did the circus ever not suck?

Maybe I haven’t given the circus enough of a chance, perhaps I am too dense to grasp the finer nuances but in my limited experience I can tell you I truly believe the circus sucks massive ass.

And by circus I mean all circuses.

My first experience with anything circus related was the movie Dumbo. What I learned from Dumbo is that most circus animals are dicks. I may have been a little sensitive to the treatment the little elephant got in the early portion of that film since I grew up short, or perhaps I’m projecting all over the place... All of that aside, I can't with a clear conscience support animals that are dicks.

Also as a wee lad I recall watching Circus of the Stars with my family on that one special Sunday every year. Even though I was young I was well aware that it was a total crap fest. The obvious appeal of the show was the possibility of disaster. I was always hoping someone got mauled, but a fall from a tight rope or similar circus apparatus would have been equally satisfying. Although it may have been sad to lose one of our precious celebrities, it's not like they are hard to find. I can't think of a single person I would have felt too bad for if they had messed up even a little… except for Eric Estrada. He was fucking okay in my book.

My first time going to an actual live circus was while I was in grade school. Barnum & Bailey made a stop at what was then the Salt Palace, that lovely hat-box of a building that no longer graces the Salt Lake City skyline. It was pretty amazing, but a 3 ring circus of that magnitude can only exacerbate ADD. It certainly did mine and I don't even have ADD. The biggest problem with the show was spectacle or not, the damn thing went on and on and on for so long that the “ooh and ah” factor gave way to the “can we go the hell home?” mindset well before it should have. I was a kid under the age of ten at the time and kids never want to leave anything, except maybe vaccinations.

Twice in my high school years I stopped and ate at the Circus Circus buffet. I really wish I could tell you that one of those occasions was not a marching band trip, I really do. And I know this isn’t a real circus or remotely related to an actual circus, but I would like to put in my seven cents regarding buffets anywhere. What is the big deal? What is so great about food that’s been picked over by everyone in the line in front of me. What is so appetizing about looking at steaming trays of so-called food through the windows still clouded by the breath of the people that were standing there just moments before. And do you really expect me to believe that I’m getting some crazy good deal on the food when technically I’m doing most of the work?

But I digress.

A summer or two ago a Circus who’s name I can not remember came sweeping through town. They had a big tent, they had ponies and tigers, and the kids got in free. The adult prices were enough to send us into the poorer house but they didn’t post that information until we were so close to the show that our children were frothing at the mouth for camel and tight rope related entertainment. In other words, we were pretty much fucked.

We forked over the cash and found some seats in the tent… which was only about 8 Beellion degrees inside. I may have lost 10 pounds just sitting through that show—which was perhaps the most lame form of entertainment that I had paid to witness since I shelled out six bucks to “feel the earth shake” on fisherman’s wharf back in 1989 (that will teach me to sit on some strangers lap).

Like the Barnum & Baily Circus, this show was way too long and this time it had the added bonus of being exponentially less spectacular than the B & B show I had seen in my youth. There was a magic act that disturbed the children (involving a burned corpse gag), there was the highly touted white bengal tiger (the poster for the show said “tigers” but it is the circus and humbug should be expected) that was in the arena for 57 seconds and did nothing but sit on a stool and wave its paw before being ushered back to it's holding area. “Wild animal spectacular” my ass.

Don’t even get me started on the clowns. The clowns seemed to be putting in a less than half-hearted effort, resulting in not being funny or entertaining at all… but that may have been because I was suffering from heat stroke at the time. I do remember every few minutes a clown was trying to sell me something. That is what annoyed me the most. It was like being put on the top of the “please call me” list for telemarketers.

All in all there were a few impressive moments, but not enough to overcome the heat and how long and how lame the damn show was.

I should at least give the circus… people… props as I realize they scrape out their living by putting their lives on the line for cash and admiration. I have no idea what kind of bank they pull in but I can make a few guesses since I never once saw the inside of a circus performers house on “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.” Come to think of it, I don’t think I even saw the outside of a circus performers house on that show.

Oh who am I kidding? I never watched that show. In those days I was too busy trying to get a peek at the Solid Gold dancers, and I couldn’t even watch them at my house if my mom happened to be home.

What is my point? The point is that I am bitter because even though I am a lowly peon for a soulless retailer there isn’t a day that I work where I don’t put my life on the line for the cash and admiration… (except for the cash—its not the worlds best paying job—and since I work graveyards while the store is closed there isn’t really anyone who can admire what I do) but still, you don’t see anyone giving me a big parade when I roll into to town.

Shit, I’d settle for a thank you note.

Update - I forgot to mention that a Google search of George Bush and Circus gave me more than 3 Meellion results. George Bush and fucking clown only came up with 6. Who would have thought?