yet another real conversation

I wish this wasn't real


guy - ... and it said "Practice safe eating. Use condiments!"
girl - (huge stupid laugh) That's the funniest thing I've ever heard!


Are you fucking kidding me?

another real conversation

This is the sort of thing that makes me wish I didn't have ears. This is a convesation that took place between two employees of the S-mart that also happens to employ my sorry ass.

Guy - Hey, a bunch of us are going to get high and go see Pineapple Express. You coming with us?
Girl - uh... I don't get high.
Guy - Yeah neither do we but we got a whole case of Red Bull and we're all going to drink as much as we can before we go see the movie.
Girl - Cool!

conversation with a... well I'm not really sure

This is an actual conversation (part of a greater conversation that plumbed the depths of absolute absurdity) I had with one of this single most bizarre individuals (BZ)I have met in a very long time.

BZ - So what do you do besides S-Mart?

Me - I'm a stay at home dad.

BZ - Cool. (long pause) So... do you have kids?

Me - uh (pause) yes.

BZ - That's cool. I love kids. I have a kid.

Me - (spoken with that rather frightened hope he's not serious tone) huh.

BZ - No not yet, I don't have any kids yet but I have one on the way.

Me - okay. (moving on, walking away)

BZ - Well... (following me) actually I'm not married so I don't have a kid on the way but since I am
going to have kids I kind've have a kid on the way.

Me - No, actually you don't. Not at all.

BZ - But I'm about to get married.

Me - gee I doubt it.

BZ - I know but I want to so as soon as I ask someone so whenever that is it will be like three months
later.

thank god it's monday

When you work in retail as I do, at a mega-shopping type deal as I do (Shop Smart, beeotches. Shop S-Mart) you find yourself a lot more popular among certain people when Black Friday is rolling around. Too bad none of those Jerkoffs read my blog, cause then I could save myself a lot of lame-ass conversation...

Jerkoff
So, you guys going to have any big sales on friday?

Me
No, actually I don't even think we're open on that day.

Jerkoff
Really? It's like the biggest shopping day of the year.

Me
I'll pass that along to my boss next time I see him.

Another classic one is where the jerkoff thinks I will give them inside information on the sale...

Jerkoff
So, what are some of the big sale items for black friday?

Me
We'll have a two for one on douche bags, same as every friday.

Jerkoff
That's funny. Seriously, what do you guys have?

Me
If you go straight to the doors in the very back, we'll be selling some
children we saved from a burning orphanage.

Jerkoff
What?!

Me
Sure, you'll be doing them a huge favor. Any that we don't sell will be
shipped to Thailand.

Jerkoff
Why would I want to buy a kid?

Me
Yeah, you're probably better off with the douche bags.
You'll enjoy the company I'm sure.

My absolute favorite is the assumption that I have insider information on other retail chains sales...

Jerkoff
So, you know what any of the other stores are going to have this year?

Me
Are you retarded? Cause I saw you driving before in a van with your
kids in it, but now I think you shouldn't risk putting your children in
danger. Excuse me while I make a few calls.

I know it's a little late to stop anyone from bugging the shit out of me this year since that week has passed but please spread the word: If you know someone who works in retail and you are about to ask them about Black Friday, try instead something they might give a shit about, like a conversation about the weather or your last bowel movement.

And you wonder why I'm going to start telling people who ask that I'm a professional pornographer.