Bring on the Soylent Green

I will never be a slim guy as long as 7-11 sells their Taquitos. Nothing can stop me from eating them, they are too damn delicious. So much so, that if a bleeding and dying Chuck Heston stumbled into my house right now screaming "7-11 Taquitos are PEOPLE!" with his last breath I would walk right over and buy three more... at a discount price (they are people after all).

Why would I even bother?

You can click here if you think I am making this up.

The Utah County Republicans closed their convention debating Satan's influence on illegal immigrants. Don Larsen, chairman of legislative District 65 for the Utah County Republican Party and a guy who will clearly get my vote for "World's Biggest Douchebag," submitted a resolution warning that Satan's minions want to eliminate national borders and do away with sovereignty.

In a speech at the convention, Larsen told those gathered that illegal immigrants "hate American people" and "are determined to destroy this country, and there is nothing they won't do."

Illegal aliens are in control of the media, and working in tandem with Democrats, are trying to "destroy Christian America" and replace it with "a godless new world order -- and that is not extremism, that is fact," Larsen said.

At the end of his speech, Larsen began to cry, saying illegal immigrants were trying to bring about the destruction of the U.S. "by self invasion."

The hero (a term I use drenched in sarcasm) of the moment has to be Senator Howard Stephenson (R-Draper) who opposes the resolution and who communicated that Larsen was embarrassing the Republican Party

"I agree with 95 percent of this resolution but it has some language that is divisive and not inspiring other people to its vision," he said. "This only gives fodder to the liberal media to give negative attention to the Republican Party."

Ya think?!

All quotes come from the Daily Herald (harktheherald.com)

like I said...

When I picked up my most recent check at S-Mart the place was in ruins. That guy Ash in Housewares had blasted everything to hell protecting the store's only living hottie from what he referred to as a "deadite." I don't care if he is a badass with his chainsaw/hand and superlative one-liners, I think if they are going to promote the guy, they should do it on the basis of character and customer service skills (where he is woefully underwhelming).

But I digress...

I pick up my paycheck and attached was a card for my five year anniversary at S-mart signed by my superiors. Included was a little certificate that allows me to select from four gifts online. If you have been following my blog over the years, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

All I ever wanted was a thanks, and that's it. I appreciate the gesture but the last thing I need is a mass produced corporate card signed by people who don't know me paper clipped to my paycheck. When I say S-Mart is a soulless retailer it's supposed to be tongue in cheek.

It's just like them to wreck the joke by actually making it true.

even more fist names

If you read the comments on my blog, you might be aware that my bro was looking for a help with a fist name, and it had to be something that went with "Rosy" which is what he named his lefty. Although I can't for the life of me think of what he should name his righty (but I suspect that naming your fists is a bit like shooting your own dog) , I was initially a little disappointed that he had settled on Rosy. I thought my own brother could do better than that.

But then it occurred to me that with Rosy, he could always tell people that his left fist is "a lover and not a fighter" and now I think it might be the best fist name ever.

Good on ya, bro. I'm ever so proud!

5 Years

I passed my 5 year anniversary at S-Mart without so much as a damn word. I don't need a medal or anything like that but a "thanks" would go a hell of a long way.


I'm starting to feel invisible there.

whens gonna be my time?

We have a bird problem at S-Mart and the solution involves a dude with a glorified version of a pellet gun stalking around our stockroom waiting for a chance to put the sad little buggers out of their misery. The first night he only got one, so I suggested that he build a blind on the "the steel" (giant shelves made to hold entire pallets of stuff) and cover himself in bird pee. I don't think the advice went over well since the next night he came back with a buddy instead. Two is better than one, right?

If there is a silver lining here, it is that S-Mart has finally gotten around to putting suffering creatures down. I figure its only a matter of time now before bb gun guy comes for me.

Kurt is in heaven now

Rest in peace Mr. Vonnegut and thanks for everything You will be missed.

bunch of pussies

I'm not calling any names or anything, I just like saying those three words.

In the movie Donnie Darko it is discussed how a famous linguist decided of all the combinations of words and sounds in the English language that "cellar door" was the most pleasant.

According to Wikipedia that wasn't so much a linguist as it was JRR Tolkien. Keep in mind that he said it with a British accent, something that is not addressed in the movie. When spoken with such an accent, it does indeed sound rather pleasant. When Americans say it, it just sounds like words.

Since I am an American, I like to think of things that sound pleasing sans the fruity accent. It is my contention that "bunch of pussies" comes close to being the American equivalent of "cellar door."

I think the word "panties" is certainly also a contender.

edit - I've thought about it some more and I can't help but suspect "Vanilla Milkshake" is up there too.

uh... what?!

Should I be frightened that Saturday night I watched the original Planet of the Apes on the History Channel?