someone explain this stuff to me

More and more at the grocery store I get things that come in a resealable package. I think that's great. Less time I have to spend finding a container to put crap in or messing with so-called cling wrap. But why is it that when I buy five Johnsonville Stadium Brats, I get the built in zip lock but that option isn't available on the 20 pack? Wouldn't it make more sense on the 20 pack? I've never needed it on the 5 pack.

I recently bought some socks that came with the zip lock built in. I don't get it. Are there people who go home and don't dump all of their new socks out of the bag and into their sock drawer? Am I missing out in life because I have thrown away the opportunity to keep my socks freshly sealed?

And finally, is it me or is "Aryan" the worst name you could give a little girl? I kid you not, there is a child in one of my kids classes with this name. I've never bumped into her parents while picking my own kids up from school, but I have a sneaking suspicion that they should be easy to spot in a crowd.

another dreaded 2der Mooby update

I've been working on this one for about 4 years now. Even though I've had a few versions available on my soundclick.com page for most of that time, it has always been missing a key element that I had desperately wanted to play with as part of this song. What you'll find here is my first attempt at "scratching." Since I don't scratch, this most recent version is the culmination of years of searching for samples that I was satisfied with and slicing them up into something that worked with what I already had, and at the same time could be a fair representation of what was in my head. It took 4 different computer programs and uncountable missteps to get to this point. This has always been one of my favorite projects, and now I'm happy to say I'm almost there.

TV is evil when it sucks

I just saw a commercial that told me to tune into this weeks America's Top Model because this episode would make history.

I was under the impression that the show already made history on a weekly basis. Every episode that airs is the moment where we can actually quantify how much dumber the world has become since the week before. We know the dumbness is increasing, because the show is still on the air.

I bring this on myself

For some reason, every time I need a grocery store on Sunday, my brain blocks out the fact that there is one just a few blocks up the road. There must be a black spot in my mind when it comes to Sunday shopping since I never even consider that it is there and I end up driving a block or two more to a store that keeps pissing me off. After what happened today I'd like to think that this was the last straw, but I know next time I need relish and buns or something to knock down a kids fever or whatever might be the next best thing to the beer I can't buy on Sunday I will find myself in this same boat...

Sunday in September means I've got a few Optimators chilling in the fridge and my sweet wife will at some point start cooking the brats. That's right, it's game day and I always watch da Bears (or listen as the case often is) with a light beer buzz (not from light beer though, I don't drink that shit) and a belly full of some sort of sausage type product. Preferably Polish, but I don't mind mixing it up.

This time I found myself without a few necessities for my meal at the last minute so I hopped in the car and drove to Albertsons. That was my first mistake. I quickly rounded up what I needed and got in the line to pay and get the hell out.

To set the stage, I got in the one line where the one person who was checking was working. I skipped the self checkout line even though I could have walked right up to any one of several stations. In case you know nothing about me, I detest the self checkout craze that is the new thing in grocery stores. I don't care to take a shit on the grave of a folk hero no matter how mythical he may be, plus there are some philosophical issues that I could discuss but might derail this story so I won't at this time.

I'm the third person in line, and it's going to be a while. Not because the two people ahead of me have a lot of stuff, but the cashier happens to be one of those people that seems to be surprised and or impressed by every item he or she rings up. Annoying yes, but I'd rather be helped by a batshit human being with a pulse than a cold unfeeling, uncaring machine any day.

After 5 minutes or so, an employee taps me on the shoulder and asks if she can help me at the self checkout. I decline but she insists it will be so much faster. I'd rather not sacrifice a piece of my humanity even if it means a few more seconds or even several minutes. But she insists again and since I didn't have my pepper spray or tazer with me I gave in. This was my second mistake.

As she presses the touch screen and invites me to enter my phone number (you know, cause I don't carry around that stupid key chain with my discount club information) I feel like I have to do something to make up for this inexcusable moral comprise I've made. And before I think about whether its a good idea or not my mouth is moving and the words are coming out. This was my third, final and damning mistake.

"I hate self checkout," I say under my breath.

"Uh... what?" she says.

"I hate self checkout," louder this time.

"But you're not checking yourself out, I'm doing it."

And then it got ugly. Arms flailing, I probably spit on somebody at some point, but something snapped and I couldn't be stopped. "No, you're not helping me, you're (and here I do the air quotes) 'teaching me' so next time I'll feel comfortable doing this. I don't avoid self check out because I don't know how to do it, it's because I hate it and I think it's stupid."

After that it was a matter of me getting the hell out of there, cause I was that crazy guy in the grocery store. I immediately felt bad because I could have stood my ground and stayed in the first line but I didn't because I'm a pussy and someone was just trying to be nice. And to be honest, I wish I could have been a little more articulate. Oooh if only I could have had that last sentence I shouted back.

Conflicted now as I was leaving the store, when I saw that a cart attendant had jammed the carts he was bringing back into the store in the doors so badly that they were not only stuck but there were several people standing behind him waiting to enter the store (why they didn't just walk in the out door I don't know), I didn't hesitate to act. I grabbed the problem cart and yanked it free and helped the kid right the ship (if a ship is 6 or 7 shopping carts) and the day was saved.

By me.

Too bad I couldn't salvage my dignity, but I figure I was at least starting to make up for being a massive tool.

Then again, that jackass cart boy didn't say thanks...

another real conversation

This is the sort of thing that makes me wish I didn't have ears. This is a convesation that took place between two employees of the S-mart that also happens to employ my sorry ass.

Guy - Hey, a bunch of us are going to get high and go see Pineapple Express. You coming with us?
Girl - uh... I don't get high.
Guy - Yeah neither do we but we got a whole case of Red Bull and we're all going to drink as much as we can before we go see the movie.
Girl - Cool!