oh hell yes

Good times ahead with killer sheep ! Need I say more?

Edit - Anyone happen to recall this entry? I've been waiting for this movie for a long time.

can not wait

Until there is a trailer for My Name is Bruce, there isn't really anything I want to see more than this movie right here. I dig the subtle references to Shaun on the Dead, and I support cloning in the case of Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg on the basis that they could make more movies that way.

If you are looking forward to Reno 911: Miami, please consider this film, also due out early next year that was written by Ben Garant (Dep. Travis Junior) and Thomas Lennon (Lt. Jim Dangle). I think they should charge people to read the premise of Balls of Fury, since alone it is worth the price of admission as far as I am concerned...

Down-and-out former professional ping-pong phenom, Randy Daytona (Dan Fogler), is sucked into the world of underground Ping-Pong tournaments when FBI Agent Rodriguez (George Lopez) recruits him for a secret mission. Randy is determined to bounce back and win, and to smoke out his father's killer--arch-fiend Feng (Christopher Walken).

The trailer for this fine film is just a few mouse clicks away.

Update: I had to open my big mouth, didn't I? Both movies have been pushed back until April 2007 release dates. DAMMIT!

stuff we just don't need anymore

I'm really tired of people saying "Look at me! I'm going to have my cake and eat it too!" right before they actually take a bite of cake. Last I checked there was literally one guy who has not heard or made this joke. His name is Zagreb Dimiskrikov, he lives on the northern tip of lake Baikal, and there are days I wish I could be that guy.

I'm also tired of people who are constantly bagging on organized religion. Enough already. I personally like that there are organized religions as it makes it so much easier for me to identify blowhards from a distance.

Blogs that suck need to be deleted. How do you know if you're blog sucks? If you've blogged about the greatest ordeal you've faced in life and it involves putting soft paws on your cat, your vintage corvette, or that article in People magazine that really set you off... well, you need to fuck off already.

And there is no place for people who tell a generalized group of other people to "fuck off already." It is unaccaeptable.

Speaking of cats, I miss my cat. We put soft paws on her once...

Utah politics must go. It may have to do with the fact that the town I live in considers the "left" to be only mildly psychotically arch-conservative. Actual liberals like me are considered minions satan. I try to tell people that is only my weekend gig, but I don't think they get the joke.

People who don't get jokes, especially bad jokes by a part-time wise-arse like me.

people who over-use hyphens.

People who use enough ellipsis to make Larry King want to use a comma... or something like that.

You know there is something wrong in the world when you "google" Trans Siberian Railroad and you end up with nearly as many results for the Trans Siberian Orchestra. Excuse me while I vomit. If I'm every interested in listening to filth of that ilk, I'll purchase any one of the billions and billions of Kurt Bestor or Sam Cardon albums that sit collecting dust on the shelves of the Utah used CD stores. I'd much rather support local "grabage."

People who write the word "thanks" with an X have no place in this world. And people who spell "excuse" without the first e.

One more thing that absolutely has to go are people who make lists of all the crap they are tired of instead of putting thought into an actual blog entry.

rip dave cockrum

CNN.com reports that comic book illustrator Dave Cockrum passed away at the age of 63 while wearing his Superman pajamas and covered with his Batman blanket. Friends say he will be cremated while wearing a Green Lantern shirt. No joke here, just a moment of silence for a legend.

shameless self promotion

I'm horrible at promoting myself but if you're out there and haven't heard it yet, feel free to check out my take on some music from The Fountain. Clint Mansell wrote an amazing score for the film and it was most excellent to get a chance to work with his source material. It looks as though my own effort will probably get slammed for being too reverential to the source material but I am more than happy with the result I got, linking one Mansell theme to another (from another film no less) in my own subtle way. I approached the endeavor with a "less is more" attitude, take it or leave it. Remixing really isn't my thing though, I prefer to work with my own ideas, no matter how bad they might be.

wish I had a time machine

I would go back in time and stop me from buying and later ingesting the burrito I purchased at 7-11 which calls itself "the bomb."

where is the pulse again?

The good news is that S-Mart--the soulless retailer that employs my sorry ass--is hiring. Why is this good news? Because someone at 20th Century Fox is going to need a job. Maybe a lot of people.

In one of the most spectacular miscalculations in recent history Fox reduced the amount of screens that Borat would open up on. They cut it down to a mere 800 screens... you could almost call that a limited release these days. The reason they cut the number of screens to feature the critically acclaimed comedy was they felt people would rather see something else, or perhaps anything else.

OOPS.

Borat pulled in 9 million duckie (half of its production budget right there) in one day on those 800 screens. That's pretty good for a film that no one wants to see, unlike the Santa Clause 3 which made just 5 million on four times as many screens.

Like I said: Oops

-after the original post-

Early estimates for the weekend have Borat #1 at the US boxoffice outpacing the family friendly double punch consisting of Tim Allen in a fat suit and the CG offering from Ardaman with 26 Million, and a worldwide take of 44 million dollars in 3 days. Having just seen the film, I can only say that it was even better than I was expecting and I expected it to be really good.

will someone please make some news?

CNN.com reports that "Joey Buttafuoco is getting a little break."

I must admit I have dreams of hearing the words "Joey Buttafuoco" and "break" in the same sentence, but that's not exactly what I had in mind.

"did john henry die for nothing?"

Last night some friends were over for nickel and dime poker. One of them told us how he refused to use the self-checkout at soulless retailers. In order to repel some of the derision and giggles he invoked the name of John Henry, great American folk hero.

