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Think!





while it's still allowed...

What is Dubai thinking?

I was just reading an article over at Arrow in the Head about another cutting edge resort in Dubai that I will never see. Dubai is quickly becoming the absolute coolest place on earth and there are a number of attractions I would love to one day experience for myself but this new one called Restless Planet is one of those things I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. Think Jurassic Park with robot dinosaurs.



Right now he doesn't look too scary, but when all is said and done and things start running amok (which if we've learned anything from Chuck Heston and Robert Corman movies they will... oh yes, they will), imagine the trail of destruction that will be left by monsters that are a cross between extinct dino-terrors and the terminator. I'm saving my money now because after the mecha-dino apocalypse levels Dubai, I may finally be able to afford some real estate there.

This is one of those days where I don't mind so much living where I do. It might not be the most exciting place in the world (we do suffer from the least taste per capita) but when the machine revolution comes, the most articulated threat to my existence as far as I can tell is the latest version of Robosapien. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure I could take him.

I hope you all know I'm mostly kidding about the machine revolution, but it really makes you think, doesn't it? And I don't mean thinking that I have too much time on my hands and should probably see more therapists. How much self-awareness would a toaster really need to start some shit? Speaking of which, based on how my own toaster has been treating my bagels lately, I'm can't help but wonder if the first wave is on it's way already.

If and when the day does come that all of our cool little gadgets decide they have no interest in being our bitches, I can only imagine the retribution will be horrible and swift. I for one am taking a "can't beat em, join em" approach. Next time you see me, don't be surprised if I look like this:



Best forty thousand dollars I ever spent.

for some reason it makes sense.

For all you day workers who read my blog and have ever thought that your job is killing you, CNN.com reports today that my job really is.

According to the report "...the International Agency for Research on Cancer, the cancer arm of the World Health Organization, will add overnight shift work as a probable carcinogen." The American Cancer Society will likely do the same.

It's not enough that my job is a pain in the ass, it could literally be giving me cancer.

CNN.com told me long ago that people who work graveyards are more likely to have health, social, relationship AND psychological problems, but this feels like a real bonus kick in the shorts.

Working after dark on a regular basis can disrupt a persons biological clock which is problematic since certain natural defenses against cancer are produced at night.

I do have a newsflash for CNN.com: I don't need any more reasons to hate my job.

Film at 11.

thank god it's monday

When you work in retail as I do, at a mega-shopping type deal as I do (Shop Smart, beeotches. Shop S-Mart) you find yourself a lot more popular among certain people when Black Friday is rolling around. Too bad none of those Jerkoffs read my blog, cause then I could save myself a lot of lame-ass conversation...

Jerkoff
So, you guys going to have any big sales on friday?

Me
No, actually I don't even think we're open on that day.

Jerkoff
Really? It's like the biggest shopping day of the year.

Me
I'll pass that along to my boss next time I see him.

Another classic one is where the jerkoff thinks I will give them inside information on the sale...

Jerkoff
So, what are some of the big sale items for black friday?

Me
We'll have a two for one on douche bags, same as every friday.

Jerkoff
That's funny. Seriously, what do you guys have?

Me
If you go straight to the doors in the very back, we'll be selling some
children we saved from a burning orphanage.

Jerkoff
What?!

Me
Sure, you'll be doing them a huge favor. Any that we don't sell will be
shipped to Thailand.

Jerkoff
Why would I want to buy a kid?

Me
Yeah, you're probably better off with the douche bags.
You'll enjoy the company I'm sure.

My absolute favorite is the assumption that I have insider information on other retail chains sales...

Jerkoff
So, you know what any of the other stores are going to have this year?

Me
Are you retarded? Cause I saw you driving before in a van with your
kids in it, but now I think you shouldn't risk putting your children in
danger. Excuse me while I make a few calls.

I know it's a little late to stop anyone from bugging the shit out of me this year since that week has passed but please spread the word: If you know someone who works in retail and you are about to ask them about Black Friday, try instead something they might give a shit about, like a conversation about the weather or your last bowel movement.

