! The films make me giggle.

i'm so confused

I was watching a documentary on the making of The Amityville Horror remake, where everyone involved--actors, writers, director, grips, Kraft Services personel--were touting that this was the scariest movie ever.

And every one of these quotes, coming at two minute intervals through the entire half-hour, included the words "its so scary cause its ALL true!"

I also loved this one - "frame by frame, everything you see really happened."

Or, "it's scary cause every single thing you see is REAL! It really happened!"

For those of you who don't know, this is a remake of a classic 70's horror flick of the same name. The plot breakdown of this new version (not the original, mind you) is this: a haunted house with a chilling past drives a father to insanity. Horror ensues as he tries to off his family.

At the end of the documentary, the director was saying that there were really only two things that they knew for sure. There was a murder in the house before the Lutz family moved in, and 28 days after moving in the Lutz family left the house and vowed never to return.

What?! What happened to frame by frame?! You guys said frame by frame! What about where you said everything in the movie actually happened?

How can everything else be true if those are the only "facts" you have to go from? My head is going to explode.

Please... the only thing frightening about this film is that it was produced by uberhack Michael Bay. I know for a fact that there is a special place in hell for this guy... somewhere between Kurt Bestor and the New Kids on the Block, and not far from John Hughes. Contrary to popular belief, they do not seat alphabetically in hell.

Also scary is that people will buy into the "true story" and pay cash money to see it.

Screw you guys! This is the same production house that said their remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was based on a true story... (me screaming into pillow)

There was a time when the words "based on a true story" meant something!

This "true" story was shown years ago to be one hundred percent crap. Bottom line, if you suddenly find yourself under the crushing weight of a mortgage you can't afford, start telling people your house is haunted. Once the well oiled PR machine is in motion, just sit back and watch the dollars start rolling in.

If you want to put your money toward a good horror movie about a haunted place with a chilling past that drives a father to insanity, where horror ensues as he tries to off his family, go rent the The Shining. It's based on a true story.

Well... not really.

original comments
Yo Bro - Yeah, kinda like how 'The Passion of the Christ' is, frame by frame, faithful (pun most definitely intended) to the Bible...let alone history. (snort!)

You forgot to mention that Mel Gibson, much to his own surprise, will find himself down there in Heaven's boiler room with Bay and friends.

stand back! i'm going to be sick.

Paul Anderson is going to be remaking the cult classic Deathrace 2000.

"The original was so much about decimating pedestrians that the actual race was almost irrelevant, and I want to restore that. Set in 202, ours in an ultra violent, no-holds-barred race with heavily armed Escalades, Ferraris, and Aston Martins" said Anderson.

He's going to restore what to what? If anything this quote is all the proof anyone needs to understand that Paul Anderson missed the point (and yes that was the sound of your sarcasmatron overloading). Let me type that one more time Paul... "YOU MISSED THE FUCKING POINT!" If you want to remake a movie by changing what is essentially the soul of the film, then for the love of god DO NOT CALL IT A REMAKE! Perhaps Mr. Anderson would like to remake The Godfather without all that arcane mobster bullshit. Who gets that shit anyway? Mr. Anderson, do you think you could perhaps remake Platoon and leave out all the depressing "was is hell" crap? It's such a downer.

It sounds (to me at least) as though this guy really, really, REALLY wanted to make Road Warrior IV but the people holding the rights to that material won't let him near it. And God bless em for it.

In my humble opinion, Mr. Anderson should have been killed slowly and painfully after what he did with the Alien VS Predator movie. I should state that I am not bitching about the pg-13 issue (which is a whole other rant entirely) but that it was in fact a piece of shit. So much a piece of shit that I was concerned about getting some horrible disease for only watching it. Mr Anderson, you are a hack and a studio beeotch. Go fuck yourself.

The obvious truth seems to be that there will never be any truly good remakes of any film since only shitty filmmakers appear to be attracted to the process (I'm looking at you Michael Bay)... and they also apparently make Star Wars prequels. Good filmmakers have... what do you call those things? Oh yes, IDEAS.

random crap

Nothing new or interesting today, just some random thoughts...

-After some deep reflection on the subject of Bud Extra I've decided that it may very well be the dumbest idea since Gary Glitter Day Care. And I joke about beating a dead horse! People have been adding booze to their caffeine for ages and they've been doing it way better. If it's not Rum and Coke then it's that old classic "Irish Coffee." If you really need an energy drink with your alcohol, why bother with beer? Be a man and dump some vodka or whiskey in there. Even the sissy drinkers get more than 6.6% alcohol with their sissy schnapps for gods sake! So thanks Budweiser for absolutely nothing (I happen to make a killer vanilla schnapps and Red Bull... Call me!).

-Can you believe MichealMedvedSucks.Com is not a registered domain? That really pisses me off. I'm not sure which of you assholes is responsible for this but I will find you. HEAR THAT?!

-A woman at work said I should be a comedian. I think she should be a career councilor.

-Since when did CNN.COM have a 24 hour basic cable channel? There's no way that's going to last. Who could possibly fill all that time with news? Fox ans MSNBC sure as hell can't.

-Who do you think makes more money with Internet pay sites? Porn or Jesus? Personally I'd put my money on porn, but I hear this Jesus guy might be due for a comeback.

-I don't wear facial hair so I'll look older... It's to cover the acne.

-I saw a commercial for The Notebook hailed as the best love story ever... by Larry King. Are you freaking kidding me?! This is the guy who said you haven't lived until you've seen Jungle2Jungle...

-Speaking of movies, Michael Bay is currently planning a remake of The Hitcher. He's also responsible for producing that blasphemous remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I think if he's really interested in remakes he should leave the classics alone and try improving some really shitty movies... you know, like the ones he made.

-Still in the movies, I should tell you back in the day I arrived at John Wayne International Airport while they were filming Jerry Maguire. It was the scene where the kid was standing on the baggage retrieval giving hi-fives as it went around. I discovered something that day I wish I didn't know. Tom Cruise, box-office powerhouse that he is, is barely taller than I am and in all truth I could probably kick his ass. So When I see him kicking ass in a movie I chortle. Movie magic, as it relates to Mr. Cruise, is dead for me. Oh yeah, and Vanilla Sky was just way too long and pretentious. To be fair, that is something I need to take up with Cameron Crowe another time.

notes - I just noticed--to my horror--that I said some of the money Sly Stallone owes me is from my ticket to see Rocky V. For the record I want to emphatically state that I have never seen that movie. I did pay to see Rocky IV, but I was a child and was bound to make mistakes. I've paid for mine Mr. Stallone... it's time you paid for yours.

Mr. Blunderson will accept compensation via money order, paypal, or even American Express. No checks please.