Though I didn’t give him much support last night, the more I think about it, the more I have to agree. Self-checkout is an atrocity. It is a perfect metaphor for the soulless, faceless corporation that is gutting the “mom and pop” small town retailers.

It is also quite literally soulless and faceless, and when the machine revolution comes I can promise you the automated or “self” checkout units are going to be right there on the front lines... although I'm not quite sure what they will do exactly. Do they have arms? Anything they can stab with?

I think it could also be humiliating to some (not all, mind you) cashiers. Don’t you hate when someone walks into your place of employment—some Joe Schmoe off the street—and conveys that he can do your job as well as you can. When you shop at a store and use the self-checkout, you might as well shout to every cashier you see “I can do your job, asshole!”

Worst of all, the self-checkout is eliminating one more human aspect to our existence. Interaction is a vital part of being a human and the more we eliminate that from our lives the less human we become.

I for one am not going to use them ever again. Maybe I’ll have to wait a little longer. Maybe I’ll have to tolerate a real dumbass cashier every now and then. But at least I will retain my humanity.

If you use self-checkout, you are basically pissing on John Henry’s grave. You are also proclaiming your contempt toward the plight of the American worker. And since John Henry was black, it probably means you hate black people too.

have you met my good friend?

I have always had a very strange regard for MySpace. I will not deny that I do have an account of my own, I will probably not deny that I did it only because a friend of mine did one first, and I will never deny that it serves an important role in my life since it is the primary means by which I am able to stay in touch with certain people who mean a great deal to me.

Besides real friends, I have made “friends” with a handful of celebrities. Some of my celebrity friends—take Kevin Smith for example—are people who actually spend a lot of time on the internet and put a lot of effort into their pages. Others, like the Spinal Tap page, are not as fun as they should be because there is no real interaction going on.

I know that these celebrities aren’t really my friends, but it’s nice to pretend that they are every once in a while... I mean, that is what the internet is all about, right? Pretending?

Every once in a while one of my not-really-my-friends will post something that makes me think that we would be best buds if only given the chance. My latest not-really-my-friend is Darren Aronofsky, and he posted something in his MySpace blog about how procrastination is a part of writing.

I totally agree with that. I have always felt that procrastination and interruption are an integral part of the writing process but it’s not something they tend to teach in college or high school writing classes where all of your assignments have a due date.

It feels good to make a connection like that with someone who I look up to. Not only that, but considering his “educated” attitude towards writing, I can’t help but think Mr. Aronofsky is a guy who would not only purchase but truly appreciate my autobiography: Who is this Noodles person?

If you don’t believe me, check out a sampling from the first chapter…

“…I was born on the heels of the Watergate scandal in the heart of one of the most—Oh look, something shiny!”

So far that’s all I have. I hope you were able to get as much out of it as I put into it. It was a labor of love… Love for shiny, shiny things...

music at work

Each night while we're unloading the truck at S-Mart we listen to one of those radio stations that plays random music as a gimmick, even though they play pretty much the same random music every couple of nights.

One of the songs I hear every time I work is "Super Freak" by Rick James, which is a song I really dig.

Except for the line where he sings "She's a very freaky girl. The kind you don't take home to mother." That line doesn't sit well with me.

Rick James obviously never met my mother.

TV is confusing

Is it me, or is it strange that the new NBC show Friday Night Lights is going to be on Tuesday nights?

NOMAD

Anyone familiar with the whole scandal involving the Borat movie—as sad and hysterical as that is—is likely aware that in an effort to counter the “negative publicity” from Borat, Kazakhstan has made the most expensive movie in their country’s history. It’s called Nomad, and from what I have seen it has potential. If you don’t believe me take a look for yourself, although be warned that this page does play the first few minutes of the film automatically.

http://www.universcinema.com/ww/chfr/film/nomad.html

The film also has an official webpage—a page that plays music once it is all loaded up. You can view the trailer using the second link from the left hand side at the bottom of the page.

http://www.kochevnik-film.ru

The film looks both intriguing and epic, and promises plenty of violence so I’m already on board. I’m really taken by the production values, perhaps because I figured this movie would look lame… I can't say why I expected that, but I swear it is not because I am a huge Borat fan.

I’m 100% behind Borat. This is definitely one of the few movies I am looking forward to seeing this fall along with The Fountain, The Prestige, Tenacious D, and Babel… its looking to be a good season, which will be followed by a way decent winter considering Pan’s Labyrinth is due out before the end of the year and has already earned a nomination for the Mexican equivalent of an Academy Award in the foreign language category. Besides, anyone who doesn’t worship Guillermo Del Toro sucks rhino dick… that happens to be a crime in this and many countries… sucking the rhino dick, not harboring less than warm feelings for Mr. Del Toro although that should be.

But I digress…

I am intrigued that Nomad happens to star, among other American actors, a man named Mark Dacascos. This is the guy who plays “The Chairman” on Iron Chef America. Why do I worry that he will only have a cameo where he appears at some point with his Iron Chefs to announce that today’s secret ingredient is Sacha Baron Cohen’s nuts?

To be fair, Mark Dacascos is an impressive martial artist. The only movie I have seen him in is The Brotherhood of the Wolf, which has such amazing cinematography it will almost make you forget that it was made by a bunch of America hating French.

fall movie preview

I was going to take a moment and present a list of films set to be released this fall but as I looked over my information, there was only one burning question in my mind…

What’s the point?

The only movie worth seeing isn’t due out until next year, so why waste your money on films that will be arguably inferior and ultimately a waste of your time.

The film I speak of - My Name Is Bruce.

Anyone who has been waiting for Evil Dead 4 knows that the possibility of it being made is about as likely as Pat Robertson not being an anti-semite. Sam Raimi would have to run the Spiderman franchise into the ground and then some for there to be any remote chance of another Evil Dead.

