a little about my town

There is a local company that has become infamous for editing out certain parts of certain movies. They're called Clean Flicks and I hate everything they stand for. Eech.

They have had a store in my own town for some time, but I don't pay much attention to it. This morning I happened past it. I saw something odd out of the corner of my eye and I've been grinning ever since.

By some cosmic joke or unfortunate font selection at first glance the sign outside the store appears to say "CLEAN FUCKS."

Perhaps it is simply my twisted little mind, but its not so much of a stretch... of course it looks more like this:

CLEAN FLICKS

Is it just me?

In other local news, there is a billboard just around the corner from my house. Very large, very prominent, right on Main Street and all that. I haven't paid much attention to it until I drove past it two days ago and saw it advertising Utah Pride Week and the Gay Pride Parade. Actually it was my brother who pointed that out, but still...

I have to admit I was quite shocked and impressed, considering I live in such a conservative little theocratic berg. I was so impressed I pointed it out to my sister yesterday as we drove past.

Of course, the billboard was now advertising BYU Independent Study.

How pathetically appropriate, I suppose.

For all I know the original billboard has been up for months and was simply changed as the add period expired. But something in my mind seriously doubts that. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if the change was made due threats from a mob bearing torches and pitchforks. Sadly, it wouldn't be the first time.

Finally, I have joked in the past that I am the least celebrated alumni at the tiny school I graduated from (check out my profile), but I have learned that they are giving my sister an Alumni Award today at their graduation ceremony. Congrats to my little sister who recently completed her Masters Degree at SMU in Piano Performance and for getting an award for doing something super great.

original comment from rainbrot - Just the tiniest dab of paint (or duct tape, or whatever) will fix that "clean flicks" sign RIGHT up.

this is so telling

According to the Hollywood Reporter:

LOS ANGELES, California (Hollywood Reporter) -- Several high-profile actresses have been let go from shows freshly picked up by UPN, Fox, NBC and the WB, days after the networks unveiled their fall lineups to advertisers.

One of the actresses in question would be Shannen Doherty. She will no longer be the star of the new show "Love, Inc.," for the UPN Network. Rumors abound that she is difficult to work with and how she was fired from 90210 and more recently "eased out" of Charmed.

Since I am in no way a fan of Ms Doherty I haven't seen a great deal of her work, but something in the back of my mind tells me the real reason she was let go was due to talent. The article quotes a UPN spokeswoman as saying "Shannen is a terrific actress," and we all know that UPN simply has no room on their schedule for a show featuring an actor or actress who is anything better than crap.

add this guy to my list

CNN.COM quoted The Amityville Horror remake director Andrew Douglas as he waxed philosophic regarding the high number of horror film releases this summer.

"This film comes out amid a whole raft of films. It is interesting what causes that," he said. "Do we get the culture we deserve, or do some people smarter than us give us the culture we want? It's a perennial question."

But his true genius was revealed when he went onto to explain why horror films are cheaper

Mr. Douglas notes that horror flicks are fantasies, and they deliver a higher jolt of fantasy than people get in real life.

He cited a couple of general rules for Hollywood's eagerness to make them. Generally speaking, they are less expensive because they use fewer stars, and they are easier to market due to their loyal fan base.

Although I do not completely disagree with Mr. Douglas (who is currently vying for position of "Unterhack with Uwe Boll) I feel he forgot to mention the most important reasons films like his are so cheap:

A lot of these films are not original ideas (i.e. remakes and re-imaginings--a word that makes my blood boil) so they don't really have to spend a lot of money on a script or rewrites. They can cut and paste a couple of horror classics together run it through Google language tools and then smooth everything out with MS Word spell-check, grammar correction, and thesaurus. You can bang out a script like this in a matter of days.

Since the title of your movie (in his case The Amityville Horror) already exists in the realm of popular culture along with the mythology and urban legends it encompasses, you save on a shit load of advertising because the studio can bank on the name recognition.

Americans are a bunch of dumb sheep so there’s a good chance some of them are going to pay to see the movie anyway. The Amityville Horror wasn't screened for critics so some sheep who might have been turned off to the film by a bad review lost somewhere between eight and ten bucks plus whatever they consumed in soda, popcorn, and jujubees. This is where you make your money back… the sheep.

Last but not least, after you have assembled a cast of people you don't have to pay, bastardized someone else’s ideas to formulate your script, saved a shitload of money in your advertising budget thanks to name recognition, you have to take the most important step in making a cheap horror movie. You get some lame-ass-know-nothing-jerk-wad who will sit in the director’s chair and yell action and cut from time to time, before he sends it off to the editing room where the film really starts to suck.

Am I bitter?

God yes.

I am CNN.com's toughest critic

CNN is reporting that endangered snow leopards were spotted on the southern slopes of Mount Everest.

This is really stupid reporting. Whether a snow leopard has spots actually has little or nothing to do with where it is seen. What a bunch of dumbasses.

no news is good news, right?

My rabidly loyal readers will have certainly noticed some bizarre changes in my recent blogging habits. First of all, it has been a hell of a long time since I have published more than a paragraph and even longer since I've written anything personal. I've even only updated at all three times in the last ten days.

