oh brother

Dark Horizons (from Screen Daily) reports:

Atmosphere Entertainment and Relativity Media have announced that the first picture to go into production for their joint venture genre label Chiller Films will be a remake of Joe Dante's 1978 horror hit "Piranha"

"We felt that Piranha is the perfect genre picture for us to do," Atmosphere chief Mark Canton said in a statement. "It's a classic horror thriller with high-end talent attached and with all of the ingredients to deliver a plethora of scares."

"I first had the idea to remake Piranha about three years ago, right before the current horror film resurgence," IPW chairman Marc Toberoff added. "That one word tells a story evoking universal fear. I've always felt that death by piranha was much more horrifying than death by shark."

Basically what they are saying is that they had the idea to remake a movie before anyone else started making remakes... Only problem is that they haven't even put their original idea of "remaking" into production and by the time this comes out it will probably be the last an with any luck when this film rolls into theaters even the stupid people in this country will be screaming for originality.

Whatever.

shut the fuck up, Don!

The current administration continues its ongoing policy to make me ashamed to be an American.

I am so sick of all the lies, deflections, and double standards, but mostly I am sick of the perversion of all that is decent and good by those who run this country and I am sick of being surrounded by the idiots who are helped by Bush policies the least yet still manage to be his most rapidly loyal supporters.

If you support the current administration you are an idiot.

These are the people that would have you believe that being a patriot is falling into line, turning a blind eye, and keeping your mouth shut. In what world is that a patriot?

And if you can really look around at what is going on in our country today and not be wretchedly ill, then you are a really big fucking idiot.

In the news today comes the latest in a series of denials of the Amnesty International report regarding human rights violations at Guantanamo Bay. This time from Donald Rumsfeld.

"To compare the United States and Guantanamo Bay to such atrocities cannot be excused," he said. "Free societies depend on oversight, and they welcome informed criticism, particularly on human rights issues. But those who make such outlandish charges lose any claim to objectivity or seriousness."

Excuse me, Mr. Rumsfeld, but if you actually believe those words then I wonder what exactly you are saying in regards to our society. Especially when you are part of an administration that tolerates no oversight or criticism in any form, or from any source.

While acknowledging some instances of detainee abuse, Rumsfeld criticized media efforts for failing to place the issue in a "proper context."

Context? There is no proper context, Mr. Rumsfeld. Either we are the champions of freedom that you see this country as or we are part of the problem. You can't have it both ways. And there is no excuse for any abuse. The fact that no one in the administration has to take any responsibility for anything, makes it far to easy for you to essentially condone such misdeeds... as long as you can put them into "context."

"Precious little has been written by [newspaper] editorial boards about the beheading of innocent civilians by terrorists, the thousands of bodies found in mass graves in Iraq, the allegations of rape of women and girls by U.N. workers in the Congo," he said.

This comment speaks volumes. Let me break it down for you.

"Precious little has been written by [newspaper] editorial boards about..." This is because if you read the news, precious little has been reported about anything at all. The press are a bunch of pussies. I would love for any press in this country to write about whats really going on about anything.

"...about the beheading of innocent civilians by terrorists..." funny you should bring that one up. Actually there is nothing funny about civilians being beheaded. But you forget that this is going on in a climate that you created with your "Operation Iraqi Freedom." Just one item in what has become a litany of things you will never take responsibility for. Are you actually chopping those heads off yourself? No, but you made your big violent, bloody, bed... you'd better have the balls to fucking sleep in it, sir. Your actions have exacerbated the situation in regards to terror and the cost of civilian lives. But the nice thing about being a part of this administration is that you aren't even remotely responsible for anything. That’s policy.

As a side note, I appreciate that he said "beheading of innocent civilians by terrorists," and not some blanket statement denouncing beheading in general since we wouldn’t want to offend our Saudi brothers.

"...the thousands of bodies found in mass graves in Iraq..." Speaking of policy, this is the classic stand-by. Always blame Saddam. All I want to know is how many Iraqi's have perished in the course of "Operation Iraqi Freedom?" I doubt he even knows. The fact that it is difficult to even obtain a credible number disturbs me. Some sources estimate more than 20,000, and that number grows each day. Give me the number, Mr. Rumsfeld, get off your case on this one. How many of those were civilians? Are you even capable of demonstrating even a speck of humanity? Do 20,000 (as high as 24,000 according to some sources) count for anything? can they be considered thousands dead? In any case I hope that none of them are buried in mass graves, because that is what keep their deaths from being inexcusable. Isn't that right, Don?

I wish I could Lexus Nexus the phrase "thousands of bodies found in mass graves in Iraq" I Googled it and only found 614,000 related articles. Of course some of those will only be about mass, or graves, or Iraq, AND Google omitted some entries automatically to provide "the most relevant results," but that still gives me a choice of 740 articles. 740 = precious little. But that’s just the internet which may or may not mean anything.

