thanks for not shoving it up my ass first

Yesterday I got a certificate for a gift commemorating my three year anniversary for the soulless retailer that employs my sorry ass (also known as S-Mart). I get to go online and make a choice between four wonderful "gifts." All I have to do is enter my code and wait three to six weeks... well, probably not quite that long.

Not that my expectations are really that high, but I didn't think I'd have these four choices. The first one is a pen. Wow. Next is a writing set. That's in case I wasn't impressed with just a pen. Or there is a key chain. That's right, you read that correctly. If it had a laser this might tempt me. Not a laser pointer, a LASER. You know, something I can use to melt the eyeballs of my nemeses. Last but not lease, a messenger bag.

I get that this is my employer offering me a small token of appreciation for not personally contributing to the more than 100% turnover rate, but this stuff doesn't sit right with me. What do I do with a pen or pen set? Use it to fill out my resignation? Use it to fill out job applications for future employers? What exactly?

The messenger bag does have multiple uses, including being a carryall for the hundreds of copies of my resume I'll be distributing in the near future. It could also be used to carry soon to be flaming bags of poop. Or I could be practical and get a job as a messenger. Not a bike messenger since I don't have a bike... I wonder what anniversary they give out bikes as a gift... I'm thinking five hundred and fifty-six.

As for the key chain... at least its not a fruit cake. Not like they'd give me anything that could be thrown through a window.

When I was employee of the month, I had many more choices, perhaps 15 or 20 in all. I went for the gold there. I got a hat and two yo-yos, all the S-Mart logo prominently displayed. I got the hat because it was the least cool thing I saw, plus when I showed it to my best friend he said "I'd never wear it."

In the interest of being a good sport, I will accept my messenger bag and never speak ill of it. I will however offer up these suggestions as possible gifts for future three year anniversary victims.

A CD of your choice. Not just any CD, one of those relaxation CD's we sell on the end cap in office and stationary. Employees could listen to it as they travel to and from work. It would be a massive help.

A DVD of your choice. Not a new release but one of those bargain DVD's. Well... not even the bargain DVD's, but the Bargain BARGAIN DVD's. The ones that are priced at $5.99 yet somehow still collect dust on our shelves. There may be a naysayer or two that will suggest we couldn't give copies of Crossroads (starring Brittany Spears) away but we certainly won't know until we've at least tried.

Key chain with actual Laser. (See above)

Option to punch employee of you choice in the face or stomach. I'm not talking about assaulting a boss or anything. I'm talking about an equal, someone on your level that really pisses you off. Maybe they are annoying, or stupid, or a kiss ass, or have bilked workers comp, or maybe they simply make you look bad and they've got it coming. Subsequently, I think if you stick around for a fourth year you should be able to kick or punch that same person in the nuts. Five years you can use brass knuckles. This is retail after all.

But those are only suggestions...