What the hell is going on, you ask?

I've been really sick and not fun sick either like you may have been led to believe. The only kind of fun sick is when you're not really sick at all. But faking sick is not something I'm really big on... anymore. Back when I was in Jr. High School I was fun sick a lot. There was one stretch of time that I think I missed 8 Mondays in a row. That was awesome. Of course when I consider that being “fun sick” was only an avenue to avoid the complete and utter suffocation and misery that were my school years, it doesn't sound so great.

The last time I faked sick was in 1990. Mostly to avoid a crushing exam in chemistry, it was great for about 37 minutes... until the chest pains started. A few hours later the family doc was looking at my chest x-ray showing me what pneumonia looked like.

I was sick for months. Set me way back in school. I felt lost for the whole year. From then on I was too superstitious to fake sick again... for a while anyway.


Back to the present...

As I said, I've been sick and haven't felt like doing much. My wife took several days off of work to accommodate my illness--being a stay at home dad she was my pinch hitter for 2 and a half days. It didn't help that my kids were also sick. But she's a sweetie and took good care of me while I grumbled and stumbled about the house, coughing and wheezing and begging for death. Plus my stupid brother is moving his family to stupid France. Sorry, my brother is far from stupid but that doesn't mean I have to like it. France is so lucky.

Between that and being ill and kind of busy otherwise, I haven't really felt like blogging. The good news is I have tons of ideas on backlog. The bad news is that they all suck.

Just a warning for anyone hoping things are going to get better around here anytime soon.

this is how the world will end

I just read an article (yes I read the whole article and I'm as shocked as anyone) on CNN.com about how the US Government does not want to allow massive billboards to be parked in earth orbit that would not only be visible to the naked eye (they would appear about moon-size... at least, that's what the FAA speculates) but possibly obstruct our view of the heavens.

The author lamented the atrocity of polluting our skies with such filth. "Americans have so little tolerance for anything polluting our skies…"

Except for pollution, apparently.

Naturally I read this story on a webpage that bombarding me with no less than 7 different adverts.

this is not news

CNN.com reports that just hours after Star Wars Episode III was released in London, copies appeared for BitTorrent download on the internet.

As my good friend Steve Zahn would say - Durr!

work stuff

The soulless retailer that employs my sorry ass sells two types of Mead Composition notebooks. There are "regular" where the wannabe Jackson Pollock cover is black, and there are "colored" which come in purple, red, yellow and green.

They sit side by side on the rack. One label (for the black notebooks) reads "mead composition book," while the other reads "colored mead composition book."

Lately I've noticed on nights when I don't work, people have been stacking the black notebooks in the space labeled "colored."

Should this bother me?

This entry is just for my friend Pat

AP reports that the Coliseum fan who threw a cup of beer at Yankees "slugger" Jason Giambi will be charged on multiple counts.

The really bad news is that, much like most of what is being thrown at Giambi this season, the Yankees star swung and missed before heading back to the dugout soaked with delicious Duff Beer.

"I don't know what happened," says the dejected Giambi. "The first thing you learn in baseball is to ALWAYS expect a beer high and tight... what can I say? Sometimes nothing goes your way."

huh...

You can't spell the word LIKED without LIED.

What does this mean? It means that I now know 5,683,423 things that have little or no relevance.

Hooray for me

I love the swiss!

Much is being made regarding the wrapping of a glacier at a Ski resort in Switzerland.

On a personal note, I'd just like to thank to the Swiss for reminding us all once again that everything lasts longer wrapped.

as if this will change anything

CNN.com reports:

Eighty-nine Democratic members of the U.S. Congress last week sent President George W. Bush a letter asking for explanation of a secret British memo that said "intelligence and facts were being fixed" to support the Iraq war in mid-2002 -- well before the president brought the issue to Congress for approval.

We'll just have to file that one away at the US Department of NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!

I wonder who history will portray in a less favorable light. George W Bush, or the American people who more than willingly grabbed their ankles so they could repeatedly take it from a guy who is about as "folksy" as I am well-dressed.

damn dirty network execs!

Rarely a week goes by that I’m not raging about some rumored remake of a Hollywood classic, recklessly spewing my bitter disgust at the utter blasphemy of it all while affirming my loyalty to the original.

Today I cry blasphemy and it doesn't even involve the uberhack, but the sin being committed may be the most grievous to date. This time we find Network Goons committing the heinous crime. I can't possibly be alone in thinking this may very well be the worst idea since Disney announced they were planning Toy Story 3 without Pixar.

Why am I so upset?

Hallmark Entertainment is just weeks away from lensing a two-part, $20 million remake of The Ten Commandments for ABC.

All I can say to you stupid bastards is:

"Wheres your Charlton Heston & Edward G Robinson now?!"

breaktime conversation

I was sitting with my friends at work one night during our 15 minute break, discussing (brace yourself!) some of the less than favorable aspects of our employment. The conversation was dominated for the most part by one woman who was talking very loud, using the word "specifically" more than she really had to.

But she wasn't saying "specifically." She was actually saying "pacifically."

