things that scare me

In my time working at S-Mart, the soulless retailer that employs my sorry ass, I've discovered some information that causes me to be very frightened. Here are the few I can mention without losing my job.

I work with people who don't know the difference between college ruled and wide ruled paper and notebooks. If only the difference was made clear on the PACKAGE OR SOMETHING!

My store sells enough Swiss Army Pocket Knives to have armed the entire population of this gun-loving conservative county with tiny stabbing implements more than a dozen times over. I'm not talking about Utra-Rambo survival knives that so many of my neighbors picked up at their local Wal-Mart... I'm talking about the small efficiant killing machines that will go virtually undetected until you are being stabbed in the ribs by your crazed violent assailent.

On the positive side, while you are dining at any of our fine family resteraunts you'll never bee too far away from someone who has one of those really sturdy Swiss Army Knife toothpicks. If you don't know what I mean, you haven't eaten at Ruby River lately... or Sizzler ever.

I have a pretty good idea of just how many copies of Ever After are floating around the valley... this actually scares the crap out of me. I have been told that it is a real "up with woman" movie. That's an accurate assessment as long as you are insane. A little secret folks: Ever After is to girl power what Eminem is to PFLAG.

At S-Mart (and probably everywhere else for that matter) we sell country singer George Strait's "50 #1 Country Hits" CD. That totally boggles my mind. 50! FIFTY... no friggin way The Beatles had that many number ones. This kind of had me shook up until it occurred to me that Mr. Strait is a COUNTRY SINGER and so it doesn't bother me anymore. Those are number one hits for people who think raccoon caps are cool. I could have had 50 number one hits on the country charts but my mom taught me to flush after using the toilet.


notes
it has been ten days since I ordered my messenger bag as my gift from work. As Michael Palin once said, "STILL no sign of land."

I do not Yahoo. Please stop asking.

Dave Chappelle + Wayne Brady = best. sketch. ever.