My Name Is Bruce is a little film starring legendary B movie actor Bruce Campbell playing... well, Bruce Campbell as he is mistaken for Ash from the Evil Dead movies by the citizens of a town with a real demon problem.

What more do you need?

The film’s cast includes Ted Raimi, and since Bruce is also directing the film, we can be sure that there will be enough classic one-liners and fake shemping to last us for years and years.

My Name Is Bruce is currently in post-production and is set to be released next year.

As a side note to all of this, there are people all over the internet who keep calling this movie They Call Me Bruce which is actually the name of a very silly kung fu movie from the 80’s about a Korean guy who keeps getting mistaken for Bruce Lee. One of the scenes that sticks out in my mind is where he is trying to convince some cops that his nunchucks are his chopsticks. “I’m a big eater,” he says… but its been years since I’ve seen it. There is also a sequel called They STILL Call Me Bruce.

alone and afraid

Even in a “mature” age, I occasionally find myself with misgivings about being alone. A creak, a bump, any sound no matter how insignificantly mundane or ubiquitous can be transformed into something concerning or even shockingly frightening for the tiniest of moments. I freeze in my tracks as adrenaline washes over me… a sensation that passes in the microseconds that span the time it takes my brain to process the experience. I quickly return to a state of ease as I try to ignore that fleeting moment of embarrassment that comes from jumping at the sound of a venetian blind snapping back against an open window in the afternoon breeze.

I like to cook when I’m alone in the house. Not only does it help me relax, but there is something especially gratifying about spending a lot of time preparing and cooking a meal that only you will eat. There are fears that haunt me as I cook by myself. These fears are exponentially more fantastic than those associated with simply being alone. They involve complex narratives that unfold vividly in my mind which is cursed by a hero’s helping of a morbid active imagination, involving atmosphere and characters and occasionally subplots. The most common of these horrific fantasies is most likely a fear that is more common than I like to think.

How many times has this happened to you?

I have spent an evening chopping and prepping a fine bird with shallots, potatoes, and other various accoutrements, and have put it in a perfectly preheated oven. I sit down on the couch to read a book as my meager living space gradually fills with the smells of culinary temptation so splendid that a pathetic wordsmith such as me could never describe them with reasonable justice.

Minutes pass too slowly. The aroma begins to consume my mind from the outside in. Soon it is impossible to concentrate on my reading. It is then that the phone rings. It startles me, waking me from a dream I never want to end. I answer it without hesitation.

“Hello?”

Nothing is my answer. Again, I say “hello?”

Then I hear it. The whispering desperate voice that causes my heart to pound even before I hear all the words it articulates “have you checked the chicken?!”

I just hope the call isn’t coming from inside my own house…

Mr Blunderson is a regular contributor to absolutely nothing… not even his own blog.

this was bound to happen

CNN.COM reports that a body has washed up near where a crew was shooting a scene for CSI: Miami. I guess that is a little irony... kind of like if the Friends cast went and hung out at a coffe shop between takes, or if someone got a parking ticket outside the Law & Order set.

According to the article, this is not the first time this has happend near or at a CSI set. No surprise there I suppose... there must be 8 thousand different CSI spinoffs. Something bad is bound to happen near one of them. That's just the law of averages right there.

oh hello Mr. Clooney

CNN.COM headline from the entertainment section - "Clooney, Nobel winner demand Darfur action." Will someone tell me what is entertaining about that?

I suppose it might be a well placed story considering that PEOPLE magazine readers could probably take a break from the "usual" and get a taste of what’s going on in the world. Perhaps they will realize there are greater tragedies than missing the latest gossip on Brittney and Kevin or even just George Clooney.

My concern is that this is going to turn me off to reading entertainment news. It's where I go to find stories that will not challenge me, and certainly not be a considered a "downer." Whatever you may think of Mr. Clooney or celebrities who are "getting involved" this story seems like real news to me, and should be grouped thusly. This whole thing reeks of a "you got chocolate in my peanut butter" type situation without the delicious results.

In some REAL entertainment news, I see that Ashton Kutcher is in a movie with Kevin Costner called The Guardian. Apparently, one plays a young man who joins the coast guard to fill a void in his life and is taken under the wing of a gritty hardened yet renowned rescue swimmer, and I can’t wait to find out who plays what.

I also want to know which one will be the “port in the storm” and which will be the “line in the sand.” And I can’t help but wonder if and when this movie bombs at the box office if Kevin Costner won’t jump into Ashton’s face suddenly and shout “I punk’d you BEEOTCH!”

In the real world, I’ve recently been getting really tired of comments made by some of my co-workers at the soulless retailer concerning other employees who they think are beneath them. It’s getting to the point where I might choke on the smug, and that pisses me off. Let me let you in on a little secret: Even if you are better than everyone else at S-Mart, you are still only the best at S-Mart and that doesn’t mean shit.

adventures in sleep deprivation

you know that you are not getting enough sleep when you try to put these on -

but then you realize you have actually put on this -

at least there were only about 15 people who witnessed this...

did the circus ever not suck?

Maybe I haven’t given the circus enough of a chance, perhaps I am too dense to grasp the finer nuances but in my limited experience I can tell you I truly believe the circus sucks massive ass.

And by circus I mean all circuses.

My first experience with anything circus related was the movie Dumbo. What I learned from Dumbo is that most circus animals are dicks. I may have been a little sensitive to the treatment the little elephant got in the early portion of that film since I grew up short, or perhaps I’m projecting all over the place... All of that aside, I can't with a clear conscience support animals that are dicks.

