one mystery of the universe revealed

Ever wonder what happened to all that sawdust from your high school wood shop that wasn't used to soak up vomit?

I used to wonder but now I know. You might know too if you've ever paid less than two dollars for a one pound bag of corn chips.

gag me with a turkey

CNN.com posted an article today about competitive eating. George Shea, Chairman of the International Federation of Competitive Eating says people who compete in such contests are athletes who "train for their sport, working to improve jaw strength and increasing their stomach capacity."

I do that too, but I'm not an athlete I'm just fat and gross.

Mr. Shea is out promoting some turkey eating competition that will be televised on Spike TV. "Seeing these guys go at a 20 pound turkey is like poetry," he says.

I would have to disagree. Poetry can be bad sometimes but it should never make you vomit.

I know a lot of these "athletes" are not overweight and are in decent shape considering what they do, but watching them shove food down their throats might be the single most disgusting thing (outside of a White House press conference from the past seven years) I've seen. As my family can attest, considering some of the shit I've witnesses in the name of "special musical numbers" that's really saying a lot.

My biggest problem with these pseudo-sports (eating, cup stacking, soccer) is that at the end of the day who really gives a shit?

Sure I'm bitter. I'm a champion underachiever. I'd be less pissed off if mine was a sport that was televised on ESPN 2. When that day comes I can promise you two things will happen: I'll ease up on competitive eaters and I will rule the world.

two jerks is two too many

Twice in the last week I've been at 7-11 while a police officer was in there trying to get something for free or at least at a discount. That's about the jerkiest thing a person can do, if you ask me. When you take into account the neighborhood this particular store is in it's even more disgusting considering any cop that walks into that place makes more than the average patron. Perhaps I'd feel different if I spent more time flaunting the power I have in my own job to get free shit.

"What? I gotta pay for this donut?! You really gonna make me do that? FINE! But the next time you go to S-Mart to buy your kid an athletic supporter off the peg that says 'large' but when you get home you realize you have a medium don't come cryin' to me."

Yeah bitches. I'm done paying for my donuts.

and another thing...

I've always wanted to try matzo but I've never had the balls.

honesty... or something like it

My Chex Mix doesn't have and expiration date, it simply says "fresher if used by..."

Ain't that the truth.

Bring on the Soylent Green

I will never be a slim guy as long as 7-11 sells their Taquitos. Nothing can stop me from eating them, they are too damn delicious. So much so, that if a bleeding and dying Chuck Heston stumbled into my house right now screaming "7-11 Taquitos are PEOPLE!" with his last breath I would walk right over and buy three more... at a discount price (they are people after all).

This Can Not Be Good

As I'm walking home with my sausage english muffin with cheese from 7-11 I notice that it indicates on the label the exact minute it goes bad. It actually says "Eat by Saturday 11:59 pm." It's not enough to tell me that if this is still on the shelf on Sunday I should probably dig a little further back in the pile?

It frightens me. Not enough to keep me from consuming said muffin, but it frightens me.