the friggin irony

CNN.com reports that a laboratory at the University of California successfully created nuclear fusion using an electric field generated by a small crystal.

Although the amount of energy was too little to harness what the article calls “cheap fusion power,” it goes onto report that a U of C physicist indicated that this new way of making nuclear fusion could potentially be used in the “oil drilling industry and homeland security.”

I don't know about you, but after reading this news I am overwhelmed with hope for the future. We finally have a breakthrough in clean energy and the best application we can speculate for it is to assist in...

OIL DRILLING!

Argh…

original comments

Liz Baldwin - Not too surprising, though, considering that Bush is also excited about getting the hydrogen for fuel cells from -- you guessed it -- fossil fuels.

Guile - aargh, indeed..

rainbrot - You post a lot of rants about current events. It reminds me why I don't pay attention to that stuff. I think news is designed to occupy your mind so you won't do anything too significant... so instead of paying attention to news, I spend time formulating and reading conspiracy theories.

Mr. Blunderson - rainbrot, I am so touched that there is finally someone who cares about something really matters is reading my blog...

You don't happen to have a link to David Icke's official site, do you?

the noodles blunderson drinking game

I am currently formulating a drinking game based on my blog.

This is what I have so far:

• Anytime I use the word "particular" take a shot.
• Every I use an ellipsis take a shot and visualize Larry King naked.
• Anytime I mention Yale President Richard Levine or Michael Bay take two shots.

I was going to have one rule be to take a shot anytime I ripped on myself, but I want this game to last more than five minutes.

original comments
yo bro - Not sure why anyone would want to drink you. I'll stick to the Beer Drinking Game, if you don't mind.

brings back memories - the cool test

CNN.com reported today that a fired Santana dide blames guru's 'Test'. In the interest of this particular news, I went above and beyond what I usually do (reading only the headlines) and read the first paragraph of this story.

Here's the guy who cites so-called tests that his employer used to guage his ability to become enlightened. I can totally understand this one. It brought back some forgotten memories...

The first job I ever had was working at Media Play as a seasonal employee in the book department. One of my bosses was a woman slightly younger than me (I was 21 at the time) and was quite friendly on a personal level.

Quite Friendly.

It got to the point that I was either going to have to ask her out or file a sexual harassment suit. She couldn't keep her hands off me. She kept telling me how "huggable" I was.

As much as this sucks to admit, this was the first woman in my life to fawn over me in such ways.

Being inexperienced in the ways of the fairer sex I devised a plan to determine whether or not she was really going to be someone who could appreciate my company. Thus, the "cool test" was born.

She was always asking to borrow my pen. So one night when I was at a local exhibit featuring treasures from the Imperial tombs of China, I made a purchase at the gift shop - an eighty-eight cent ballpoint pen. I had it gift wrapped in extravagant fashion, golden ribbon and bow included.

The "cool test" boiled down to this woman's reaction when I gave her the pen. If she thought it was funny, she was golden. Any other reaction was bad.

When I gave it to her she made a big deal about how great it was... not getting the joke that she was always losing her pen, that it was a cheap pen, and that I had spent infinitely more on the wrapping than the actual gift.

Oh well.

I gave up on her and the job, but I have always regretted the cool test. It wasn't too much later that I realized that the only thing that really mattered was that she liked me and I liked her... and I was the one who should have been tested as I missed all the obvious signs of this woman’s interest in me...

But life goes on.

Long story short, I wish I could tell the wife of Carlos Santana that the results of such tests are meaningless. If you feel the need to test the people around you, then there is something wrong with you, not them.

get to know me

Most of the people who read my blog know me personally. I worry that the few people who know me only from my blog may have a skewed sense of who I really am.