"...the allegations of rape of women and girls by U.N. workers in the Congo..." That’s great that you can talk about this out loud, Mr. Rumsfeld. What are you doing about it though? What have you done about it? Oh wait--we don't even like the UN. They wouldn't even back our silly little teeny tiny operation to oust Saddam and set Iraq to rights. Let’s remind people that we are above the UN because we never do anything like that. There are all sorts of things going on in the world, uncountable atrocities that this administration can conveniently conjure anytime a finger is being pointed at them.

These guys are like petulant children who rat out their siblings when confronted by a parent for wrong doing.

No more lies. No more deflections. No more passing the buck. If the people in charge could do these things I might feel better about my country.

I realize that this is way too much to ask.

this blog sucks

I'm taking some time off.

I'll be around eventually.

this news shocks me

News off the AP wire reports that the oversight body over the internet has approved the creation of a "virtual red-light district"

Too bad we already have a virtual on-line red-light district. It’s called the INTERNET

Also on from the AP:

(AP) -- Swiss and American scientists say they have successfully manipulated subjects in an experiment to take risks they might not otherwise take by giving them a squirt of the hormone oxytocin to stimulate trusting behavior.

Their finding could have beneficial applications in treating mental disorders, but they acknowledge the possibility of abuse.

Abuse? Ya think?

This could be worse than "zombie malaria." Yes... I know I'm stupid.

But on a serious note, this could be worse than date rape drugs. Way worse. You don't have to be unconscious to have sex with someone you trust. I wouldn't be AS concerned if I thought even for a second that the most insidious application of this drug would involve horny men.

Personally I'm more worried about my boss at the soulless retailer getting a hold of it. Just think of what I might do... and for a pay cut to boot.

Religious zealots and politicians could each use such a drug to their benefit. Oh the conversions! The elections!

Worst of all, Michael Bay--the Uberhack himself--could come to my house, pour a little in my next White Russian and goad me into paying full price to sit through his next film The Island and then give it a glowing review on my blog.

Folks, I don't want to alarm you, but this really is a time for hyper-vigilance. I may never sleep again. The fact that this drug is applied in squirt-form (did I fail to mention that?) is another part of what disturbs me here. Behavior modification drugs might be as frightening as nuclear, chemical, AND biological weapons combined. I don’t want you to think I wouldn’t mind incineration, anthrax, or contracting smallpox… no thanks. But to think there is is a potential weapon that could have me punching the ballot for soon to be president Bill Frist on my way from a local Christian fundamentalist BBQ, and before snuggling up to my wife to enjoy a rerun of Temptation Island followed by a special presentation of “Armageddon – The Directors Cut.”

And all the while I would think it was a good idea… I feel violated just thinking about it.

I hope you will understand if I don't update my blog as often while I'm on Michael Bay-watch for the next few years.

Finally, I think I should be the President of the USA. I could do a way better job than that idiot in the White House now. He has only three answers in his entire arsenal. Any question that he is ever asked by anyone will be answered by one of the following, or a variant thereof:

· Being president is hard work

· I have to make difficult decisions

· That is just absurd!

I guess its no mystery why I only have one answer to the question "why do you hate G W Bush?"

· Cause he's a dick.

a little about my town

There is a local company that has become infamous for editing out certain parts of certain movies. They're called Clean Flicks and I hate everything they stand for. Eech.

They have had a store in my own town for some time, but I don't pay much attention to it. This morning I happened past it. I saw something odd out of the corner of my eye and I've been grinning ever since.

By some cosmic joke or unfortunate font selection at first glance the sign outside the store appears to say "CLEAN FUCKS."

Perhaps it is simply my twisted little mind, but its not so much of a stretch... of course it looks more like this:

CLEAN FLICKS

Is it just me?

In other local news, there is a billboard just around the corner from my house. Very large, very prominent, right on Main Street and all that. I haven't paid much attention to it until I drove past it two days ago and saw it advertising Utah Pride Week and the Gay Pride Parade. Actually it was my brother who pointed that out, but still...

I have to admit I was quite shocked and impressed, considering I live in such a conservative little theocratic berg. I was so impressed I pointed it out to my sister yesterday as we drove past.

Of course, the billboard was now advertising BYU Independent Study.

How pathetically appropriate, I suppose.

For all I know the original billboard has been up for months and was simply changed as the add period expired. But something in my mind seriously doubts that. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if the change was made due threats from a mob bearing torches and pitchforks. Sadly, it wouldn't be the first time.

Finally, I have joked in the past that I am the least celebrated alumni at the tiny school I graduated from (check out my profile), but I have learned that they are giving my sister an Alumni Award today at their graduation ceremony. Congrats to my little sister who recently completed her Masters Degree at SMU in Piano Performance and for getting an award for doing something super great.

original comment from rainbrot - Just the tiniest dab of paint (or duct tape, or whatever) will fix that "clean flicks" sign RIGHT up.

this is so telling

According to the Hollywood Reporter:

LOS ANGELES, California (Hollywood Reporter) -- Several high-profile actresses have been let go from shows freshly picked up by UPN, Fox, NBC and the WB, days after the networks unveiled their fall lineups to advertisers.

One of the actresses in question would be Shannen Doherty. She will no longer be the star of the new show "Love, Inc.," for the UPN Network. Rumors abound that she is difficult to work with and how she was fired from 90210 and more recently "eased out" of Charmed.