Also as a wee lad I recall watching Circus of the Stars with my family on that one special Sunday every year. Even though I was young I was well aware that it was a total crap fest. The obvious appeal of the show was the possibility of disaster. I was always hoping someone got mauled, but a fall from a tight rope or similar circus apparatus would have been equally satisfying. Although it may have been sad to lose one of our precious celebrities, it's not like they are hard to find. I can't think of a single person I would have felt too bad for if they had messed up even a little… except for Eric Estrada. He was fucking okay in my book.

My first time going to an actual live circus was while I was in grade school. Barnum & Bailey made a stop at what was then the Salt Palace, that lovely hat-box of a building that no longer graces the Salt Lake City skyline. It was pretty amazing, but a 3 ring circus of that magnitude can only exacerbate ADD. It certainly did mine and I don't even have ADD. The biggest problem with the show was spectacle or not, the damn thing went on and on and on for so long that the “ooh and ah” factor gave way to the “can we go the hell home?” mindset well before it should have. I was a kid under the age of ten at the time and kids never want to leave anything, except maybe vaccinations.

Twice in my high school years I stopped and ate at the Circus Circus buffet. I really wish I could tell you that one of those occasions was not a marching band trip, I really do. And I know this isn’t a real circus or remotely related to an actual circus, but I would like to put in my seven cents regarding buffets anywhere. What is the big deal? What is so great about food that’s been picked over by everyone in the line in front of me. What is so appetizing about looking at steaming trays of so-called food through the windows still clouded by the breath of the people that were standing there just moments before. And do you really expect me to believe that I’m getting some crazy good deal on the food when technically I’m doing most of the work?

But I digress.

A summer or two ago a Circus who’s name I can not remember came sweeping through town. They had a big tent, they had ponies and tigers, and the kids got in free. The adult prices were enough to send us into the poorer house but they didn’t post that information until we were so close to the show that our children were frothing at the mouth for camel and tight rope related entertainment. In other words, we were pretty much fucked.

We forked over the cash and found some seats in the tent… which was only about 8 Beellion degrees inside. I may have lost 10 pounds just sitting through that show—which was perhaps the most lame form of entertainment that I had paid to witness since I shelled out six bucks to “feel the earth shake” on fisherman’s wharf back in 1989 (that will teach me to sit on some strangers lap).

Like the Barnum & Baily Circus, this show was way too long and this time it had the added bonus of being exponentially less spectacular than the B & B show I had seen in my youth. There was a magic act that disturbed the children (involving a burned corpse gag), there was the highly touted white bengal tiger (the poster for the show said “tigers” but it is the circus and humbug should be expected) that was in the arena for 57 seconds and did nothing but sit on a stool and wave its paw before being ushered back to it's holding area. “Wild animal spectacular” my ass.

Don’t even get me started on the clowns. The clowns seemed to be putting in a less than half-hearted effort, resulting in not being funny or entertaining at all… but that may have been because I was suffering from heat stroke at the time. I do remember every few minutes a clown was trying to sell me something. That is what annoyed me the most. It was like being put on the top of the “please call me” list for telemarketers.

All in all there were a few impressive moments, but not enough to overcome the heat and how long and how lame the damn show was.

I should at least give the circus… people… props as I realize they scrape out their living by putting their lives on the line for cash and admiration. I have no idea what kind of bank they pull in but I can make a few guesses since I never once saw the inside of a circus performers house on “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.” Come to think of it, I don’t think I even saw the outside of a circus performers house on that show.

Oh who am I kidding? I never watched that show. In those days I was too busy trying to get a peek at the Solid Gold dancers, and I couldn’t even watch them at my house if my mom happened to be home.

What is my point? The point is that I am bitter because even though I am a lowly peon for a soulless retailer there isn’t a day that I work where I don’t put my life on the line for the cash and admiration… (except for the cash—its not the worlds best paying job—and since I work graveyards while the store is closed there isn’t really anyone who can admire what I do) but still, you don’t see anyone giving me a big parade when I roll into to town.

Shit, I’d settle for a thank you note.

Update - I forgot to mention that a Google search of George Bush and Circus gave me more than 3 Meellion results. George Bush and fucking clown only came up with 6. Who would have thought?

I am so bummed

For a very long time I had considered taking a picture of the sign this particular business had up at their car lot but I never did. I tracked them down in the phone book but its just not the same. For whatever reason they have now changed their name. This is a move I wholeheartedly support, as I was always a little disturbed by the old name:

Was this simply an effort to be… klever that resulted in a tasteless miscalculation? Was it someone trying to be funny… another case of tasteless miscalculation? Or was there something more sinister going on here? Should it bother me that this place only sold white cars?
Should it concern me more that they changed the name to FAIR DEAL?
Then again, maybe its just one of a million crappy used car lots and I should move on to thinking about something really important. Speaking of which, does anyone know if Tom Hanks has cut his Da Vinci Code hair yet?

Good Bye

I can't believe I forgot to say goodbye to Clean Flicks. Those filthy self righteous sanitizing bastards no longer have a store in my little town or anywhere, thanks to a judge in Denver who ruled in favor of that crazy little thing called... what was it? Oh yeah. THE LAW.

My only regret is that I failed to say "good fucking bye you fucking pricks" so many weeks ago when it would have been relevant.

you know I live in a small town when...

