Carnival

The carnival blew into town.  I shouldn't say "the" carnival but "a" carnival, as even the locals didn't seem to know what the hell it was doing here.  Having read plenty of Ray Bradbury as a kid, I know to be weary of a surprise carnival coming to town.

To be safe, as we were driving over I warned the kids specifically to stay off the merry-go-round and to avoid the house of mirrors...  just in case.  Since I've failed as a parent and neither of my kids have read any Bradbury yet I did have to explain a little more about the merry-go-round.  I can't tell you how much it pleased me a few minutes later while walking the midway to have them ask to be reminded of which way the merry-go-round went to make you younger and older.

Love my kids.

But sadly, as we wandered past the rides I didn't get any evil vibes.  Plenty of skeezy carnies, but  that comes with the territory, right?

Although I did witness one disturbing thing in the restroom.

I saw a guy walk into a shit and piss covered stall and pour a can of  coors light into a refill mug so he could surreptitiously enjoy a little drink at the carnival.

First of all, food and drink in a clean bathroom is disgusting.  But the guy was literally standing in a puddle of urine at the time.

And to go to that length for a COORS LITE???  What the hell?

I guess it's okay and I shouldn't judge.  A beer like that is akin to horse piss so maybe it's only fitting that such a transfer should take place in the most disgusting stall of the city park mens room.

Are you kidding me?!

I just saw the stupidest trailer in my entire life... way dumber than the trailer for the Prometheus trailer (yes there was a promo trailer for a trailer... WHAT?!) not that the Prometheus trailer was dumb, it just blew my mind that there was a trailer for a fucking trailer...

but I digress.

THE HOST is a movie based on a book by the evil trog that wrote the twilight series... good god people are dumb.  I'm dumb because I thought it was a trailer for a remake of the fine Korean movie with the same name... of course if that had been the case I was going to rant anyway.  Why the fuck do we need a remake?  why not just watch the actual, ya know, MOVIE.  No fucking way that remake is better than the original, and fuck anyone who won't watch it cause they don't like reading at the movies. 

Either way I was going to bitch, but Ms. Meyers needs to go away.  She sucks, and everyone who pays money to read her books and see movies based on her books need to go away as well. 

GO AWAY!

I guess I'm back... but I make no promises.

really sums it up, right?

me: I kinda want a cat.
my son: alright! Now you're thinking like a man!

Too Lazy to Blog

It is sad when you are too lazy to blog, but even worse when you blog about it.

Is this really better?

Domino's Pizza is pushing their new image like crazy.

Everything is new! Everything is better! You asked for it, you're getting it! The crust is better, our the sauce is improved with a touch of spicy, there's much less gerbil in our meat product!

That does sound lovely but I still have an issue with Domino's and since all their other changes were allegedly based on customer complaints it makes me wonder if I am the only one this bothers but I don't care this needs to be said. What is up with your pizza box????

That's right, the PIZZA BOX still sucks!

Anyone else who delivers me a pizza sends me a box that does two things well. It opens AND shuts. Very handy when you work a graveyard shift and wake up 3 hours after getting to sleep because your neighbor wants to mow his lawn or your neighbors kids want to run around screaming right under your window and you find you need a snack after quelling the urge to strangle someone before going back to bed.

Long story short, half asleep or wide awake, the Domino's Pizza box requires an advanced degree in origami to close once you've opened it. The side pops out or a tab flips up and the prospect of simply closing the pizza box becomes an unruly exercise while holding your slice in one hand dealing with a recycled cardboard nemesis in the other.

We live in the 21st century. We have cell phones and iPads and movies without Pauly Shore. Is it wrong to insist on an actual practical convenience?

AND ANOTHER THING.

The Domino's Pizza box says that their new cheese is "made with 100 percent mozzarella with just a hint of provolone." MADE WITH. You catch that? Their cheese is made with 100 percent mozzarella. So what I want to know is what percent of their cheese is this 100 mozzarella. Is it less than 50 percent? Is it more than one percent?

