I can't believe I survived this

I have survived a lot of horrible things in my life. But nothing comes close to the book State of Fear by Michael Crichton. This may be the most tedious book I've ever read, and that's coming from a guy who read Deception Point just a few months ago. Dan Brown comes off as a master craftsman compared to this stupid piece of pathetic trash.

The greatest lie in this book is in the blurb. It says: "...the novel races forward on a roller-coaster thrill ride..."

The only thing thrilling about this book is that if needed it is thick enough to be used to beat the living shit out of any Yale President that might hate your blog. And as for racing forward... Bull-fucking shit!

Now I realize that blurb is often a description of the book the publisher wishes for purposes of marketing and sales, but this is by far the most calculated and vile exaggeration perpetrated on the readers anywhere or any time. There is absolutely no way a book can "race forward" when nearly three fourths of the books 571 pages are dedicated to people droning on and on, preaching their views on global warming and other environmental issues but doing so in the most unimaginative and uninteresting way possible.

Mr. Crichton sends his characters around the globe in search of radical environmentalists who happen to be in far away places in order to allow his characters to have lots of time to rehash the same old arguments, spout facts, and drone on and on and on, killing any momentum his plot (unoriginal as it may be) may have gained in the previous chapter when one of his 'heroes" shuts up for long enough to actually do something. But even then they have to talk about it.

This book could be cut down to about a hundred pages and it still wouldn't be that great. And if there is a point to this book it is lost in the tedium, which is so painful I feel like I may have to investigate litigation against Mr. Crichton for the physical pain reading his book has caused me.

If I need to spend several hours listening to blowholes spout their opinions, I'll stick to Fox News.

never joke about the Titanic

CNN.COM is reporting that researchers have discovered evidence in the form of a fragment on the sea floor that indicates the Titanic sank with greater rapidity than previously believed. Details of the find will be revealed in a History Channel documentary airing Feb 26.

As interesting as this seems to be for those involved, it would appear that not everyone shares their enthusiasm.

Among the unimpressed is one Robert Ballard. You may know him as the man who actually discovered the wreck of the "unsinkable" ship back in 1985. "They found a fragment, big deal," Ballard said. "Am I surprised? No. When you go down there, there's stuff all over the place. It hit an iceberg and it sank. Get over it."

If you follow the rich history of the Titanic you will be interested to note that the exact location of the fragment is of some import, as it seems to have been shoved up Mr. Ballard's Ass.

If you suspect I embelished Mr. Ballard's remarks (I'm talking to you Mr. Levin), feel free to peruse this link at your convenience http://www.cnn.com/2005/TECH/science/12/05/titanic.find.ap/index.html

mysteries of the universe

Why is it that some people think being from California automatically makes them more interesting than everyone else? Are there really people who are impressed by this?

Why am I compelled to stop everything I'm doing in order to watch You've Got Mail any time I happen to flip past it on television? If I saw the DVD on the Bargain rack I wouldn't spend five bucks to buy it. I am never interested in renting it. But if I am flipping through the channels and I see it on, no matter how far along the movie happens to be, life grinds to a screeching halt until the credits roll.

I wonder why people tell me I’m funny or interesting or intelligent. I wonder why I can never truly believe the nice things people say about me. I wonder what it would be like if I could believe all the good things people said about me for a whole day. What kind of difference would it make?

Why do I tolerate idiots? Is it because I have no choice?

Why is it that I avoid human contact as much as I possibly can, yet I find the check lanes at the grocery stores that allow me to do everything muself morally reprehensible? Why?

How come certain people can’t imagine living a good life without any expectation of some kind of reward in a life hereafter? To me, being good strictly for a reward seems a little disingenuous. I’m sure there are some people who might consider their perceived reward as a fringe benefit.

Am I really supposed to believe that Yale President Richard Levin has nothing better to do with his spare time that to bad mouth my blog? Will I ever be good enough for you Richard?!

I’m not a big fan of seafood. For the most part I’ll eat it or at least try it, but its not anywhere close to my favorite and never will be. By seafood I mean salmon, cod, lobster, shrimp, etc. Yet there is nothing closer to the divine in my opinion than sushi. If there is heaven, then it comes served on a wooden board with wasabi and pickled ginger.

Why can’t I update my blog? Is it related to the fact that I wouldn’t write anything here that I wouldn’t want to read somewhere else, but have spent too much time reading things elsewhere that the only things I never have time to write anything here except for things I wouldn’t want to read anywhere.

Why didn't that last sentence make any sense?

Happy Thanksgiving

(not my joke, but...)

Chicken Little and Goosey Lucy would like to wish you a very happy Thanksgiving.

Turkey Lurky says go to hell.

I have seen the enemy and his name is Phoky

CNN.com is reporting that Otters, led by one who calls himself "Phoky," are winning a battle of wits... against humans!

But it gets much, much worse.

"Phoky... was one of dozens of otters that surprised government biologists at almost every turn. Now, it seems, officials are throwing in the towel."

Dear god... We're already giving up.

This could be the beginning of the end.

Yes!

I can't believe it has finally come to this. The 30 second teaser for "The Fountain" hit today... it was more than satisfying. Very cool, very Aronofsky.

http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/thefountain/

That was the best thirty seconds of my whole day. Now if I can just wait for the movie to come out...

something else

I am really getting tired of hearing the phrase "it takes all kinds..."

Especially when uttered by someone who has observed someone else doing something really stupid. I got news for you...

It only takes one kind. The stupid kind.

just when I was feeling like Utah was settling down

Every time I think to myself that Utah isn't really that much weirder than the rest of the world...

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah (AP) -- A judge will ask the state Supreme Court on Wednesday to let him stay on the bench after a commission that oversees judges ordered him dismissed because he has three wives.

The State has in the last few years been taking a fierce stand against guys with lots of wives. Not only are they trying to eliminate it through legal means, but they are getting a lot of help from the local church majority who have kindly eliminated references to it in most of their current literature.

That Walter Steed, who has been a judge for 25 years and happens to have more than one wife, should be the next target only makes sense.

Personally I worry that if his legal career is destroyed through this, there will be nothing left for Mr. Steed but to be put out to stud.

I get mail

I recently got a message regarding my blog in the old mailbag. Here's what it says:

Mr. Blunderson

I've been reading your blog but I can't help but notice that it is full of spelling and gramatical errors. If I can be of any assitance in these matters don't hesitate to ask.

I have the time.

Here is how I responded:

Mr. J Conners

Eat Me.