Today I popped in the grocery store by my house for a few things for dinner. I totally blew the guys mind when I asked for hummus. He stood there looking at me as though he couldn't decide whether I was making something up as if to fuck with him or if it was okay for him to admit he had no idea what I was talking about.
"I have no idea what that is," he finally told me before asking me what the hell hummus was.
I explained to him what it was, but that didn't really seem to help. The guy got this vacant look in his eyes and said "I have... no... idea what that is."
I should cut the guy some slack. This is Springville, Utah after all. He could probably go another 35-40 years without getting that question again.

update - a Google search for "hummus" results in about 5,730,000 pages. I only looked at one in my deep research for this blog entry, and that was a wikipedia entry. One thing I often do after I search for anything online is do another search for that thing (in this case hummus, obviously) and George Bush. Always good for a laugh (well... usually) but today I found this site http://flickr.com/photos/camera/1697539/ which seems to indicate that although he sucks as a president, Mr. Bush tastes great on a cracker... or a pita as the case may be.

what is wrong with people?

this is how you know the world is fucked:

..."Oh no I don't watch television anymore--it will make you stupid so I simply do not watch it at all. Well, I do watch the Simple Life. It's really good..."


this was spoken by a woman behind me in line at the supermarket to a friend in part of a conversation lamenting the decline of intelligence in America. I guess she didn't stop watching TV soon enough.

eh?

While at work for the soulless retailer, I noticed we were selling packages of flash cards that contain state trivia. Funny thing though, there are only 36 cards. I didn't have a chance to look inside, but I can't help but wonder why they didn't include 1 card for each state. Is it possible that there are 14 states that are simply not interesting enough to be worth one factoid printed on a card?

The other thing I wonder about regards the lear jet that crashed that happened to be registered to Pat Robertson. Should someone start taking bets on how long it will him to blame gays and atheists for the tragedy? I'm putting 20 bucks on a week to the day.

why I love Kevin Smith

People wonder why I love Kevin Smith

Well don't. The guy rules. The latest trailer for Clerks 2 tells it all

http://youtube.com/watch?v=xhu_qDdGSNU

His film showed at Cannes and got an 8 minute standing ovation. The guy has been busting his arse making the movies only he can, and all indicators point to this latest effort as being nothing less than everything his die hard fans could want. On a scale of 1 to awesome, Clerks 2 rates super great.

stop me before I hurt myself

I've been tracking The Da Vinci Code's rating on rottentomatoes.com.

If you are unfamiliar with how the website works, it tallies reviews from papers and on-line sources to come up with a composite score to tell people (who like to be told what to think ) how good or bad a small fraction of the population think a movie is. The more favorable reviews a film recieves, the higher the percentage.

For example, The Green Mile recieved a score of 80%. Another Tom Hanks film Castaway recieved and 87%. According to the system those are a couple of good movies.

Right now, The Da Vinci Code rates a 19%. You can take that or leave it. But I do worry over the state of the world when a movie starring Tom Hanks and directed by Ron Howard rates lower than RV (24%).

Another feature this website provides is the "You Might Also Like" section. Here they list films that generally feature the same leading actor as the one being spotlighted. Since the list in this case is obviously a bunch of Tom Hanks movies, I find it amusing that the website suggests that "if you liked The Da Vinci Code, The Road to Perdition might also interest you."

From what I gather, there are people (Opus Dei, etc.) out there who would agree.

hoffa is not in my pants

Why can't this thing go away? Its been what, 30 years? 31?!

I get that a lot of people are caught up in what happened to Jimmy Hoffa but I am to the point where I'm as interested in hearing about where he might be as I am in watching an episode of the Surreal Life with Jose Canseco. So what if he is there? Who cares? Does it even matter if he's still alive? (those last three questions could go either Hoffa or Canseco I suppose)

What is it about big Jim that causes so many of us to feel a desperate need for closure?

I for one feel the on again/off again efforts to find even a trace of Hoffa are not only half-assed and tedious, but a perfect reflection of American society as a whole. Our attention span has grown short and impatient (think for a moment of 250 million Abraham J simpsons and you get where I'm comming from). How it has come to this involves a discussion that I'm not interested in and I certainly don't care for (see what I did there?). But like most things that get us all excited, it is far too late to glean anything from all the hubub that could benefit any of us intellectually or otherwise. If they do find Jimbo, we'll buzz like the pathetic media sheep that we are, then go back to watching TiVo'd episodes of America's Next Top Model.


Or in my case, The Surreal Life with Jose Canseco.


If the Feds really want to find Hoffa, they should probably start looking everywhere. I realize that sounds like a lot of work, but if I've learned anything about being an American these last few years it would be that it is not wrong to waste time, money, or even lives on any endeavor as long as we stick to our guns no matter how wrong we end up being... in the end. If we start today we could complete that task by 3037. It may amount to a colossal waste of time, but at least we'll have found Jimmy Hoffa, and even I have to admit that that will have been more worthwhile than most of the other things we're doing right now.


And then we can focus on problems that truly affect us as people in what I like to call "the actual world."


Questions like: When the fuck is Tom Hanks going to cut his hair?


Seriously, it is really starting to bother me.

true stories from s-mart

The first thing I do after I punch my time card for the soulless retailer that employs my sorry ass, is traverse the sales floor as I make my way back to the receiving dock which is where I actually begin each night of work. It's a treacherous journey considering that the store is often open a whole hour after I arrive, and it would be safe to say that avoiding customers on my way to the back is more than a hobby of mine.

I've actually done a really good job of not interacting with customers for a very long time. The last time I was stopped on the sales floor by someone with a question was before Christmas. It was a couple that was searching for something a family member had registered for--a set of Rubbermaid containers with your choice of blue or red lids.