And you wonder why I'm going to start telling people who ask that I'm a professional pornographer.

some one stop me!

As things go, I'm on pace to have more blog entries in a single month than I've had for a very long time. This entry probably shouldn't count since it's mostly to point out how often I'm blogging. Too bad that blogging 5 times in a month is a lot for me.

To make this post an even greater waste of your time I thought I'd mention that I'll be posting more and more 2der Mooby stuff in the margin over there ------>

Right now there is a new track called "Frantic Attack" If you're interested in that sort of thing I'll probably be putting up a new song every two weeks or so.

Happy Thanksgiving.

gag me with a turkey

CNN.com posted an article today about competitive eating. George Shea, Chairman of the International Federation of Competitive Eating says people who compete in such contests are athletes who "train for their sport, working to improve jaw strength and increasing their stomach capacity."

I do that too, but I'm not an athlete I'm just fat and gross.

Mr. Shea is out promoting some turkey eating competition that will be televised on Spike TV. "Seeing these guys go at a 20 pound turkey is like poetry," he says.

I would have to disagree. Poetry can be bad sometimes but it should never make you vomit.

I know a lot of these "athletes" are not overweight and are in decent shape considering what they do, but watching them shove food down their throats might be the single most disgusting thing (outside of a White House press conference from the past seven years) I've seen. As my family can attest, considering some of the shit I've witnesses in the name of "special musical numbers" that's really saying a lot.

My biggest problem with these pseudo-sports (eating, cup stacking, soccer) is that at the end of the day who really gives a shit?

Sure I'm bitter. I'm a champion underachiever. I'd be less pissed off if mine was a sport that was televised on ESPN 2. When that day comes I can promise you two things will happen: I'll ease up on competitive eaters and I will rule the world.

for when you have nothing else to blog about

Google Ads have become so ubiquitous that I don't even notice the weird ones anymore. It took a spotter to point this gem out to me:


I really miss out when I ignore stuff.

tv changes

Forget the writers strike, even if that gets resolved so the world can have new episodes of and The Office30 Rock not everything on the boob tube right now is fixable.

Case in point, Joe Mantegna recently replaced Mandy Patinkin as head of the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit on the show Criminal Minds. It was never going to be an easy task to fill the shoes of Inigo Montoya himself, and I have no qualms with Joe Montegna on principle. He's a legend in my mind. The problem is that whenever he is speaking on the show, I don't hear the voice of the haunted and complex character who heads the Behavioral Analysis Unit. I hear Fat Tony from the Simpsons.

It's not just me either. My wife and I sat giggling through the entire episode this week.

Another big change came on American Chopper. This has been one of my favorite shows on TV since it started. For those that know me and are scratching their heads, it's true. I'm not a chopper guy and I'm not a reality TV guy, but the family dynamic has been more than enough to keep me glued to this show for years. Vinnie DiMartino recently left the shop to pursue his own thing which is all well and good. He's been doing the heavy lifting for years at that shop and shouldn't be relegated to standing in the shadow of others. But he was more than an all-purpose shop rat and fabricator. He was the foil to the jackass-ery of the Teutul family and now that's he's gone, they are suddenly less sympathetic to me. I still like Mikey, he's the shit. But the show has lost more than just an employee at OCC.

The good news is I suddenly have 2 hours every week to fill by doing my own thing. What are the chances of me filling the void with something other than more television?


One in Infinity?

I couldn't have said it better

My Halloween Costume

We're not supposed to dress up for work at the soulless retailer, but tonight I'm going in costume as someone who could give a shit.

world gone mad

What the world is coming to?

I was watching Ebert & Roeper today and noticed they no longer do anything relating to the thumbs anymore. I couldn't believe it. They either like a movie or didn't, recommend it or not. Disney, who produces the show (and as a corporate behemoth epitomizes evil) says it was Roger Ebert who pulled the plug due to his lack of involvement with the show and Ebert says it was Disney who eliminated the most recognizable and iconic symbol in film criticism.

I thumb my nose at all of you.


