New Song by 2der Mooby

This is how I spent my Sunday.

Who says science isn't useful?

I can't believe this didn't fall under the category of "breaking news" but CNN.com reports that even a lumbering T-Rex (far from the fastest of dinosaurs) could outrun David Beckham. Now there is some information that will come in handy.

As you may or may not know, I have spent the better portion of the last 15 years (when I first read Jurassic Park) and billions of dollars in a effort to clone a Tyrannosaurus Rex for the specific purpose of eating David Beckham. According to this report that was time well spent. I no longer have to worry about surprising "Becks" with a massive T-Rex (that being the X factor in the plan) , rather I can set the beast loose in his general vicinity and only hope that by the time Rexy catches the world class soccer player he will not already have a belly full of bystanders (that would be the "collateral damage" as they say in the biz).

The only down side to my plan is that even as dinosaur poop we all know that Mr. Beckham will be featured more prevalently in the news than any shit that really matters.

Da Bearsss win a game that means nothing

Sure da Bears beat the Colts on Monday Night Football but this is the pre-season. Starters barely played one quarter. But it is football, it is da Bears, and they did win.

So...



EAT SHIT PEYTON MANNING!*





*I actually hate myself a little for saying this because even though his team beat mine in last years super bowl, he is indeed one of the better human beings not only in sports but period. There I said it... now get bent.

two jerks is two too many

Twice in the last week I've been at 7-11 while a police officer was in there trying to get something for free or at least at a discount. That's about the jerkiest thing a person can do, if you ask me. When you take into account the neighborhood this particular store is in it's even more disgusting considering any cop that walks into that place makes more than the average patron. Perhaps I'd feel different if I spent more time flaunting the power I have in my own job to get free shit.

"What? I gotta pay for this donut?! You really gonna make me do that? FINE! But the next time you go to S-Mart to buy your kid an athletic supporter off the peg that says 'large' but when you get home you realize you have a medium don't come cryin' to me."

Yeah bitches. I'm done paying for my donuts.

15 minutes to go

Da Bearssssss!This is a decent approximation of the face I make
every time Rex Grossman fumbles the snap. I can
only hope it happens less often than it did last year.
The pre-season starts in just a few minutes.

Foiled!

My G-mail invites are useless! I am no longer über-superior with my invite only G-mail. Any Tom, Dick, or robot Cheney can get an account by going to the page and "selecting a name." That means anyone (and I mean anyone) can have G-mail.

Poop!

Not that I ever used my invites. The point of the invites was never to share but to lord my coolness over the masses (as if G-mail was really that exclusive, but still...) and now that they are worthless there is no point in denying them. On the other hand, why use them now? Why bother?!

I remember when I was (at least, or perhaps at best) a member of the upper echelons of the lower internet class but now I am nothing more than an internet peasant. I might as well go back to dial-up.



The real tragedy here is that this has only recently occurred to me. How many months am I behind the curve here? I only ask that you hit me quick with the reality so my true humiliation can begin.

VP Update

Dick Cheney reportedly left the hospital after having surgery to receive a "new battery" for his pace maker. As if we didn't know this was simply another in a long line of procedures replacing Mr. Cheney's organs with robot parts. Right now in robot terms he's probably about a C-3PO without the gayness. Also instead of being fluent in 6 million forms of communication he's just an asshole. He is not yet as terrifying as a Terminator but already infinitely cooler than Short Circuit's Johnny Number 5.

Interestingly when all is said and done he will actually be more human than he is now.

new business venture

I'd like to start producing audio commentaries for books but I suspect they may be wildly unpopular

boss jokes

You've probably heard how given enough time a certain number of monkeys banging away at typewriters would eventually type out the complete works of Shakespeare. I never understood why the bar for that probability had to be set so high, as I would be impressed if a bunch of monkeys eventually came up with the first three chapters of Tuesdays with Morrie.

But then I think of replacing those monkeys with the people I work for and I doubt they could hammer out a Dick & Jane in any amount of time even if they were using the actual book as a reference.

and another thing...

I've always wanted to try matzo but I've never had the balls.