At one point I actually had dreams of a Cal Ripken type streak of not helping customers. Unfortunately, I have to start all over. Tonight I was approached by a young couple as I was literally feet from once again crossing the floor being the absolute least help possible. They asked me where they might find some folding chairs and before I could take them there, the woman said this:

"I know you hate helping us."

I froze. Could they read my mind? How frightening. But this fear was quickly put to rest.

"I mean, I know how it is. I used to work at Shopko and my husband works and Costco. So we know what its like to have to help someone... what a drag it is."

Never mind the fact that I actually work graveyards so I can avoid contact with the masses of idiots that pour into my store on a daily basis. Ignore for a moment the pain I felt knowing my streak had been broken. Delete from your mind the fact that the item they were looking for was just a few feet away she made that comment...

I stopped to look these people in the eye as I said "As long as we're clear on that."

I took them the last few steps to the chairs before letting them know where I'd be incase they needed anymore help.

excuse me while I puke

CNN.Com reports that Bill Gates wishes he wasn't so rich.

"I wish I wasn't. There is nothing good that comes out of that," said Gates

That sounds real rough, buddy. Let me be the first to say : BOO FUCKING HOO!

say it isn't so

Variety shares some disturbing news:

After years of delays, Ayn Rand's most ambitious novel may finally be coming to the big screen reports Variety.

Lionsgate has picked up worldwide distribution rights to a film version of Rand's 1957 epic "Atlas Shrugged", considered in many polls to be the most influential book in history short of the Bible. The story revolves around the economic collapse of the U.S. sometime in the future and espouses her individualistic philosophy of objectivism.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are rumored to be circling the leading roles of Dagny Taggart and John Galt. The likes of Clint Eastwood, Robert Redford and Faye Dunaway have previously been attached to the flick. The budget is expected to cost a little above $30 million with actors expected to take paycuts.

Paycuts, wow. How selfless... Ayn would be so proud.

Are you kidding me?!

Keep them away from this movie! Both of them, but especially Angelina Jolie. And if you could make it so she stayed away from all movies forever, that would be good.

I guess I would be more worried about this if it weren't for good christians like Ayn Rand and myself sending all those prayers up. I'm pretty sure he must owe us one by now.

oh yeah, and I just saw Star Wars Episode III....

and George Lucas owes me five bucks.

update! - I can stop being mad at Uncle George since I just got this news of this from Arrow in the Head:

Tim Cox (the dude responsible for Sci-Fi Channel fare like LARVA and MAMMOTH), recently sat down with IFMagazine to discuss his new project: the 1984 cheese-fest C.H.U.D. Currently, Cox and Brook Durham are in the process of penning the treatment for the remake based on the film about mutant carivores living in the sewers. "...we can hopefully pull it off as well as recent revisions such as Dawn of the Dead and The Hills Have Eyes. Our version is much darker, grittier and down-right surrealistic compared to the original film, but we think fans will appreciate the fresh approach...it's classic, no holds barred horror."

In case you do not know me, I am actually right now quite literally laughing out loud, and will now retire to my bed so I can giggle myself to sleep. If you've never done that, I recommend it. Not only is it cheaper than Magic Fingers, its also technically excercise.

No I am not dead... and now the news

According to Assoiated Press (eat that CNN.com!) in Charlotte NC -

Utility workers trying to blast out a grease clog from a sewer line forced 3,000 gallons of raw sewage into a couple's home, forcing them to abandon their house while hoping that the city makes good on a promise to clean up and repair the damage.

Yeah, but did they get the clog?


Update - Today Google News finds more than 1500 stories containing the word feces. 6 of those stories also contain a reference to George W Bush.

bye bye

Reuters is reporting that the Sony Playstation proprietary format for watching movies may be going the way of the dodo.

This makes me so mad! I want to pay as much for a tiny little disc as I would a normal DVD--a tiny disc with absolutely no special features that plays on a screen so small it make those portable DVD players look like the lumbering sherman tanks that they are.

Is there a better way to spend my money?

best attraction in the west my ass

Talk about getting a little too full of yourself...

Hogle Zoo and This is the Place Monument will be joining forces to become one mega super attraction. Ellis Ivory, a spokesman for the project claims it could become "... one of the greatest attractions in the west."

That is a bold statement to say the least, considering that right now on the official List of Great Attractions in the West, they rank 457, and 458 (respectively) out of 500, right after the American Museum of Root Canals but before my cousin Franks hot tub... and that’s not saying much considering Franks hot tub has green water, and not from the chemicals he puts in it either.

As a life long resident (very nearly anyway) of this homey yet sometimes backward state, I have to admit that I have a very hard time imagining a joint venture between these parks at all, let alone the result being one of the greatest attractions in the west. To be sure, something HAS to be done for the animals at Hogle Zoo. The last time I visited, I was shocked at how underwhelming the habitats were and how listless many of the animals appeared.

On the other side of this bizarre little coin is the Mormon history site... I understand the church (in Utah that’s the LDS church) is downplaying the polygamy part of their history, which is too bad since the many wives of Brigham Young play quite heavily in the monuments history. Is adding a zoo and a miniature railroad really going to bring it to a level of the greatest attractions in the west? And by that I of course mean the happiest place on earth... Olympic Gardens (say hooray for boobies!)

I can see it now... an Ameican religious history tour with monkeys and penguins. You'll be able to get those little wax lions from a machine that sits next to the booth that sells a Brigham Young giant foam finger...

I feel like a line is being crossed here but I'm not sure where it is exactly, but do know that if they build a rollercoaster called "Brigham’s First Twenty Wives," well... a guy can dream can't he?

Then again, maybe I am overreacting here. Perhaps Mr. Ellis only meant that this would be one of the greatest attractions in the west[ern portion of Salt Lake City 's east side]. God knows I've misread the news before.

