Most of the people who read my blog know me personally. I worry that the few people who know me only from my blog may have a skewed sense of who I really am.
Based solely on the information contained in my blog, this is what you may (or may not) know about me:
- I really, really hate Michael Bay.
- I also dislike Paul Anderson, but don’t hate him like I do the uber hack.
- I refuse to take the time to use an umlaut when I type the word “uber.”
- Sylvester Stallone owes me twenty dollars
- I can’t spell.
- Even though I can’t spell, when I type “meellions” I do it on purpose.
- I make fun of other blogs.
- I never order rice in restaurants.
- I have a fan club. Eyejae is the president. She’s done time.
- I have a long standing feud with Yale President Richard Levine… but he started it.
- Small Claims Attorney Flash Van Shatner will no longer be representing me or any of my close friends in any legal capacity… he is still writing my biography which will be published next fall.
- I’m in a techno band with my computer.
- I work for a soulless retailer.
- My blog contains a plethora of ellipsis…
Is this really me?
Yes, but I want to tell stories anyway. Therefore, I offer revealing insights into me. The following stories are true, taking place while I worked the dream job of Convenience Store Clerk long before anyone knew me as Noodles Blunderson.
Every summer, as most sports organizations do, the Brigham Young University football team prints out meellions of business card sized schedules and places them at various locations throughout the valley.
This particular season BYU featured a number of their star players on one side. As goofy as it sounds, for days we had been fielding questions like “do you have the schedules with so and so on the front?” and so these schedules were a point of contention with all the store clerks.
That year I was at the register when the team member dropped off the cards. I looked at them and vehemently expressed my dismay that the batch we had been given featured “nobody's favorite,” the place kicker.
“Who in the hell is going to want the place kicker?” said I.
Silence was my answer as the lanky kid on the other side of the counter blushed and looked at the floor. He finally started to say something like “I don’t know… someone might want that one…” and I realized I was talking to the guy who was featured on the very card I had just dissed.
Oops.
The good news is that Owen Pochman went on to have a great career at BYU and to this day holds the school record for most career points with 333.
But in the end I was right - nobody wanted a BYU Football schedule with a picture featuring the place kicker. We ended up throwing most of them away.
The other incident occurred not long after a Utah Law was passed requiring stickers be placed on each and every fuel pump that showed how much money went to state and federal taxes out of each gallon purchased.
Nobody who understood what they meant said a word about the stickers. The stupid people on the other hand…
Simply put, they confused the hell out of the stupid people. They were convinced that those “taxes” were going to be added at the register above and beyond the buck twenty-nine they were spending per gallon at the time. As a clerk, I was verbally assaulted several times every day regarding this issue.
I am not going to say people were dumb because they didn’t realize there were state and federal gas taxes included in the price of gas… I can let that one go. These particular assholes actually believed I personally had something to do with all the extra money their gas would be costing them… just because you see me outside changing the sign with gas prices from time to time doesn’t mean I lead the secret cabal that dictates how much Joe Schmoe is going to have to pay at the pump.
As you might imagine, the evening when one well dressed customer asked me and my co-worker what we thought of those stickers we just let loose. We complained about the rage it through into people who didn’t quite get the concept. We bitched about how “glad we were” law makers had nothing better to do with their time and our money. We mentioned that we fantasized punching the people responsible, and that those stickers were nothing but a pain in the ass.
It was then I noticed the check this particular customer had handed me read “Campaign for State Senator…”
Oh shit.
That was when the customer mentioned he was the one who wrote that particular law.
I can't tell you how good this felt. My co-worker and I relished this one for a long time.
As for our Customer, he turned on his heel and started out the door. This was when I played my trump card, and it worked better than I could have dreamed cause it really pissed this guy off...
“Sir, I’m going to need to see some ID with this check.”
original comments
eyejay - Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?
