Thursday, June 30, 2005

CNN is on my list

It really frustrates me that media outlets are providing total crap and trying to pawn it of on the "consumer" as NEWS. A perfect example would be this little story from CNN.com, who have been notified that they are on my list:

Representatives for both B Affleck and J Garner confirmed the marriage to The Associated Press on Thursday. The publicists, Ken Sunshine and Nicole King, also for the first time confirmed that Garner is pregnant with her first child.

Who cares? If you are a person who considers this news, then you can be counted with the stupid people that are ruining this country. On the other hand, hooray for you since you don't have to wait for the next issue of PEOPLE magazine to get this hard-hitting story. I know the suspense would have killed you.

In case you haven't figured this out yet I can lay it down for you right here. I hate celebrities. Most "actors" in Hollywood films are untalented pretty faces who for the most part are big freakin idiots. I don't care who they date or what they wear. I don't want to hear their political views. I don't even want them to be reproducing but since I have little power over that I sure as hell don't want to know about it when they are.

I don't care if you are "method" all the way. I don't care if you were trained at Julliard. I don't care if you do your own stunts. Big deal! There is no way you are worth the millions you get paid. No fucking way!

Get out of my news and get out of my face. Celebrities are such a waste I want to kick the ass of anyone who even acknowledges their existence... especially little, bitter bloggers.

Oh yeah, and CNN why don't you report some damn news! I know it’s out there.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

who am I supposed to believe

In the today I see a headline that reads:

NASA Chief: 'We're ready to go'

Only moments later I read another headline that says:

Panel: NASA falls short on safety points

I'm really concerned. I'm looking at what could very well be two conflicting news stories. The media is at it again! What am I supposed to think about this? Its not like I can blame the left wing media for one and the right for the other since I got them both on CNN.com which, as you probably know, is Whig from top to bottom.

How can I resolve this? Worse, who am I supposed to believe? The NASA Chief, steely-eyed bureaucrat if I ever saw one, or the "PANEL?" If you know anything about me you know I can never trust a panel. They're almost as bad as committees.

The worst part is that seeing these two headlines side by side I have to reconsider the pitfall of only reading the headlines. At first glance, it certainly appears that we may have two conflicting stories and opinions regarding one issue. But how can I be certain? How do I know that the NASA chief isn't talking about Swiss Steak Day in the cafeteria? Perhaps the panel is simply criticizing the much maligned janitorial staff at the Space Agency, which still refuses to spend a few bucks on those "slippery when wet" signs to post after mopping.

The only way I can ever be sure is take that last step--journey to that final frontier—and finally read a news story as opposed to only reading the headlines, followed by wild speculation...

In other words, I guess I'll never know.

Monday, June 27, 2005

life lessons - only twinkies that are swallowed will be counted

I often bag on my job at the soulless retailer but I have to admit that working there has taught me a number of valuable lessons.

For the most part, these lessons are very personal so I'm not going to talk about them here. I'm going to keep them to myself until I have my Tea Stand and can impart the wisdom like a Zen monk.

There is one thing I that I can not keep to myself. It's the kind of thing everyone (or the three and a half people who read my blog) needs to know today before it is way too late... a little ditty I like to call Rule Number Four.

Monday, June 20, 2005

thanks dimitri

My favorite comedian in the world is a guy named Dimitri Martin. Besides being an outstanding stand up comic he has been a contributing writer on Late Night with Conan, and The Daily Show.

If you don't know who he is or wonder why I think he's so great, here's a taste:

Sometimes I wonder if there is a person who is the worlds greatest tambourine player. Then I wonder if that guy is that much better than the worlds worst tambourine player… and how they both compare to a guy that’s really good at shaking stuff

married to a smart ass

As I was working on my blog one day, I asked my wife if usually was spelled with two l's.