Best TV on... television

John Stewart and Stephen Colbert are simply the funniest people on television today. I've been a fan of the Daily Show for years and recently have felt that the "This Week in God" segment with Colbert (before he went on to do his own half hour of brilliant comedy) was one of the funniest bits on TV period, but I never imagined that Mr. Colbert could carry a show on his own.

I'm pleased to be wrong. I wish those shows were all that were on TV. With the miracle of TiVo, I can almost make that happen.

They are the funniest guys around… without a doubt. If you don't agree with me, just e-mail me your address and I'll come and punch you in the face.

Actually... I don't really like to leave the house so why don't you drop on by. You can find me at - 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC 20500.

Just tell my people at the front door that you're there to knock the man of the house in the teeth, they'll make sure you leave my humble abode more than satisfied.

Oh yeah, and if you’re ever in New York , my real name is Ed Koch. Look me up!

go away already

I would like to inform every major news source (and this includes whatever network is covering the NBA at the moment) that…

I GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are married. I don't care about either of them and I never will. I just don't give a shit.

If you happen to be flipping past a channel where the Spurs are playing, there is a 95 percent chance that you will hear someone mention how Tony Parker is married to Eva Longoria. YES I HEARD/READ ALREADY! And I didn’t even give a rat’s ass the first time. I couldn't give a shit about what they do in their personal lives.

Both of you please just go the fuck away.

Don't Go To Kanab

Kanab, Utah is in the news after passing a resolution upholding marriage between a man and a woman.

According to the mayor of Kanab, its the sort of thing that promotes children, and values, and young women who will grow up to be homemakers.

One way we know that Kanab is on the cutting edge here is that they are the only city on the planet to adopt this particular resolution that was drafted--oddly enough--by a conservative and homophobic think tank.

In reality, the reason this tiny little city is in the news is that Arthur Frommer--nationally syndicated columnists and travel guru--called for a boycott of the town, faulting the resolution as simple minded and bigoted.

Although I agree with Mr. Frommer's stance, I am concerned about one thing...

He said that "[Kanab] really ought to wake up and join the modern world." This makes me wonder if this guy has even visited Utah, let alone a tiny one horse town like Kanab. Joining the modern world is something that would be a challenge for any place in this state, let alone a speck like Kanab. When my brother calls me from France its not just an 8 hour time difference, it's as if he is calling from the future from some advanced and far off wonderful civilization. I mean, this is the only state in the Union where you can actually be ticketed for driving too many times down a certain street during certain hours of the day. Not to mention the fact that if you get pulled over and you don't have a Whitesnake disc in your CD player the fine is doubled...

Join the modern world? I'd be happy if this place could advance past 1985.

hard hitting journalism

These are the top stories ripped from the headlines of three local papers that hit the stands this morning. Two are Salt Lake papers and the other is from right here in Springville. Can you guess which one?

• Bill on Evolution Proves Unfit to Survive
• Hunstman tackles Immigration
• Printing digital photos as simple as logging onto Internet

a phrase I do not like

Any time I hear the phrase "religious violence" I wonder that maybe religion is not doing its job very well.

And yes, I will get off my high horse the moment I read on CNN.com that a bunch of crazed secular humanists do something horrible. And no, CNN is not paying me to mention them here. They only pay people who have blogs that are read by more than 2 people.

Oh yeah (true story--I swear)

You know you're in a classy place when you hear a woman shout with delight:

OOOOOH! OYSTER CRACKERS!

olympics

My best friend said he can't really get into the Olympics considering we are at war--which kind of goes against everything the Olympics are about. He makes a valid point.

Luckily, I was able to remind him that we are at war with terror, and terror does not have an Olympic team.

I hope that helps.

oh give me a break already!

I just saw the state farm auto insurance commercial where--based on a true story--a state farm agent rushes proof of insurance to a woman who has been pulled over by a policeman, but has no proof of insurance.

The agent says "I didn't want her to get arrested," is the reason he rushed to scene of the heinous crime.

HORSE SHIT!!!!!

You're not going to get arrested for no proof of insurance. That is a total load of crap. At worst you'll get a ticket and a fine but you won't do "the time" for that.

Stupid commercials...

Update! - I have since noticed they have changed this commercial to the agent saying "I didnt' want her to go to trial." Thats decent of you, but I know a whole lot of people that saw the commercial the other way. Maybe I should lay off the Southern Comfort for a while...

Jerks!

CNN.com are really pushing my buttons today.

Forget for a moment that they are a bunch of pansies that won't report any real news (but stop everything to report breaking news that turns out to be non-news). Forget for a moment that here is an entire network that could do something, ANYTHING by just asking a few hard hitting questions and exposing the posers on the hill. Forget for a moment that the best "investigative Journalism" you will find today is not at CNN but in the Weekly World News...

Forget all that.

These assholes are going after Han fucking Solo now? BASTARDS!

Okay... now that I've had some oxygen I can get to the point. On the CNN main page today under the "Entertainment" there are links to two Harrison Ford related articles. The first is one about how he used to be a carpenter and how his reputation as a hard working perfectionist craftsman has translated into the work he does as an actor. Then it goes on to describe and praise all the work and care he put into his latest film Firewall, and how concerned he is about making a good "product."

The other link is to a review of his latest film Firewall, which pretty much tears the movie to shreds calling it a steaming pile of crap--just not in those words.

Thats fine, they are welcome to love or hate his movies as they see fit... God knows Mr. Ford has been in some pretty awful movies lately. But with the tone of the first article, the review seems to only exist to make him look like a fool.