Regards,

N Blunderson III

you can't make me do it

If you happened to be reading CNN.com or keeping track of the activities of the European Space Agency, then I am sure that you are aware that next week they will be sending up a craft that will probe Venus.

I know there are people out there who think that I would make the obvious joke, but I refuse. Why? Because you have already made the joke in your head, and I am not as predictable as you might think. Get off my back, as I simply will not ask the question that every half-assed jokester on the planet is making right now.

If you want thoughtful observational humor stick around, but if you came here hoping I would dare ask the question - When will we probe Uranus? You can forget it. Keep moving. There's no room for you here.

second best day ever

Dark Horizons is reporting that Darren Aronofsky (my favorite director on the whole freakin planet) has signed on to direct an episode of ABC's Lost, which will air around the beginning of May sweeps.

Although smaller scale than his films, the mere thought of what he could do on Lost is throwing me into a seizure....

why is this the second best day? Because the best day will be when the episode actually airs. Now I just have to wait until may...

argh!

CNN is actually reporting that if an election were held today President Bush would lose.

TALK ABOUT YOUR POINTLESS FUCKING NEWS!

While we're talking pointless news, I'm going to say right now that I could probably kick Godzilla's ass in hand to hand combat. Report that you CNN bitches! At least there's some human interest there... well, for me anyway.

The funny thing is that my fight with Godzilla is about as likely as a Bush election at this juncture so what is the point? What good does this information do me?

Yes his approval rating is in the shitter, and he's pissing people off right and left, but it doesn't matter since all he has to do is manage to not get lynched during the remainder of his term... which is his second term... which a bunch of idiots gave him in the first place.

And don't think for a second that Bush feels some sense of loyalty to the party. Don't give me that bullshit line that he has a duty to right the ship for the good of the party to ensure another republican congress and or president. Don't give me that because the current administration is only interested in doing things for their own embetterment. They could give a flying shit about anyone else. It doesn't matter if you're red, blue, their mother, gay daughter... whatever. You're just a pawn for their benefit and if you can't help them get what they want then you can go fuck yourself... which is about all you'll have left when they are finished with this country.

Hell, they'll probably make that illegal too.

... dear god... I just need to stop reading the news completely.

I do NOT get it

CNN.com has an article that dares speculate "who will replace Howard Stern?" Although there is a small list of people who could be the next big thing on the radio, it is quite possible that there will never be another Howard Stern.

Boo fuckin who

I never understood anything about Stern. The guy is not funny. He's not interesting. Oooh he has naked women on the radio. That’s real exciting entertainment if you have never heard of... oh yeah, the internet. If anything he's just proved how dull and stupid strippers and porn stars are and no wonder they don't get paid to talk...

What other amazing marvels can you reveal, Howard?

I for one won't miss Howard Stern. His sidekick Artie--I don't know his last name--has never said a funny thing in his whole life. He couldn’t be funny if had a damn joke book glued to his hand.

Good riddance to both of you.

While I'm at it, other people who need to disappear are Adam Carolla, Jimmy Kimmel, and that bitch Joe Rogan. These guys are so unfunny it hurts.

There are plenty of comics out there who are genuinely funny that will never have their own Comedy Central talk show. Its a crime against all comics who bust their asses that dullard half-wits such as these are paraded about as "entertainers' and offered to the public as someone worth even a second of what little time we have on this earth.

Of course, leave it to the American public to love each and everyone of these lame-ass dipshits, tuning in right after they get done watching The OC.

If you really need to morn anything or anyone in the entertainment industry, shed a tear that Jim Cameron isn’t making any more movies with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Cry that Rocky VI or King Conan isn’t in production right now. Then throw a rock through the window at Warner Brothers Studios for sitting on Darren Aronofsky’s The Fountain. Release it! PLEASE!

I’m sorry you suits are too stupid to get it. You assholes have no shame in shoving shit like The Dukes of Hazzard upon the masses, but you won’t take a chance on what could potentially be the most interesting and thought provoking film released this year????

Those guys will never listen to me. They’re too busy rolling naked in their Harry Potter cash piles to listen to my tiny voice.

It is about time

CNN is reporting that Sylvester Stallone has signed on to reprise his role as boxer Rocky Balboa in a sixth installment of the series. He will write AND direct.

I'm thrilled to hear this. Laugh if you want... hell, you could scoff even. The truth is, this may be the best chance he has to make enough money he can finally pay back that 20 bucks he owes me...

if only we could beam him up

CNN is reporting that the cremated remains of actor James Doohan, famous for his role as Scotty in the original Star Trek television series, were to be launched into space in accordance with his last wishes.

Sadly the launch was canceled due to electrical problems. A spokesman for the Space Services Inc told the family about the cancellation:"we don't have the power."

makes me so sad

There are a lot of things that make me sad... things that other people do. The people that do them... well thats another story.

For one thing, Now that I am in my thirties I try to avoid talking about things I did in high school. Not that it wasn't a great time in my life, I've simply lived enough since then that I find I have other things to talk about. I find that people who are still talking high school sports glory stories at my age are really, rather pathetic.

Worse than that are people in their twenties that have no high school sports stories to tell, yet manage to find plenty to talk about thanks to time spent playing peewee football or Jr. Jazz...

If the best you can do in the realm of conversation is talk about your city league sports days when you were in 8th grade, you should probably shut the fuck up. I don't care who you tackled, or who you boxed out to the floor, or how many times you fouled out... there is no one on this planet who gives a flying fuck. Not to mention the fact that it simply rubs the guys who have only Junior Varsity stories the wrong way.

JUST LET IT GO!

Another thing... I was recently privy to a serious debate on what was the better show, Sesame Street or Between the Lions. I guess there may be a time and place for that if you happen to be a parent or... I don't know... six years old. If you are a single male between the ages of 21 and 25 and you have no kids and you are having this discussion there is a very good chance that you are never going to get laid.

Ever.

Never ever.

And just so you know the Mr. Belvedere Fan Club guys are going to beat the living shit out of you. Not only because they can, but because you desperately need it.

You should probably start running.

And for the record, Sesame Street is WAY better.

I got your Terminator right HERE!

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger confirmed an open secret Friday, telling supporters that he's running for re-election next year -- an early announcement designed to re-energize his sagging political momentum.

You knew--you had to know--he'd be back for a sequel. I'm relieved he didn't hold a press conference to actually say "I'll be back!" If there is anywhere they need to pass a law against flogging dead horses it is certainly California.

Let me be the first to say that it is high time Mr. Schwarzenegger returned to his cinematic career... it makes ignoring him so much simpler.

obligatory update

I've been having a very hard time getting around to updates. This is not due to a lack of ideas or anything of that nature. I simply haven't felt like putting my thoughts on line.