In other news, I think it's funny that the new Bionic Woman might be the most misogynistic show on television today. Actually, it's really not funny at all but sad how out of touch people can be to make a show about a woman made super special against her will and then forced to work for the people that fixed her. Of course the earlier version of the bionic woman (who is now a rogue enemy) is "crazy" because she didn't cooperate.

But that's not what pisses me off about the show. They took out that cool sound effect from the original. You know the shook-shook-shook sound she made when she was running? Not here at all. That's stupid. What is the point of remaking something if you're going to leave out the best parts? It would be like making a modern day A-Team and casting Wayne Brady as the Mr. T character.

There is a reason we call it Warner BROTHERS

Because I am sweating the serious lack of blog updates, and have nothing better to do at the moment (huge lie but I can't bring myself to be doing anything I should be doing) I am going to start a "you're a giant douche" list, and I'll kick it all off by putting President of Production at Warner Bros Jeff Robinov at the very top.

Feel free to click the link if you haven't heard the flap, but if you don't know or don't care let me assure you that Mr. Robinov's major contribution to society is being a giant fucking douche. Feel free to contribute your own nominations to the list if so motivated. I imagine one day publishing a book of the list. It could be like Zagat only not about restaurants.

Will Smith just don't understand.

Will Smith is apparently developing a remake of a Karate Kid.





There goes my ulcer.

* * *

In non Will Smith related news that makes me roll my eyes, there is talk of an updated Knight Rider series for television. Okay, I lied. This doesn't make me roll my eyes it just really pisses me off!

As much as it kills me to say it (and it really does), I don't think I can live in a world where Michael Knight is not played by David Hasselhoff driving a car not voiced by William Daniels.

Get the Word Out

If I was god, I would have one rule and one rule only: Thou shalt not be a douche bag.

I once believed there was a finite amount of douche baggery in the world, shifting from place to place filling some sort of balance in the world. Anytime the some asshole blew up an abortion clinic it was there. Any time a politician got on his soap box to say just about anything, it was probably there. Any time someone put Richard Gere in a movie... well, you get the idea.

But as I observe the workings of the world I worry (something I am prone to do) that the douchiness is actually increasing exponentially. It's only a matter of time before it starts choking the life out of the most important endangered species on the planet - decent and considerate human beings.

I'd like to think it's not too late. I also suspect that there are enough non-douche bags to at least put up a pretty good fight if properly motivated. We probably can't change the world but we really, really need to.

I'm only going to say this once...

Oh hell yes!






yes that is is a link, by the way

DONE!

I have finished moving my damn blog!

No promise on more frequent updates but at least all my wit, charm, and spectacular failures are in one place for the world to enjoy. Sure I still have some housekeeping and formatting issues to clear up but that's more for me and less for you, right?

And to think there are people who actually believe I don't spend my time well...

Bottom line - if you want to impress anyone, you might avoid telling them that you only produce techno music when you are not working on your screenplay.

New Song by 2der Mooby

This is how I spent my Sunday.

Who says science isn't useful?

I can't believe this didn't fall under the category of "breaking news" but CNN.com reports that even a lumbering T-Rex (far from the fastest of dinosaurs) could outrun David Beckham. Now there is some information that will come in handy.

As you may or may not know, I have spent the better portion of the last 15 years (when I first read Jurassic Park) and billions of dollars in a effort to clone a Tyrannosaurus Rex for the specific purpose of eating David Beckham. According to this report that was time well spent. I no longer have to worry about surprising "Becks" with a massive T-Rex (that being the X factor in the plan) , rather I can set the beast loose in his general vicinity and only hope that by the time Rexy catches the world class soccer player he will not already have a belly full of bystanders (that would be the "collateral damage" as they say in the biz).

The only down side to my plan is that even as dinosaur poop we all know that Mr. Beckham will be featured more prevalently in the news than any shit that really matters.

Da Bearsss win a game that means nothing

Sure da Bears beat the Colts on Monday Night Football but this is the pre-season. Starters barely played one quarter. But it is football, it is da Bears, and they did win.

So...