She gave me that look, said "usually," and went back to what she was doing.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

boy you sure got a potty mouth

There is a new report out on the mysterious diarrhea that is striking an alarming number of climbers on Mt McKinley. Whoever wrote this is going to hear from the International Board of Scientists who don’t use the word “Poo” in Medical Reports.

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (Reuters) -- Mountaineers who ascend North America's loftiest peak are often brought down to earth by "virus-laden poo" left behind by previous climbers, a medical report says.

Is it me or are medical reports less “formal” than they used to be?

Friday, June 10, 2005

tales from the dark side

I was with my bud after we had dropped his girlfriend off from school. She lived in a classy neighborhood with these monstrous houses. As we drove down the street one house in particular stood out and I wondered out loud who would live in such a place.

"uh..." my friend hesitated before revealing the best news I had ever heard. "Marie Osmond lives there."

That was too much. Armed with such information... how could I possibly escape the trappings of youth?
What would you do?


We toilet papered the place.


As grand as I remember this being, we only got part of the front porch and one fence. The yard had not been landscaped yet so there was only this spindly little tree in the front.

Get a few beers in me and it sounds like I was storming the beach at Normandy:

Tex is down!”

“Help me, Sarge!”

“We can’t leave a man behind!”


I know it didn’t happen quite like that… But I still toilet papered Marie Osmond's house.

Wednesday, June 8, 2005

worries of mine

Years ago my wife gave me a T-shirt that read "Can't Sleep, Clowns Will Eat Me." Not only is it funny by itself besides being a not so obscure Simpsons reference, its funny for me since I am an insomniac with a propensity to worry. I’m sure that by now, this revelation is utterly shocking. And yes, that is your Sarcasma-Tron 5400 that just blew up while overloading, setting your curtains on fire.


Why do I worry? Firstly, it is my genetic predisposition. Secondly, I would stop worrying but I wonder who on earth would pick up the slack.


You see, I don't waste a lot of time worrying about stupid shit. Truth is its a scary world out there and someone has to remain vigilant. Why not me? I will gladly take this burden on myself. I'm going to worry anyway, right? And I promise I am only spending my time worrying about really important shit, like:


· when I flush the urinal it will spray pee in my face, even if I am not facing the urinal at the moment of flushing

· I might accidentally watch an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger

· I could develop a bizarre attraction to spiny fish

· my best friend might really, really love a song by the Backstreet Boys

· the new Dean Koontz book might NOT chronicle the perils of a writer being stalked by a villain with a high metabolism that allows him to eat as much junk food as he wants and never lose his sexy evil physique

· I could watch Pat Robertson in an interview and not hate his guts

· Fox News might actually be fair and balanced

· I'm going to pull up to a streetlight, it will turn purple and I will sit in shame not knowing what to do while people honk and point at me

· God not only answers the prayers of athletes in need of a 53 yard field goal with three seconds to spare, but such prayers are rushed to the front of the queue

· the Heathrow baggage retrieval system might not be up to snuff

· bacon causes cancer

· Michael Bay has been channeling Stanley Kubrik... since Bad Boys

· Yale President Richard Levin will discover who I really am and where I live and that some day he will show up on my doorstep to give me the grammatically correct ass-kicking I've got coming

· Prince might become a Unitarian thus shaming me into becoming something else.

· "the choice of a new generation" is actually RC Cola

· if by chance there is a Heaven and by some miracle I manage to make it there Jesus won't be able to tell me what’s going on in Lost.

· the words "thusly" and "fancy" (fancy as a verb) are going to catch on and there is nothing I can do to stop it.


If I don’t agonize over these pressing and universal issues, who will?


And you wonder why I can't sleep...

Friday, June 3, 2005

oh brother

Dark Horizons (from Screen Daily) reports:

Atmosphere Entertainment and Relativity Media have announced that the first picture to go into production for their joint venture genre label Chiller Films will be a remake of Joe Dante's 1978 horror hit "Piranha"

"We felt that Piranha is the perfect genre picture for us to do," Atmosphere chief Mark Canton said in a statement. "It's a classic horror thriller with high-end talent attached and with all of the ingredients to deliver a plethora of scares."