I feel bad because I realize as my updates become less frequent, the number of people who visit my site are steadily dropping. It's depressing to realize that there are people out there who think I'm worth a few moments of their time only to find the same old shit staring them in the face day after day. Who needs that?

I know I'm slipping when even Yale President Richard Levin stops sending me hate mail:

Mr. Blunderson.

You suck. Can you please update your blog so I can be reminded of just how bad you do suck?

Regards,

Richard Levin - President of Yale (the greatest University on Earth that I am President of)

PS What could be wrong with using the internet to follow the brilliant career of Brittney Spears? As far as I'm concerned it is the second best reason for having a computer. The first will always be having e-mail so I can tell you that you suck.

I had no idea

I have a friend at work who really enjoys my blog. Sadly, since she has no computer of her own she depends on the computers at the Orem Public Library to check her e-mail, catch up on Brittney Spears related news, and to follow my website.

The only problem is my site is blocked by the content filter that the Orem Public Library uses so she is unable to access it from there, and therefore unable to read my blog.

I have to admit that I don't know exactly how internet filters work. I could ask my brother, or look it up on the internet, but my brother already poked fun at me for "putting way too much research" into my blog. I do suspect that the OPL Filter is either set to block specific sites or can scan text for content.

Although the system probably operates using both techniques simultaneously, I'll guess it is the latter that is keeping anyone who uses their computers from falling victim to my ramblings… I do after all put the Blah in blog

Looking back over the entries on this page I realize that on two occasions I used the dreaded f word which probably has something to do with the fact that my site is getting filtered. That’s funny—to me anyway—since I make no conscious effort to use it or not use it… I only write what is in my brain and if there happens to be colorful metaphor embedded in the heaping mess that spews forth onto my keyboard on its way to becoming web content then so be it. If it happens it happens… At least that is how I felt before I considered any such ramifications.

To my friend I say - "sorry for the inconvenience. I'll try to do better."

PS Fuckity fuck… fuck… fucking fuck.

best DVD's ever

A note to the people who market and design DVD covers:

If the "special features" listed on the back cover are limited to interactive menus, chapter selection, and 5.1 surround then I should probably tell you that your features are NOT special at all. Quit calling them that! Call them standard features or don't call them anything.

just type the damn words!

I was poking around the blog-o-shpere today looking for people to make fun of. Instead I was reminded of something people do that aggravates me. I am really tired of seeing DH anywhere on the internet. Chats, blogs, bulletin boards… I don't care where, I am to the point where every time I read it I want to poke the person who typed those two little letters in the eyeball.

For the unwashed, DH means dear Husband. You know what I think? If he was really that dear, you would take the time to type the damn words! Would it kill you? Even I manage to type efficiently enough that adding an additional nine letters and one space doesn't significantly set back my day.

GEEZ! And I would like to thank the Purple Puzzler, whose blog included this gem:

"...if DH hadn't been home, since the baby didn't sleep very well. DH was really tired after his trip, so he... Now it's quiet time and DH came home from work to put them down for their naps..."

DH way too many times on the page. Once in back to back sentences even! Is it really that hard to use the damn thesaurus? In my case its just a right-click away, but I suppose it may not be that simple for everyone. Microsoft Word hasn't really caught on yet... has it?

The use of such web-breviations as DH is annoying and stupid. As far as I'm concerned, using it (and other similar abbreviations) is a sign that a person is not only too lazy to type few letters, but also too lazy to think up something interesting, thoughtful, or just DIFFERENT to say.

Why would I want to always refer to someone that close to me in some obligatory way over and over? I realize people prefer DH to using names, but if we had half a brain and truly considered a person a DH then couldn't we possibly take .127 seconds to let our brain try to come up with a variation on the theme? Show your "dear" husband you really care. It’s cheaper than steak, and it sure beats having to sit through Monday Night Football without commenting on big muscular guys in really tight pants.

Sometimes it is the little things.

I don't really mean to single out this Purple Puzzler, because she is only one of maybe a meellion people who do that... wow, its kind of staggering to think that there are that many people who annoy the shit out of me.

On another side of this coin... To me, the letters DH mean Designated Hitter. Someone who hits in the place of the pitcher (in baseball) but doesn't play a defensive position. When I relate that to the context in which I usually read the letters DH on the internet, I think of that person as not being the Dear Husband of the writer, but instead some guy who comes in from time to time to "hit the ball hard," "drive in a few runs," and with any luck "get as many bases as he can." (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more!) That line of thinking is a product of my own warped and twisted mind... who besides myself would read what is meant to be an innocent term of endearment and think instead of something so seedy and illicit?

When reduced to two letters, whatever "Dear Husband" actually means runs the risk of becoming flat or even lost. I personally think those are words that shouldn't lose their meaning. It’s like a person who says "sorry" eight hundred and fifty-two times a day. After a while it becomes less of an apology and more of a reason to avoid an idiot. This is a trend I find a little disquieting.

Another trend that mildly disturbs me is the thought that I may very well championing the English Language here... GAG.. May family would be SOOOOOOooooo proud.

a brief note - I was going to make fun of a blog by a guy named Eric, but I saw his header which read "Mostly news with a focus on copyright law and intellectual property issues, plus whatever else I feel like throwing in" and realized that I couldn't ever do any better than that... unless he wrote "plus whatever else I find interesting."

I tried to keep quiet on this

I really have tried to keep my mouth shut about this.

I've tried to do my own thing and not let the actions of others ruin my whole shopping experience... but I can't go another day without bitching about people who can't properly navigate a damn parking lot.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS FOLLOW THE FUCKING ARROWS!

You don't even have to read, you barely have to think. Just follow the pretty pictures on the ground. If you are too stupid to do that, then I'd hate to see you try to figure out something really difficult... like CANDYLAND!

And yes, I do get that some people are just inconsiderate assholes. But they are stupid too.

questions on my mind

I keep hearing about movies that are better on weed. Are there any movies that are actually worse on weed?

Why would the band Everclear cover a great song like "brown eyed girl" only to make it sound like an Everclear song?

Does a snickers still satisfy when divided into thirds?

Will I ever know the answers?

what's that like?

When people find out that I work graveyards, one of the first questions they ask is "graveyards? What’s that like?" Sadly, I have no snappy sarcastic one-liner answer other than "it's Dyn-O-mite!"

I have found that explaining working nights is kind of like explaining what went wrong in The Matrix trilogy. You kind of have to see it with your own eyes to understand what’s going down...