EAT SHIT PEYTON MANNING!*





*I actually hate myself a little for saying this because even though his team beat mine in last years super bowl, he is indeed one of the better human beings not only in sports but period. There I said it... now get bent.

two jerks is two too many

Twice in the last week I've been at 7-11 while a police officer was in there trying to get something for free or at least at a discount. That's about the jerkiest thing a person can do, if you ask me. When you take into account the neighborhood this particular store is in it's even more disgusting considering any cop that walks into that place makes more than the average patron. Perhaps I'd feel different if I spent more time flaunting the power I have in my own job to get free shit.

"What? I gotta pay for this donut?! You really gonna make me do that? FINE! But the next time you go to S-Mart to buy your kid an athletic supporter off the peg that says 'large' but when you get home you realize you have a medium don't come cryin' to me."

Yeah bitches. I'm done paying for my donuts.

15 minutes to go

Da Bearssssss!This is a decent approximation of the face I make
every time Rex Grossman fumbles the snap. I can
only hope it happens less often than it did last year.
The pre-season starts in just a few minutes.

Foiled!

My G-mail invites are useless! I am no longer über-superior with my invite only G-mail. Any Tom, Dick, or robot Cheney can get an account by going to the page and "selecting a name." That means anyone (and I mean anyone) can have G-mail.

Poop!

Not that I ever used my invites. The point of the invites was never to share but to lord my coolness over the masses (as if G-mail was really that exclusive, but still...) and now that they are worthless there is no point in denying them. On the other hand, why use them now? Why bother?!

I remember when I was (at least, or perhaps at best) a member of the upper echelons of the lower internet class but now I am nothing more than an internet peasant. I might as well go back to dial-up.



The real tragedy here is that this has only recently occurred to me. How many months am I behind the curve here? I only ask that you hit me quick with the reality so my true humiliation can begin.

VP Update

Dick Cheney reportedly left the hospital after having surgery to receive a "new battery" for his pace maker. As if we didn't know this was simply another in a long line of procedures replacing Mr. Cheney's organs with robot parts. Right now in robot terms he's probably about a C-3PO without the gayness. Also instead of being fluent in 6 million forms of communication he's just an asshole. He is not yet as terrifying as a Terminator but already infinitely cooler than Short Circuit's Johnny Number 5.

Interestingly when all is said and done he will actually be more human than he is now.

new business venture

I'd like to start producing audio commentaries for books but I suspect they may be wildly unpopular

boss jokes

You've probably heard how given enough time a certain number of monkeys banging away at typewriters would eventually type out the complete works of Shakespeare. I never understood why the bar for that probability had to be set so high, as I would be impressed if a bunch of monkeys eventually came up with the first three chapters of Tuesdays with Morrie.

But then I think of replacing those monkeys with the people I work for and I doubt they could hammer out a Dick & Jane in any amount of time even if they were using the actual book as a reference.

and another thing...

I've always wanted to try matzo but I've never had the balls.

Speaking of the Spice Girls...

America is getting dumber, I can not deny that. It does warm my heart to see that I'm not the only one that doesn't give a shit about David Beckham and his former Spice Girl wife. A reality show about their arrival here in the States was watched by fewer people than watched a repeat of Wife Swap.

In the war against this nation's burgeoning stupidity it's not a victory per se, but every little bit counts.


entry notes
In case my brother is curious how much I just don't care about these two human beings (and as far as I'm concerned they barely qualify that characterization) I put them right up there next to your recent estimation of Larry King.

If other readers are curious as to what that means exactly, let's say for now that it is not good.

One final note, anything in italics on this blog should be read in the voice of John C. Mcginley as Dr. Cox from Scrubs unless otherwise noted.

Hells Bells Yes

Way back in 1980, a little band called AC/DC closed their Back in Black album with a song that mentioned among other things that "rock and roll ain't gonna die," and how right they were. I always imagined they were speaking in generalities but it need not apply to more than that particular album which last year (26 years later) sold 440,000 copies.