Based solely on the information contained in my blog, this is what you may (or may not) know about me:

• I really, really hate Michael Bay.
• I also dislike Paul Anderson, but don’t hate him like I do the uber hack.
• I refuse to take the time to use an umlaut when I type the word “uber.”
• Sylvester Stallone owes me twenty dollars
• I can’t spell.
• Even though I can’t spell, when I type “meellions” I do it on purpose.
• I make fun of other blogs.
• I never order rice in restaurants.
• I have a fan club. Eyejae is the president. She’s done time.
• I have a long standing feud with Yale President Richard Levine… but he started it.
• Small Claims Attorney Flash Van Shatner will no longer be representing me or any of my close friends in any legal capacity… he is still writing my biography which will be published next fall.
• I’m in a techno band with my computer.
• I work for a soulless retailer.
• My blog contains a plethora of ellipsis…

Is this really me?

Yes, but I want to tell stories anyway. Therefore, I offer revealing insights into me. The following stories are true, taking place while I worked the dream job of Convenience Store Clerk long before anyone knew me as Noodles Blunderson.

Every summer, as most sports organizations do, the Brigham Young University football team prints out meellions of business card sized schedules and places them at various locations throughout the valley.

This particular season BYU featured a number of their star players on one side. As goofy as it sounds, for days we had been fielding questions like “do you have the schedules with so and so on the front?” and so these schedules were a point of contention with all the store clerks.

That year I was at the register when the team member dropped off the cards. I looked at them and vehemently expressed my dismay that the batch we had been given featured “nobody's favorite,” the place kicker.

“Who in the hell is going to want the place kicker?” said I.

Silence was my answer as the lanky kid on the other side of the counter blushed and looked at the floor. He finally started to say something like “I don’t know… someone might want that one…” and I realized I was talking to the guy who was featured on the very card I had just dissed.

Oops.

The good news is that Owen Pochman went on to have a great career at BYU and to this day holds the school record for most career points with 333.

But in the end I was right - nobody wanted a BYU Football schedule with a picture featuring the place kicker. We ended up throwing most of them away.

The other incident occurred not long after a Utah Law was passed requiring stickers be placed on each and every fuel pump that showed how much money went to state and federal taxes out of each gallon purchased.

Nobody who understood what they meant said a word about the stickers. The stupid people on the other hand…

Simply put, they confused the hell out of the stupid people. They were convinced that those “taxes” were going to be added at the register above and beyond the buck twenty-nine they were spending per gallon at the time. As a clerk, I was verbally assaulted several times every day regarding this issue.

I am not going to say people were dumb because they didn’t realize there were state and federal gas taxes included in the price of gas… I can let that one go. These particular assholes actually believed I personally had something to do with all the extra money their gas would be costing them… just because you see me outside changing the sign with gas prices from time to time doesn’t mean I lead the secret cabal that dictates how much Joe Schmoe is going to have to pay at the pump.

As you might imagine, the evening when one well dressed customer asked me and my co-worker what we thought of those stickers we just let loose. We complained about the rage it through into people who didn’t quite get the concept. We bitched about how “glad we were” law makers had nothing better to do with their time and our money. We mentioned that we fantasized punching the people responsible, and that those stickers were nothing but a pain in the ass.

It was then I noticed the check this particular customer had handed me read “Campaign for State Senator…”

Oh shit.

That was when the customer mentioned he was the one who wrote that particular law.

I can't tell you how good this felt. My co-worker and I relished this one for a long time.

As for our Customer, he turned on his heel and started out the door. This was when I played my trump card, and it worked better than I could have dreamed cause it really pissed this guy off...

“Sir, I’m going to need to see some ID with this check.”

original comments
eyejay - Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?

can you hear me screaming?

Anyone who reads my blog knows how much Hollywood remakes bug the living shit out of me. This morning, I am LIVID as all get out. WHY? Because the uberhack is going to destroy a truly great film.

I'm talking about The Birds, the classic by Alfred Hitchcock. This is a film so chilling and so well executed that people who haven't even seen the movie get creeped out in the proximity of birds... because they know of this movie about birds attacking people...

The Hollywood Reporter confirms that Mr. Bay's production company is negotiating to produce a remake or "new version"... If the people at Universal (who own the rights to the movie and the short story on which it was based) have any decency at all they will tell Michael Bay to go back to the hell whence he came right before they drive a wooden stake through his cold black heart.

The sad truth is that I can bitch about how blasphemous these remakes are, and what horrible films they are, and call Michael Bay the "uberhack" until yaks learn to spell, but it won't change the fact that these films are making money. Lots and lots of money.