Lets see... you know that feeling you get at the end of your work day? You're just so relieved that work is over and you want to make the most of that burst of post work energy by getting out and doing something fun with your friends? Well we get that too, only when we get off work the only places that are open are Denny's and Wal-Mart.

Similar is that feeling at the end of the work week where you want enjoy a cold one and thank bob its Friday... Try explaining to your wife (or your AA group) that even though you are cracking open a beer at 5:30 in the AM you do not have a drinking problem.

I know that people who work graveyards tend to have more physical and emotional and relationship problems in general. I read that on CNN.com a couple of years ago so it must be true. I remember telling my colleagues about the facts and figures. There were some that actually laughed at me and my crazy statistics. Several months later I had a heart attack at work. Who's laughing now?

Every work environment is going to be unique, and mine is no different. Working at a soulless retailer we "overnighters" find an intense amount of friction between ourselves and the group of people who work during days. They work with the customers; we do all the filthy, sweaty, manual labor. Everyone who works days thinks the night people are a bunch of uneducated, lazy thugs who hang out at the store all night doing nothing, and will steal things out of your locker. Everyone who works nights thinks the day people are pretentiously pretty, annoying, idiots who never do their jobs and don't have anything decent to steal in a locker anyway.

When our paths cross, the tension is palpable. We're always on the verge of breaking out into a scene from Westside Story, with the finger snapping, and rolled up sleeves, and the Leonard Bernstein music... "when you're a Jet you're a Jet to the end..."

On a tangent - I once saw a comedian who talked about his friends learning to fight by watching Bruce Lee movies, lamenting the fact that he always got his ass kicked because he learned to fight by watching Westside Story.

Back on track - Since I can't really tell you what its like to work graveyards (you have to do it to know it) I will at least provide you with a few of the differences between the day and the night crews at my own place of employment.

· Someone who works nights is 8 times as likely to have killed a guy with their bare hands, while someone who works days is 867% more likely to own seasons 1 & 2 of The OC on DVD.

· Someone who works nights is 3 times as likely to be in the process of recording their own hip hop (or techno) CD, while someone on the day team is 87% more likely to utter the phrase "I can't think of it getting any better than when Michael Bolton sings When a man Loves a Woman."

· A person who work nights is 8,000 times more likely to be referred to as Sir or Ma'am by our boss, while someone on the day crew will try to tell you that the plural of Stylus is Status.

Does that paint a clear enough picture? On the whole, most of us on the graveyards are pretty average, normal people. A lot of us are in situations that necessitate an overnight schedule... and there are probably more women then men. For whatever reason, people assume that we're all a bunch of tough guys with prison tattoos and tattered levis waiting to hear from our probation officer about that better job opportunity while we pass the time putting out our cigarettes on kittens.... But that is just one guy, and he doesn't really work there anymore. Management is just too nervous to tell him he's fired so he keeps coming in.

my own fault for shopping at Walmart - To whom it may concern

Dear Walmart

I went to your store today and purchased two items. I stood in line for 18 minutes, but it was the fastest because it was "the express line." The people in the self checkout were not moving any faster than me since every one of them were still in the store when I left. Self checkout does not always translate to speedy checkout. I myself was in the 20 items or less line behind 8 other people who were all trying to find some way to buy more than 20 items. As I have learned the secret to exceeding the limit in the 20 items or less line at Walmart is when you get to the cashier you say "Oh I didn't realize this was 20 items or less. Silly me."

I think the people in the other line had it worse due to the jackass who was trying to find a way to split up a full shopping cart amongst his family so they could each buy 20 items... Jeez, and the 10 items or less line wasn't even open.

Since you fail to actually enforce the "20 items or less" rule the mantel falls upon the consumer to utilize the "honor system"... a plan I don't actually see working.

Sincerely,

Noodles Blunderson III

YIKES

Do you know what a stylus is? For those who don't know, it's that pen-like doohickey you use to write on the screen of your palm pilot.

I was putting some away tonight while working in the electronics department of the soulless retailer that employs my sorry ass. Actually, I was putting away a three pack but the package still said STYLUS. So I wondered if the plural for Stylus was STYLI or if you say STYLUS whether you have one or twenty-seven thousand.

I asked my best friend what he thought and though he did not know he speculated on the possibilities briefly before being interrupted by another employee. We had never seen this guy before, but that isn't so strange since he works a completely different shift than us. He interrupted my friend saying " it's status.... statuses... status..." He spent the next several minutes wandering around the department muttering the word status over and over.

It was a little disturbing... enough so that for all intents and purposes it may have been the most disturbing thing I've witnessed in days.

One thing about this story that kind of bums me out is that this is the kind of thing I could ask my brother. Most likely he would know the answer... if he didn't he would discover it quickly enough, only to explain it back in a way that makes even the most mundane interesting.

My bro is great at explaining anything and everything. And since he has such broad interests (Bordeaux to Broadway) he's very easy to listen to...

France is so lucky.

biggest moron on the planet

Hot off the press:

REXBURG, Idaho (AP) -- Getting a 34-year Harvard man to abandon one of the nation's most prestigious business schools for an Idaho church college seems like a task that would demand divine revelation.

For Kim Clark, who left his post as Harvard Business School dean last week, it came down to the next best thing.

A member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Clark took a call in May from Gordon Hinckley, the 95-year-old president of the Mormons. Hinckley asked the economist to head Brigham Young University-Idaho, which just five years ago was a two-year junior college.

And he took the Job. He took the job?! Idaho?! Are you kidding me?

If I had a job mopping the floors at Harvard and God herself told me to head out to Idaho--even if it meant I'd be king of the world--I'd tell her to cram it.

Kim Clark, you are one big fucking idiot. Good luck with that.

to/for all intents and purposes

I love my brother so I really hate to bitch-slap him on the internet. He found what he believed a "flaw" in my last entry where I was making fun of dorks who say "intensive purposes" as opposed to "intents and purposes." He corrected me, pointing out that I had the expression wrong by using to instead of for. That would have made me look pretty silly.

Except...