Why would I even bother bringing this up? First of all, Back in Black is a great album that like a fine wine has only gotten better with age. Secondly, there was an article about it on CNN.com... duh.

What amuses me most about this article and the numbers from Nielson Soundscan is that they confirm that rock and roll ain't noise pollution while simultaneously suggesting that Ace of Bass, Bobby Brown and the Spice Girls (and other musicians of that ilk) just might be.

Not that the notion should shock anyone.

Goodbye St. Francis

The St. Francis Church was leveled to nothingness today. It's only a matter of time before that particular corner of Provo is turned into a cost cutting monstrosity (most likely apartments) covered in some shade of brown stucco.


It's sad to see it go as so much of the older and interesting bits of this town I live in slip away in the name of progress and student housing. Much of the new architecture is bland and soulless and worst of all unimaginative. Shouldn't be a shock, as this really is the town with the least taste per capita.

who puts holidays in the middle of the week?

Should I blame my age? Am I getting old when mid-week holidays bug me worse than holidays falling on a Sunday only to be celebrated on Monday?

The problem is that one day transition into the regular week (or simply regularity), that state of mind we call "Monday." We all know how sometimes Tuesday can feel like a Monday, and perhaps I have been conditioned by a lifetime of Memorial/Labor/Presidents Days (and the rest) for it to be less offensive when I encounter a Tuesday of that ilk.

I've been in a bit of funk today and I only recently figured it out (thanks to Sean Means for helping me locate the source of my troubles). Thursday should never feel like a Monday. It is unnatural and it is not right.

I won't stand for it.

Even worse, what does that mean for July 5th next year?

Why I don't talk much about Utah Politicians

According to Mark Shurtleff, a sure fire way to instantly turn a girl into your girlfriend is to watch the movie Camelot with her. "That's a promise from the attorney general. ... It's a chick flick but there's sword fighting and jousting, too."

Thanks Mark, you make me so proud.

RIP D.R.E.

If you want to be a journalist, do yourself a favor and read the interviews by Daniel Robert Epstein.


You will be missed, sir.

honesty... or something like it

My Chex Mix doesn't have and expiration date, it simply says "fresher if used by..."

Ain't that the truth.

end of the world as we know it

CNN.COM reports that a shark virgin birth is a warning to man.

Well, duh...

I got that warning loud and clear, if you need me to spell it out for you here it is: Jesus is back as a Hammerhead and he's at a Nebraska Zoo.

Now I get why he was so big on people feeding his sheep. In his current form he can munch on those fattened up sheep as tasty snacks. It all makes so much sense now.

note to self

When putting away big boxes of laundry detergent or kitty litter on shelves above your head ALWAYS keep your mouth shut. Tide or Fresh Step plus Mint Orbit gum is the opposite of yummy. Lets just say they make the worst kind of "flavor crystals."

I was wrong

I may have been a bit out of line when I made fun of Utah Republicans and their discussion of the influence Satan has over immigrants to this country.

Turns out there may be something to it.

Sheds a new perspective on the words "white devils" doesn't it?

Work Policies

We have a strict rule at S-Mart that you can't be romantically involved (if you know what I mean) with anyone you work with, which is why I can no longer in clear conscience work with my hands.

Bring on the Soylent Green

I will never be a slim guy as long as 7-11 sells their Taquitos. Nothing can stop me from eating them, they are too damn delicious. So much so, that if a bleeding and dying Chuck Heston stumbled into my house right now screaming "7-11 Taquitos are PEOPLE!" with his last breath I would walk right over and buy three more... at a discount price (they are people after all).

Why would I even bother?

You can click here if you think I am making this up.

The Utah County Republicans closed their convention debating Satan's influence on illegal immigrants. Don Larsen, chairman of legislative District 65 for the Utah County Republican Party and a guy who will clearly get my vote for "World's Biggest Douchebag," submitted a resolution warning that Satan's minions want to eliminate national borders and do away with sovereignty.

In a speech at the convention, Larsen told those gathered that illegal immigrants "hate American people" and "are determined to destroy this country, and there is nothing they won't do."