This only strengthens my theory that people in the USA are getting stupider every day. If I wasn't so cynical, I'd say it was something in the water, but that sort of problem would have an obvious solution.

People like the uberhack simply exploit this stupidity and make millions of dollars off the dummies. Yea Capitalism! Its the American Way--the ONLY way, if you will.

A brief note - I do not mean to imply that everyone should be smart like me... I'm not that smart. I do advocate not being dumber than me. People who are dumber than me are scary and they should scare you too. There seem to be more and more of them everyday. One dies and three take its place. This is an issue that has to be dealt with. Although not on par with say literacy, health care or gay rights, I think eliminating the dumbness will put us in a better position to deal with the real problems in our country and ultimately our world.

original comments
yo bro - The sad thing is that one from the growing group of people dumber than you is actually RUNNING THIS COUNTRY! And believe me...I *am* scared!!

Tragicgrrl - They're going to re-make the birds? UGH! They cannot give the creepiness justice! Any movie can't! I have read it a zillion times, it creeps me out horrendously! Once, about my 5th re-read, (1st as an adult)I was JUST at the point where the damn birds try to divebomb him as he's trying to get back to the house & a HUGE seagull bombed & screamed past the window that was RIGHT by my elbow! I dropped my coffee cup, dropped the book & jumped about 5' back from the window, I had to call my best friend to calm down,..I get waaay too into my books! The films make me giggle.

best work thing ever

This was part of an actual conversation I had with my boss last night

boss: At least I sort of listen to you

me: Uh... Thanks

the price for watching/reading the "news"

Yesterday I saw “news” reporting Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are no longer talking. This was really exciting until I discovered that they are only not talking to each other.

CNN.Com is reporting that scientists have finally solved the mystery of unpopped popcorn… I didn’t think I’d see it in my lifetime! Oh the marvels of science, will they never cease?

The bad news is they only have discovered why certain kernels don’t pop. They have yet to develop a way to eliminate the “old maids” all together… Perhaps my children will live to see that wonder…

google is cool

Earleir today I was alerted to the fun that could be had with Google Language Tools. I've been translating stuff ever since. So far my favorite is the opening line from a Dickens classic that anyone who has read this blog knows makes me cringe.

Here it is, my favorite line in all of literature - "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." It was translated into chinese, then back to english, then into german, french, and finally back into english to get this gem - "This one is best time, is to him the bad weather."

I can't wait to read the rest of the book!

sinking feeling

I was starting to feel like there would never be a day whe I could turn on the TV to find non-Pope news. I can least be thankful that the Conclave only lasted a few days, otherwise I might have gone nuts.

The good news about that is that when I do go nuts no one will notice a change whatsoever.

original comments
Maiken Huntsman - I keep thinking about that part at the end of 'Angels and Demons' (yes, Dan Brown wrote other books besides 'The Da Vinci Code'). The pope's right-hand (was he a cardinal?) goes crazy and falls off a roof. Actually, I don't remember the exact details. I just remember he was crazy and he was going to be the next pope. Hmm, reminds me of that whole Florida voting crap. Damn those bushes! I mean Bush not bush...if you know what I mean. (I crack myself up.)

Yale President Richard Levin - Miss Huntsman, I read your comment about Popes & Presidents.

Are you on drugs?

i got your legacy right here!

How fitting is this?

ITHACA, New York (AP) -- Not just anybody can say he has a slime-mold beetle named in his honor. But George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald H. Rumsfeld can.

Entomologists Quentin Wheeler and Kelly B. Miller, who recently had the task of naming 65 newly discovered species of slime-mold beetles, named three species after the president, vice president and defense secretary.

The monikers: Agathidium bushi Miller and Wheeler, Agathidium cheneyi Miller and Wheeler, and Agathidium rumsfeldi Miller and Wheeler.

blog confessions

It will be more than obvious to anyone who reads my site that spelling and grammar are pretty low on the totem poll as I prepare and post my blog.

Why is this? I just don't care.

I've been thinking about it over the past day or so and apathy really is the bottom line. Where does it come from? Why is it so pervasive in my blog? After some deep reflection I have come to realize a few things.