I have seen it both ways in literature and have heard it used both ways by people who I can only imagine knew what they were talking about. I used to because I had just read it as such (in Arthur Miller no less), and I was reminded of jerks who butcher that cliche and that I should put it in my blog. To support my claim I found some page on the internet which says:

This cliche (meaning "practically") is a shortening of the legal phrase "to all intents, constructions, and purposes" (found in an act adopted under Henry VIII in 1547). The corruption "for all intensive purposes" is frequently reported.

http://alt-usage-english.org/excerpts/fxtoalli.html

Some other web site has this to say:

The correct phrase is "to all intents and purposes:" Also [bastardized as:] for all intents and purposes; [has the same meaning as:] for all practical purposes. Definition: In every practical sense, virtually. For example, For all intents and purposes the case is closed, or For all practical purposes the Vice-President is the chief executive while the President is in the hospital. The first phrase, dating from the 1500s, originated in English law, where it was to all intents, constructions, and purposes.

http://www.faqfarm.com/Q/Is_the_saying_'all_intents_and_purposes'_or_'all_intense_purposes'

Bottom line - people who use the term "intensive purposes" probably don't read and are trying to parrot things they have heard in an attempt to sound smarter than they really are.

http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/intensive.html

I did a search using Google Print, which located the phrase in 17,200 instances in literature so there are certainly plenty of places to read it... I only wonder how many of those are books about cliches... I myself must have read it at least 12 times in Penthouse Forums... err... I mean great literature that is old, and REAL and gets read in schools and bathrooms.

On a related note, people who want to type stuff to appear smarter than they really are have blogs.

To be fair to my brother he didn't really say I was wrong, only that I used a less common form of the expression. But since its been nearly 85 entries since I've overeacted to anything via my blog, I figured it was about time. To my Bro I'd just like to say: for all intensive purposes, I get the idea.

never boring

One thing you probably know about me as you read my blog is that I live in small town Utah.

Real exciting, I know.

First of all, I can tell you that I live in what has been described as one of the most conservative counties in the US. Not only is this county nearly all republicans, it is also has a very high percentage of Mormons. Shocker, I know. Those two things alone make me stick out like a sore thumb. It can be tough to be anything even slightly left of the right around here, but when you are also a Unitarian Universalist, you are out there... and I am.

There is not a lot of diversity around here, and for that I definitely think the place suffers. Culture around here couldn't be more blah. We get a lot of Mormon related crap... "art." Let me tell you that you have know idea how bad music, or literature can be until its been inspired by the "spirit of god."

But besides living in a white bread conservative theocracy that produces such gems like Kurt Bestor and (uuuugh) really awful paintings of the 10 virgins, and having not one decent deli, this place can manage to be interesting.

Most places you say the word "Trojan" and people think of condoms and then of USC. Around here you say the word "Trojan" and people think of condoms and THEN a little place at the mouth of Spanish Fork Canyon on Highway 6 that happens to manufacture explosives (I should note that the company is now called Ensign-Bickford, but all the locals remember the big read sheds with the Trojan painted on the side), and then USC.

We compensate for our lack of culture and learning with mortal danger (although I suppose you can really get that anywhere. I remember one time when I was a wee lad, they had an explosion on a Sunday morning. My folks were gone so it was just us kids at the house. There was a moment where I actually thought the world was going to end. The sound of the explosion rolled across the valley in a way that put the fear of god into me and my siblings... we thought it was an earthquake and so we hid under tables and desks. I can still see my brother bracing himself in the doorway...

I know its not LA or New York, but exploding explosive plants have got to account for something, right? NO? Okay, how about what happened YESTERDAY:

Yesterday afternoon a truck on its way to Oklahoma (from the explosives plant) through the Canyon on highway 6 overturned while taking a corner too fast. Apparently, the 20 or 30 people who stopped to help were all relieved to see the two drivers escape the cab apparently unharmed until they heard what the truck drivers where screaming - "It's explosives! Get out of here!"

35,500 pounds of explosives to be exact. One driver managed to get about 75 yards from the truck but was still picked up and thrown to the ground by the explosion that left a crater that was thirty feet deep, 70 feet wide, and took out the highway, part of the canyon wall, the train tracks, and started a dozen or so brush fires near by. The explosion blew the truck 100 feet UP a rock cliff.

If the truckers had not been able to warn people of the impending danger, people could have been killed. Its bad enough that 6 people were injured--don't get me wrong--but the situation could have been much worse.

On a personal note, I get really annoyed by people who try to say things but can't. Like when they tell me something is a mute point, or say pacifically, when they mean specifically.

The one that is really bugging me now is when people say or write to all intensive purposes...

What the hell?!

... To all intents AND purposes, dumbass.

Like I can talk, I can't spell and I went to a private school. I suppose I shouldn't expect anyone with a college education to know something like that.

its an update because I say its an update

You had better tighten your seat belt, as this entry is going to be all over the road.

I was going to refer to this as yet another obligatory blog update, but it occurs to me that perhaps all 111 updates have been just that. Why should this one be so fucking special that I single it out?

This entry is just like all the others. Before its over I'll mention that I hate Michael Bay, I'll tell you that my sorry ass is employed by a soulless retailer, and you'll read once more time that Yale President Richard Levin is out to get me.

There has been one subtle change that has made work extra-super-great these last few weeks. One thing that seemed way too good to be true. My friends and I talked about how nice the atmosphere at work had been lately, and speculated between ourselves how such a change had come about... there was a curiosity building in each of us--way worse than the curiosity that my faithful reader has gained from reading this vague "inside" tale from work--and I said to my friend Pat that the moment we asked someone who knew what was going on, we would be told that the next day things would be back to how they used to be... which was less than stellar.

And then they had to go and ask. And you know what? It looks like tomorrow, things will go back to the way they were.

SHIT!

Lesson learned - when life is going good, don't question it. Just smile, scratch your ass, and breathe in the good day.

Today I made the best mashed potatoes in the history of the planet. They were sooooo good. The down side is that with each bite you take of my tatoes you actually lose three days of your life... but you know what? Its totally worth it.

I've really hit a wall as far as my blog is concerned. It could be that I'm burning out. Maybe I have enough crap going on that I don't feel like this is such a priority at the moment--I'm as shocked as anyone to see my life becoming less blog-o-centric.

Perhaps the time has actually come for me to put the "blah" in blog...

Maybe trying to continue my blog at a time like this is a worse idea than tunafish nachos.

I must be in a funk. I know I am when a brand new Uberhack movie came out and I didn't mention it even ONCE. Michael Bay is the Antichrist of film and I can't even bust out an entry that bags on him or his shitty new movie... what the hell?

I've got this running drama with my family that is starting to go really bad. I have not been to a family gathering in a very long time. My mom always tries to guilt me into going ("its been so long since anyone has seen your kids...") and since that has not worked so well, this time she tried to work the mojo on my wife. Well, the party came and went and SHOCKER I didn't go.

Social stuff is really overwhelming for me. I think that the reason I don't get to the family stuff is that since there are so many other social obligations that I can't weasel my way out of that somewhere deep down I assume that my family of all people should understand if I blow them off periodically...