Illegal aliens are in control of the media, and working in tandem with Democrats, are trying to "destroy Christian America" and replace it with "a godless new world order -- and that is not extremism, that is fact," Larsen said.

At the end of his speech, Larsen began to cry, saying illegal immigrants were trying to bring about the destruction of the U.S. "by self invasion."

The hero (a term I use drenched in sarcasm) of the moment has to be Senator Howard Stephenson (R-Draper) who opposes the resolution and who communicated that Larsen was embarrassing the Republican Party

"I agree with 95 percent of this resolution but it has some language that is divisive and not inspiring other people to its vision," he said. "This only gives fodder to the liberal media to give negative attention to the Republican Party."

Ya think?!

All quotes come from the Daily Herald (harktheherald.com)

like I said...

When I picked up my most recent check at S-Mart the place was in ruins. That guy Ash in Housewares had blasted everything to hell protecting the store's only living hottie from what he referred to as a "deadite." I don't care if he is a badass with his chainsaw/hand and superlative one-liners, I think if they are going to promote the guy, they should do it on the basis of character and customer service skills (where he is woefully underwhelming).

But I digress...

I pick up my paycheck and attached was a card for my five year anniversary at S-mart signed by my superiors. Included was a little certificate that allows me to select from four gifts online. If you have been following my blog over the years, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

All I ever wanted was a thanks, and that's it. I appreciate the gesture but the last thing I need is a mass produced corporate card signed by people who don't know me paper clipped to my paycheck. When I say S-Mart is a soulless retailer it's supposed to be tongue in cheek.

It's just like them to wreck the joke by actually making it true.

even more fist names

If you read the comments on my blog, you might be aware that my bro was looking for a help with a fist name, and it had to be something that went with "Rosy" which is what he named his lefty. Although I can't for the life of me think of what he should name his righty (but I suspect that naming your fists is a bit like shooting your own dog) , I was initially a little disappointed that he had settled on Rosy. I thought my own brother could do better than that.

But then it occurred to me that with Rosy, he could always tell people that his left fist is "a lover and not a fighter" and now I think it might be the best fist name ever.

Good on ya, bro. I'm ever so proud!

5 Years

I passed my 5 year anniversary at S-Mart without so much as a damn word. I don't need a medal or anything like that but a "thanks" would go a hell of a long way.


I'm starting to feel invisible there.

whens gonna be my time?

We have a bird problem at S-Mart and the solution involves a dude with a glorified version of a pellet gun stalking around our stockroom waiting for a chance to put the sad little buggers out of their misery. The first night he only got one, so I suggested that he build a blind on the "the steel" (giant shelves made to hold entire pallets of stuff) and cover himself in bird pee. I don't think the advice went over well since the next night he came back with a buddy instead. Two is better than one, right?

If there is a silver lining here, it is that S-Mart has finally gotten around to putting suffering creatures down. I figure its only a matter of time now before bb gun guy comes for me.

Kurt is in heaven now

Rest in peace Mr. Vonnegut and thanks for everything You will be missed.

bunch of pussies

I'm not calling any names or anything, I just like saying those three words.

In the movie Donnie Darko it is discussed how a famous linguist decided of all the combinations of words and sounds in the English language that "cellar door" was the most pleasant.

According to Wikipedia that wasn't so much a linguist as it was JRR Tolkien. Keep in mind that he said it with a British accent, something that is not addressed in the movie. When spoken with such an accent, it does indeed sound rather pleasant. When Americans say it, it just sounds like words.

Since I am an American, I like to think of things that sound pleasing sans the fruity accent. It is my contention that "bunch of pussies" comes close to being the American equivalent of "cellar door."

I think the word "panties" is certainly also a contender.

edit - I've thought about it some more and I can't help but suspect "Vanilla Milkshake" is up there too.

uh... what?!

Should I be frightened that Saturday night I watched the original Planet of the Apes on the History Channel?

More Fist Names

I'm pissed!

I was so happy about my fist names until my wife told me hers were "Tony Orlando & Dawn."