Since I am in no way a fan of Ms Doherty I haven't seen a great deal of her work, but something in the back of my mind tells me the real reason she was let go was due to talent. The article quotes a UPN spokeswoman as saying "Shannen is a terrific actress," and we all know that UPN simply has no room on their schedule for a show featuring an actor or actress who is anything better than crap.

add this guy to my list

CNN.COM quoted The Amityville Horror remake director Andrew Douglas as he waxed philosophic regarding the high number of horror film releases this summer.

"This film comes out amid a whole raft of films. It is interesting what causes that," he said. "Do we get the culture we deserve, or do some people smarter than us give us the culture we want? It's a perennial question."

But his true genius was revealed when he went onto to explain why horror films are cheaper

Mr. Douglas notes that horror flicks are fantasies, and they deliver a higher jolt of fantasy than people get in real life.

He cited a couple of general rules for Hollywood's eagerness to make them. Generally speaking, they are less expensive because they use fewer stars, and they are easier to market due to their loyal fan base.

Although I do not completely disagree with Mr. Douglas (who is currently vying for position of "Unterhack with Uwe Boll) I feel he forgot to mention the most important reasons films like his are so cheap:

A lot of these films are not original ideas (i.e. remakes and re-imaginings--a word that makes my blood boil) so they don't really have to spend a lot of money on a script or rewrites. They can cut and paste a couple of horror classics together run it through Google language tools and then smooth everything out with MS Word spell-check, grammar correction, and thesaurus. You can bang out a script like this in a matter of days.

Since the title of your movie (in his case The Amityville Horror) already exists in the realm of popular culture along with the mythology and urban legends it encompasses, you save on a shit load of advertising because the studio can bank on the name recognition.

Americans are a bunch of dumb sheep so there’s a good chance some of them are going to pay to see the movie anyway. The Amityville Horror wasn't screened for critics so some sheep who might have been turned off to the film by a bad review lost somewhere between eight and ten bucks plus whatever they consumed in soda, popcorn, and jujubees. This is where you make your money back… the sheep.

Last but not least, after you have assembled a cast of people you don't have to pay, bastardized someone else’s ideas to formulate your script, saved a shitload of money in your advertising budget thanks to name recognition, you have to take the most important step in making a cheap horror movie. You get some lame-ass-know-nothing-jerk-wad who will sit in the director’s chair and yell action and cut from time to time, before he sends it off to the editing room where the film really starts to suck.

Am I bitter?

God yes.

I am CNN.com's toughest critic

CNN is reporting that endangered snow leopards were spotted on the southern slopes of Mount Everest.

This is really stupid reporting. Whether a snow leopard has spots actually has little or nothing to do with where it is seen. What a bunch of dumbasses.

no news is good news, right?

My rabidly loyal readers will have certainly noticed some bizarre changes in my recent blogging habits. First of all, it has been a hell of a long time since I have published more than a paragraph and even longer since I've written anything personal. I've even only updated at all three times in the last ten days.

What the hell is going on, you ask?

I've been really sick and not fun sick either like you may have been led to believe. The only kind of fun sick is when you're not really sick at all. But faking sick is not something I'm really big on... anymore. Back when I was in Jr. High School I was fun sick a lot. There was one stretch of time that I think I missed 8 Mondays in a row. That was awesome. Of course when I consider that being “fun sick” was only an avenue to avoid the complete and utter suffocation and misery that were my school years, it doesn't sound so great.

The last time I faked sick was in 1990. Mostly to avoid a crushing exam in chemistry, it was great for about 37 minutes... until the chest pains started. A few hours later the family doc was looking at my chest x-ray showing me what pneumonia looked like.

I was sick for months. Set me way back in school. I felt lost for the whole year. From then on I was too superstitious to fake sick again... for a while anyway.


Back to the present...

As I said, I've been sick and haven't felt like doing much. My wife took several days off of work to accommodate my illness--being a stay at home dad she was my pinch hitter for 2 and a half days. It didn't help that my kids were also sick. But she's a sweetie and took good care of me while I grumbled and stumbled about the house, coughing and wheezing and begging for death. Plus my stupid brother is moving his family to stupid France. Sorry, my brother is far from stupid but that doesn't mean I have to like it. France is so lucky.

Between that and being ill and kind of busy otherwise, I haven't really felt like blogging. The good news is I have tons of ideas on backlog. The bad news is that they all suck.

Just a warning for anyone hoping things are going to get better around here anytime soon.

this is how the world will end

I just read an article (yes I read the whole article and I'm as shocked as anyone) on CNN.com about how the US Government does not want to allow massive billboards to be parked in earth orbit that would not only be visible to the naked eye (they would appear about moon-size... at least, that's what the FAA speculates) but possibly obstruct our view of the heavens.

The author lamented the atrocity of polluting our skies with such filth. "Americans have so little tolerance for anything polluting our skies…"

Except for pollution, apparently.

Naturally I read this story on a webpage that bombarding me with no less than 7 different adverts.