Yes, the mozzarella they put in their cheese is apparently fine grade Italian, but what the hell??? Why would you go through all the trouble to improve your product if you are going to sow the seeds of doubt right there on the box???

AND FINALLY

Also printed on the box is a tag that guarantees that this is now the best pizza Domino's has ever made. When you think about it, that's really not much of a promise.

Is it?

real conversations

stranger - do you know what time it is?
me - vaguely.
stranger - cool, what time is it?

we don't need new words

The twitter elite, those who manage to attract masses to their constant barrage of drivel and pointlessness in 140 characters or less, are being referred to as the Twitterati.

Seems like a waste of a word since we already have a perfect description for them.




Douche Bags.

another question

Is it really necessary to mow your lawn at 8 in the damn morning?

I need new neighbors.

Questions that need answers

When people visit France, they always wax sentimental about "Gay Paris." Is there even a "Not Gay Paris?"

A friend of mine recently told me about how horrible his day was because some girl came into his place of business (a fast food establishment) and flashed her tits for some free garlic bread. Are you fucking serious? Can I please have your life (well... except for the job part I suppose) where that is considered a low point? Please?

I can't wait till Utah decides that mixing drinks behind a ten foot wall isn't enough. I'm waiting for the day when I order my El Presidente Margarita at Chili's and they bring out my salt-rimmed glass, blue plastic shake brimming with watered down booze, and my isolation booth to drink it in. I'm guessing that happens sooner than later.

Why am I unable to quell my most irrational fears? For instance, I am terrified that someone might find out that I easily watch 2 or 3 hours of programming on E! every week.

Oops.

RV sales not down in Utah

There's an article in the SL tribune today that says that RV sales this year are about the same as last year. What they don't mention is that while last year Utahns were buying RV's for camping, this year they are buying them for living in... not to mention it's nice to have a house on wheels when the bill collectors come looking for you.

the toilet never knew what hit it

This is my new favorite picture of all time.

I promise this isn't my toilet. It's... well, it was a public toilet in a mens room in a Centerville, Utah Carl's Jr. and it didn't even have anything to do with their Jalapeno Burger. This porcelain throne was the victim of a handgun that went off when an armed (this is Utah after all, so many people here are armed) patron was hitching up his pants and the gun went off.

You can read the whole story here.

words I hate

As a pacifist I am obviously never going to do anything violent, but there are moments when I come really, really close. I frequently get the urge to punch people in the teeth when they use certain words that manage to bug the living hell out of me for some unexplained reason. Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's some cosmic force pressing me into some horrible violence in the future... only time will tell. Until then can anyone please explain why these words make me want to choke the people who say them? And it doesn't matter who says them, my best friends, some random douchebag, or my own mom.

To be clear, if you are someone in my little universe that I am so clearly the center of and you say these words, I do not dislike you. Unless of course you suck, but since I don't spend a lot of time talking or even listening to people who suck let me assure you that I don't always hate the messenger (unless you use fancy as a verb) but since my minds eye is unable to visualize violence upon a word I suppose I focus momentarily on the next best thing...

But I digress.

Guesstimate is one of those words. I just hate it. And it's not the portmanteau specifically that bothers me, something about the sound of it simply causes me to bristle. Maybe it is that it sounds so damn dumb to me. Does that make me a pretentious prick? Perhaps... and an aliterative arsehole to boot.

Another one that is starting to gain some popularity is the word frenemy. It sounds like one of those words that was made up by someone trying to be cute and clever. Screw that shit. I can pass on both of those things. I get what it means, but the sound of the word on my eardrums causes indescribable agitation.

Again, I really don't hate every word that was created by jamming two others together. For example, I love brunch and not just the meal but the sound of the word is so damn soothing. I won't deny that my love for that word might be food related.

How about Reganomics? There's a word that doesn't make me want to choke anyone. I am also fairly neutral when it comes to chunnel. But say fugly in my presence and I will murder you in my mind.