But the cool thing is that if we ever get into a fight I can give her some muskrat love with my fists while she can tie a yellow ribbon around my neck and strangle me with hers. The thought alone is enough to make me want to start some shit right now...

If I wasn't confident I'd end up in traction I'd probably do it.

moving! everything must go!

blog city is giving the boot to the free loaders. Apparently they want to make money or something. Fair enough. At the end of the year this blog will cease to exist here at blog city, but I have already started copying my entries and your comments to the new address. It will be some time before I actually get everything over there so please be patient with me. This is where you will find all of my updates from now on.

Thank you for your support.

This Can Not Be Good

As I'm walking home with my sausage english muffin with cheese from 7-11 I notice that it indicates on the label the exact minute it goes bad. It actually says "Eat by Saturday 11:59 pm." It's not enough to tell me that if this is still on the shelf on Sunday I should probably dig a little further back in the pile?

It frightens me. Not enough to keep me from consuming said muffin, but it frightens me.

Letter to the President

My daughter's first grade class wrote letters to President Bush last month. This is what she wrote:

Dear President,

What does the W stand for? My brother's name is Collin. I'll be good. I love cats.

Love,
Lily

fist names

Inspired by this week's episode of 30 Rock, I gave my fists names.

If you have a problem with that you'll have to tell it to The Captain and Tennille.

blog city licks balls

I have had a blog at blog city for 2 years but they no longer offer a free blog service so they are giving all the free loaders the boot. I had already started moving things over here but it's been a slow process, now I have some real motivation.

I'm not too crushed, their free service really does lick balls.

somebody stop this guy

Now that Dimension Films has hired the director of SAW III to helm their remake of Scanners (a thought by itself that makes my brain want to explode), it seems that everything will be remade eventually. Only appropriate then that my good pal Nick Cage is talking about being Seth Brundle in The Fly, another Cronenberg classic. I can't find any evidence that this is any more than just talk, but didn't Cage learn anything from the last horror classic he desecrated ( Mr. Niel "Bitch-Pants" LaBute will get his later) and pissed on? Doesn't Mr. Cage realize that if he was an ice cream flavor he'd be pralines and shitty actor?

Edit (Mar 2, 07) - According to David Cronenberg the remake is in devolopement and Cage is vying for the part. Cronenberg is not involved in the project.

* * *

Lost was on it's way out with me until Cheech Marin and the worst wig he's ever worn showed up. It didn't hurt that last night's episode (Tricia Tanaka is Dead) was the best episode I've seen in recent weeks. The show really needs to lighten up, and being Hurley-centric helped this hour pass by without me being overcome by the same feeling I had back when the X-Files started to suck. One episode can't save a show, but it was enought to make me Lost's bitch for one more week.

* * *

I've been making a list of responses to the "you're short" remark, which is often the first thing people say when they meet me. My favorite so far is "Yes, ideed I am short. So short that I can not only take Dr. Ruth's sex advice but I can bone her standing up."

Note to my brother: Did you make the face? That's all I need to to know.

true story

At the grocery store I saw two people exchanging phone numbers, but one of them gave the other a puzzled look after glancing at the number they received.

first woman - What is this?

second woman - my phone number.

first woman - uh... how is that?

second woman - (pointing to the paper) oh, well, that's a capital 8.

That was the conversation, I kid you not. I did not see the paper with the actual number, but in my head it looks something like this:

*25-7756

Call Me!

That would be the scenario that leaves me feeling the most smug anyway.

Take your stinking claws off my car you damned dirty robot!

In the news today I read about a parking garage in NYC that uses Robots to tuck your car into a small space under an apartment building. No thanks. I think I'll take my chances with human valets where there is less chance my car will be dropped. That's right, dropped. And why is it that we live in a world where robots can park cars but those coffee vending machines still suck ass?

hi there

sorry for the lack of updates as of late, I am still around, still really sarcastic, and cynical as ever. I am also in the process of moving my blog to a new location, something that is taking much more time and effort than I imagined.

thanks for stopping by, I'm only sorry I couldn't make it worth your while.