what's that like?

When people find out that I work graveyards, one of the first questions they ask is "graveyards? What’s that like?" Sadly, I have no snappy sarcastic one-liner answer other than "it's Dyn-O-mite!"

I have found that explaining working nights is kind of like explaining what went wrong in The Matrix trilogy. You kind of have to see it with your own eyes to understand what’s going down...

Lets see... you know that feeling you get at the end of your work day? You're just so relieved that work is over and you want to make the most of that burst of post work energy by getting out and doing something fun with your friends? Well we get that too, only when we get off work the only places that are open are Denny's and Wal-Mart.

Similar is that feeling at the end of the work week where you want enjoy a cold one and thank bob its Friday... Try explaining to your wife (or your AA group) that even though you are cracking open a beer at 5:30 in the AM you do not have a drinking problem.

I know that people who work graveyards tend to have more physical and emotional and relationship problems in general. I read that on CNN.com a couple of years ago so it must be true. I remember telling my colleagues about the facts and figures. There were some that actually laughed at me and my crazy statistics. Several months later I had a heart attack at work. Who's laughing now?

Every work environment is going to be unique, and mine is no different. Working at a soulless retailer we "overnighters" find an intense amount of friction between ourselves and the group of people who work during days. They work with the customers; we do all the filthy, sweaty, manual labor. Everyone who works days thinks the night people are a bunch of uneducated, lazy thugs who hang out at the store all night doing nothing, and will steal things out of your locker. Everyone who works nights thinks the day people are pretentiously pretty, annoying, idiots who never do their jobs and don't have anything decent to steal in a locker anyway.

When our paths cross, the tension is palpable. We're always on the verge of breaking out into a scene from Westside Story, with the finger snapping, and rolled up sleeves, and the Leonard Bernstein music... "when you're a Jet you're a Jet to the end..."

On a tangent - I once saw a comedian who talked about his friends learning to fight by watching Bruce Lee movies, lamenting the fact that he always got his ass kicked because he learned to fight by watching Westside Story.

Back on track - Since I can't really tell you what its like to work graveyards (you have to do it to know it) I will at least provide you with a few of the differences between the day and the night crews at my own place of employment.

· Someone who works nights is 8 times as likely to have killed a guy with their bare hands, while someone who works days is 867% more likely to own seasons 1 & 2 of The OC on DVD.

· Someone who works nights is 3 times as likely to be in the process of recording their own hip hop (or techno) CD, while someone on the day team is 87% more likely to utter the phrase "I can't think of it getting any better than when Michael Bolton sings When a man Loves a Woman."

· A person who work nights is 8,000 times more likely to be referred to as Sir or Ma'am by our boss, while someone on the day crew will try to tell you that the plural of Stylus is Status.

Does that paint a clear enough picture? On the whole, most of us on the graveyards are pretty average, normal people. A lot of us are in situations that necessitate an overnight schedule... and there are probably more women then men. For whatever reason, people assume that we're all a bunch of tough guys with prison tattoos and tattered levis waiting to hear from our probation officer about that better job opportunity while we pass the time putting out our cigarettes on kittens.... But that is just one guy, and he doesn't really work there anymore. Management is just too nervous to tell him he's fired so he keeps coming in.