Here's something interesting. I don't like the word humanzee, but I don't hate it. On the other hand Slanguage will send me right into a tizzy. The worst kind of tizzy. A worizzy if you will.

Wow, I hate that word too.

I guess I am crazy. No surprise there I suppose.

Is there a pill that will help me? Some snappy comment on my blog from a prominent wiseass?

Anything?

Ladle the Chum

Can you still boast an "opposable thumb" when all you do with it is keep it jammed up your ass?

I say no, but I have been wrong before.

Another True Story from S-Mart

This is an absolutely true story. I know it's true because it happened to me.

A few nights ago day while at S-Mart (the soulless retailer that employs my sorry ass) I was working in an area isolated from nearly everyone else who was working at the time. My little area had a mountain of work to do and I was a bit ornery I had been left to work it on my own, so when I noticed in the corner of my eye someone stocking on the aisle next to me I kept grinding away but felt a great sense of relief.

Some days it's nice to be on my own with just the voices in my head. Other days being alone makes me a little crazy. This might be related to the voices in my head...

But I digress.

As I went about my stocking, I walked past this person a number of times. I didn't say hello or even look at them directly (I was a bit ornery) after a while I started to feel like a dick, so I attempted some small talk but got no response. I craned my head around the aisle to see if I was being ignored or what.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered I had not been chatting up a fellow employee but the step stool I use to reach the higher shelves.

Hell of a day.

This just makes me sad.

The following is a direct quote from the daily herald online edition.

"Payson police say a dead man found by a jogger on Monday night was likely the result of a suicide stabbing.

They identified the body of the Payson man, but did not release a name Tuesday night because family was still being notified, said Lt. Bill Wright.

Early indications lead officials to believe the death was caused by self-inflicted knife wounds, but the suicide ruling is still preliminary, Wright said.

"We want to make sure we don't rush to judgement," Wright said.

A jogger found the body near 1000 W. 1550 South about 6:30 p.m. The person who died is described as between 20 and 30 years old and about 5 feet 8 inches tall with dark hair. There are no tattoos, with the only distinguishing feature being a "unibrow," Wright said.

The department has received calls of missing people from Ogden to Sandy and from within Payson."

all mooby all the time

I'm back with another cringe inducing update on the 2der Mooby front. This was a little drum demo I put together to demonstrate a realistic drum kit sound and execution, you can even hear the snare being played by 2 sticks if you can look past the soulless computer that actually plays them.

I'm not one of you

I've been trying to keep things light around here, but I can't be quiet about this one.

I know I live in Utah, and worse than that I live in the heart of one of the most conservative and Mormon communities on the planet, but please, PLEASE don't lump me in with all the assholes who worked so hard and paid so much to shoot down gay marriage. I am not one of them. I never will be.

What really makes me sick is after spending more than 20 million dollars on their prop 8 campaign and who knows what else (ie manpower, phone calls, knocking doors, etc) the people in the LDS church are basically crying "don't persecute us" in the face of the resulting backlash.

I could choke on the hypocrisy.

It sickens me.

To all my so-called friends and family members who support persecuting gays and lesbians I'll just say "Shut the fuck up and let people live their lives."

another jesus shark

Avid readers of my blog (all four of you) might remember this post a while back about a shark giving a virgin birth. I don't mean to alarm you, but it's happened again.

I have nothing to add beyond the gee whiz factor of it all...

and everything I said in the original post.

nothing to see here

there's a little title company I often pass as I drive about town called the "Provo Abstract Company."

For a long time I've wanted to get a job there just so when people ask me what I do at work I could tell them that much of what I do is unclear and open to interpretation.

Of course, that fits my current job description just fine.

yet another real conversation

I wish this wasn't real


guy - ... and it said "Practice safe eating. Use condiments!"
girl - (huge stupid laugh) That's the funniest thing I've ever heard!


Are you fucking kidding me?