Firstly, English is a stupid, stupid language. Polish is way better. Fewer vowels, more diacritical marks, simplified spelling. No silent E’s. How is that possible? In layman’s (also known as “Noodle’s”) terms, each letter (or combination of letters) has one sound and that’s it. It makes spelling a snap.

Secondly, there are people in my family who would find my disregard for the sanctity of grammar and spelling an unanswerable atrocity… There are more English Majors in my extended family than Pennsylvania Dutch in Pennsylvania. If any of them ever get a hold of the URL for my blog, it could possibly put several good folk in the hospital… not really true but it would bug the living hell out of certain people and since I have a wicked mean streak, I can’t deny that I derive a certain amount of pleasure knowing that it would drive them absolutely batters.

Thirdly, I’m really lazy.

But most of all, I just don’t care. I know that I should feel some shame considering my pedigree. I should probably feel guilty about squandering a private education (did I mention that, besides being a crappy speller, I work in retail?). But I don’t.

Right now I have too many important things to worry about. I’m worried that the Cubs will have a crappy season. I worry that Jessica Simpson may have some other sibling that will soon have a reality show. I’m worried that the little paper cut between my finger and fingernail will never heal. I worry that after I throw out all the socks with holes in them I will discover that I really need them.

As you can see I have a plethora of stuff in the queue that’s important and real. So if I misspell a few words or use too many damn commas and… and… and… other shit give me a break… and find me some Neosporin. My finger is killing me! It doesn’t help that my paper cut is on one of my two typing fingers.

In the mean time, I pledge to do a little better…

From time to time.

But only a little.

original comments

Tragigirl - You're beautiful just as you are,.. :) Some of us adore your typing (or anti-type as it were) Just don't stop!

Maiken - Ah, but at least you will admit the truth. The most disappointing thing about us (to the Right Wing Grammarians) is that we were not only raised with good grammar...we are smart and just do not care. What a horrid combination!!

I assume your apathy extends to family parties or hanging out with your cousin and not just her brother-in-law. ;( Now I will have to find a new favorite cousin...any suggestions?

i'm moving to mars

If I lived on Mars there is a good chance I would never ever hear the words "breaking News" followed by "Brittney Spears..."

i'm so confused

I was watching a documentary on the making of The Amityville Horror remake, where everyone involved--actors, writers, director, grips, Kraft Services personel--were touting that this was the scariest movie ever.

And every one of these quotes, coming at two minute intervals through the entire half-hour, included the words "its so scary cause its ALL true!"

I also loved this one - "frame by frame, everything you see really happened."

Or, "it's scary cause every single thing you see is REAL! It really happened!"

For those of you who don't know, this is a remake of a classic 70's horror flick of the same name. The plot breakdown of this new version (not the original, mind you) is this: a haunted house with a chilling past drives a father to insanity. Horror ensues as he tries to off his family.

At the end of the documentary, the director was saying that there were really only two things that they knew for sure. There was a murder in the house before the Lutz family moved in, and 28 days after moving in the Lutz family left the house and vowed never to return.

What?! What happened to frame by frame?! You guys said frame by frame! What about where you said everything in the movie actually happened?

How can everything else be true if those are the only "facts" you have to go from? My head is going to explode.

Please... the only thing frightening about this film is that it was produced by uberhack Michael Bay. I know for a fact that there is a special place in hell for this guy... somewhere between Kurt Bestor and the New Kids on the Block, and not far from John Hughes. Contrary to popular belief, they do not seat alphabetically in hell.

Also scary is that people will buy into the "true story" and pay cash money to see it.

Screw you guys! This is the same production house that said their remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was based on a true story... (me screaming into pillow)

There was a time when the words "based on a true story" meant something!

This "true" story was shown years ago to be one hundred percent crap. Bottom line, if you suddenly find yourself under the crushing weight of a mortgage you can't afford, start telling people your house is haunted. Once the well oiled PR machine is in motion, just sit back and watch the dollars start rolling in.