"I first had the idea to remake Piranha about three years ago, right before the current horror film resurgence," IPW chairman Marc Toberoff added. "That one word tells a story evoking universal fear. I've always felt that death by piranha was much more horrifying than death by shark."

Basically what they are saying is that they had the idea to remake a movie before anyone else started making remakes... Only problem is that they haven't even put their original idea of "remaking" into production and by the time this comes out it will probably be the last an with any luck when this film rolls into theaters even the stupid people in this country will be screaming for originality.

Whatever.

Thursday, June 2, 2005

shut the fuck up, Don!

The current administration continues its ongoing policy to make me ashamed to be an American.

I am so sick of all the lies, deflections, and double standards, but mostly I am sick of the perversion of all that is decent and good by those who run this country and I am sick of being surrounded by the idiots who are helped by Bush policies the least yet still manage to be his most rapidly loyal supporters.

If you support the current administration you are an idiot.

These are the people that would have you believe that being a patriot is falling into line, turning a blind eye, and keeping your mouth shut. In what world is that a patriot?

And if you can really look around at what is going on in our country today and not be wretchedly ill, then you are a really big fucking idiot.

In the news today comes the latest in a series of denials of the Amnesty International report regarding human rights violations at Guantanamo Bay. This time from Donald Rumsfeld.

"To compare the United States and Guantanamo Bay to such atrocities cannot be excused," he said. "Free societies depend on oversight, and they welcome informed criticism, particularly on human rights issues. But those who make such outlandish charges lose any claim to objectivity or seriousness."

Excuse me, Mr. Rumsfeld, but if you actually believe those words then I wonder what exactly you are saying in regards to our society. Especially when you are part of an administration that tolerates no oversight or criticism in any form, or from any source.

While acknowledging some instances of detainee abuse, Rumsfeld criticized media efforts for failing to place the issue in a "proper context."

Context? There is no proper context, Mr. Rumsfeld. Either we are the champions of freedom that you see this country as or we are part of the problem. You can't have it both ways. And there is no excuse for any abuse. The fact that no one in the administration has to take any responsibility for anything, makes it far to easy for you to essentially condone such misdeeds... as long as you can put them into "context."

"Precious little has been written by [newspaper] editorial boards about the beheading of innocent civilians by terrorists, the thousands of bodies found in mass graves in Iraq, the allegations of rape of women and girls by U.N. workers in the Congo," he said.

This comment speaks volumes. Let me break it down for you.

"Precious little has been written by [newspaper] editorial boards about..." This is because if you read the news, precious little has been reported about anything at all. The press are a bunch of pussies. I would love for any press in this country to write about whats really going on about anything.

"...about the beheading of innocent civilians by terrorists..." funny you should bring that one up. Actually there is nothing funny about civilians being beheaded. But you forget that this is going on in a climate that you created with your "Operation Iraqi Freedom." Just one item in what has become a litany of things you will never take responsibility for. Are you actually chopping those heads off yourself? No, but you made your big violent, bloody, bed... you'd better have the balls to fucking sleep in it, sir. Your actions have exacerbated the situation in regards to terror and the cost of civilian lives. But the nice thing about being a part of this administration is that you aren't even remotely responsible for anything. That’s policy.

As a side note, I appreciate that he said "beheading of innocent civilians by terrorists," and not some blanket statement denouncing beheading in general since we wouldn’t want to offend our Saudi brothers.

"...the thousands of bodies found in mass graves in Iraq..." Speaking of policy, this is the classic stand-by. Always blame Saddam. All I want to know is how many Iraqi's have perished in the course of "Operation Iraqi Freedom?" I doubt he even knows. The fact that it is difficult to even obtain a credible number disturbs me. Some sources estimate more than 20,000, and that number grows each day. Give me the number, Mr. Rumsfeld, get off your case on this one. How many of those were civilians? Are you even capable of demonstrating even a speck of humanity? Do 20,000 (as high as 24,000 according to some sources) count for anything? can they be considered thousands dead? In any case I hope that none of them are buried in mass graves, because that is what keep their deaths from being inexcusable. Isn't that right, Don?

