I bring this on myself

For some reason, every time I need a grocery store on Sunday, my brain blocks out the fact that there is one just a few blocks up the road. There must be a black spot in my mind when it comes to Sunday shopping since I never even consider that it is there and I end up driving a block or two more to a store that keeps pissing me off. After what happened today I'd like to think that this was the last straw, but I know next time I need relish and buns or something to knock down a kids fever or whatever might be the next best thing to the beer I can't buy on Sunday I will find myself in this same boat...

Sunday in September means I've got a few Optimators chilling in the fridge and my sweet wife will at some point start cooking the brats. That's right, it's game day and I always watch da Bears (or listen as the case often is) with a light beer buzz (not from light beer though, I don't drink that shit) and a belly full of some sort of sausage type product. Preferably Polish, but I don't mind mixing it up.

This time I found myself without a few necessities for my meal at the last minute so I hopped in the car and drove to Albertsons. That was my first mistake. I quickly rounded up what I needed and got in the line to pay and get the hell out.

To set the stage, I got in the one line where the one person who was checking was working. I skipped the self checkout line even though I could have walked right up to any one of several stations. In case you know nothing about me, I detest the self checkout craze that is the new thing in grocery stores. I don't care to take a shit on the grave of a folk hero no matter how mythical he may be, plus there are some philosophical issues that I could discuss but might derail this story so I won't at this time.

I'm the third person in line, and it's going to be a while. Not because the two people ahead of me have a lot of stuff, but the cashier happens to be one of those people that seems to be surprised and or impressed by every item he or she rings up. Annoying yes, but I'd rather be helped by a batshit human being with a pulse than a cold unfeeling, uncaring machine any day.

After 5 minutes or so, an employee taps me on the shoulder and asks if she can help me at the self checkout. I decline but she insists it will be so much faster. I'd rather not sacrifice a piece of my humanity even if it means a few more seconds or even several minutes. But she insists again and since I didn't have my pepper spray or tazer with me I gave in. This was my second mistake.

As she presses the touch screen and invites me to enter my phone number (you know, cause I don't carry around that stupid key chain with my discount club information) I feel like I have to do something to make up for this inexcusable moral comprise I've made. And before I think about whether its a good idea or not my mouth is moving and the words are coming out. This was my third, final and damning mistake.

"I hate self checkout," I say under my breath.

"Uh... what?" she says.

"I hate self checkout," louder this time.

"But you're not checking yourself out, I'm doing it."

And then it got ugly. Arms flailing, I probably spit on somebody at some point, but something snapped and I couldn't be stopped. "No, you're not helping me, you're (and here I do the air quotes) 'teaching me' so next time I'll feel comfortable doing this. I don't avoid self check out because I don't know how to do it, it's because I hate it and I think it's stupid."

After that it was a matter of me getting the hell out of there, cause I was that crazy guy in the grocery store. I immediately felt bad because I could have stood my ground and stayed in the first line but I didn't because I'm a pussy and someone was just trying to be nice. And to be honest, I wish I could have been a little more articulate. Oooh if only I could have had that last sentence I shouted back.

Conflicted now as I was leaving the store, when I saw that a cart attendant had jammed the carts he was bringing back into the store in the doors so badly that they were not only stuck but there were several people standing behind him waiting to enter the store (why they didn't just walk in the out door I don't know), I didn't hesitate to act. I grabbed the problem cart and yanked it free and helped the kid right the ship (if a ship is 6 or 7 shopping carts) and the day was saved.

By me.

Too bad I couldn't salvage my dignity, but I figure I was at least starting to make up for being a massive tool.

Then again, that jackass cart boy didn't say thanks...