But months turn into years...

My family is strange--as every family manages to be. They have moments where they can be really wonderful or really intense. Sometimes its a frenzied cross section of the best and the worst bombarding the innocent with the speed and might of the blitzkrieg... in other words we're probably pretty average.

I guess I'd better get my ass to some family something next time around, just so I'll quit getting shit about missing it... and it'll probably be good to see them... probably

That pretty much wraps it up for today. If you stuck with me through this wild ride I say thanks... I feel like I'm missing something...

Oh yeah, Richard Levin thinks I suck.

-the end-

maybe this is not such a good idea

Not only do I believe the theory of evolution, but I am huge supporter of "survival of the fittest." My greatest concern with humans as a species is that through the marvels of medicine and science we have managed to cheat that principle to the greatest of extremes.

At the same time we have managed to play the other side of the game by driving god knows how many species into extinction, not to mention the vast number that are close enough to extinction to be classified as "endangered."

For the most part I feel it behooves us to do our part in correcting the horrible atrocities we've committed against nature by protecting our endangered species. It’s the least we can do, right? (which incidentally is usually the most we ever do)

But perhaps it is arrogant to think that we must save ALL of the species we are wiping out. As we--speaking for all living creatures here--move on, age, and "evolve" it only makes sense that some of us would have gone the way of the dodo... deforestation or not. I think that perhaps we should apply some level of wisdom as to what species we actually save.

Here's an example of what I mean:

SYDNEY, Australia (Reuters) -- The endangered grey nurse shark is its own worst enemy, its young eat each other in the womb, so Australian scientists have a radical rescue plan to artificially inseminate and breed the ocean predator in test-tubes.

I cannot deny that the reason these sharks aren't doing so well in the first place is that humans have somehow managed to drive their numbers down. I'm not sure what is worse for the grey nurse shark - whether they have been hunted for their precious parts (whatever that means), whether they have been poisoned by industrial beach waste, or perhaps they taste great on a cracker. I don't know.

But that’s beside the point.

If prenatal cannibalism isn't a sign that this species needs to be "selected" right out of the game of evolution, then I don't know what is.

report of the reunion

Now that I have had time to recover from the family reunion with the in-laws, I expect some of my readers will be eager to hear all of the horrors of the trip...

Well, I have little to say beyond this picture of a shirt we were all given.

That's the family Motto. Pretty much sums it up for me... Catchy, don't you think?

The good news is that since I'm not supposed to embarrass the family I'll certainly never be expected to wear this shirt in public.

Right?

sounds like a good plan

My 5 year old daughter tells me that when she has kids of her own they are all going to live at RC Willey--that's right, the furniture store. She says that her kids can sit and sleep in so many places and that the "possibilities would be endless."

Her biggest concern with living at RC Willey was that they had no dishes there, but she told me she had a few days to figure that one out.

and I'm out

I'm off for a couple of days for a reunion with the in-laws. It will most likely be the worst two days of my life. Luckily, I've had enough really bad days that it will be nice to see all the shit go full tilt to the extreme. Then maybe the other stuff won't seem so bad. Okay so it won't be that bad, but by preparing for the worst it can only get better, right?

I can tell by the bewildered look in your eyes that most of you have no idea what I'm talking about. For those of you who do... I feel for ya.

I have decided that I just don't care for most peoples opinions, especially those kind of people whose opinions only exsist to justify the things they do. I also dislike opinions that are boring as well as really vague generalized ones... but thats just my opinion.

I have thought a lot about my funeral for the last while. I'm not going to die anytime soon--as far as I know, anyway--I just have some slightly bitter memories of a dear relative who passed away only to have the family ignore most of the wishes the deceased had for the funeral. I also consider all the hubbub surrounding a "living will" thanks to... whats her name? You know that lady who was in the news around the same time there was all that commotion regarding the dude who wore a pointy hat? You remember her? I can't remember her name... sad that story didn't get much media attention...

ANYWAY

I also remember this time when I worked for a soulless convenience store when some guy lost his day planner and while we waited for him to pick it up we read through it and found some really bizarre shit in there. One thing was he had planned out his funeral, and what he wanted all the people (wife, children, friend, etc) to say, down to the very words. As we read through that we all laughed hysterically.

Not nice, I know.

But I have often thought of that guy's planner and the things he wrote. In a way it was as if he was planning to be a good person with all this amazing qualities that he may or may not already have. As cynical as I am I find it laughable to "plan" what kind of person you are going to be. I think there are choices we can make and things we can do to influence the positive way people see us, but on the whole I think you are either a good person, an asshole, or a gray fuzzy creature that exists somewhere in between. And there is nothing you can do about it.

But thats me. And if I thought my views were correct enough to change the world I'd be charging you to read my blog and I'd using that money to start a religion.

The only thing I know for sure is that I would like to be buried in my "can't sleep the clowns will eat me" t-shirt and sandals. I haven't made a decision about the pants yet. Although I'm thinking its gotta be shorts... or maybe a skirt... its a tough decision.

And I think I am getting close to deciding what should be on my headstone. I have it down to these:

• Jefrey (with one F) took up the space
• they got me
• Husband, father, brother and friend... finally found a quiet place to rest

But the one I like most so far is one that sums me up best. In big black letters you would read "go fuck you're self" See, its funny since its what I say and it emphasizes the fact that I could give a shit if my grammar is correct. Plus you guys can laugh at all the people that don't get the joke, or the "you're"... its up to you.

I'm not going to spell check this entry either...

So I'll be gone for a few days, then I'll be swamped with company and work and some other projects... so don't think for a second the updates are going to start rolling in anytime soon... But I can't and I won't apologize for that. I'm sorry, that's just the way I am.

Before I go I should send a shout out to all those low-grade nihilists out there... you know who you are. I just want to tell you that excess ain't rebellion. Rebellion comes straight from the heart. Its not about making up for lost time its about moving on and being happy without whatever it was that was keeping you down. If you really want to stick it to the establishment, or the man, or the machine (fucking George Foreman Grill...), thats the best way to do it. Most importantly grow up and don't suck. Although I think its great to be free and do what it is that makes you happy, the second you start making choices that are hurtful to others is the moment you start to suck. And if you're going to suck, do me a favor and stay the hell away from me.

If everyone made a concerted effort not to suck, the world would be a better place. You don't need an education, or a religion, or a philosophy... just don't suck.

regrets and the "news"

I've mentioned that I have been examining my life a great deal lately and I have a whole list of regrets that haunt me and keep me up at night... some I can make good on, but there are several that seem to be that once in a lifetime-type creature and they are the ones that hurt the worst.