SHAME ON YOU CNN! Haha, you guys are so clever. Lets write a story about how much time Harrison Ford spent making this a movie he could be proud of and then we'll tell everyone the film sucks! Won't he look like such an ass?!

News Flash for CNN:

If I want to see Harrison Ford looking stupid I'll rent Six Days Seven Nights.

or Sabrina

or Random Hearts

or Hollywood Homicide

or I'll just have some tequila and giggle at his accent in K-19... okay I don't need any booze to laugh at his accent in that movie...

But how dare you CNN. You... Bastards!

apology and blog entry

I have gotten several messages concerning my last entry which was deleted only minutes after being posted. Anyone on the mailing list received a notice of a new entry but by the time many actually looked at my page, the entry had already been removed.

My friend Yates asked me what was up. My brother wanted me to "fess up" and admit what I had done. Yale President Richard Levin wanted to know when I was going to go ahead and delete the rest of my blog... for the good of humanity.

All I can say is that I changed my mind. If you don't like it, contact me so I can tell you to go fuck yourself. Or, simply assume that's what I will tell you and don't bother contacting me.

It's gone. It will never be back. If you didn't see it, you didn't miss anything good. I haven't done much blogging over the past few months simply because I haven't felt like it. I do jump the gun sometimes (especially under the pressure of feeling I have to update) and start something that I later decide sucks. So thats it. It's bad enough you are reading this shit.

But in other news, I was talking to Yates about movies tonight and I was trying to explain why I hated Paul WS Anderson so much (not PTA like I was thinking for some reason). I hate him because he is looking to mess with one of the great cult hits of all time. He is developing a re-imagining" of Deathrace 2000. Please don't fuck with a classic. Get your own ideas and make those into movies. If they are shitty movies I won't say a fucking word since I know you would at least be trying.

Here's what I said about this last year when it was announced:

"The original was so much about decimating pedestrians that the actual race was almost irrelevant, and I want to restore that. Set in 2020, ours is an ultraviolent, no-holds-barred race with heavily armed Escalades, Ferraris and Aston Martins" said Anderson.

Restore what to what?! Are you kidding me?! This quote is proof that Paul Anderson is a simple-minded fool who has apparently missed the point of such a sophistcated film as the original (and yes, that was the sound of your sarcasmatron overloading). If you want to remake a movie by changing what is essentially the SOUL of a film, then DON'T CALL IT A REMAKE! It's like remaking The Godfather without all that arcane mobster crap. I mean, who gets that shit anyway? Or maybe make Platoon 2005 and leave out all that depressing "war is hell" stuff. It's such a downer.

All this guy wants to do is make a movie in the vein of The Road Warrior but not get sued by the people who hold the rights to that series and those people simply have enough sense to not let him near their product.

So lets get rid of Paul WS Anderson. Oh yeah, and while we're at it, can you tell Bret Rattner to not make anymore movies. ESPECIALLY Jackie Chan movies. Rush Hour had its moments, but he chopped up all the fight scenes Chan was in. One of the cool things about Jacki Chan movies is his ability to choreograph (along with his stunt team) these amazing fight sequences. If you've seen any of his Hong Kong movies, you know exactly what I'm talking about. In a scene like that, you don't need any fancy camera work, or rapid fire editing. You turn on the camera, point it in Jackie's direction, and then you let him do the rest.

And please don't tell me that X3 is going to compare with the first two X-men movies. Bryan Singer is a genius. No way Mr. Rattner can follow that up.

What? He followed Ridley Scott once and did okay? First of all, Ridely has his moments, but he's not a genious. Maybe he was once or twice, but most of the time he's just really, really, really good.

something to look forward to

One of my favorite movies from the 80's has got to be The Untouchables, which chronicles the war Elliot Ness waged upon Al Capone and organized crime in Chicago during the prohibition era. A lot of people know about that part of his life which may very well be that there is a large fascination with all things mob related in this country. The cynical voice inside my head also wonders if the main reason people know this story is that it was made into a film with Robert Deniro.

Fewer people seem to know that Elliot Ness later moved to Cleveland where he locked horns with a brutal serial killer who managed to leave a blemish on the career of Mr. Ness and was largely responsible for his failed bid to become Cleveland's mayor, not to mention killing a bunch of people and chopping off their limbs and heads.

He was called the Mad Butcher of Kingsbury Run. I don't know about you, but I think thats a way better name than Hannibal Lecter. And while we're on the subject, how come we don't have any cool names for criminals these days? What I wouldn't give to hear a news story of some unknown pedestrian that had been crossing the street wherever he felt like with no regard for his own safety. He could be called the Phantom Jaywalker...

But I digress.

It seems David Fincher will be making a movie about this very story in the near future, a film that will be based o the graphic novel Torso. If there is anyone who could make a great moody period piece it would be David Fincher (Fight Club, The Game, Alien 3, Panic Room), who although seems to be flooded with brilliance, occasionally misses the mark. But he's the kind of director who is certainly worth the gamble. This guy is so good at creepy. I wait with as much patience as I can manage.

But if he doesn't make this movie, I will.

important news update

way back in June I mentioned that I was never given a magnetic name tag at work. It had been ordered years ago and had yet to "arrive."

Three years after ordering my tag, it finally showed up. It finally fuckin showed up, I don't even care if it has too many f's on it. Its great. To whoever finally ordered it I say thanks. Now if that was the only thing at work that was putting holes in my shirts I'd be set.

Since this was such a slow day/month/last few months, I thought I would look through my archives to find something interesting in my unpublished entries.

I learned something today - there's a very good reason those entries were never published.