If you want to put your money toward a good horror movie about a haunted place with a chilling past that drives a father to insanity, where horror ensues as he tries to off his family, go rent the The Shining. It's based on a true story.

Well... not really.

original comments
Yo Bro - Yeah, kinda like how 'The Passion of the Christ' is, frame by frame, faithful (pun most definitely intended) to the Bible...let alone history. (snort!)

You forgot to mention that Mel Gibson, much to his own surprise, will find himself down there in Heaven's boiler room with Bay and friends.

nature isn't a mother

I have grown tired of references to "Mother Nature."

If nature really was a mother she would be better at guilting and shaming us into taking care of her.

Original comments
Maiken - She does! She just patienly waits and gives you that look as she says, "You were too lazy to recycle? Oh, don't worry; it's okay." You know that look and those words that let you know she is disappointed. That gets me more than anger.

Mr Blunderson - Sorry Maiken, but you couldn't be more wrong. That "see I told you so" approach is more of a guy thing.

things that make me say "argh!"

Ever seen a Behind the Music or pretty much any celebrity biography on E! that didn't use the phrase "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times." It sickens me.

I am also bothered to the point of argh-ness by people who regurgitate that line any time the name Charles Dickens is mentioned. If I ever get to the point where I need that in my life I'll get myself a parrot. NEWSFLASH! - It doesn't impress anyone except for the crowd that ooh and aah when you say "to be or not to be" when the subject of Shakespeare comes up.

Don't get me wrong, I like A Tale of Two Cities and Hamlet plenty. It does seem that those two phrases, much like corporate buzzwords, have become the battle cry for people who want to sound smart but really aren't... at least for the few that aren't already blogging like me.

* * *

I am also bothered by people who require you to say "eye" as opposed to "optical" because its a big word they don't understand.

* * *

What is it with two-foot tall kids calling me short?

* * *

Can we stop using the word random? It's overused and I'm done with it.

true story

As soon as I opened the door I knew who they were. It doesn't take a PHD to know when you have Jehovahs Witnesses standing on your porch. Two women and a young girl had come to share with me a message from the bible. I thanked them but told them no.

They asked me if the reason I was not interested was because I was not religous. I told them I was plenty religious and pointed out the little church where I attend Unitarian Universalist services every other week.

"Unitarian?" asked the first woman, "what is that?"

Before I could say anything, the second woman, threw her hands in the air, turned around, and started down my walk. "Oh Forget it!" she called. "Lets go."

thoughts before I call it a night

Nearly every media outlet (including my own blog now) is reporting the story of the MIB at the whitehouse. The Man in Black with his two suitcases... (that was the first of at least 8 obligatory ellipsis)

The man was standing on the west side of the capitol building, dressed in black, asking to see the president. He was tackled and dragged away after which his bags were investigated for three hours. They were finally blasted with a water cannon to reveal... (drumroll) nothing threatening.

I'm reminded of a scene from the movie SLC PUNK, where Stevo is talking about getting arrested after leaving the liquor store for "looking suspicious." If you are unfamiliar with the material, this is a lfilm that follows the exploits of 2 punks in Salt Lake City in the 80's. This particular scene depicts Stevo and his friend Heroin Bob (who is ironically deathly afraid of needles) confronted by Salt Lake police in an incident that quickly turns violent.

That film was released six years ago.

Back to the incident at the capitol--and I offer no insight to the right or wrong of either side in this incident--where it is clear that the appearance of being suspicious is more than enough to be taken down by a swat team and have your suitcases destroyed.

Better safe than sorry? I don't know anymore. I can't attack or defend either side at this point. And yes, I recognize the abyss that exsists between these two scenarios.

I only know that sometimes this world we live in sucks from every angle, and that there are a lot of ruins in mesopatamia.

And another thing - If it takes three hours to get to the point where a threatening bag is detonated only to discover at that point that the most dangerous item contained therein was a CD player and some CD's then I really am concerned for the security of our great nation.

There has got to be a better way.

* * *

And NO! I do not seriously consider my blog as an actual "media outlet" If it is for anyone then they are going to find themselves sadly misinformed.