One of us asked her if she was "... sure she wasn't speaking atlantically?"

She didn't get it.

RIP Herb Sargent

Hollywood Reporter reports that Herb Sargent died Friday in New York at the age of 81.

He was a six-time Emmy winner who wrote for such legends as Johnny Carson, Steve Allen, Burt Bacharach, Sammy Davis Jr., Milton Berle, Lily Tomlin, and Victor Borge.

All I really know about Herb is that he worked on Saturday Night Live for 20 years and had the same last name as me. He mentored countless comedy writers and inspired many others including myself... a fact that will pay off the day I finally write something funny.

I'll miss ya Herb. Thank You for making this crazy world a little more bearable from time to time.

worst way to die

I've just started watching the 1976 action classic Project: Kill starring Leslie Neilson. Although I'm only about 20 minutes into the film, I have already learned 2 vital pieces of information:

1. Leslie Neilson was apparently born old.

2. The worst way to die would be death by a toenail clipping.

I'm not sure how number 2 would play out exactly... its something that was mentioned very early on in the film, but it enough to keep me watching.

The worst part about it is that I now have one more thing to fear - that I will die at the hands of some maniac wielding the most cunning of weapons, a toenail. As if I need anything else to haunt me during my sleepless nights...

I get fun-sick.

Now I have a sore throat, and I can unequivocally state that I know how many is too many popsicles...

Twenty-three.

Only problem is, now I am REALLY sick. Even fun-sick is no fun.

Visit to Dr. Dorkwad

My 5 year old came down with a sore throat. The doctor told her she can have all the slushies and popsicles she wants...

Every ten minutes or so my lovely daughter asks for ANOTHER popsicle. At what point do I draw the line? I realize she is sick, but is my little sweetie going to OD on popsicles? How many is too many?

Four? Five? Twelve?!

The worst part is that if I hesitate for even a microsecond when she requests another I get to hear this gem: "But the Doctor said... "

ARGH!

And yes, I am extremely jealous… I never get fun-sick. I guess I have the wrong illnesses.

how approriate

Voice of America reports: Bush to Mark End of World War II in Europe

Well isn't that fitting? If there is one this President Bush knows, its marking the end of a war.

The story goes onto say:

[Pres Bush] will take part in ceremonies marking the 60th anniversary of the defeat of Nazism. He will meet with veterans and make remarks at the Netherlands American Cemetery, where more than 8,000 Americans are buried.

Too bad he won't be participating from the deck of an aircraft carrier, while wearing a jump suit, standing in front of a big sign announcing our victory.

Oh well...

can food be news?

I am a little weary of most things being labeled "news" these days. Food would definitely fall into that. Is food news? Not speaking in terms of health or science, but just in general...

For example, The Salt Lake Tribune reports that "There is something casual and lighthearted about a Frittata"

Says you.

great news

After having been victimized by one crappy horror film after another for far too long...

News from WETA WORKSHOP that they are prepping digital effects for a movie about killer sheep.

Does it get any better than this?

the blog heard round the world

I realize that I simply have to accept the fact that when someone comes up with anything clever it will inevitably be beaten to death and beyond by any Tom, Dick, and Futzroy who wants to appear clever at all.

Anyone who has read my resume will be aware that I myself have been known to engage in such behavior (If you don't believe that you can ask Pat about "boooooo!"). Hell, there are even times when I encourage it.

But is there a point at which we can all agree that the corpse in question should be retired?

An example of such (in this case a phrase) would be "the shot heard round the world." This line needs to be hung from the rafters in a place of honor and most of its variations need to be thrown out in the trash.

If memory serves me correctly (thank you Iron Chef), the phrase was initially used to describe the Battle of Lexington Green that marked the beginning of the Revolutionary War way back in 1775. Since that time it has been used to describe anything and everything, including but not limited to" slurps, click, home brewed ads, calls, slides, and an uncountable number of sports cliches... oy.

I guess we're just waiting for the porn title and then we can call it a day.

is this too much to ask?

Hey Dr. Phil... (and I use that abbreviation lightly)

Shut the fuck up already!

volunteers needed

CNN.Com is reports:

The U.S. Geological Survey said Friday that monitoring gaps exist for volcanoes in Alaska, California, Washington, Oregon, Hawaii, Wyoming and the Northern Mariana Islands that could pose a hazard both on the ground and to aviation.

The report reviews the hazard of 169 volcanoes in the U.S. and its territories and calls for a 24-hour, seven-day Volcano Watch Office and increased monitoring at many of the peaks.

The article goes on to say:

Monitoring volcanoes in advance of problems is essential to help develop emergency response plans to keep communities safe, he said.

I wholeheartedly agree that this is important, but I worry that the USGS is underselling this position. Wouldn’t it be possible for these watchers to—while monitoring these volcanoes—keep an eye out for other threats simultaneously?

• Bigfoot
• Zombies
• Rabid Killer Ducks
• UFO’s & Aliens (including but not limited to Shape-Shifting Reptilians, the Blob, Kahn)
• Compassionate Conservatism

Having advance warning of any of these immanent threats would be vital in developing emergency plans to keep our world safe from all that threatens us.