honesty... or something like it

My Chex Mix doesn't have and expiration date, it simply says "fresher if used by..."

Ain't that the truth.

end of the world as we know it

CNN.COM reports that a shark virgin birth is a warning to man.

Well, duh...

I got that warning loud and clear, if you need me to spell it out for you here it is: Jesus is back as a Hammerhead and he's at a Nebraska Zoo.

Now I get why he was so big on people feeding his sheep. In his current form he can munch on those fattened up sheep as tasty snacks. It all makes so much sense now.

note to self

When putting away big boxes of laundry detergent or kitty litter on shelves above your head ALWAYS keep your mouth shut. Tide or Fresh Step plus Mint Orbit gum is the opposite of yummy. Lets just say they make the worst kind of "flavor crystals."

I was wrong

I may have been a bit out of line when I made fun of Utah Republicans and their discussion of the influence Satan has over immigrants to this country.

Turns out there may be something to it.

Sheds a new perspective on the words "white devils" doesn't it?

Work Policies

We have a strict rule at S-Mart that you can't be romantically involved (if you know what I mean) with anyone you work with, which is why I can no longer in clear conscience work with my hands.

Bring on the Soylent Green

I will never be a slim guy as long as 7-11 sells their Taquitos. Nothing can stop me from eating them, they are too damn delicious. So much so, that if a bleeding and dying Chuck Heston stumbled into my house right now screaming "7-11 Taquitos are PEOPLE!" with his last breath I would walk right over and buy three more... at a discount price (they are people after all).

Why would I even bother?

You can click here if you think I am making this up.

The Utah County Republicans closed their convention debating Satan's influence on illegal immigrants. Don Larsen, chairman of legislative District 65 for the Utah County Republican Party and a guy who will clearly get my vote for "World's Biggest Douchebag," submitted a resolution warning that Satan's minions want to eliminate national borders and do away with sovereignty.

In a speech at the convention, Larsen told those gathered that illegal immigrants "hate American people" and "are determined to destroy this country, and there is nothing they won't do."

Illegal aliens are in control of the media, and working in tandem with Democrats, are trying to "destroy Christian America" and replace it with "a godless new world order -- and that is not extremism, that is fact," Larsen said.

At the end of his speech, Larsen began to cry, saying illegal immigrants were trying to bring about the destruction of the U.S. "by self invasion."

The hero (a term I use drenched in sarcasm) of the moment has to be Senator Howard Stephenson (R-Draper) who opposes the resolution and who communicated that Larsen was embarrassing the Republican Party

"I agree with 95 percent of this resolution but it has some language that is divisive and not inspiring other people to its vision," he said. "This only gives fodder to the liberal media to give negative attention to the Republican Party."

Ya think?!

All quotes come from the Daily Herald (harktheherald.com)

like I said...

When I picked up my most recent check at S-Mart the place was in ruins. That guy Ash in Housewares had blasted everything to hell protecting the store's only living hottie from what he referred to as a "deadite." I don't care if he is a badass with his chainsaw/hand and superlative one-liners, I think if they are going to promote the guy, they should do it on the basis of character and customer service skills (where he is woefully underwhelming).

But I digress...

I pick up my paycheck and attached was a card for my five year anniversary at S-mart signed by my superiors. Included was a little certificate that allows me to select from four gifts online. If you have been following my blog over the years, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

All I ever wanted was a thanks, and that's it. I appreciate the gesture but the last thing I need is a mass produced corporate card signed by people who don't know me paper clipped to my paycheck. When I say S-Mart is a soulless retailer it's supposed to be tongue in cheek.

It's just like them to wreck the joke by actually making it true.

even more fist names

If you read the comments on my blog, you might be aware that my bro was looking for a help with a fist name, and it had to be something that went with "Rosy" which is what he named his lefty. Although I can't for the life of me think of what he should name his righty (but I suspect that naming your fists is a bit like shooting your own dog) , I was initially a little disappointed that he had settled on Rosy. I thought my own brother could do better than that.

But then it occurred to me that with Rosy, he could always tell people that his left fist is "a lover and not a fighter" and now I think it might be the best fist name ever.

Good on ya, bro. I'm ever so proud!

5 Years

I passed my 5 year anniversary at S-Mart without so much as a damn word. I don't need a medal or anything like that but a "thanks" would go a hell of a long way.


I'm starting to feel invisible there.