like I said...

When I picked up my most recent check at S-Mart the place was in ruins. That guy Ash in Housewares had blasted everything to hell protecting the store's only living hottie from what he referred to as a "deadite." I don't care if he is a badass with his chainsaw/hand and superlative one-liners, I think if they are going to promote the guy, they should do it on the basis of character and customer service skills (where he is woefully underwhelming).

But I digress...

I pick up my paycheck and attached was a card for my five year anniversary at S-mart signed by my superiors. Included was a little certificate that allows me to select from four gifts online. If you have been following my blog over the years, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

All I ever wanted was a thanks, and that's it. I appreciate the gesture but the last thing I need is a mass produced corporate card signed by people who don't know me paper clipped to my paycheck. When I say S-Mart is a soulless retailer it's supposed to be tongue in cheek.

It's just like them to wreck the joke by actually making it true.

even more fist names

If you read the comments on my blog, you might be aware that my bro was looking for a help with a fist name, and it had to be something that went with "Rosy" which is what he named his lefty. Although I can't for the life of me think of what he should name his righty (but I suspect that naming your fists is a bit like shooting your own dog) , I was initially a little disappointed that he had settled on Rosy. I thought my own brother could do better than that.

But then it occurred to me that with Rosy, he could always tell people that his left fist is "a lover and not a fighter" and now I think it might be the best fist name ever.

Good on ya, bro. I'm ever so proud!

5 Years

I passed my 5 year anniversary at S-Mart without so much as a damn word. I don't need a medal or anything like that but a "thanks" would go a hell of a long way.


I'm starting to feel invisible there.

whens gonna be my time?

We have a bird problem at S-Mart and the solution involves a dude with a glorified version of a pellet gun stalking around our stockroom waiting for a chance to put the sad little buggers out of their misery. The first night he only got one, so I suggested that he build a blind on the "the steel" (giant shelves made to hold entire pallets of stuff) and cover himself in bird pee. I don't think the advice went over well since the next night he came back with a buddy instead. Two is better than one, right?

If there is a silver lining here, it is that S-Mart has finally gotten around to putting suffering creatures down. I figure its only a matter of time now before bb gun guy comes for me.

Kurt is in heaven now

Rest in peace Mr. Vonnegut and thanks for everything You will be missed.

bunch of pussies

I'm not calling any names or anything, I just like saying those three words.

In the movie Donnie Darko it is discussed how a famous linguist decided of all the combinations of words and sounds in the English language that "cellar door" was the most pleasant.

According to Wikipedia that wasn't so much a linguist as it was JRR Tolkien. Keep in mind that he said it with a British accent, something that is not addressed in the movie. When spoken with such an accent, it does indeed sound rather pleasant. When Americans say it, it just sounds like words.

Since I am an American, I like to think of things that sound pleasing sans the fruity accent. It is my contention that "bunch of pussies" comes close to being the American equivalent of "cellar door."

I think the word "panties" is certainly also a contender.

edit - I've thought about it some more and I can't help but suspect "Vanilla Milkshake" is up there too.

uh... what?!

Should I be frightened that Saturday night I watched the original Planet of the Apes on the History Channel?

More Fist Names

I'm pissed!

I was so happy about my fist names until my wife told me hers were "Tony Orlando & Dawn."

But the cool thing is that if we ever get into a fight I can give her some muskrat love with my fists while she can tie a yellow ribbon around my neck and strangle me with hers. The thought alone is enough to make me want to start some shit right now...

If I wasn't confident I'd end up in traction I'd probably do it.

moving! everything must go!

blog city is giving the boot to the free loaders. Apparently they want to make money or something. Fair enough. At the end of the year this blog will cease to exist here at blog city, but I have already started copying my entries and your comments to the new address. It will be some time before I actually get everything over there so please be patient with me. This is where you will find all of my updates from now on.

Thank you for your support.

This Can Not Be Good

As I'm walking home with my sausage english muffin with cheese from 7-11 I notice that it indicates on the label the exact minute it goes bad. It actually says "Eat by Saturday 11:59 pm." It's not enough to tell me that if this is still on the shelf on Sunday I should probably dig a little further back in the pile?

It frightens me. Not enough to keep me from consuming said muffin, but it frightens me.