regrets and the "news"

I've mentioned that I have been examining my life a great deal lately and I have a whole list of regrets that haunt me and keep me up at night... some I can make good on, but there are several that seem to be that once in a lifetime-type creature and they are the ones that hurt the worst.

So here they are, my regrets, in no particular order:

• I regret that I paid money to see Madagascar. You'd think I'd have learned after Sharks Tale... I gotta remember my mantra "Dreamworks animated movies--both CG and traditional--suck if it doesn't have the word 'Shrek' in the title." I try to repeat that three or four times as I look in the mirror each day.
• I regret that I know how much it costs to have someone rubbed out, but I'm even more disturbed knowing I could afford it through financing.
• I regret that there were a couple of times while chatting on Yahoo (okay so I do sometimes Yahoo) I typed "lol" even though I didn't really.
• I really regret that I told Yale President Richard Levin that I didn't think he had the balls to "knock me in the teeth."
• I regret having canceled my dental insurance 2 days before Yale President Richard Levin showed up on my doorstep.
• I regret that I paid money for the Time-Life commemorative Civil War chess set. I have been getting a new piece about every other month for three years and I still can't play the damn game.
• I regret that when my sister had a chance to meet former Utah Jazz power forward Karl Malone and stick it to him for the family, I told her to take it easy on him
• I regret being a pacifist, but only at moments where I really should have kicked someone's ass
• I regret that my life to a point has become blogocentric, and that even though I read my best friends blog and he reads mine, some days when we're hanging out our blogs are all we talk about. Other problems associated with this are the horrible fear and anguish I feel if my internet connection isn't working properly, or on those rare occasions where my blog's server is down for routine maintenance... If I can't get my fix I collapse to the ground shouting "WHY GOD?! WHY MUST YOU PUNISH ME SO????" Usually its just a few minutes before I'm up and running again. And who says God doesn't answer a humanists prayers?
• I regret that I can't flip past FOX news channel without stopping, especially if that blowhole O'Reilly is on. As if I need to be reminded about what a dick he is.
• I regret that there is still no remote device that allows me to poke computer users in the eye when they do something that even mildly irritates me LIKE TYPING TWO PAGE EMAILS IN ALL CAPS, or correcting my spelling, or if they send me one of those prayer-wheel emails.
• And I regret that I don't have enough occult paraphernalia to leave casually about the yard in a way that would allow me to ward off certain types of potential neighbors that are eyeballing the vacant house next to mine.

In National News

In other news I got tracked down by the US Census Bureau today. I've been successfully avoiding them for some time but like the lady told me I can't hide forever. Just a heads up for anyone who reads this blog that is watching the census numbers, apparently all you need to do is add four to whatever total you have in front of you for the new correct total.

In Local news

My five year old daughter listens to my wife really closely. I can tell because when she was playing restaurant today with her little brother she was ordering seafood for both of them with a Ceasar side salad, and wine to drink.

In Entertainment News

I finally got around to seeing Sin City. It was playing at the dollar movie, so I went to the earliest show I could on a Sunday. I went by myself and figured I would be one of only a few--if any--people in the theater. I was wrong. There was a group of five guys in their late thirties or early forties dressed in their white shirts and ties. They sat not too far from me and talked quite loudly for the few minutes that remained before the movie started. This is what I gathered from their conversation:

• They were all married and church going members of the LDS faith (Living is Utah I have found there are a few Mormons around if you know where to look)
• They had told their wives that they were at a missionary farewell--something that they would attend away from their usual location of worship--this was the big cloak and dagger smokescreen so they could see an R-rated movie that is generally forbidden by the LDS faith.
• This was the "worst" thing one guy had ever done.

I thought it was kind of sad that they had to lie and sneak just to commit what seemed to be such a tiny little sin. I felt less bad for them once the movie started and they would giggle like schoolboys anytime there was anything even remotely sexual on the screen (it got really out of hand when the boobies started flying).

In other news

I am currently in the Market for a new fan club president. Duties are pretty lax, you don't have to make public appearances or speeches or anything like that. You don't even have to read my blog, just tell me that you do and that you think "its great" will be sufficient. You will also be expected to handle any fan mail... if I ever get any. You will no longer have to deal with my hate mail since Yale President Richard Levin has somehow obtained by private phone number and contacts me directly on a bi-weekly basis to give me shit about my blog.