So here they are, my regrets, in no particular order:

• I regret that I paid money to see Madagascar. You'd think I'd have learned after Sharks Tale... I gotta remember my mantra "Dreamworks animated movies--both CG and traditional--suck if it doesn't have the word 'Shrek' in the title." I try to repeat that three or four times as I look in the mirror each day.
• I regret that I know how much it costs to have someone rubbed out, but I'm even more disturbed knowing I could afford it through financing.
• I regret that there were a couple of times while chatting on Yahoo (okay so I do sometimes Yahoo) I typed "lol" even though I didn't really.
• I really regret that I told Yale President Richard Levin that I didn't think he had the balls to "knock me in the teeth."
• I regret having canceled my dental insurance 2 days before Yale President Richard Levin showed up on my doorstep.
• I regret that I paid money for the Time-Life commemorative Civil War chess set. I have been getting a new piece about every other month for three years and I still can't play the damn game.
• I regret that when my sister had a chance to meet former Utah Jazz power forward Karl Malone and stick it to him for the family, I told her to take it easy on him
• I regret being a pacifist, but only at moments where I really should have kicked someone's ass
• I regret that my life to a point has become blogocentric, and that even though I read my best friends blog and he reads mine, some days when we're hanging out our blogs are all we talk about. Other problems associated with this are the horrible fear and anguish I feel if my internet connection isn't working properly, or on those rare occasions where my blog's server is down for routine maintenance... If I can't get my fix I collapse to the ground shouting "WHY GOD?! WHY MUST YOU PUNISH ME SO????" Usually its just a few minutes before I'm up and running again. And who says God doesn't answer a humanists prayers?
• I regret that I can't flip past FOX news channel without stopping, especially if that blowhole O'Reilly is on. As if I need to be reminded about what a dick he is.
• I regret that there is still no remote device that allows me to poke computer users in the eye when they do something that even mildly irritates me LIKE TYPING TWO PAGE EMAILS IN ALL CAPS, or correcting my spelling, or if they send me one of those prayer-wheel emails.
• And I regret that I don't have enough occult paraphernalia to leave casually about the yard in a way that would allow me to ward off certain types of potential neighbors that are eyeballing the vacant house next to mine.

In National News

In other news I got tracked down by the US Census Bureau today. I've been successfully avoiding them for some time but like the lady told me I can't hide forever. Just a heads up for anyone who reads this blog that is watching the census numbers, apparently all you need to do is add four to whatever total you have in front of you for the new correct total.

In Local news

My five year old daughter listens to my wife really closely. I can tell because when she was playing restaurant today with her little brother she was ordering seafood for both of them with a Ceasar side salad, and wine to drink.

In Entertainment News

I finally got around to seeing Sin City. It was playing at the dollar movie, so I went to the earliest show I could on a Sunday. I went by myself and figured I would be one of only a few--if any--people in the theater. I was wrong. There was a group of five guys in their late thirties or early forties dressed in their white shirts and ties. They sat not too far from me and talked quite loudly for the few minutes that remained before the movie started. This is what I gathered from their conversation:

• They were all married and church going members of the LDS faith (Living is Utah I have found there are a few Mormons around if you know where to look)
• They had told their wives that they were at a missionary farewell--something that they would attend away from their usual location of worship--this was the big cloak and dagger smokescreen so they could see an R-rated movie that is generally forbidden by the LDS faith.
• This was the "worst" thing one guy had ever done.

I thought it was kind of sad that they had to lie and sneak just to commit what seemed to be such a tiny little sin. I felt less bad for them once the movie started and they would giggle like schoolboys anytime there was anything even remotely sexual on the screen (it got really out of hand when the boobies started flying).

In other news

I am currently in the Market for a new fan club president. Duties are pretty lax, you don't have to make public appearances or speeches or anything like that. You don't even have to read my blog, just tell me that you do and that you think "its great" will be sufficient. You will also be expected to handle any fan mail... if I ever get any. You will no longer have to deal with my hate mail since Yale President Richard Levin has somehow obtained by private phone number and contacts me directly on a bi-weekly basis to give me shit about my blog.

106th entry!

I can’t believe this is already 106! What a landmark… ugh... Unfortunately, every single one of those entries represents a period of time that I focused on this project that could have been spent elsewhere. I guess any amount of time spent on anything COULD theoretically have been spent doing something else, but since you only spend time actually doing the things that you do why worry about what you could have or even should have done, because then you are only spending more time doing something that you probably shouldn’t? Even knowing this doesn’t change what you do. In a lot of cases worrying about it doesn’t help at all. The bottom line is that you didn’t do whatever it is you could have done, and to be perfectly cynical you probably won’t in the future either.

That’s why instead of trying to be clever or witty, I’m going to be a downer. Not because I should, because I could.

I have a lot of reason to be. But I have more reasons to be happy. In my real life (the life where my last name isn’t Blunderson and I don’t receive threats from an Ivy League College President) I have been going through a period of deep and intense introspection and am trying to figure out what is most important to me and which path I should choose from here (insert obligatory Robert Frost reference at your own leisure).

Part of that includes looking back through my hundred and five entries and watching certain events and moments from my life play out in a way where I am a third party spectator. This blog tells me a lot more about myself than anyone else. Its ironic perhaps that my blog, posted on the web for all to see, is actually an intensely personal exercise in my own existence.

Maybe that’s not ironic at all.

All I know is that the road toward my 212^th post is much less clear than I thought it was, and that I need to stay on the road to avoid meaningless wandering and getting lost.

more of the same

I have already made it clear that CNN.com has no interest in reporting real news. Today I discover that they don't even cover real "celebrity news." Here is a headline from today:

George Clooney stands up

Thanks for keeping me posted... jerks. I hope he doesn't stay on his feet for too long... being a busy celebrity and all.

CNN is on my list

It really frustrates me that media outlets are providing total crap and trying to pawn it of on the "consumer" as NEWS. A perfect example would be this little story from CNN.com, who have been notified that they are on my list:

Representatives for both B Affleck and J Garner confirmed the marriage to The Associated Press on Thursday. The publicists, Ken Sunshine and Nicole King, also for the first time confirmed that Garner is pregnant with her first child.

Who cares? If you are a person who considers this news, then you can be counted with the stupid people that are ruining this country. On the other hand, hooray for you since you don't have to wait for the next issue of PEOPLE magazine to get this hard-hitting story. I know the suspense would have killed you.