* * *

I watched SNL the other day. One sketch depicted Prince Charles with new bride Camilla Parker Bowles played by Seth Myers and Fred Armisen respectivley... The sketch didn't really work for me. I get the whole thing about Mr. Armisen playing up the fact that the the blushing bride is a bit--well--mannish, but Fred in drag is simply way too hot for the joke to really work for me... Now if they put Joe Piscapo in that wig I'd be splitting my sides... I know he's got free time.

* * *

I was involved in a discussion the other day where I suggested that violence might actually be the answer... at least in politics. Oh yeah, instead of all the bullshit posturing and vomit-inducing pandering everything should come down to who can beat the living crap out of the opposition. As much I dislike politicians these days, I would finally have a reason to watch C-SPAN religously if I knew things would really come to blows.

Hell, I'd even get involved in Politics if it meant that I could potentially take a swing at... well, you get the idea.

* * *

I would like to send my love out to two really excellent people who bring a whole lot of good to this place called earth, who both happen to be recovering from very different surgeries. You know who you are. Get well soon.

are you kidding me?

Numerous media outlets are reporting the play list on W's iPod.

Can I be the first to say, "I DON'T CARE! Anyone who does in an idiot. Not only is this not a human interest story (barely a human involved and all) but its not even real news!

THIS IS NOT NEWS!

One presidential aide suggests, "no one should psychoanalyze the song selection. It's music to get over the next hill." He went on to the request that no one psychoanalyze anything the president does ever as it it might cause you yo physically crap your pants.

A few days ago, everyone reported that the gent who had his bags blown up at the capitol was carrying (among other things) a number of CDs. Perhaps this guy was only trying to give the president a play list upgrade... just a thought.





If you can't find me for the next few days, I am busy screaming into a pillow over this iPod crap. Please let me be... I know what I'm doing.

i'm pissed

I'm still trying to find my place in the world. I'm trying to take some steps toward doing what I want to do, and to provide a little more security for my family and be able to buy more Star Wars DVDs.

But none of that matters since CNN.com is reporting that a recent study reveals that pretty people make more money than their "plain jane" counterparts. The study goes on to say that butt ugly people like myself are pretty much fucked.

this nations most important duck

Cnn.com reports that a duck has built a nest in a mulch pile near the entrance of the Treasury Department. As Tourists are beginning to take interest the Secret Service has taken this duck under their wing... er, so to speak... lending a protective hand to a duck protecting its eggs.

If you think I am going on a tirade here about how government resources are being allocated in such a ridiculous endeavor... WRONG! I am actually quite glad that the good old Secret Service has something worth protecting for a change.

On the other hand, the people in the Treasury Department who have suggested names for the mamma mallard such as "Quacks Reform," "T-bill," and "Duck Cheney," should all be shot.

i don't get it

I've noticed more and more online news services providing a "Relationship" category along with the usual entertainment, sports and weather.

For some reason I always think that the articles in the relationship news will read:

Frank and Stella call it quits. "Its not you, its me," says Stella.

I can dream, can't I?

this is funny if you are mean like me

CNN.COM reports that people have started lining up outside of historic Grauman's Chinese Theater for Star Wars Episode III. The release is seven weeks away and as of today they've been there for 5 days. Brilliant! First in line, Baby!

Only problem is that this film will not be showing at this particular theater on opening day. It will be appearing at another venue about a mile away.

With this information you might think they up and moved their line... seven weeks out they still have time get a good spot in the real line.

they are not, however, moving... Let me type that again. THEY ARE NOT MOVING!!! To be fair, there are only 11 people who are not moving, but still... they already got their wookielightsaber, makeshift awning, and their pride... misguided as it may be.

My only hope is they will see a movie no matter what on May 19th. Although I would feel silly sitting through masks, xXx - State of the Union dressed as a Storm Trooper, if you happen to be one of those individuals who can... more power to ya.

i am out of control

You know things are bad when the first thing that comes rolling through your mind when you see or hear anything is - I gots to put that in my blog! In case you couldn't tell, this is one of those moments.