I wish I could Lexus Nexus the phrase "thousands of bodies found in mass graves in Iraq" I Googled it and only found 614,000 related articles. Of course some of those will only be about mass, or graves, or Iraq, AND Google omitted some entries automatically to provide "the most relevant results," but that still gives me a choice of 740 articles. 740 = precious little. But that’s just the internet which may or may not mean anything.

"...the allegations of rape of women and girls by U.N. workers in the Congo..." That’s great that you can talk about this out loud, Mr. Rumsfeld. What are you doing about it though? What have you done about it? Oh wait--we don't even like the UN. They wouldn't even back our silly little teeny tiny operation to oust Saddam and set Iraq to rights. Let’s remind people that we are above the UN because we never do anything like that. There are all sorts of things going on in the world, uncountable atrocities that this administration can conveniently conjure anytime a finger is being pointed at them.

These guys are like petulant children who rat out their siblings when confronted by a parent for wrong doing.

No more lies. No more deflections. No more passing the buck. If the people in charge could do these things I might feel better about my country.


I realize that this is way too much to ask.

Wednesday, June 1, 2005

this blog sucks

I'm taking some time off.


I'll be around eventually.

this news shocks me

News off the AP wire reports that the oversight body over the internet has approved the creation of a "virtual red-light district"


Too bad we already have a virtual on-line red-light district. It’s called the INTERNET


Also on from the AP:


(AP) -- Swiss and American scientists say they have successfully manipulated subjects in an experiment to take risks they might not otherwise take by giving them a squirt of the hormone oxytocin to stimulate trusting behavior.


Their finding could have beneficial applications in treating mental disorders, but they acknowledge the possibility of abuse.

Abuse? Ya think?


This could be worse than "zombie malaria." Yes... I know I'm stupid.

But on a serious note, this could be worse than date rape drugs. Way worse. You don't have to be unconscious to have sex with someone you trust. I wouldn't be AS concerned if I thought even for a second that the most insidious application of this drug would involve horny men.


Personally I'm more worried about my boss at the soulless retailer getting a hold of it. Just think of what I might do... and for a pay cut to boot.



Religious zealots and politicians could each use such a drug to their benefit. Oh the conversions! The elections!


Worst of all, Michael Bay--the Uberhack himself--could come to my house, pour a little in my next White Russian and goad me into paying full price to sit through his next film The Island and then give it a glowing review on my blog.


Folks, I don't want to alarm you, but this really is a time for hyper-vigilance. I may never sleep again. The fact that this drug is applied in squirt-form (did I fail to mention that?) is another part of what disturbs me here. Behavior modification drugs might be as frightening as nuclear, chemical, AND biological weapons combined. I don’t want you to think I wouldn’t mind incineration, anthrax, or contracting smallpox… no thanks. But to think there is is a potential weapon that could have me punching the ballot for soon to be president Bill Frist on my way from a local Christian fundamentalist BBQ, and before snuggling up to my wife to enjoy a rerun of Temptation Island followed by a special presentation of “Armageddon – The Directors Cut.”


And all the while I would think it was a good idea… I feel violated just thinking about it.


I hope you will understand if I don't update my blog as often while I'm on Michael Bay-watch for the next few years.


Finally, I think I should be the President of the USA. I could do a way better job than that idiot in the White House now. He has only three answers in his entire arsenal. Any question that he is ever asked by anyone will be answered by one of the following, or a variant thereof:

· Being president is hard work

· I have to make difficult decisions

· That is just absurd!


I guess its no mystery why I only have one answer to the question "why do you hate G W Bush?"


· Cause he's a dick.