In case you haven't figured this out yet I can lay it down for you right here. I hate celebrities. Most "actors" in Hollywood films are untalented pretty faces who for the most part are big freakin idiots. I don't care who they date or what they wear. I don't want to hear their political views. I don't even want them to be reproducing but since I have little power over that I sure as hell don't want to know about it when they are.

I don't care if you are "method" all the way. I don't care if you were trained at Julliard. I don't care if you do your own stunts. Big deal! There is no way you are worth the millions you get paid. No fucking way!

Get out of my news and get out of my face. Celebrities are such a waste I want to kick the ass of anyone who even acknowledges their existence... especially little, bitter bloggers.

Oh yeah, and CNN why don't you report some damn news! I know it’s out there.

who am I supposed to believe

In the today I see a headline that reads:

NASA Chief: 'We're ready to go'

Only moments later I read another headline that says:

Panel: NASA falls short on safety points

I'm really concerned. I'm looking at what could very well be two conflicting news stories. The media is at it again! What am I supposed to think about this? Its not like I can blame the left wing media for one and the right for the other since I got them both on CNN.com which, as you probably know, is Whig from top to bottom.

How can I resolve this? Worse, who am I supposed to believe? The NASA Chief, steely-eyed bureaucrat if I ever saw one, or the "PANEL?" If you know anything about me you know I can never trust a panel. They're almost as bad as committees.

The worst part is that seeing these two headlines side by side I have to reconsider the pitfall of only reading the headlines. At first glance, it certainly appears that we may have two conflicting stories and opinions regarding one issue. But how can I be certain? How do I know that the NASA chief isn't talking about Swiss Steak Day in the cafeteria? Perhaps the panel is simply criticizing the much maligned janitorial staff at the Space Agency, which still refuses to spend a few bucks on those "slippery when wet" signs to post after mopping.

The only way I can ever be sure is take that last step--journey to that final frontier—and finally read a news story as opposed to only reading the headlines, followed by wild speculation...

In other words, I guess I'll never know.

life lessons - only twinkies that are swallowed will be counted

I often bag on my job at the soulless retailer but I have to admit that working there has taught me a number of valuable lessons.

For the most part, these lessons are very personal so I'm not going to talk about them here. I'm going to keep them to myself until I have my Tea Stand and can impart the wisdom like a Zen monk.

There is one thing I that I can not keep to myself. It's the kind of thing everyone (or the three and a half people who read my blog) needs to know today before it is way too late... a little ditty I like to call Rule Number Four.

thanks dimitri

My favorite comedian in the world is a guy named Dimitri Martin. Besides being an outstanding stand up comic he has been a contributing writer on Late Night with Conan, and The Daily Show.

If you don't know who he is or wonder why I think he's so great, here's a taste:

Sometimes I wonder if there is a person who is the worlds greatest tambourine player. Then I wonder if that guy is that much better than the worlds worst tambourine player… and how they both compare to a guy that’s really good at shaking stuff

married to a smart ass

As I was working on my blog one day, I asked my wife if usually was spelled with two l's.

She gave me that look, said "usually," and went back to what she was doing.

boy you sure got a potty mouth

There is a new report out on the mysterious diarrhea that is striking an alarming number of climbers on Mt McKinley. Whoever wrote this is going to hear from the International Board of Scientists who don’t use the word “Poo” in Medical Reports.

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (Reuters) -- Mountaineers who ascend North America's loftiest peak are often brought down to earth by "virus-laden poo" left behind by previous climbers, a medical report says.

Is it me or are medical reports less “formal” than they used to be?

tales from the dark side

I was with my bud after we had dropped his girlfriend off from school. She lived in a classy neighborhood with these monstrous houses. As we drove down the street one house in particular stood out and I wondered out loud who would live in such a place.

"uh..." my friend hesitated before revealing the best news I had ever heard. "Marie Osmond lives there."

That was too much. Armed with such information... how could I possibly escape the trappings of youth?
What would you do?

We toilet papered the place.

As grand as I remember this being, we only got part of the front porch and one fence. The yard had not been landscaped yet so there was only this spindly little tree in the front.

Get a few beers in me and it sounds like I was storming the beach at Normandy:

“Tex is down!”

“Help me, Sarge!”

“We can’t leave a man behind!”

I know it didn’t happen quite like that… But I still toilet papered Marie Osmond's house.

worries of mine

Years ago my wife gave me a T-shirt that read "Can't Sleep, Clowns Will Eat Me." Not only is it funny by itself besides being a not so obscure Simpsons reference, its funny for me since I am an insomniac with a propensity to worry. I’m sure that by now, this revelation is utterly shocking. And yes, that is your Sarcasma-Tron 5400 that just blew up while overloading, setting your curtains on fire.

Why do I worry? Firstly, it is my genetic predisposition. Secondly, I would stop worrying but I wonder who on earth would pick up the slack.

You see, I don't waste a lot of time worrying about stupid shit. Truth is its a scary world out there and someone has to remain vigilant. Why not me? I will gladly take this burden on myself. I'm going to worry anyway, right? And I promise I am only spending my time worrying about really important shit, like:

· when I flush the urinal it will spray pee in my face, even if I am not facing the urinal at the moment of flushing

· I might accidentally watch an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger

· I could develop a bizarre attraction to spiny fish

· my best friend might really, really love a song by the Backstreet Boys

· the new Dean Koontz book might NOT chronicle the perils of a writer being stalked by a villain with a high metabolism that allows him to eat as much junk food as he wants and never lose his sexy evil physique

· I could watch Pat Robertson in an interview and not hate his guts

· Fox News might actually be fair and balanced

· I'm going to pull up to a streetlight, it will turn purple and I will sit in shame not knowing what to do while people honk and point at me

· God not only answers the prayers of athletes in need of a 53 yard field goal with three seconds to spare, but such prayers are rushed to the front of the queue

· the Heathrow baggage retrieval system might not be up to snuff

· bacon causes cancer

· Michael Bay has been channeling Stanley Kubrik... since Bad Boys

· Yale President Richard Levin will discover who I really am and where I live and that some day he will show up on my doorstep to give me the grammatically correct ass-kicking I've got coming

· Prince might become a Unitarian thus shaming me into becoming something else.

· "the choice of a new generation" is actually RC Cola

· if by chance there is a Heaven and by some miracle I manage to make it there Jesus won't be able to tell me what’s going on in Lost.

· the words "thusly" and "fancy" (fancy as a verb) are going to catch on and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

If I don’t agonize over these pressing and universal issues, who will?

And you wonder why I can't sleep...