Last night I couldn't sleep I was checking out some latenight TV and I see that VH1 is playing 8 Mile. The only thing this does for me is make me want to go out and buy or rent the actual DVD, since the VH1 edit is practically incoherent. They have to bleep out so much dialogue that it could drive you to the point of madness. And forget about it when they start the battle, unless you have seen them enough to pull a naratim verbatim, you will find yourself quite lost.

If the point of putting 8 Mile on VH1 was to sell a few mor copies then MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. I can tell you that they will more than likely get my 12 bucks.

I also hate to see Comedy Central versions of Kevin Smith films. Just plain silly is what that is. I can at least appreciate that they do the "Secret Stash" where they show the films unedited... I suppose they sort of get it.

As a society, we have to come to realize that some films were not made for TV audiences. That is not a bad thing, but it is just the way it is. If a movie is going to revel in violence, sex, or vile language... putting it on the tube will destroy any soul or vision that particular film has.

* * *

A note about work - I went in for my yearly review at work the other day. It's my third such review. I wasn't too worried going in until the first thing they told me was "yeah, we heard about your website."

Oops!

"alternative" news

Just got this bulletin from the Faith Network:

You need a lot of faith in physics to be an atheist.

Here is a newsflash from the Noodles Blunderson blog:

This just in! Physics doesn't require faith to work. It also doesn't need your money to save you.

soaring through the blogoshpere

Why is actual news so hard to come by in the so-called information age? I am barely recovering from the all out suffocation of the Terri Schiavo coverage and now all I get is Pope, Pope, and more Pope.

I have nothing against the Pope, I think as far as religious leaders go he was A-okay. My concern is that I might miss out on other current events and news that happens might be important… who knows what sinister plots are unraveling as our attention is drawn—by the media—to the passing of a more than loveable guy who wore a funny hat.

Its times like these I turn to the only place left to get real, pertinent, unfiltered news…

The Blogosphere…

Here is what I learned today in the news…

Oli is a polish blogger who lives in Switzerland. He is currently instructing readers on how to say “Kocham Cię” or “I love you” in multiple languages. The only real news on this page is that the author, known to us a “Cool Oli” is (in his words) “COOL and INTELIGENT!!” He demonstrates this by listing his favorite artists as Brittney Spears and Celine Dion. I was going to comment that I was surprised that Oli didn’t mention the passing of the Pope (he is Polish, as every Pole I have ever met has informed me) but this sly dog updated while I was busy making fun of his blog...

My next stop was at a blog containing reviews of Australian brothels, escort agencies, independent prostitutes, sex forums, pornography, etc… The news here is that there is a blog about Australian brothels, escort agencies, independent prostitutes, sex forums, pornography, etc… and I only found it TODAY???? (in the words of Comic Book Guy – “Oh, I’ve wasted my life.”) This sight also contains sensitive ways on how one might suggest to the woman they love she needs a labiaplasty and laser vaginal rejuvenation… and who says the internet isn’t good for anything?

Elsewhere I learned that a person named Namaste just started a blog. In their (his/her) first and only entry, which briefly chronicles the trials of applying for colleges, they happened to mention that MIT was their fifth choice. Yeah. Their 5^th CHOICE! How cool is that?

I then found a blog by some jerk with the audacity to make fun of other people’s websites and blogs, suggesting a mean-spirited blog rating system and if I ever meet this guy I’m going to punch him in the face. For gods sake the guy uses enough ellipsis to make Larry King blush… oh wait…

Well, that is all the time I have for the news today. I hope you enjoyed your time here. If you have a blog and want me to make fun of it, you can contact me through this site or my e-mail address listed on my profile page. If you have a blog and don’t want me to make fun of it, please don’t read tomorrows update. If you think I suck and want me to die then you need to get in line behind Yale President Richard Levin and quite possibly Cool Oli.

As always, if you didn’t like what you read then go blog yourself.

the nerve

A new reader to my blog wants to know where I get the nerve to be so mean to people on the Internet.

Fact is... I do it because I'm bulletproof. Who can touch me? Nobody has anything on me!

I have yet to meet anyone who has the ammo to take on a thirty-something college washout who works three nights a week at S-mart and also happens to be short and chubby.

Hell, if you got the guns, its not like I'm hard to find.