CNN is reporting that Sylvester Stallone has signed on to reprise his role as boxer Rocky Balboa in a sixth installment of the series. He will write AND direct.
I'm thrilled to hear this. Laugh if you want... hell, you could scoff even. The truth is, this may be the best chance he has to make enough money he can finally pay back that 20 bucks he owes me...
Most of the people who read my blog know me personally. I worry that the few people who know me only from my blog may have a skewed sense of who I really am.
Based solely on the information contained in my blog, this is what you may (or may not) know about me:
Is this really me?
Yes, but I want to tell stories anyway. Therefore, I offer revealing insights into me. The following stories are true, taking place while I worked the dream job of Convenience Store Clerk long before anyone knew me as Noodles Blunderson.
Every summer, as most sports organizations do, the
This particular season BYU featured a number of their star players on one side. As goofy as it sounds, for days we had been fielding questions like “do you have the schedules with so and so on the front?” and so these schedules were a point of contention with all the store clerks.
That year I was at the register when the team member dropped off the cards. I looked at them and vehemently expressed my dismay that the batch we had been given featured “nobody's favorite,” the place kicker.
“Who in the hell is going to want the place kicker?” said I.
Silence was my answer as the lanky kid on the other side of the counter blushed and looked at the floor. He finally started to say something like “I don’t know… someone might want that one…” and I realized I was talking to the guy who was featured on the very card I had just dissed.
Oops.
The good news is that Owen Pochman went on to have a great career at BYU and to this day holds the school record for most career points with 333.
But in the end I was right - nobody wanted a BYU Football schedule with a picture featuring the place kicker. We ended up throwing most of them away.
The other incident occurred not long after a Utah Law was passed requiring stickers be placed on each and every fuel pump that showed how much money went to state and federal taxes out of each gallon purchased.
Nobody who understood what they meant said a word about the stickers. The stupid people on the other hand…
Simply put, they confused the hell out of the stupid people. They were convinced that those “taxes” were going to be added at the register above and beyond the buck twenty-nine they were spending per gallon at the time. As a clerk, I was verbally assaulted several times every day regarding this issue.
I am not going to say people were dumb because they didn’t realize there were state and federal gas taxes included in the price of gas… I can let that one go. These particular assholes actually believed I personally had something to do with all the extra money their gas would be costing them… just because you see me outside changing the sign with gas prices from time to time doesn’t mean I lead the secret cabal that dictates how much Joe Schmoe is going to have to pay at the pump.
As you might imagine, the evening when one well dressed customer asked me and my co-worker what we thought of those stickers we just let loose. We complained about the rage it through into people who didn’t quite get the concept. We bitched about how “glad we were” law makers had nothing better to do with their time and our money. We mentioned that we fantasized punching the people responsible, and that those stickers were nothing but a pain in the ass.
It was then I noticed the check this particular customer had handed me read “Campaign for State Senator…”
Oh shit.
That was when the customer mentioned he was the one who wrote that particular law.
I can't tell you how good this felt. My co-worker and I relished this one for a long time.
As for our Customer, he turned on his heel and started out the door. This was when I played my trump card, and it worked better than I could have dreamed cause it really pissed this guy off...
“Sir, I’m going to need to see some ID with this check.”
original comments
eyejay - Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?
Nothing new or interesting today, just some random thoughts...
-After some deep reflection on the subject of Bud Extra I've decided that it may very well be the dumbest idea since Gary Glitter Day Care. And I joke about beating a dead horse! People have been adding booze to their caffeine for ages and they've been doing it way better. If it's not Rum and Coke then it's that old classic "Irish Coffee." If you really need an energy drink with your alcohol, why bother with beer? Be a man and dump some vodka or whiskey in there. Even the sissy drinkers get more than 6.6% alcohol with their sissy schnapps for gods sake! So thanks Budweiser for absolutely nothing (I happen to make a killer vanilla schnapps and Red Bull... Call me!).
-Can you believe MichealMedvedSucks.Com is not a registered domain? That really pisses me off. I'm not sure which of you assholes is responsible for this but I will find you. HEAR THAT?!
-A woman at work said I should be a comedian. I think she should be a career councilor.
-Since when did CNN.COM have a 24 hour basic cable channel? There's no way that's going to last. Who could possibly fill all that time with news? Fox ans MSNBC sure as hell can't.
-Who do you think makes more money with Internet pay sites? Porn or Jesus? Personally I'd put my money on porn, but I hear this Jesus guy might be due for a comeback.
-I don't wear facial hair so I'll look older... It's to cover the acne.
-I saw a commercial for The Notebook hailed as the best love story ever... by Larry King. Are you freaking kidding me?! This is the guy who said you haven't lived until you've seen Jungle2Jungle...
-Speaking of movies, Michael Bay is currently planning a remake of The Hitcher. He's also responsible for producing that blasphemous remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I think if he's really interested in remakes he should leave the classics alone and try improving some really shitty movies... you know, like the ones he made.
-Still in the movies, I should tell you back in the day I arrived at John Wayne International Airport while they were filming Jerry Maguire. It was the scene where the kid was standing on the baggage retrieval giving hi-fives as it went around. I discovered something that day I wish I didn't know. Tom Cruise, box-office powerhouse that he is, is barely taller than I am and in all truth I could probably kick his ass. So When I see him kicking ass in a movie I chortle. Movie magic, as it relates to Mr. Cruise, is dead for me. Oh yeah, and Vanilla Sky was just way too long and pretentious. To be fair, that is something I need to take up with Cameron Crowe another time.
notes - I just noticed--to my horror--that I said some of the money Sly Stallone owes me is from my ticket to see Rocky V. For the record I want to emphatically state that I have never seen that movie. I did pay to see Rocky IV, but I was a child and was bound to make mistakes. I've paid for mine Mr. Stallone... it's time you paid for yours.
Mr. Blunderson will accept compensation via money order, paypal, or even American Express. No checks please.
